Food for the body and soul

Help Me Help You
Bad Behavior, California, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, USA | Healthy | September 3, 2020
I am in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. While I am there waiting for surgery, I overhear a conversation with a man being extremely loud and a nurse trying to tend to him.

Nurse: “Sir, I need to ask you to calm down so we can treat your injuries.”

Man: “No! I bet you gonna try and sew me up so you can pass it off to my insurance! I ain’t falling for that s***!”

Nurse: “Sir, I’m gonna ask you to please calm down so we can stop the bleeding and at least bandage you up!”

Man: “NO! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO STEAL MONEY FROM ME! I’M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR S***! SEND ME ANOTHER NURSE OR SOMETHING!”

Nurse: “Listen! I don’t have to deal with your attitude, but it’s my duty as a nurse to tend to injuries. Now either you can calm down and let me at least bandage you up and give you pain relievers and send you on your way, I can have security escort you out while we clean the mess you made, or I can send you to [Nearest Hospital, in another city] if you want to be rowdy as you are. What’s it gonna be?!”

I don’t hear anything for ten minutes, or I pass out from the painkillers, but I overhear the nurse and another nurse speaking after a while.

Nurse #1 : “I can’t believe he was that stubborn over a ‘paper’ cut on his arm.”

I’m guessing that is a code term for minor cuts and whatnot.

Nurse #2 : “Paper cut? That did not look like a paper cut!”

Nurse #1 : “Trust me; when you’ve had to file paperwork as much as I have in my time, you realize the difference between a ‘stab wound’ and a nasty paper cut.”

I have been thankful ever since for how kind the nurses were while I was in the hospital, after seeing what they put up with daily.

Apparently, Not Everyone Hates Needles?
Hospital, Liars/Scammers, Non-Dialogue, USA, West Virginia | Healthy | September 1, 2020
My coworker is working registration in the emergency department. A visitor for a patient comes in, and after my coworker checks with the nurse, she tells the gentleman to have a seat in the waiting room and she will get her as soon as he can go back.

Shortly after, a nurse comes out calling the names of a few patients ready to be seen.

She is busy helping a new patient check in when she believes she sees the gentleman sneak in with the group of patients.

She is busy and doesn’t have time to stop him and she figures staff will end up sending him back out.

After a few minutes, she has everyone checked in and a patient comes out of the waiting room enquiring how long until he can go back.

Once he tells her the name, she instantly recognizes it as one the nurse had just called. She looks up the name, and sure enough, it’s showing him roomed in the ED.

She quickly calls the nurse who is about to put an IV in the visitor’s arm.

Unlike sneaking to visit a patient like my coworker expected this guy would do, instead, he followed the nurse to the room pretending to be someone else.

I don’t know how he faked his way that far since all nurses ask for name and birthday confirmation before they do anything.

Security removed him quickly after they realized what was going on.

Which Hurts Worse? The Broken Bone Or Worker’s Comp?
Billing, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Jerk, USA | Healthy | August 31, 2020
I fall down at work and badly injure my foot and ankle. I limp to the bathrooms and feel it; it’s puffing up quick. My supervisor comes over and asks what happened. I tell him; he facepalms and tells me to drive myself to the hospital and not to worry because I have worker’s compensation.

I do, but the adrenaline wears off. I can’t use my right foot because it’s too painful, so I have to use my left. Luckily, there’s no traffic because it’s very awkward and painful to drive. I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming. Once I get there, I park and hop to the lobby. My supporting leg buckles and I can’t go further.

I yell for help and the receptionist gives me a wheelchair. I check in and tell her it’s worker’s compensation and she says okay. I’m feeling quite sorry for myself, and then I hear sobbing. There’s an older woman whose foot looks black and rotted. I stop feeling so sorry for myself.

After a long wait, I’m taken to get x-rays, and after a longer wait after that, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: *Very cheerily* “Well! I looked over your x-rays and you have sprained your ankle and broken your foot!”

Me: “Oh, no! I’ve never broken anything. Will I need surgery?”

Doctor: *Big grin* “No, it’s just a foot! Ha! You can just use a boot!”

Me: “Oh, but I need it.”

Doctor: “Now, let me just wrap your foot!”

She grabs my poor, already black and blue foot, roughly.

Me: “Owwwwww!”

Doctor: “Oh, I’m sorry. Does it hurt?”

Yeah, it’s broken, duh.

She wrapped it up while humming and gave me a boot and crutches. Then, I was thrown out, and later, the hospital said I needed to pay. I told them again that it was worker’s compensation and they said okay. But they kept calling and sending letters every day, saying the worker’s compensation company wouldn’t answer their calls! They kept harassing me until I finally gave in. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have, but anyone who’s been harassed every day for yea

More Like “Harmacist”
Employees, New Jersey, Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy | August 30, 2020
My boyfriend and I decide to have sex one night, so we grab a condom, but it breaks halfway through, and we don’t realize until we finish.

I decide to go to the pharmacy to get a morning-after pill. I don’t look particularly young. When I arrive at the pharmacy, the pharmacist comes right up to the counter.

Me: “Hi. Can I get the morning-after pill?”

Pharmacist: “Did you speak with your doctor?”

Me: “Um, no.”

Pharmacist: “You need to speak with your doctor, first, sweetheart. And I need your parents’ consent.”

Me: “Um, first of all, no, you don’t. Even if I was underage, you don’t need their consent. And I should get the pill if I ask for it right here; I shouldn’t have to speak to my doctor.”

Pharmacist: “Underage? How old are you?”

Me: “Twenty-four.”

The pharmacist looks surprised before consulting with another pharmacist. They both come over, the first pharmacist watching from behind the second pharmacist. The second pharmacist hands me the package with the pill.

Second Pharmacist: “Sorry about that. She’s never acted like that before. I’ll

That’s The Trouble With Affordable Healthcare
Emergency Room, England, Hospital, Impossible Demands, London, Nurses, Parents/Guardians, Stupid, UK | Healthy | August 28, 2020
I work in a hospital. A mother brings her daughter into the emergency room.

Nurse: “Hi there. Could you describe the nature of your medical needs?”

Mother: “My daughter stepped in dog poop and I’m afraid she might have an infection.”

Nurse: “Okay, does your daughter have any open wounds, blisters, warts, etc., near where she came into contact with the dog poop?”

Mother: “No.”

Nurse: “Did you wash her foot afterward with warm water and soap?”

Mother: “That’s disgusting! Why would I do that?”

Nurse: “To protect your daughter from infection?”

Mother: “No, I just threw it out.”

Nurse: “Wha…” *Lightbulb moment* “Was your daughter wearing shoes when she stepped in the poop?”

Mother: “Yes! Of course.”

Nurse: “So, you’re telling me that your daughter stepped into dog poop wearing shoes and socks, and she has no open wounds on her feet, and you are worried she has an infection?”

Mother: “Yes, of course, I’m worried.”

Nurse: “No offence, but this is an emergency room. It is very unlikely she got an infection, and since this is obviously a very low-priority case, you may be waiting here for up to six hours to see a doctor. I recommend you go home and make an appointment with your regular doctor in a couple of days’ time. If your daughter does take any severe turns, you can always bring her in or call an ambulance and she will be seen immediately.”

Mother: “Oh, no, you don’t! I want you to get my daughter to see a doctor as soon as you can!”

Nurse: “Very well. Please be aware that you could be waiting a very long time as we assign cases on a priority basis. Also please be aware that, whilst we make every effort to remove the risk of infection, this is a hospital and there is a chance that infected blood or bodily fluids may be present. Also be aware that, since this is a walk-in center, we do get a lot of homeless men and drug addicts coming in to get out of the rain.”

It is clear that the nurse is doing everything in her power to dissuade this mother from trying to see a doctor.

Mother: “Whatever. Those infections probably aren’t as bad as the ones you can get from dog poop.”

Nurse: “Actually, blood and bodily fluids might be contaminated with any number of infections, including HIV.”

Mother: “Oh, don’t be silly.”

The woman and her daughter moved on to the waiting room and were sat there for approximately four and a half hours. The woman was told by the doctor to do exactly what the nurse had advised and left looking overly smug.

Not Quite What They Meant By “Immaculate Conception”
Emergency Room, Health & Body, LGBTQ, Minnesota, USA | Healthy | August 26, 2020
I’ve been in the ER enough to know that there is no avoiding the “you’re a woman; you must be pregnant” song and dance, despite the multiple variables that stand in the way of me personally conceiving. I’ve started having fun with my answers.

Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Positive. Unless… babe, did your lack of penis knock me up again?”

Wife: “I’ve gotta stop doing that.”

On another occasion:

Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”

Me: “I’m on a few different birth controls, so I really hope not.”

Nurse: “What method of birth control do you use?”

Me: “An IUD and lesbianism. I really hope that second one still works.”

On one memorable occasion, the nurse replied, “Girl, me, too!”

Listen Well To This Painful Lesson!
Health & Body, Home, Missouri, Non-Dialogue, Stupid, USA | Healthy | August 25, 2020
Have you ever wondered why your doctor tells you not to shove things in your ears?

I know all of the conventional wisdom: no Q-tips, cotton balls, hairpins, etc. However, that doesn’t mean my ears don’t get occasionally itchy, and sometimes, you just have to scratch.

One night, I was lying in my bed, and I felt the irresistible urge to scratch an itch inside my ear. So, I did what any reasonable adult would do. I slid my pinkie in my ear, twisted it, and pulled it out, quick as you like.

It should be noted that I have notoriously tiny ears — ridiculously so — and that I’m used to feeling a little suction when I scratch my ear with my pinkie.

But this time was different.

This time, when my pinkie caught suction, it caught hard — so hard it created a vacuum inside my ear canal.

When my pinkie made it out of my ear, there was a loud POP and such pain that I immediately started to cry. It felt like someone had jabbed a screwdriver into my ear.

Within two hours, the pain had partially subsided, but my ear was hot and leaking clear pus. Sounds were muffled, and I couldn’t hear my own voice in my skull on that side of my head. So, I once more did what any reasonable adult would do and tried to sleep it off.

Fight the inevitable as I might, when I woke up the next morning, I knew I had to go to urgent care. The hearing loss had grown profound, my head was tilting to the left, and everything was muffled and uncomfortable.

The doctor looked in my ear for less than two seconds and gave me the bad news I’d been dreading, along with $500 in antibiotics. Healthcare in America is a b**** if you’re on a state-funded plan, and I was on vacation 2,000 miles outside the area my insurance would cover. Yay, America!

And that’s how I ruptured my eardrum by scratching an itch with my pinkie.

App-ly Your Brain To This Situation
Australia, Current Events, Medical Office, Patients, Stupid | Healthy | August 24, 2020
I’m a receptionist checking in a patient.

Me: “Okay. Have you been tested for [widespread illness] in the last two weeks?”

Patient: “I have the app.”

I patiently waited for an answer. The patient just stared at me.

Make Sure You Stretch First
Health & Body, Home, Pennsylvania, Spouses & Partners, USA | Healthy | August 23, 2020
I am old enough that I’ve gone through menopause. A few months ago, I had some bleeding, so my doctor wanted to do a biopsy. This was very uncomfortable, not because of the biopsy itself, but due to me having to be dilated. Having never had children, I’d never experienced the pain.

Today, I have a followup biopsy to make sure everything is still okay since the first one turned out okay.

I tell my husband that when I come home I’ll take one of my strong painkillers to help with the pain. The following exchange takes place.

Husband: “Why are you going to do that? They’re only taking a snip of tissue.”

Me: “It’s not the snip that hurts. It’s the dilation!”

The kicker is that he and his ex have two kids. It shouldn’t be a foreign concept to him!

But on the plus side, my mother-in-law who took me got me a pack of snack-size dark chocolate bars! That’s one of my favorite takeaways from “Harry Potter”: that chocolate makes everything better. And best of all, it’s scientifically proven.

This Patient Needs A Patience Refill
Jerk, Oregon, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | August 21, 2020
I’m at a drive-thru for my local pharmacy. There are two lanes: one for drop-off, one for pickup. I’m in the pickup lane when a lady pulls up to the drop-off lane. It’s currently Saturday afternoon.

Pharmacy Tech: “Good afternoon. Are you dropping off today?”

Lady: “Actually, I need to get a refill on a prescription. I’ve been unable to reach you guys by phone for a week and a half.”

Pharmacy Tech: “Okay, can I get your info?”

The information is passed and a minute or so passes.

Pharmacy Tech: “We do not have the prescription in stock, but we’ll have this filled for you by Monday afternoon.”

Lady: “I can’t wait that long! I need my prescription. Can you see if any other location has it?”

Pharmacy Tech: “Just a couple of minutes.”

A couple of minutes go by.

Pharmacy Tech: “The other pharmacies in this area also don’t have it; it’s not a common prescription. If you had called it in prior to now, we’d have it all ready for you.”

Lady: “This is unacceptable!”

Pharmacy Tech: “We didn’t know you needed a refill. We do have an automatic refill service.”

Lady: “I don’t like those automatic refill things.”

Pharmacy Tech: “If you needed the prescription today, you should have called it in a couple days ago, or you could have done it online.”

Lady: “I don’t have time for this. You should have my prescription ready. It’s not my fault I didn’t call for a refill.”

The lady speeds off.

An Honest Doctor Is A Good Thing
Doctor/Physician, Funny, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | August 19, 2020
I develop a hernia on vacation so I go to my urologist for help.

Me: “Is this a hernia?”

He has done other surgeries for me before.

He pokes it a few times — ouch! — and agrees.

Doctor: ”Yup, that’s a hernia. Good.”

Me: ”Why is this good?”

Doctor: ”Because I get paid more to fix this.”

He retired a few years ago. I miss that guy.

Have A Heart, Use Your Brain
Estonia, Hospital, Jerk, Patients, Stupid | Healthy | August 17, 2020
This story was told by my neighbour. She is waiting at the hospital for an appointment with an orthopaedist. Her number is called, but before she can stand up and go to the correct office, another woman quickly runs in before her. Puzzled, my neighbour goes to the receptionist.

Neighbour: “Excuse me, could you please help me? I have an appointment with [Doctor], but another lady ran in when my number was called. I have been waiting for that appointment and I would hate to miss it.”

Receptionist: “What? Please, come with me.”

She marches to the doctor’s office with my neighbour following her and opens the door to the office where the doctor is just starting with the woman who stormed in.

Receptionist: “Is your name Mrs. [Neighbour]? And was your number [number #1]?”

Woman: “No, my name is [Woman]. And my number is [number #2 ].”

Receptionist: *Looking puzzled* “[Number #2 ]? Isn’t that a number used in a different building? Cardiology?”

Woman: “Look, I found a parking spot closer to here and I’m in a hurry. Do I really have to go to a different building? Couldn’t this doctor look at me now?”

Orthopaedist: “Given that my office is not equipped for diagnosing heart issues, it would be useless. Please leave.”

Doctor Obvious Is Afoot
Current Events, Doctor/Physician, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, USA, Vancouver, Washington | Healthy | August 14, 2020
I’ve had severe pain in both of my feet on and off for two years. I’ve been diagnosed with tendonitis, mild tendon tears, plantar fasciitis, Morton’s neuroma, and arthritis. I’ve tried everything that two doctors have suggested, plus a few things I learned about doing my own research. I’ve also had an MRI.

I’m getting pretty desperate for relief. This means that I’m willing to see a doctor despite the rapidly spreading illness going around, even though I’m at extremely high risk for it.

At my most recent appointment, the doctor proudly announced that I had metatarsalgia. This was a fancy way of saying that the bones in my feet hurt. No kidding, doc! He recommended highly cushioned shoes — which is all I’d been able to wear for two years — and that’s it.

I’ll be seeking out yet another doctor for this.

They Might Be Coming On To Something…
Arizona, Current Events, Health & Body, Hospital, Phoenix, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | August 10, 2020
A bit of backstory for anyone reading old stories years from now: there’s a global health crisis going on, and a lot of people are acting like it’s either fake or no big deal. I’m waiting for an x-ray, and I overhear some medical workers talking.

Worker #1 : “Did you hear that [disease] causes a loss of ability to orgasm?”

Worker #2 : “No! Where did you hear that?”

Worker #1 : “My girlfriend and I made it up, but if we spread that around, maybe people would actually care.”

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Someone Else
England, Friends, Gym, Health & Body, Instant Karma, Jerk, Non-Dialogue, Sports, Sports Center, UK | Healthy | August 6, 2020
This took place about eight years ago. My younger brother and I join a group of guys for a game of indoor football — soccer — at our local sports centre every weekend. Everyone else is college age, seventeen or eighteen, while I am the eldest at twenty.

Things go by smoothly. One of the guys is a friend of ours, and there is a clear mix of ability so there is little in the way of unbalanced teams. Nonetheless, one of the guys is super competitive and continually body-checks others into the walls in order to tackle them. As the eldest in the group, I have de facto responsibility to ensure everyone’s health and safety, so I gently ask him at the end of the session to tone down his tackling, since he could seriously injure or be injured in doing so. As I feared, he simply brushes it off and says everything will be fine.

Cut to a few weeks later. My brother is unable to come with so it is just me this time. Everything goes fine until a harsh tackle from me on another guy causes me to roll my ankle, causing me to fall hard on my lower back. As play stops, the idiot I mentioned has the brilliant idea of grabbing me by the arms and ankles and carrying me away from the playing area!

While they carry on their game without a care in the world, I am lying there in agony. Between the now worsened ankle injury, they also jarred my lower back by unceremoniously dumping me on the floor. My friend stops playing and comes over to see if I’m okay. I immediately order him to get a member of staff, which he does. When the on-duty first aider — also the manager — arrives, the guys laugh and tell me to “stop acting like a p****,” to which my friend replies that this is serious.

An ambulance is called and my mother arrives after my friend used my phone to call her. About six hours later, I leave the local hospital on crutches with a severe high ankle sprain and strained lower lumbar muscles, and a metric crapload of various prescription painkillers. The following morning, my ankle has swelled to twice the size and looks the colour of a ripe blackberry. I take a photo for my university as proof — I commute to the uni and will be in no shape to get there for at least a week, maybe even two — and settle in to working out how to use my crutches effectively.

Six months later, I start training again to get my fitness back, and my brother and I go back to the football group. Naturally, they laugh that I took half a year off for “diving”…

…until I wordlessly walk up to the idiot in charge and show him the photo of my blackberry-coloured, inflated ankle. I stress my warning back to him from way before, and I swear I have never seen the colour fade so fast from someone seeing consequences of their actions.

Nowadays, my ankle is fully functional, if slightly more tender, while my lower back has developed into full-on sciatica. Still enjoy football, though!

Just Call Him Hal
Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Lazy/Unhelpful, New Hires, USA | Healthy | August 2, 2020
I’m a nurse on a busy med surge floor. Shift change has just occurred. My CNA calls me to let me know one of my patients’ blood pressure readings is high. I pull up the chart, check the newest results, and realize their drug test is positive for absolutely everything drug we test for and they also have a very high alcohol score. I go into the room to access my patient and as soon as I get in, I know they are starting to go through withdrawals.

I call the doctor immediately to get a drug and alcohol withdrawal medication bundle on. I end up getting a brand-new resident. I introduce myself and explain the issue.

Me: “…and I need a stat order on the drug and alcohol withdrawal med bundle. Thanks!”

Resident: “I’m new; I don’t know what that is.”

Me: “No problem.”

I list the meds I need, the dosages, frequency, etc.

Resident: “I can’t write those orders; those are controlled medications.”

Some of them are, but most are anti-nausea and anti-diarrhea meds.

Me: “You’re a doctor; you can write controlled meds. This is a standard medication bundle for this issue.”

Resident: “I don’t think I can write those.”

Me: “Is [Doctor] there? Can you put him on speaker, please?”

He does and I repeat the request.

Doctor: *To the resident* “Start typing what the nurse tells you.”

Resident: “But I can’t write those orders; they are controlled.”

Doctor: “I’m only going to tell you this once more. Put in all the orders the nice nurse tells you right now. We have a patient who is about to go into severe drug withdrawals. She is trying to avoid the massive projectile vomiting, diarrhea, and seizures that are about to happen. Nurse [My Name], how long do you think we have?”

Me: “Thirty minutes, maybe less. They are already starting to sweat and look a bit green around the gills.”

The new resident was still arguing with the doctor that he couldn’t write those orders. The doc got fed up with him and told him that from then on he was to write every effing order I told him. I got my orders.

A few days later, the new resident was on the floor. I went up to get a med order and he started again with the “I don’t think I’m allowed to write that.” I smiled and let him know that I was nurse [My Name], and that he might remember that the doctor in charge of him told him not to argue with me about med orders. I did have to show him how to put them on, but it got done.

The other nurses asked how I managed to get orders out of him because he’d been pulling the same garbage with all of them. The doctor ended up giving him blanket orders that he was to listen to the nurses, and if he really wasn’t sure to call him or the pharmacist, but he was not allowed to utter “I don’t think I can write that” ever again.

We are wondering if he’ll last through the end of the month.

Whatever She Saw, They Had It Comin’
Awesome, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | August 1, 2020
I’m usually pretty chatty with my doctors; I’ve learned that they have seen and heard much more shocking stories than mine since I live a pretty boring and standard life. Every time I get a new doctor, I’m sure to be honest and unashamed because they kind of need to know things like that.

I start rambling this point to a new doctor and point out how she’s probably dealt with more embarrassing things than someone being a virgin when asked about their sexual history.

She gives me a knowing look and then says, “I was an ER doctor in Chicago.”

Now I definitely know that there’s no scaring her!

We Need No Further Evidence Regarding Her Sanity
Bizarre, Jerk, New York, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | July 31, 2020
I work in a pharmacy and I get a call from an older customer.

Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “You gave me the wrong pills!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am; did the bag have your name on it?”

Customer: “It’s my name, but the wrong pills are in the bottle!”

Me: “It’s possible we refilled one of your other prescriptions on fi—”

Customer: “No! The wrong pills are in the bottle!”

Me: “All right, can I have the number on the bottle?”

Customer: “Oh, no, you don’t! I’m not giving that to you.”

Me: “All right, can I have your name, please?”

Customer: “No! I’m on to your tricks!”

Me: “Ma’am, I need to look up your file so I can figure out what the problem is.”

Customer: “No, you don’t! I know your sly ways. You’re just going to change my file so you can cover up your mistake!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t have that ability. I’d like to help give you the proper medication. Can you please tell me your name?”

Customer: “No! You’re going to change the names of the medications on my chart to hide your screwup!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, can you come back to the store so I can verify the wrong pills were given?”

Customer: “No! I’m holding onto this bottle! It’s evidence!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t change any ‘evidence,’ since you have a printed label on the bottle. Can you tell me the name of the medication?”

Customer: “No! Do you think I’m stupid? I’m not telling you anything!”

Me: *Sigh* “Okay, ma’am, if you won’t let me see your file or the pills, and you won’t bring it back, then what would you like me to do?”

Customer: “I want you to know that you’re a horrible pharmacy. And you are a terrible person!”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m trying to help—”

Customer: “No, you are an awful person! You don’t deserve to be in business, trying to poison me with the wrong pills!”

Me: “Well, can you describe them to me? Are they white? Oval?”

Customer: “I’m not telling! You are a bad person!”

Me: “Ma’am, I would really like to help you, if you could give me some informati—”

Customer: “No, you don’t! Shame on you for trying to kill me and then hiding the evidence!”

She hung up.

A Pathological Need To Be Cautious
Australia, Current Events, Health & Body, Medical Office, New South Wales | Healthy | July 30, 2020
I finally have an in-person appointment with a psychologist after having several phone appointments during the global health crisis. The secretary calls me the day before to do what is now the usual health check.

Secretary: “Hello, [My Name], is now a good time to ask you a few questions before your appointment tomorrow with [Psychologist]?”

Me: “Yes, absolutely.”

Secretary: “Oh, great. Have you had any coughs, fevers, sore throat, or body aches and pains?”

Me: “No, to the cough, fever, and sore throat, but the body aches and pains are common with my fibromyalgia.”

Secretary: “That should be fine. Have you been overseas or in Victoria in the last fourteen days?”

Me: “No.”

Secretary: “Okay, and have you been in contact with anyone who could have [spreading illness] recently?”

Me: “I work in a pathology lab.”

Secretary: “Oh. Um… I don’t know what to say to that.”

She laughs awkwardly.

Me: “I was tested a week ago and I was clear. But I also appreciate it if you don’t want me in the building; I can have a phone appointment again.”

Secretary: “Um, do you mind if I go and ask?”

Me: “Go for it. Just call me back. This isn’t the first time I have flustered people.”

Secretary: “Thank you for being so understanding! I will call you back soon.”

Me: “All good.”

They are going to let me in.

Did… Did It Work?
Bizarre, Current Events, Doctor/Physician, Malaysia, Religion, Silly | Healthy | March 14, 2021
This is a story my colleague told me about his uncle. His uncle is rather superstitious and believes in a lot of weird things. When he tests positive for a certain rapidly spreading illness, his first reaction is to go to a bomoh — Malaysian witch-doctor — for an exorcism. For various reasons, my colleague is stuck accompanying his uncle to the bomoh.

Bomoh: “Okay, I can exorcise you. Hold still, please.”

Uncle: “Okay.”

Bomoh: “Begone, evil spirits!”

He pulls out a toy laser gun and points it at [Uncle]’s head.

Bomoh: “All-laaah!”

Typing this out does not give it justice. The way my colleague repeated it, it sounded like a mix of singsong, bombastic, and high.

He pulls the trigger and the gun lights up.

Bomoh: “Fire, fire, fire! Pew, pew, pew! Fire, fire, fire!”

My colleague’s jaw drops, [Uncle]’s jaw drops, and they sit there, stunned.

Bomoh: “Not enough? Okay. Duaaal wieeld!”

He says that last bit the same way he said, “Allah!” previously.

He pulls out another toy gun and fires it at [Uncle].

My colleague didn’t tell me what happens next, but when the exorcism is over…

Uncle: “Uh, maybe we should go to the hospital.”

Colleague: “You think?”

Once he finished his quarantine, my colleague returned to work and told me all about it.

Colleague: “Like, the man was hip. I didn’t think that bomohs were so advanced these days.”

Me: “He sounded like he was high on something.”

Colleague: “Oh, he probably was. But that was just silly, man.”