A Red-Letter Day
Funny, Medical Office, USA, Wordplay | Healthy | June 10, 2021
I work in medical reception. Recently, we had to reschedule some patients from one doctor, and we had a nurse practitioner available that day to take the patients that the doctor couldn’t. I was on the phone with a patient, who was very (understandably) upset because there were no other medical doctors with immediate openings to see them.

Patient: *Frustrated* “I don’t care if it’s an MD or a PhD; I just need to see a doctor!”

While this situation in itself was far from funny, I had a hard time keeping myself from laughter. A couple of days before, my English teacher had gone on quite a tangent about how he doesn’t like being called “Doctor,” because, obviously, having a PhD in English, he is not medically qualified.

Teacher: “If you’re sick, I’m probably going to just let you die.”

Personally, no matter how bad my medical condition was, I’d take that NP over that PhD any day.

This Clerk Will Have You Feeling Blue
Employees, Germany, Liars/Scammers, Money, Pharmacy | Healthy | June 7, 2021
I hurt my knee really badly when I am about fourteen, and I have to get a bandage to wear during the day so as to not put too much strain on it. I get a prescription and am told it will be free.

I go to the pharmacy with my father and go ahead so he can park the car. I show my prescription.

Clerk: “Yes, let me get you fitted, and then you’ll pay sixteen euro for your bandage.”

Me: *Surprised* “But I was told it would be free.”

Clerk: “No, this is sixteen euro, sorry.”

My father comes in and I tell him what the clerk said. The clerk speaks up again.

Clerk: “We also have one that is free, but it would be a bit different.”

I ended up getting the one for free, and you know what the difference was? It was grey instead of blue. I was supposed to pay sixteen euro to have a bandage of a different color. I only realised much later that the clerk was trying to take advantage of my inexperience as a fourteen-year-old and only caved when my father came. I am still shocked at the audacity, years later.

He Officially Wins At Excuses
Chicago, Funny, Health & Body, Illinois, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | June 4, 2021
I graduated massage school in 1986 and promptly started working at a place in a very well-to-do town. We had acupuncture, chiropractic, and other modalities, as well as massage therapy.

I quickly developed a roster of regulars with standing weekly appointments. One particular fellow was my standing Tuesday 6:00 pm for years. He was always right on time, impeccably dressed, the model of a perfect executive. (Nice guy, too.)

But one Tuesday, [Regular] didn’t come in and didn’t call. With most people, I would have assumed they’d just flaked, but [Regular] had never flaked on anything in his life. I was concerned.

It turned out that [Regular] had gone in to have a lipoma removed — I knew he had it, of course — and during what should have been very minor surgery, his heart stopped. They had to resuscitate him.

He called the next day.

Regular: “Sorry I missed my appointment yesterday. I was dead.”

Best excuse EVER.

¡Que Embarazada!, Part 2
Colorado, Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | June 1, 2021
My friend has recently given birth to her daughter and is at the doctor’s office for the baby’s one-week checkup. She obviously hasn’t had her stomach “bounce” back yet. The nurse comes in and takes one look at her belly.

Nurse: “How are you already pregnant again! Didn’t you just give birth?!”

Related:

¡Que Embarazada!
California, Friends, Home, Phone, USA, Wordplay | Friendly | February 17, 2020
(My dad has worked with a man from El Salvador for many years, and they have become close friends. When this friend first moved to the US, he took classes to improve his English skills, but in the meantime, the language barrier led to a lot of funny misunderstandings between him and my dad. They got used to laughing together about all the little ways both English and Spanish can be confusing. My dad learned a bit of Spanish from his friend but never enough to really understand a whole conversation. One Father’s Day, my dad thinks it would be nice to call his friend and wish him a happy holiday, and he thinks it would be extra nice to say it in Spanish.)

Dad: “Hey, I just wanted to wish you a happy Father’s Day! Feliz papa Dios!”

Friend: *laughing uncontrollably*

Dad: “What? Didn’t I say it right?”

Friend: “You meant, ‘Feliz Día del Padre.’ What you actually said was–” *pauses to laugh* “–’Happy potato God!’”

Dad: *laughing, too* “Well, I was pretty close!”

Friend: “‘Papá’ with the accent on the end means ‘dad,’ but the way you said it with the accent at the beginning, it means ‘potato.’ And ‘día’ means ‘day,’ but ‘Dios’ means ‘God’!”

Dad: *smiling, shrugs* “Well, at least you knew what I meant!”

Friend: “Somehow I always do!”

(Now it has become a tradition that my dad has to call his friend every year on Father’s Day and wish him “Happy Potato God!” When my sister and I call our dad on Father’s Day, we tell him the same.)

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Since When Are Nurses Supposed To Care About Your Health?
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, The Netherlands | Healthy | May 29, 2021
I’m with my baby at the emergency room.

Nurse: “Would you like anything to drink?”

Me: “Yes, please. I would like a hot chocolate.”

A bit later, the nurse returns with a large cup and hands it to me.

Nurse: “Here! I brought you a fresh strawberry mango smoothie. Much better than that sewer drink.”

Me: “Oh, uh, thank you, but no, thank you. I—”

Nurse: “Nonsense! This is good for you with lots of vitamins. The doctor will be here soon. Tataaa!”

And she left the room. I’m allergic to fruit.

Clearly, Babies Fix Everything!
Bad Behavior, Bigotry, France, Therapist | Healthy | May 26, 2021
My husband decides to see a therapist to talk mostly about work burnout and how to deal with it. After their first meeting, he comes home looking extremely upset.

Me: “Are you okay?”

Husband: “I am never seeing that whack job again!”

Me: “Yikes! That bad? What happened?”

Husband: “We were going over what my home life is like and I told him you’ve been dealing with depression for almost your whole life… and he told me to get you pregnant so that you would be too busy to worry about yourself!”

Quacktose Intolerant
Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Liars/Scammers, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | May 24, 2021
When I am a teenager, I have pain in my abdomen. After six months of running around different departments, it is established that I could be lactose intolerant.

Doctor: “I suggest you visit a dietitian to make sure everything goes okay as you cut milk out of your diet. Try [Dietitian] right here in the hospital.”

My mother and I agree. Red flags should have been apparent from the beginning.

We call to make the appointment.

Dietitian: “Do you want to be seen at the hospital or at my house? There are more options if I see you in my home.”

After verifying with our health insurance that they will accept this appointment and pay, my mother agrees to the appointment for me.

Dietitian: “Please bring along the pain meds that you have been taking and the soy milk you have replaced the regular milk with.”

On the day of the appointment, we sit down in what appears to be the dietitian’s living room. The dietitian gestures to something on the table.

Dietitian: “This is the Asyra machine which will measure your bioenergy field to establish what you can and can’t tolerate in your diet.”

I am doing my A-levels at this point with the hope of going to study veterinary medicine, and this sounds like nonsense to me, but being British and too polite to stop her, I allow her to carry on. She gets me to hold these electrodes which, apparently, is all I need to do.

My mother helpfully intervenes.

Mother: “But they are not plugged in.”

Confidence going down by the second, I do as asked and the machine starts to generate a wiggly line. As we go on, the dietitian starts going on about how, “The machine thinks this,” or, “The machine knows that,” making it seem that this machine is alive. Eyebrows continue to rise.

Her analysis says that I should be fine with milk but I should really avoid eggs and onions, which I know is complete rubbish as I have been on an exclusion diet for a couple of months and recently reintroduced eggs and onions into my diet with no issues at all.

Dietitian: “Can I test the milk and pills you brought along so I can see if they’re good for you?”

She first decides to test the soy milk, which is in a carton containing plastic which, as many primary school pupils will tell you, does not conduct electricity. She places the carton on top of a metal plate and runs the machine. She is horrified by the result.

Dietitian: “You should stop drinking this immediately; it is terrible for your system!”

Me: *Politely* “I’ve been drinking this milk for about three months and I have been feeling much better since then.”

She frowns for a second, trying to reconcile this.

Dietitian: “Well, the machine is calibrated to American soy milk, so maybe you can drink British soy milk without issues. Try to avoid it if you are in the States.”

“WTF?!” does not cover our thoughts at this point.

She moves onto my pain meds. I have two I am using and I have them in the same box for convenience. Again, the woman takes the box and plonks it on the plate.

Mother: “There are two in the box.”

She regrets saying this immediately. The dietitian sorts between the two and repeats the process. According to the machine, one is good and one won’t work for me. I do seem to be becoming slightly immune to one, so this seems correct, but she got them the wrong way around.

Now comes the sales pitch: apparently, the machine is telling her that my gut pH is too low and this needs to be rectified with probiotics. Normally, the bottle for a month would cost £200, but she is willing to give me a sample bottle for free. We accept without arguing, for simplicity.

Dietitian: “Do you have any questions?”

Me: “I’m really missing chocolate. When can I add that back into my diet?”

Dietitian: “You will have no issues with chocolate and can start eating it immediately.”

This is completely at odds with my exclusion diet. Basically, if I add more than one thing a week, I have to wait two weeks for any symptoms to clear before starting to add things again, possibly from scratch. Not going to happen.

We leave and I think there are two seconds of silence in the car before my mum and I burst out laughing.

Sometime later, we receive the report. Nowhere does it mention milk. In the meantime, I have taken a lactose tolerant test and it turns out I am about as intolerant as it is possible to be. Another highlight of the report is that radon gas — that radioactive gas that causes neighborhood evacuations when leaks are detected — is better for me than… carrots.

We turn to the hospital and complain about this woman and her quackery. However, they won’t do anything as the appointment occurred outside the hospital and they are not responsible, even though their doctor recommended her and she is an employee of the hospital. We also have a two-month battle with the insurance for them to pay her, even though they said they would before we went.

As a final note, we looked up this Asyra machine online. It turns out that in the US (and the UK), it is only licensed to measure skin resistance, and if it is used to measure anything else in the US, you can sue the doctor.

It was all a complete and utter waste of time, but it gave me a good story.

I Am Also Allergic To Inept Nurses
Arizona, Bad Behavior, Criminal & Illegal, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | May 22, 2021
I have an allergy to the preservative in most vaccines and have a heart condition that makes the use of an epi-pen unsafe without direct medical observation afterward. Therefore, I’m unable to be vaccinated without being hospitalized to monitor my heart for up to a week after. Because of this, I do not get the flu vaccine ever.

I’m at the six-week follow-up after giving birth.

Nurse: “Will we be getting the flu shot today, as well?”

Me: “No, I don’t get vaccinations for medical reasons.”

Nurse: “But don’t you want to protect your baby? You know if you don’t get it he’ll have to get one.”

Me: “No. As I already said, I am not interested in the flu shot for medical reasons, and his pediatrician is fine with him not getting it, either, since everyone else he will be exposed to, other than me, will have their flu shot.”

Nurse: “Just because you’re afraid of needles, it doesn’t mean you can’t get it. They have a nose spray now, you know.”

The nurse continues to try to convince me to get the shot for another ten minutes by guilt-tripping me about endangering my baby and being a bad person for not getting it for “frivolous” reasons. Then, my OB comes in and shoos her away. After speaking with her, she sends the nurse back in to give me a birth control shot and a shot of an antihistamine just in case I have an allergic reaction to the preservative in the birth control. I turn around and pull my pants down for the shot and feel two sticks, only to hear:

Nurse: “See? That wasn’t so bad! You got your birth control and the flu shot in one go!”

Me: “DID YOU EVEN READ MY CHART?! I’M ALLERGIC TO THE PRESERVATIVE IN THE FLU SHOT! IT COULD KILL ME!”

The nurse didn’t even look like she cared. She just walked out, leaving me sobbing and trying to stay calm so I could get an epi shot before I stopped being able to breathe.

Thankfully, my OB was able to give me an epi shot within a few minutes of the flu shot, but I still spent a week in the hospital afterward. The good news is that the nurse lost her licenses and faced criminal charges.

Ain’t That A Karmic Kick In The Head
Bosses & Owners, Current Events, Health & Body, Instant Karma, Retail, Seattle, USA, Washington | Healthy | May 21, 2021
I get migraines an average of two weeks a month. My manager has never experienced a migraine and thinks of them as simple headaches; she frequently talks down to me as though they are nothing. Our store has glaring white light that is arguably brighter than the outside sun, which does not help at all.

My manager recently came down with a certain contagious illness and became very sick; she was gone for about two months. Upon her return, she was now getting chronic migraines much like mine.

Before long, my manager posted a public apology on social media and sent me a personal one for talking like migraines are nothing. I’m sorry she is getting them now as they are torture, but I’m glad she now understands and won’t make the “it’s nothing” argument again to anyone out there who gets them.

What The Oak Leaf Wants, The Oak Leaf Gets
Hospital, Impossible Demands, Military, Reddit | Healthy | CREDIT: thearticulategrunt | May 19, 2021
I am a Captain and have been assigned as chief of security for an Army hospital. I am in my office when a Lieutenant Colonel comes in.

Lieutenant Colonel: “Hey there, Captain. I need you to take care of an issue for me.”

Me: “Of course, sir. If it is within my area and power, I’ll see what I can do.”

Lieutenant Colonel: “Well, the general’s driver’s wife is in the maternity ward having just had her baby and she has a problematic roommate — always closing the curtain and blocking her line of sight to the window and messing with the tv. I need this woman moved to another room.”

Me: “Umm, that’s definitely outside my area of control, sir. I don’t oversee or control anything with patients unless it is an issue of security, safety or—”

Lieutenant Colonel: “Yes, yes, I know, but you know everyone, and the doctors and nurses will listen to you more than me. You are one of them now and they rely on you.”

Me: “Sir, really—”

Lieutenant Colonel: “I know, I know, no promises. This would really make the general happy, though. His driver is like a second son to him, so I would really owe you. It’s room number [number]. Just give it your best for a fellow infantryman, okay?”

I breathe deep and pause for a moment.

Me: “What room number again, sir?”

Lieutenant Colonel: *Smiling* “[Number].”

Me: “Roger, sir. I’ll look into it and do my best. I’ve got a couple of favors I might be able to use.”

Lieutenant Colonel: “Outstanding! Thanks.”

And he leaves. So, up I go to maternity to find the head nurse. She is not pleased as, apparently, the Lieutenant Colonel had been here earlier trying to sling his weight around and came to find me when it had no effect. I point out the room, though, and she smiles. We both chuckle a little bit.

Me: “So, can you help me out with making this all be good? Please.”

The head nurse gives me a big friendly smile.

Head Nurse: “Well, the corner room is open. We could move the bothersome lady in there, though she will likely have a new roommate later today. Then again, once the bed is clean and reset, we will likely be putting another lady in with the driver’s wife, too. Matter of fact…”

She pauses, looking over files.

Head Nurse: “It will probably be [Patient] having her fourth kid. She was likely to be going in the corner room, but with the move, she would have to go in with the driver’s wife.”

Me: “Well, if that’s how it has to be. As long as we can accommodate the Lieutenant Colonel’s request.”

Head Nurse: “Okay, but you are helping move the lady out of the room.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, of course.”

The lady who had been causing SUCH disturbances for the driver’s wife was quite calm and gave no issues with the move nor even asked any questions. I called the Lieutenant Colonel once it was done and made sure to tell him I had no concrete knowledge if or when a new roommate might be moved into the room but that the staff was really not happy with the move and extra work. He thanked me and I never heard anything of it again.

The entertaining part of the whole thing? The bothersome lady who got the room with the better view — the woman who kept closing the curtain for some privacy and turning down the loud crap the driver’s wife kept putting on the TV — was my wife, who had just had our first kid.

Make It Up To Her Or Face Her Withering Stare
Golden Years, Grandparents, Nurses, Nursing Home, Patients, The Netherlands | Healthy | May 17, 2021
My grandmother always liked to look nice; she liked to regularly get her hair and nails done and preferred to spend a little extra on stylish clothes. She also almost always wore makeup — just a little colour to liven up her face a bit. She still did this when she was past ninety and had to move to a nursing home.

The move was not caused by diminishing mental faculties — she remained sharp as a tack until the day she died — but she had become wheelchair-bound after a nasty fall and her physical health had already been deteriorating. The home she moved into was very nice, but apparently, some of the staff were not used to elderly ladies paying as much attention to their looks as my grandmother did.

I was visiting Grandma when a young nurse came in to help her with her eyedrops. Her face took on a look of pure astonishment.

Nurse: “Why, Mrs. [Grandma], are you really wearing lipstick?”

Grandma must have been rather irritated at the tone and the apparent implication that elderly women wearing lipstick is something to marvel at, because her reply was rather indignant.

Grandma: “Yes, I am. I might be old, but I’m not withered!”

After the flustered nurse left, I nearly rolled off the couch with laughter. “I might be old, but I’m not withered” has since become a family favourite; whenever an older relative gets a comment along the lines of “Looking good for your age,” they fire off Grandma’s response. Everyone in the know then immediately bursts into laughter and starts reminiscing about dear Grandma.

CAT Scans In The Twilight Zone
Bizarre, Boulder, Colorado, Employees, Ignoring & Inattentive, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | May 15, 2021
I arrive early for my CAT scan and sit in the waiting room. [Tech #1 ] comes out of the back.

Tech #1 : “Is [Man] here? [Man]? [Man]?”

Receptionist: “Who’s [Man]?”

Tech #1 : “His wife is back there and too dizzy to walk. I’m looking for her husband.” *Louder* “[MAN]! [MAN]?!”

[Tech #1 ] disappears for a few minutes and then he’s back.

Tech #1 : “[Man]? [MAN]?! [Receptionist], would you page him?”

Receptionist: “What’s his last name?”

Tech #1 : “Just page [Man].”

Receptionist: “I can’t do that! There are lots of [Man]s!”

Tech #1 : “I don’t know his last name. Just page him!”

[Tech #1 ] disappears again. [Tech #2 ] comes out of the back pushing a woman in a wheelchair.

Tech #2 : “Someone’s supposed to transport this woman to the lobby.”

Receptionist: “Park her over there until they come.”

[Tech #2 ] parks the woman and goes into the back.

Tech #1 : “[Man]? [Man]?”

Transport Nurse: “Where’s the woman in the wheelchair?”

Receptionist: *Waving vaguely* “Over there.”

Transport Nurse: “I see the wheelchair, but it’s empty.”

Receptionist: “That’s odd.”

The transport nurse leaves.

Receptionist: “[My Name], we’ll get to you in just a few more minutes.”

Me: “That’s just fine. You’ve lost two people in the ten minutes I’ve been here, so I’m really overwhelmed with confidence at the moment.”

Someone else behind the reception desk calls out:

Employee: “Don’t ask me! I’m on lunch!”

Tech #1 : “[Man]?”

They did eventually find [Man]. They never found the missing lady. And my CAT scan went on without further incident — whew!

Testing Positive For Not Listening
Current Events, Health & Body, Impossible Demands, Laboratory, USA | Healthy | May 12, 2021
I work in customer service for a testing lab, mostly testing people who need a negative test for international travel. While we’re able to answer 99% of customers’ questions, we legally can’t give medical advice since we’re not medical professionals.

Customer: “I’m supposed to travel next week, but I also just got an email that I can get my vaccine this weekend. Will the vaccine affect my results? Should I get the vaccine or not?”

Me: “While we haven’t had any issues with the vaccines affecting our tests, it would be best to ask your doctor about whether you should get the vaccine before traveling. I’m not allowed to give medical advice to customers.”

Customer: *Now yelling* “I’M NOT ASKING FOR MEDICAL ADVICE! I’M ASKING IF I SHOULD GET THE VACCINE OR NOT!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 5
Jerk, Ohio, Optometrist/Optician, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | May 10, 2021
I’m a technician at a local eye clinic. I call back a new patient. I get his history and find out he’s diabetic and uses scleral lenses — the kind that covers the entire eye. Diabetes can wreak havoc on the eyes if not controlled.

Me: “What brings you here?”

Patient: “I’ve had pain in both my eyes the past two weeks.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I see you wear sclerals. How long have you been using them?”

Patient: “Oh, these are about ten years old. They’re in great shape!”

Me: “Oooookay? How long per day do you wear them?”

Patient: “Oh, I don’t take ‘em out! They’re so comfortable and I forget they’re there!”

My eyes instantly start to hurt for him, but I continue.

Me: “So… how long have these been in your eye?”

Patient: “About two months!”

Me: “So, you haven’t cleaned them or taken them out of your eye in two months?!”

Patient: “Nope. It’s not my contacts that are bothering me, though. My eyes just hurt.”

Me: “Okay… and you’re diabetic, correct? What’s your blood sugar usually run?”

Patient: “I don’t know; I rarely check. Like 400 something?”

I’m almost speechless but I continue.

Me: “Well, we need to take the contacts out so the doctor can look at your eye.”

Patient: “Do we have to? Taking them out will make my eyes hurt more.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, we do.”

The patient takes his lenses out. They are covered with dirt and build-up to where the lens is a milky grey color rather than clear. I look at the patient’s eyes and they are beet red and swollen. Finally, the doctor comes in after I tell him what’s going on.

Doctor: “Let’s take a look.”

After examining the patient, the doctor can see two huge corneal ulcers exacerbated by uncontrolled diabetes from extended lens wear causing the pain. The doctor explains that these are serious and can lead to permanent scarring which can be irreversible.

Doctor: “These are serious. You need to keep your lenses out to let the eyes heal.”

Patient: “No.”

Doctor: “No?”

Patient: “I’m gonna keep wearing my lenses.”

Doctor: “You really shouldn’t. If this infection doesn’t heal, you can be left with scars or could possibly develop into something much worse and lose the eye.”

Patient: “I don’t care. Give me my lenses.”

Doctor: “My tech has them. She’s finishing cleaning them for you.”

Patient: “Why in the h*** would you clean them?! They were fine!”

Doctor: “Sir, I can’t let you wear these in good conscience knowing it’ll make the problem worse.”

Patient: “F*** y’all! I’m going somewhere else where they know what they’re talking about. These contacts didn’t do anything to my eyes!”

He left with his contacts. We thoroughly documented the encounter and went on about our business.

A month later, he came back threatening to sue our company because he claimed we told him he could continue his lens use and never gave him any treatment for his condition — he left before we could — and now he had a pretty significant corneal scar in both eyes and would require a transplant. My doctor simply printed out the exam notes for him and told him he’d love to see him try. Harsh on my doctor’s part maybe, but don’t fight the people trying to help you!

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 4
Adorable Children, Health & Body, Jerk, Park, Schoolmates, Strangers, USA | Friendly | June 5, 2018
(I have heterochromia, which means I have two different colored eyes. My left one is blue and my right one is brown/hazel. I’ve had many people comment on them, good and bad. Example #1 : I’m taking pictures of the wildlife in the park for a school project. We’re taking a break and decide to make small talk.)

Me: “I like your bracelet.”

Partner: “Thanks, it was a birthday gift.”

Me: “Lucky.”

Partner: “Have you ever considered surgery to make both your eyes the same color?”

Me: “Does something like that exist?”

Partner: “Yeah. My aunt hates contacts but loves blue eyes.”

Me: “Unless it’s glaucoma or vision correction, I don’t feel comfortable going through expensive eye surgery.”

Partner: “But you’d look normal!”

Me: “My definition of normal and yours seem to be at different ends of the spectrum.”

(Example #2 : Same park, weekend, I’m painting the pond.)

Mother: “Go on. Ask her, sweetie.”

Little Girl: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes?”

Little Girl: “Are you a witch? Your eyes are odd.”

Me: “Shhh. If my father hears someone figured out my secret, he might give me twice my magic homework.”

Little Girl: “I promise I won’t tell.” *makes a “my lips are sealed” gesture and skips happily to her mother*

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 3
Convenience Store | Working | April 11, 2013
(I’m at the store near my house, buying a six-pack of beer. I’m partially blind, but know my neighborhood well, and buy my beer/soda/snacks there regularly. This day, there is a new clerk.)

Clerk: “I’ll need to see your driver’s license for the beer, please.”

Me: “Sure thing, boss!”

(I hand over my state-issued ID, which is different from a driver’s license.)

Clerk: “This isn’t a driver’s license. You said you had a driver’s license.”

Me: “This is a state-issued ID. It functions exactly like a driver’s license for most purposes, except for driving.”

Clerk: “So, you’re a drunk driver, and they took your driver’s license away? I shouldn’t be selling beer to an alcoholic.”

Me: “No, I never had a driver’s license. I’m blind, I can’t drive.”

Clerk: “…because they took your license away. I don’t think I should sell this to you. You’ll wind up killing someone, and it’ll be my fault.”

(By this time, the owner realizes what’s going on and speaks up.)

Owner: “Just sell [my name] the **** beer!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 2
Bank, Employees, Stupid, USA | Working | July 4, 2012
(I am a customer at a bank. I am accompanying a friend who happens to be blind. He does not wear dark glasses, so his blindness is apparent to anyone who can see his face. After making a deposit, my friend asks for his balance, and the teller requests his driver’s license as proof of identity. My friend hands her his state-issued ID card.)

Teller: “I am sorry, sir. This ID is not acceptable. I need to see your driver’s license.”

Friend: “I do not have a driver’s license. This is my state ID.”

Teller: “I have to see your driver’s license to verify your identity before I can tell you the balance on this account.”

Friend: “Miss, I do not have a driver’s license. I cannot drive. This card is equivalent to a driver’s license for identification purposes.”

Teller: “Everybody over sixteen can drive, sir. If you do not have your driver’s license, I cannot give you the balance.”

Friend: “Look at me, miss. I am blind. Do you really think I should be able to drive?”

Teller: “Why not?!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye
Home | Romantic | March 30, 2012
Me: “I love you.”

Boyfriend: “I love you, too.”

(I touch my forehead to his, and look tenderly into his eyes. After a moment, he grins.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You know, you look like a Cyclops when you’re this close.”

Me: “Really?” *can’t help but grin anyway* “I was trying to have a meaningful stare into your eyes.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’m having a meaningful stare into your eye!”

Back Pain Sufferers, There Is Hope!
Awesome, Doctor/Physician, Florida, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | May 6, 2021
I’m twenty. For the past few months, I’ve been getting experience in my major field by working long hours in a lab, counting out microscopic worms on Petri dishes. It’s not difficult or too taxing, but I’ve noticed lately that the way I have to sit to reach the scopes has triggered some lower back pain around the center of my hips. I try to ignore it for about three weeks, as my father just laughs when I mention it and I’m worried that my doctor, the pediatrician I’ve seen since birth, will do the same because of my young age and lack of strenuous activity.

It gets to the point that I can barely walk and every few seconds, a shooting pain jumps down from my back to the front of my knee. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever felt, before or since. The spasms keep me at night, and when I wake up one morning to discover that I can’t lean forward or backward more than a few millimeters, I finally go in to see the doctor. As my main doctor isn’t in that day, I’m paired with a new doctor in the practice I’ve never met before. She’s much younger than the others I’ve seen and is incredibly pleasant.

Doctor: “So, I’ve heard you’ve been having back spasms?”

Me: “Yeah. I know, I know, I’m too young to have a back problem. I haven’t had any big jolts to the system or anything, nothing more stressful than sitting in a lab all day, but no matter what I do, I can’t shake this. I didn’t want to bother you guys during the flu season with what’s probably just a stupid pulled muscle but I haven’t slept for two nights now. Laying down or sitting up seems to make it worse, and the over-the-counter painkillers don’t put a dent in it.”

Doctor: “Hey, it’s no problem at all! In fact, I wish you had come in a bit sooner! Back spasms can be really serious, so let’s see if we can figure this out.”

The doctor chats with me about what I’ve done so far to ease the pain and what showed any improvement or made it worse and puts me through some simple range of movement exercises

Doctor: “Okay, I’m going to do a few little tests that should confirm my suspicions about this. I’m going to be putting my thumbs at those little dimples you get at your lower back, okay? Just tell me if it hurts, and which side hurts most.”

I feel something akin to a nail being driven into the area she’s touching.

Me: “Holy moth— Left! Left side! Haha, ouch, Doc.”

Doctor: “Sorry! Sorry, just one more. Pop up there, lay down, and cross your right ankle over your left knee.”

When I lay down, my entire pelvis should be an inch closer to the ground than it is, and I mention it to her.

Doctor: “That’s normal if this last one gives us a positive sign. When I push down on your right knee here, is there—”

Me: “Pain?! Yes. Yes, there is.”

Doctor: “Positive sign! With how long you’ve let this go, it may be too tight for me to fix this here without you doing some home stretches first, but I’ll give it a shot if you’d like?”

Me: “Please, yes. Anything. Feed me to a lion if it would make this stop hurting so much.”

The doctor moves my left leg off the table to hang down the side and shifts my body so my hip also hangs off and instructs me to push up against her downward force on my left knee. My pelvic area makes an ungodly loud cracking sound that can probably be heard in the lobby as it feels like my entire pelvis drops down that missing inch. I fully expect extreme pain.

Me: “AAAGH— Oh, hang on.”

I sit up without difficulty.

Me: “Holy crap. It’s a little sore, but holy crap! You’re a miracle worker! What did you do?! I could kiss you right now!”

Doctor: *Laughing* “I put your sacroiliac joint back in alignment. It’s common for women to have problems with it, though it’s usually after childbirth or an impact accident like a car crash.”

Me: “Yeesh, no chance of that here, and I’ve never been in a wreck.”

Doctor: “Well, it’s unusual, but long periods of sitting in some positions can stress the ligaments and allow the joint to move out of alignment bit by bit. Please, if it ever starts to flare up again, don’t wait so long to come in! It should be manageable with targeted stretching exercises, and I’ll grab you our printout of the ones that should help, but don’t let it get this out of control next time!”

The next day, after a very good night’s sleep, I wrote two letters: one to the head of the clinic commending the doctor for her quick diagnosis and solution, and another to the doctor herself thanking her profusely for taking me seriously right off the bat and being so delightfully friendly during the whole appointment, despite it being a last-minute walk-in. I delivered them with snacks and chocolates for the staff and thoroughly enjoyed showing them how I could once again move without pain. I had to leave their practice once I aged out earlier this year, but I’ve never had a better experience with any other doctor.

A Sudden Jab Of Terror
Children, Medical Office, Missouri, Nurses, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 29, 2021
When I was around five or six, I was at the doctor’s office for a checkup. I knew I would be receiving an injection, and I was terrified of needles. My mother stepped outside of the room with the doctor while we waited for the nurse to come by with the shot.

There was a slight knock on the door and a nurse popped her head in.

Nurse: “Hi! I just need to grab something real quick.”

And she proceeded to pull out the biggest needle I’d ever seen in my short life! I screamed bloody murder.

My mother and the doctor came running back into the room to find the nurse frantically trying to calm me down, but I refused to even let her touch me. The nurse showed the doctor the needle.

Nurse: “I didn’t mean to scare anyone! I feel horrible.”

After the nurse left, my doctor sat down with me.

Doctor: “That needle is meant for more difficult patients and it does hurt, but you are getting the regular-sized needle that hurts much less.”

I later learned the nurse’s needle was for bone marrow aspiration. I received my injection with no complaint.

Those Customers Will Have You In Stitches
Bigotry, Health & Body, Iowa, Jerk, Medical Office, Retail, USA | Healthy | April 27, 2021
I work in a doctor’s office that happens to be located inside a big box retailer. A few days ago, I had three punch biopsies done. The bandage on my shoulder blade feels weird, so I have a coworker check it for me.

An older and very condescending customer walks up and sees the bandage.

Customer: “You young people and your tattoos!”

For the record, I’m forty-five.

Customer: “What did you get, your latest boyfriend’s name? Or something else you’ll regret later in life?”

I choose my words carefully.

Me: “I have stitches on my shoulder blade from a punch biopsy to see if I have melanoma from multiple horrific sunburns in my youth. Would you like to see them?”

Don’t know why, but she walked away.

If You’ve Got Urine There, You’ve Got Bigger Problems
Colorado, Denver, Funny, Health & Body, Home, Non-Dialogue, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 25, 2021
I’ve been diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, so I am taking an antibiotic as well as pills to lessen the discomfort when urinating. I carefully read every word on the package.

This particular medication turns your urine bright orange which, the package sweetly says, will permanently stain clothes, washcloths, rugs, wood floors, and… contact lenses!

What A Bunny Misunderstanding
Doctor/Physician, El Paso, Funny, Restaurant, Texas, USA | Healthy | April 23, 2021
This happened when I was in high school in the 1970s. We had just finished our production of “Harvey” and had gone to the local twenty-four-hour chain restaurant. We were all still in costume and, as I played the sanitarium assistant, I was wearing what appeared to be medical-type clothing. As I walked into the restaurant, a little behind my fellow cast members, a guy came up to me.

Guy: “Is everyone in the accident all right?”

I had no clue why he asked me that, so I just looked at him and said:

Me: “I don’t know.”

And I went to join everybody.

As I sat down, I noticed that there were cops and an ambulance a few blocks down the street. That’s when it hit me: he thought I was a real ambulance attendant!

I can only imagine what he thought, a first responder going into a restaurant when there were injured people to deal with. My other thought was, “I’m sixteen; do I look like an adult to you?”

My fellow cast members thought it was funny.

Not Allergic To A Sunny Disposition!
Beach, California, Health & Body, Jerk, Strangers, USA | Healthy | April 21, 2021
I have a blood disorder called EPP; basically, I’m allergic to the sun. I’m sitting in a tent on the beach to shelter myself. Two girls who look about fourteen or fifteen see me — age ten — with my gloves, sunscreen, and huge sun hat.

Girl #1 : “Hi. Why are you in a tent?”

Girl #2 : “Yeah, can’t you just go inside?”

Me: “My family is here; I don’t wanna just leave. The sun and I aren’t friends.”

Girl #1 : “Well, why are you wearing gloves in a tent? Go outside!”

Me: “I’m allergic.”

Girl #2 : “To going outside? That’s dumb.”

Me: “No! I’m allergic to the sun.”

Both girls are starting to get annoyed, even though I’m not lying and they are the ones who decided to talk to me.

Girl #1 : “That’s not a real allergy.”

Girl #2 : “Yeah, stop lying!”

Me: “It is real, and I’m just glad you don’t have it.”

I went back to playing with my little cards and they walked away.

After that, my mom kept telling me that story because she thought it was really nice how I didn’t actually react in an aggressive way. Even though they were being rude I didn’t wish my allergy on them. I know some people are dealing with some crazy allergies; you aren’t alone!

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 10
Employees, Iceland, Jerk, Medical Office, Reception | Healthy | April 21, 2021
When I was almost nineteen years old, I moved to Iceland to try to work there. I had gotten the job prior to moving, so that and living quarters were not an issue. The job was as an uneducated gardener, so some of it was physical-labour intensive — digging and moving heavy stuff. It was nothing too bad, but as this was very new to me, I did find some new muscles.

One day, about three weeks after I had started, I noticed that my wrist was hurting very badly, every time I tried to use any equipment, light or heavy. Since I had some small problems with my wrist years before, I wanted to get it checked by a doctor to see if it just needed rest or something more.

As I was in a new country, I didn’t understand the local language too well, so I wasn’t sure where to find a healthcare center. Luckily, there was one close to my working area, so I went there to ask them how to get help.

I waited patiently in the queue, and when it was my turn, I asked politely if we could have the conversation in English. The receptionist started to huff, but she did reply in English.

Me: “My wrist is hurting, and I would like to know if someone could take a look at it. Since I haven’t been to a doctor in Iceland before, could you please tell me how I book a time with one?”

Receptionist: *Huffs in anger* “You cannot just walk in here and expect a doctor to just see you! You need to book a time!”

I was very confused, since that’s exactly what I asked for help with.

Me: “Well, yes, that’s what I’m planning on. I’m not expecting a doctor right now, but I just want to know how to book a time. I’ve never done that in Iceland before. Could you help me?”

Receptionist: *Still huffing in anger* “You need to call in order to book at time! This is not how you do it!” *Starts to look at some papers*

Me: *Lost for words* “But… I’m trying to do exactly that. How do I—”

Receptionist: *Cuts me off* “Here! Take this paper and fill it out. Give it back afterward.”

I was very confused, but the papers were in English, so I could fill them out. Afterward, I went back to the receptionist, since I thought maybe now I could get the info I needed.

Me: “Here is the paper. What now?”

Receptionist: *Still clearly annoyed* “Sit down over there. A doctor will take you as soon as possible.”

Me: *Very confused* “But… I did not mean…”

By now, the receptionist was just glaring at me, so I couldn’t do anything else but sit down and wait. Some fifteen or twenty minutes later, a door next to me opened and a doctor asked me to come in.

Doctor: *Visibly not satisfied, but not angry* “You know, you need to book a time before you can see a doctor here. You cannot just walk in and demand one.”

I was now even more confused and annoyed, but I was still trying to be polite.

Me: “But that’s exactly what I tried to do! I did ask the receptionist how to book a time, but they didn’t answer me. They just gave me some papers to fill out and asked me to sit down and wait! I never expected to see a doctor now or even today!”

The doctor finally seemed to realize what had happened.

Doctor: “Really? Well, there is a phone number you can call. And since you live outside of this area, you should go to another healthcare center closer to your address.”

The doctor checked my wrist, and thankfully, it was only about me not being used to this kind of work, so it only needed as much rest as I could give it for a few days. I was still allowed to work.

But I never got an answer to my original question: how do I book a time with a doctor at the healthcare center in my area? It took me at least a year before I found out on my own, and only because I had learned the language well enough.

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 9
Employees, England, Health & Body, Hotel, Jerk, London, UK | Working | December 18, 2020
A few years ago, a couple of friends and I go on holiday to London. While the flight itself and the customs have been pretty normal, once we are on the way to the city, my friend starts to have a pretty heavy nosebleed. While it’s managed pretty well, it’s still enough to make him look a bit pale; we decide to postpone lunch and get straight to the hotel so that he can rest and recover a bit.

We three enter the tiny hotel’s lobby, and I can already see the receptionist’s eyes widen.

Receptionist: “Um… do you guys need some help? Water? A towel?”

Bleeding Friend: “That would be nice, yeah… Where I can get it?”

The receptionist points to the dining room downstairs, which my friend wobbly descends as he tries to avoid scattering any possible blood droplets. The receptionist then turns to me and my other friend.

Receptionist: “Do I need to call 111? Or is he full of coke?”

Other Friend: “Beg your pardon?”

Receptionist: “Just be honest with me. I won’t tell the police if he’s high; I just need to know in case he starts acting weird. I wouldn’t want to wrestle him down.”

Other Friend: “Uh… No, he’s not?”

Me: “Sorry, but you’ve never met somebody having a heavy nosebleed?”

Receptionist: “You don’t have to hide it, just—”

Other Friend: “Just what? He’s got blood leaking down his nose, for what reason I’ve got no idea. Can we please move on?”

Receptionist: “I don’t want to deal with him if he goes ape-s***, okay? I’m not his buddy or his tamer.”

Me: “Do you want to check us in, or do you want us to go take our business elsewhere?”

He sighed and let us do the check-in process. During our stay, the cleaners opened up our doors a couple of times without warning while we were in the room. While it was likely an honest mistake, I can’t help but suspect that the receptionist was trying to catch us in the imaginary act. Seriously, though, is it hard to believe you can get a natural nosebleed?

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 8
Jerk, North Carolina, Office, Reception, Stupid, USA | Working | October 19, 2020
I work at a security firm and we mail out notices about our upcoming symposium inviting vendors and customers from all over. These are really cool, interesting speakers: folks demonstrating their new inventions. We even had Henry Lee, the forensic scientist, as a guest speaker one year. Pretty cool. Participants have to pay, of course, but it’s well worth it to drum up business, see cool things, etc.

We use a mailing list to print out the letters and address the envelopes. As I’m going over the list, I see that several of these are outdated and/or completely just wrong. We have about 500 of these, so I continue reading the list. Finally, I get upwards of fifty that are wrong. I speak to our receptionist, who is… well, quite entitled, a spoiled brat, and never wrong.

Me: “Hey, [Receptionist], where is the database for these?”

Receptionist: “Why?”

Me: “Well, a lot of these names are wrong, addresses are wrong, or they no longer exist. I want to correct them so that it’s right this time, as well as making sure it will be updated for next year.”

Receptionist: “No, now is not the time to be updating the database. We need to stuff and send out the envelopes.”

She is LITERALLY refusing to tell me where the database is.

Me: “What do you mean ‘now is not the time to update the database’? Now is the perfect time to update the database, because these names and addresses are incorrect. Like this guy, he hasn’t worked there for months, and this company, they moved like years ago!”

Receptionist: “No, now is not the time…”

She literally repeats herself.

Me: “So, let me get this straight. We know that the database is old and outdated. We know there are several names and addresses that are incorrect… but you want me to print them out anyway, and stuff envelopes and mail them with incorrect names and addresses on them… knowing they will simply come back to us?”

Receptionist: “Yes.”

Me: “…”

We have plenty of time to correct the database and stuff and send the envelopes, so I’m not sure what the rush is. I could see if it was in a few days, but it isn’t for months.

But, since she is refusing to give me access to the database, I simply print out the invitations with the incorrect names and/or addresses and pass them out. We spend the afternoon stuffing, sealing, and affixing the labels onto the envelopes. We then mail out all 500 of them.

As part of my duties, I walk to the post office to get the mail. I enjoy it; I got out of the office, and it’s a nice walk down. So, as you have probably guessed, over the next several days we get TONS of these invitations stamped, “Return to sender, incorrect address,” and I give them to the receptionist. This goes on for DAYS: twenty here, fifty here, another ten…

By the end, we receive over 80% of the mailings returned to us. The receptionist’s eyes widen each and every day, accompanied with a quizzical look on her face. She finally gets mad at me — as it’s my fault, right? Don’t shoot the messenger! — and she finally explodes.

Receptionist: “Why are we getting so many of these bounced back?!”

Me: “Because I told your dumb a** that all of the names and addresses were wrong but you wouldn’t let me correct it, and you told us all to stuff the envelopes, even though the information was wrong!”

She looks at me with anger and even more confusion, though she never denies that I warned her.

The day of the symposium is a joke. It is like when a loser holds a birthday party and no one shows up. I mean, it is ridiculous the small number of folks who attend. We lose an incredible amount of money that day.

Boss: “What the heck happened?! Why did hardly anybody show?!”

Me: “Talk to [Receptionist]. She thought it was a good idea at the time.”

And I simply walked away. No one ever spoke a word about it, and for some reason, the receptionist was still kept. To this day, I wonder if she blackmailed someone or what because she constantly screwed up like that and was never fired or written up.

I quit the company shortly thereafter, but I imagine the future events, since the receptionist never updated the database, were equally underwhelming in attendance.

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 7
Employees, Hotel, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Reception, USA | Working | September 16, 2020
I’m checking into a hotel for an event. As I’m a guest of honor, the event is paying for my hotel room. My boyfriend is also staying with me, but the room is in my name. I go to the desk.

Receptionist: “Hi there! How can I help you?”

Me: “I’m checking in; it should be under [My Name].”

Receptionist: “Can I see your ID?”

I hand it over. I’m used to the check-in process, as I’ve been a guest at several other events in addition to attending. The receptionist frowns and looks at my boyfriend.

Receptionist: “Can I see your ID, sir?”

Boyfriend: “The room is in her name; why do you need my ID?”

Receptionist: “She’s not showing up. If you don’t show me ID, I can’t check you in.”

Me: “The room is in my name. It was booked with [event]; they said it’s under my name. Is there another way to check?”

Receptionist: “I’ll just get my manager. He’ll tell you the same thing, though.”

She walks to a room behind the desk, then comes back with her manager.

Manager: “If you don’t show ID—”

Me: “She has my ID. The room is in my name. There is no reason I shouldn’t be able to check in.”

Manager: “Let me check, then.”

He takes my ID from the receptionist and then types on the computer. He then hands me my ID and a pair of key cards.

Manager: “Here you are; you’re in room [number]. It looks like my employee misspelled your name in the search.”

Receptionist: “What? No, I typed it right! You’re just making me look bad!”

Manager: “Sure. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, you two. Enjoy your stay.”

We did enjoy the event, but we also did leave feedback about the receptionist. Talking to a few of the other guests, we weren’t the only ones given trouble.

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 7
Employees, Hotel, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, Reception, USA | Working | September 16, 2020
I’m checking into a hotel for an event. As I’m a guest of honor, the event is paying for my hotel room. My boyfriend is also staying with me, but the room is in my name. I go to the desk.

Receptionist: “Hi there! How can I help you?”

Me: “I’m checking in; it should be under [My Name].”

Receptionist: “Can I see your ID?”

I hand it over. I’m used to the check-in process, as I’ve been a guest at several other events in addition to attending. The receptionist frowns and looks at my boyfriend.

Receptionist: “Can I see your ID, sir?”

Boyfriend: “The room is in her name; why do you need my ID?”

Receptionist: “She’s not showing up. If you don’t show me ID, I can’t check you in.”

Me: “The room is in my name. It was booked with [event]; they said it’s under my name. Is there another way to check?”

Receptionist: “I’ll just get my manager. He’ll tell you the same thing, though.”

She walks to a room behind the desk, then comes back with her manager.

Manager: “If you don’t show ID—”

Me: “She has my ID. The room is in my name. There is no reason I shouldn’t be able to check in.”

Manager: “Let me check, then.”

He takes my ID from the receptionist and then types on the computer. He then hands me my ID and a pair of key cards.

Manager: “Here you are; you’re in room [number]. It looks like my employee misspelled your name in the search.”

Receptionist: “What? No, I typed it right! You’re just making me look bad!”

Manager: “Sure. I’m sorry for the inconvenience, you two. Enjoy your stay.”

We did enjoy the event, but we also did leave feedback about the receptionist. Talking to a few of the other guests, we weren’t the only ones given trouble.

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 6
Employees, Jerk, Job Interview, Office, Reception, UK | Working | September 8, 2020
I am job hunting and have just been invited to my first interview. I have also just been awarded my doctorate and am using my new title on my application. When I arrive at the interview, I am asked to sit in a waiting room with a number of other visitors and prospective job candidates. After a while, a receptionist enters.

Receptionist: “Doctor [My Name], they’re ready for you now.”

I stand up.

Me: “That’s me.”

The receptionist looks at me with a puzzled expression.

Receptionist: “Are you sure you’re Doctor [My Name]? Because you don’t look clever.”

Gee, thanks for the confidence boost just before the interview! She did later try to explain that she was expecting somebody more nerdy-looking.

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 5
Alberta, Canada, Employees, Medical Office, Reception, Stupid | Working | August 31, 2020
As a medical receptionist, it’s my job to phone patients to set up appointments. After trying several times to reach one patient to set up a new consult appointment, with no answer, I notify the referring doctor.

Me: “I’ve tried several times to phone this patient, but I get no answer.”

Receptionist: “Did you try her cell number?”

Me: “We don’t have record of a cell number, just the home phone number on the referral letter you sent us.”

Receptionist: “Oh, well, it’s here in her chart.”

Me: “But the referral letter you sent doesn’t have that number, just the home phone number.”

Receptionist: “But it’s in her chart, right here.”

Me: “But you didn’t send us that information when you sent the referral letter.”

Receptionist: “Well, we have a cell phone number. Do you want the number?”

Me: *Inner sigh and facepalm* “Yes. Please give me the cell number.”

Upon reflection, as soon as she said cell number, I should have just asked for the number instead of arguing with her, but still…

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 4
Australia, Current Events, Employees, Hobart, Non-Dialogue, Pharmacy, Stupid, Tasmania | Working | October 1, 2020
With the ongoing health crisis, doctors in my state are doing consultations by phone and having their receptionists fax or email the prescriptions to the patient’s preferred pharmacy.

One particular doctor’s surgery seemed to be having trouble with their fax machine. I received about ten copies of the cover page but none of the prescriptions that were meant to be faxed with it.

I called the practise and suggested they tried email, instead. Soon after, I received an email with an attached photograph of a pile of prescriptions.

Yes, instead of scanning or photographing them individually, the receptionist put the prescriptions in a nice, neat stack so that only the top one was readable.

At least they tried, I suppose? A day later we’re still trying to get those same prescriptions. Maybe tomorrow we’ll get lucky?

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 3
Current Events, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, Reception, USA | Healthy | June 22, 2020
I have a compromised immune system, so I’ve been working from home and haven’t been going out much. My doctor has set up telehealth visits where we can video chat instead of going to the office.

A few days before my visit, I get a call from the office.

Me: “Hello?”

Receptionist #1 : “Hi, this is [Receptionist #1 ] from [Doctor]’s office. Am I speaking with [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, this is her.”

Receptionist #1 : “Okay! I need to go over some basic information before your appointment. It’s just the check-in stuff we would normally do in person. Do you have about fifteen minutes for that?”

I glance at my schedule and see that I don’t have anything pressing coming up.

Me: “Sure.”

We go over my basic info — name, date of birth, weight, medications, etc. — and she verifies that I know how to log in to see the doctor. We hang up and I go back to work.

The next day, I get another call from their office. Unfortunately, I’m already in a call with a client, so I can’t answer. After I’m done, I listen to the voicemail.

Receptionist #2 : “Hi, this is [Receptionist #2 ] from [Doctor]’s office calling for [My Name]. I just need to go over some basic information with you before your appointment. Please call us back at [phone number] prior to your visit. Thank you.”

Thinking this is about something new, I call back.

Receptionist #2 : “[Doctor]’s office.”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. I just received a call about some information before my visit?”

Receptionist #2 : “Okay. Let me pull up your file here… Okay, we just need to do your basic check-in before your visit. Do you have about fifteen minutes?”

Me: *Confused* “I did that yesterday. Is there something new?”

Receptionist #2 : “Hmm, I don’t see anything here. Are you sure it was with us?”

Me: “Yeah, same number, same appointment.”

Receptionist #2 : “Well, I’m not sure what happened but nothing is charted here. Can we go over it to make sure?”

Me: “I have a few minutes, yeah.”

We go through everything again, and after the receptionist assures me it’s all been documented, we hang up. The following day I get ANOTHER call from the same office. I’m still working, so I let it go to voicemail again. It’s a third receptionist, wanting to verify all of my information yet again. I call back, annoyed.

Receptionist #3 : “[Doctor]’s office.”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. I received another call about my upcoming appointment.”

Receptionist #3 : “I see. Well, it looks like we’ve been trying to reach you, I see. I can go over your info now if—”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry. I’m sure this isn’t your fault, but I’ve done this twice already. Is it not being logged or something?”

Receptionist #3 : “I don’t see anything about us talking with you. Do you know who it was?”

Me: “Well, I have [Receptionists #2 & #3 ] in voicemails but I can’t remember the first one’s name.”

Receptionist #3 : “Mmhmm, I called today. I see that [Receptionists #1 & #2 ] also reached out. Are you sure you spoke with us, not another office?”

Me: “Yes. I’m sure. How is this not being recorded? Can you ask the other receptionists?”

Receptionist #3 : “I’m not sure what’s going on, but I can go over your information with you now.”

Me: *Sigh* “Fine.”

For a third time, I went through everything. I guess it finally stuck because that was the last call before the doctor’s visit. When I asked her if other people had the same problem, she said she didn’t know anything about it. Suddenly, I miss those in-person visits.

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist
Jerk, Medical Office, Reception, USA | Healthy | February 17, 2020
(I have a potential diagnosis of a rare and extremely painful neurological disorder. I have to schedule with a neurologist, who lives a four-hour drive from where I live. By this point, I’ve been in severe pain for several months, and my patience for rudeness is admittedly running a bit thin.)

Me: “Hi, I’m calling to see if I need an MRI before I come down.”

Receptionist: “The doctor will inform you if you need that at the appointment.”

Me: “Yes, I understand that, but it’s a four-hour drive to see this doctor and I have to stay overnight and I’d rather not have to do it more than once.”

Receptionist: *much more snippy than is necessary* “Well, that’s not my problem, is it?”

Me: “Pardon me, but I’ve been in fairly serious pain for a while and that’s why I’m calling your office — to make sure that the appointment to get rid of my pain runs smoothly.”

Receptionist: “There’s no reason to take that tone.”

Me: “Are you f****** kidding me?!”

Receptionist: “Young lady, if you insist on using that language with me, I will disconnect the call and inform [Doctor] of your attitude, and we’ll see if you see another neurologist in this hospital.”

(I disconnected the call, had a panic attack, and then cried with my mom for an hour. No one is making a first appointment with a specialist for happy fun times. If you don’t understand that someone is probably calling because they’re in pain or sick, maybe you shouldn’t work in healthcare.)

We’re Not Kitten; You’re A Hero!
Awesome, Canada, Inspirational, Non-Dialogue, Ontario, Pet Boarding/Pet Hotel, Pets & Animals | Healthy | April 19, 2021
I’m a Registered Veterinary Technician running my own pet sitting and dog walking business. I’m on day two of a three-day overnight pet sit at a breeder’s home with cats and dogs and it’s a long weekend for Easter. There are currently three six-and-a-half-week-old kittens running about creating havoc and general kitten mischief.

I have to drive back into town to care for my own pets and take a quick shower. Shortly after returning to the client’s home, I hear faint distressed meowing coming from down the hallway. I go to investigate, opening some of the bedrooms to check to make sure I didn’t lock a kitten in when letting the dogs in and out of their rooms.

I get to the master bedroom and find a bunch of the cats peeking under the bed, and the meowing is coming from underneath it. I get down and look and find one of the kittens wrapped up in some fabric that had been torn from the bottom of the box spring. I reach under to try to unwrap her, but she’s halfway under and I can barely reach or see her and it feels like the fabric is wrapped around a leg. I crawl back out and rush to the kitchen to grab a pair of scissors to try to cut her out with.

On my way back, I hear her give one more strained cry and fall silent. I rush over to the side of the bed and get down, ready to reach back under, only to be face to face with an angry hissing momma cat. Fearing more for the kitten than myself, I plead with her not to scratch my face and reach under. The kitten has gone limp. In a panic, I realize that there is no way I am going to be able to maneuver the scissors to cut the fabric and instead grab a handful of the fabric close to the boxspring and pull. I don’t know if it’s adrenaline or if the fabric is just frayed enough, but I manage to rip the fabric from the bed and pull the kitten out.

She’s still not moving or breathing, and I see that the fabric is wrapped tightly around her little neck. I manage to get the scissors between the fabric and cut it. Even with the fabric removed from her neck, she still is not breathing, and I begin CPR and mouth to mouth. After a minute of compressions and breaths, she starts coughing and moving sluggishly. I scoop her up and rush to put her in a carrier while getting the emergency vet number and also trying to reach my client over the phone.

We don’t have an emergency vet that stays open up here; instead, the clinics rotate who is on call each day and you have to wait for them to call you back. While waiting, I keep monitoring the kitten, and she slowly starts to move around and be aware of her surroundings.

Finally, after twenty minutes, the vet calls me back and we go through an assessment over the phone to determine if I should bring her in. By then, the kitten is acting as if nothing happened beyond being a bit quiet, and it is decided that she will be okay.

And that is how I saved the life of a six-and-a-half-week-old kitten by knowing how to perform CPR on pets. Happy Pet First Aid Month, everyone! If you have pets, please consider enrolling in a class that will teach you Pet CPR and First Aid; you never know when it may save a tiny life.

Make Your Bloodwork Work For You
Health & Body, Medical Office, Memphis, Non-Dialogue, Office, Stupid, Tennessee, USA | Healthy | April 15, 2021
I have a coworker who brags about never answering her phone if she doesn’t recognize the number. I’m not sure what the big deal is; if it’s a telemarketer just hang up. Also, she says she never listens to voicemails because if it’s important they’ll call back.

Recently, she went to her doctor on a Friday because she had been feeling terrible for a while. The doctor took bloodwork and she went home.

The doctor’s office then spent the rest of the weekend trying to call her and tell her to go to the emergency room based on her test results. However, she didn’t recognize the number so she didn’t answer it.

Finally, they were able to call her next of kin, and he called her to go to the ER

Put Your Foot In Your Mouth And We’ll Never Touch It Again
Bad Behavior, Instant Karma, Medical Office, Patients, Reddit | Healthy | CREDIT: SubjectDelta28 | April 13, 2021
I work at a podiatrist’s office as an X-ray tech. Most of our patients are elderly and are near and dear to my heart — the kind of people who are like second grandparents to you whose feet you happen to be very acquainted with. Then there’s patients like this woman.

[Patient] is that kind of woman who’s sickly sweet to your face and then complains to your superiors like you killed her puppy. We dread looking at the schedule to see her name on the daily patient appointment list. Some of my coworkers have flat-out REFUSED to take her back to a patient room and get vital signs, prep her room, etc. Everyone at my office has a [Patient] story. It’s practically a rite of passage.

She has been coming to our office for about three years. In my own personal experience with her, she acts kind to my face but slightly entitled. She once complained to my doctor about something I did, and to be honest, it was so mundane that neither I nor the doctor she complained to — who owns our practice — took it seriously. The doctor told the patient she’d speak to me about it and told me, “Oh, [Patient] complained about you, [My Name], but she complains about everyone.”

When she didn’t get the proper reaction that she expected from the doctor, she then tried to call a day or so later and speak to our office manager. My coworker picked up the phone and spoke to her. She had the NERVE to say, “I don’t want to get anyone in trouble, but I think it needs to be addressed.” Lady, you went out of your way TWICE to complain about me. You wanted me to get in trouble.

On to the main event: [Patient] FINALLY gets her comeuppance.

I am on maternity leave when this happens, so this is second-hand from my coworker.

[Patient] comes into the office in apparently a very foul mood — more so than usual, anyway. One of our nurses calls [Patient] back to a room three minutes after her scheduled appointment time. [Patient] proceeds to contradict all of the nurse’s questions and information out of spite.

For example:

Nurse #1 : “[Patient], your blood pressure is 142/90.”

Patient: “That’s not right. My blood pressure is usually 140/80.”

[Nurse #1 ] is an older woman and is over the years of [Patient]’s bulls***, so she merely says:

Nurse #1 : “Okay then.”

Then, when the doctor comes in, [Patient] starts making demands.

Patient: “You have to give me an injection! My feet hurt and you’re going to fix it now.”

The doctor’s policy is that these injections, which can help with certain types of foot pain, are a once-in-every-three-months deal, and if something stronger is needed, they’ll look at physical therapy, so they don’t just throw pain pills at you. [Patient] had her injection about one week ago and has constantly refused physical therapy despite having no valid or medical reason to not go. She is very lazy and just wants a solution NOW; she doesn’t want to correct things in her life that would easily stop the problem for good, instead of temporarily.

Then, [Patient] demands new diabetic shoes. Normally, we do offer this service with [Nurse #2 ], who is the only one with the certification to take the measurements for these shoes. However, [Patient] burned that bridge a long time ago because she repeatedly treated [Nurse #2 ] like garbage and called her a b****. [Nurse #2 ] refused to measure her ever again long ago.

Knowing this, the doctor tells [Patient] that she will send orders for new diabetic shoes to another company we work with. But [Patient] doesn’t WANT shoes from them. She wants them from US. The doctor doesn’t want to throw [Nurse #2 ] under the bus, so she simply tells her that we’re not offering diabetic shoes from our office at this time. [Patient] keeps getting angrier but has no choice but to accept defeat.

She goes to our receptionist’s window and pays with a credit card.

Receptionist: “Would you like your receipt?”

Patient: “Ugh, no! Why would I want that?”

She then proceeds to stomp on out to her car. Three minutes later, she calls our receptionist from the parking lot.

Patient: *Angry* “You need to print me off a receipt for our transaction today! Why wasn’t I given one?!”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, I offered it to you before you left. I can send it to you in the mail or you can pick it up from our office at your convenience.”

Patient: “You did not offer me my receipt! I’m in the parking lot; you need to bring it out to me now!”

Receptionist: “Ma’am, you can come back inside and get it or I can send it to you in the mail. I can’t leave my desk as I’m the only receptionist in the office today.”

Patient: “You have to bring it out to me now! My legs hurt and I can’t walk in there!”

This is crap; she just walked out of the building just fine and had no leg injuries.

Then, [Patient] just starts yelling about how she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this and how someone needs to bring her the receipt NOW, and so on. It’s so loud that [Nurse #2 ] can hear [Patient] yelling on the phone from several feet away.

Nurse #2 : “Is that [Patient]?”

Receptionist: “It is.”

Nurse #2 : “Give me the phone; I’ll handle this.” *Into the phone* “Hello, this is [Nurse #2 ]. How can I help you?”

Patient: *Yelling* “You need to bring me my receipt now. My legs hurt and you need to bring it now! I should have been offered it in the first place when I checked out! This is ridiculous. You’re all incompetent! Bring it to me now!”

Nurse #2 : “Ma’am, your legs seemed to be working just fine when you walked out of the office. Now, you can either come in and get your paper yourself or we can mail it to you.”

[Patient] starts yelling incoherently, repeatedly calling [Nurse #2 ] a b****, etc.

Nurse #2 : “You have a nice day ma’am.” *Hangs up*

[Nurse #2 ] told me how great it felt to just call [Patient] out on her bulls*** and it was so satisfying to hear about. But it gets BETTER! Apparently, the doctor that was working that day had overheard [Patient] yelling on the phone and was NOT having the way [Patient] treated the entire staff. She told our other doctor — the one that owns the practice — and they agreed that they would dismiss her from the practice.

The rest of my workdays are looking a lot more [Patient]-less every day I go in.

Childish Mistakes
Germany, Hospital, Jerk, Nurses | Healthy | April 11, 2021
A few weeks ago, I had to have a hysterectomy. I have no children, never wanted children, and am almost too old to have them. Also, if I can now live my life free of period pains, I’m all for it. But I know that it is a sensitive issue for many women.

While wheeling me along to the operation, the male nurse asks:

Nurse #1 : “Do you have kids?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse #1 : “Me, neither. It is really sad. A life without children isn’t really worthwhile.”

Dude, don’t tell this to a woman about to have her womb taken out.

Later, when they take me for a scan, a nurse says:

Nurse #2 : “So, you’ve just given birth, right?”

Me: “No. No, I haven’t.”

When I talked to my gynecologist, she was flabbergasted. And rightly so. I mean, it wasn’t a big deal for me. But really, maybe be more sensitive next time.

Fresh Tomatoes Are Really Exciting
Bizarre, Canada, Funny, Grocery Store, Health & Body, Ontario, Rude & Risque, Toronto | Healthy | April 8, 2021
Many years ago, I was shopping in a Canadian grocery store. As I wandered down the veg aisle, a lady in front of me started making weird, guttural noises. Then, her knees went all funny and I leapt in, caught her, and helped her to a bench.

Her face was red and she was sweating and, having just finished my first ever first aid course, I was sure she was having a seizure, so I checked her pulse — rapid — and prepared to call her an ambulance. But as I went to rush off, she grabbed my sleeve and told me not to.

I tried to explain that she was having a seizure and that she needed help.

I. Was. Wrong.

And this woman was so embarrassed that she accidentally told me the truth.

A friend of hers had given her something called a “love egg” and told her that it would give her a mild “happy” while she did the groceries. Instead, she went full O-face in the salad aisle. That explained the noises she was trying to suppress and that was why her knees had failed.

I was barely twenty at the time and had no idea what to do so I got her a glass of water and legged it. I hope that she learned from this experience, but I’m also kind of jealous; I mean, I have never once, in all my years, enjoyed a shopping trip that much.

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Routine Ultra-Stupidity
Billing, Hospital, Stupid, USA | Healthy | April 5, 2021
I am pregnant, and I’m sent for a routine ultrasound. I’m considered a low-risk, routine maternity case. The place where I’ve gone for ultrasounds in previous pregnancies is completely booked up, so when I go to schedule, they say they’ll just schedule me with the other ultrasound office in the building.

After I get the ultrasound, the bill arrives, and it is orders of magnitude higher than what it has been in the past… approximately nine times higher. My insurance company refuses to pay that amount of money, and it gets kicked back to me.

I call the insurance company and ask why they didn’t cover the ultrasound and am told that the ultrasound was billed as an ultrasound for a high-risk pregnancy but I am not a high-risk patient. So, I call the ultrasound office.

Me: “I’m trying to figure out a solution here. It seems that the ultrasound was billed as for a high-risk pregnancy, but I’m not a high-risk patient, so insurance rejected it.”

Clinic: “Oh, but that’s because we’re the high-risk office, so your doctor wanted a high-risk scan.”

Me: “I was sent to you because the other office was booked. They told me that you were covering their overflow because you had space.”

Clinic: “Yes, we agreed to alleviate some of their scheduling issues.”

Me: “So, you knew I wasn’t high-risk. Why did you do the high-risk scan?”

Clinic: “Oh, we didn’t do the high-risk scan because you aren’t a high-risk patient.”

Me: “So, why did you bill me for a high-risk scan?”

Clinic: “Because we’re specialists. We specialize in high-risk perinatal care.”

Me: “But you were just covering for the other office, right?”

Clinic: “Yes. But you can’t expect us to not be paid what we’re worth, can you?”

Me: “But you didn’t do the high-risk scan, right?”

Clinic: “No, but if we’d seen anything high-risk, we would have been able to tell you because we’re highly-trained. You have to pay for our higher training.”

Me: “So, if a surgeon who is capable of a kidney transplant gives you stitches, you should have to pay for a kidney transplant?”

Clinic: “You got a higher level of care here, so you have to pay for that higher level of care.”

Me: “I’m just lost for words here.”