Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio
FUNNY, PATIENTS, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 12, 2009
Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”
Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”
Customer: “What does that mean?”
Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”
Customer: “What’s my rectum?”
Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”
Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*
(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)
The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done
ALCOHOL, CALL CENTER, EMERGENCY SERVICES, GERMANY, HEALTH & BODY | HEALTHY RIGHT | MAY 6, 2009
(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)
Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”
Caller: “Oh, my god! Help me! Help me!”
Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt, and where you are?”
Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”
Me: “Your brain… stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”
Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh, my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”
(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)
Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your… brain stopped working.”
Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”
Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”
(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)
Caller: “Hey, dude…”
Me: “Yes?”
Caller: “Is she right?”
Me: “Who?”
Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”
Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”
Caller: “Oh, my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”
It’s Called Healthyitis
BIZARRE, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HEALTH & BODY, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | APRIL 16, 2009
Me: “Thank you for waiting. My name is [My Name]. What is your call regarding?”
Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”
Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”
Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”
Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”
Patient: “Actually, none.”
Me: “You are experiencing no symptoms?”
Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”
On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | JULY 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”
Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”
Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*
Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotics and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”
Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”
Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”
Pint-Sized Purification
FUNNY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MEDICAL OFFICE, MEDICATION, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | JUNE 17, 2009
Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”
Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”
Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”
Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”
Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”
Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”
Caller: “What kind of doctors don’t prescribe detox meds?!”
The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming
HEALTH & BODY, HOSPITAL, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | JUNE 8, 2009
Me: “Okay, sir, just a few X-rays and we’ll be done.”
Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”
Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an X-ray joke.”
Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”
Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”
Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”
Me: *gives up* “The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”
Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
HOSPITAL, PATIENTS, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 20, 2009
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)
Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”
Man: “But I’m only 50-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”
Me: “You smoke 30 cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”
Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”
Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”
A Red-Letter Day
FUNNY, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA, WORDPLAY | HEALTHY | JUNE 10, 2021
I work in medical reception. Recently, we had to reschedule some patients from one doctor, and we had a nurse practitioner available that day to take the patients that the doctor couldn’t. I was on the phone with a patient, who was very (understandably) upset because there were no other medical doctors with immediate openings to see them.
Patient: *Frustrated* “I don’t care if it’s an MD or a PhD; I just need to see a doctor!”
While this situation in itself was far from funny, I had a hard time keeping myself from laughter. A couple of days before, my English teacher had gone on quite a tangent about how he doesn’t like being called “Doctor,” because, obviously, having a PhD in English, he is not medically qualified.
Teacher: “If you’re sick, I’m probably going to just let you die.”
Personally, no matter how bad my medical condition was, I’d take that NP over that PhD any day.
This Clerk Will Have You Feeling Blue
EMPLOYEES, GERMANY, LIARS/SCAMMERS, MONEY, PHARMACY | HEALTHY | JUNE 7, 2021
I hurt my knee really badly when I am about fourteen, and I have to get a bandage to wear during the day so as to not put too much strain on it. I get a prescription and am told it will be free.
I go to the pharmacy with my father and go ahead so he can park the car. I show my prescription.
Clerk: “Yes, let me get you fitted, and then you’ll pay sixteen euro for your bandage.”
Me: *Surprised* “But I was told it would be free.”
Clerk: “No, this is sixteen euro, sorry.”
My father comes in and I tell him what the clerk said. The clerk speaks up again.
Clerk: “We also have one that is free, but it would be a bit different.”
I ended up getting the one for free, and you know what the difference was? It was grey instead of blue. I was supposed to pay sixteen euro to have a bandage of a different color. I only realised much later that the clerk was trying to take advantage of my inexperience as a fourteen-year-old and only caved when my father came. I am still shocked at the audacity, years later.
He Officially Wins At Excuses
CHICAGO, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, ILLINOIS, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 4, 2021
I graduated massage school in 1986 and promptly started working at a place in a very well-to-do town. We had acupuncture, chiropractic, and other modalities, as well as massage therapy.
I quickly developed a roster of regulars with standing weekly appointments. One particular fellow was my standing Tuesday 6:00 pm for years. He was always right on time, impeccably dressed, the model of a perfect executive. (Nice guy, too.)
But one Tuesday, [Regular] didn’t come in and didn’t call. With most people, I would have assumed they’d just flaked, but [Regular] had never flaked on anything in his life. I was concerned.
It turned out that [Regular] had gone in to have a lipoma removed — I knew he had it, of course — and during what should have been very minor surgery, his heart stopped. They had to resuscitate him.
He called the next day.
Regular: “Sorry I missed my appointment yesterday. I was dead.”
¡Que Embarazada!, Part 2
COLORADO, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 1, 2021
My friend has recently given birth to her daughter and is at the doctor’s office for the baby’s one-week checkup. She obviously hasn’t had her stomach “bounce” back yet. The nurse comes in and takes one look at her belly.
Nurse: “How are you already pregnant again! Didn’t you just give birth?!”
Since When Are Nurses Supposed To Care About Your Health?
HOSPITAL, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, NURSES, THE NETHERLANDS | HEALTHY | MAY 29, 2021
I’m with my baby at the emergency room.
Nurse: “Would you like anything to drink?”
Me: “Yes, please. I would like a hot chocolate.”
A bit later, the nurse returns with a large cup and hands it to me.
Nurse: “Here! I brought you a fresh strawberry mango smoothie. Much better than that sewer drink.”
Me: “Oh, uh, thank you, but no, thank you. I—”
Nurse: “Nonsense! This is good for you with lots of vitamins. The doctor will be here soon. Tataaa!”
Clearly, Babies Fix Everything!
BAD BEHAVIOR, BIGOTRY, FRANCE, THERAPIST | HEALTHY | MAY 26, 2021
My husband decides to see a therapist to talk mostly about work burnout and how to deal with it. After their first meeting, he comes home looking extremely upset.
Me: “Are you okay?”
Husband: “I am never seeing that whack job again!”
Me: “Yikes! That bad? What happened?”
Husband: “We were going over what my home life is like and I told him you’ve been dealing with depression for almost your whole life… and he told me to get you pregnant so that you would be too busy to worry about yourself!”
Quacktose Intolerant
BIZARRE, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, LIARS/SCAMMERS, MEDICAL OFFICE, UK | HEALTHY | MAY 24, 2021
When I am a teenager, I have pain in my abdomen. After six months of running around different departments, it is established that I could be lactose intolerant.
Doctor: “I suggest you visit a dietitian to make sure everything goes okay as you cut milk out of your diet. Try [Dietitian] right here in the hospital.”
My mother and I agree. Red flags should have been apparent from the beginning.
We call to make the appointment.
Dietitian: “Do you want to be seen at the hospital or at my house? There are more options if I see you in my home.”
After verifying with our health insurance that they will accept this appointment and pay, my mother agrees to the appointment for me.
Dietitian: “Please bring along the pain meds that you have been taking and the soy milk you have replaced the regular milk with.”
On the day of the appointment, we sit down in what appears to be the dietitian’s living room. The dietitian gestures to something on the table.
Dietitian: “This is the Asyra machine which will measure your bioenergy field to establish what you can and can’t tolerate in your diet.”
I am doing my A-levels at this point with the hope of going to study veterinary medicine, and this sounds like nonsense to me, but being British and too polite to stop her, I allow her to carry on. She gets me to hold these electrodes which, apparently, is all I need to do.
My mother helpfully intervenes.
Mother: “But they are not plugged in.”
Confidence going down by the second, I do as asked and the machine starts to generate a wiggly line. As we go on, the dietitian starts going on about how, “The machine thinks this,” or, “The machine knows that,” making it seem that this machine is alive. Eyebrows continue to rise.
Her analysis says that I should be fine with milk but I should really avoid eggs and onions, which I know is complete rubbish as I have been on an exclusion diet for a couple of months and recently reintroduced eggs and onions into my diet with no issues at all.
Dietitian: “Can I test the milk and pills you brought along so I can see if they’re good for you?”
She first decides to test the soy milk, which is in a carton containing plastic which, as many primary school pupils will tell you, does not conduct electricity. She places the carton on top of a metal plate and runs the machine. She is horrified by the result.
Dietitian: “You should stop drinking this immediately; it is terrible for your system!”
Me: *Politely* “I’ve been drinking this milk for about three months and I have been feeling much better since then.”
She frowns for a second, trying to reconcile this.
Dietitian: “Well, the machine is calibrated to American soy milk, so maybe you can drink British soy milk without issues. Try to avoid it if you are in the States.”
“WTF?!” does not cover our thoughts at this point.
She moves onto my pain meds. I have two I am using and I have them in the same box for convenience. Again, the woman takes the box and plonks it on the plate.
Mother: “There are two in the box.”
She regrets saying this immediately. The dietitian sorts between the two and repeats the process. According to the machine, one is good and one won’t work for me. I do seem to be becoming slightly immune to one, so this seems correct, but she got them the wrong way around.
Now comes the sales pitch: apparently, the machine is telling her that my gut pH is too low and this needs to be rectified with probiotics. Normally, the bottle for a month would cost £200, but she is willing to give me a sample bottle for free. We accept without arguing, for simplicity.
Dietitian: “Do you have any questions?”
Me: “I’m really missing chocolate. When can I add that back into my diet?”
Dietitian: “You will have no issues with chocolate and can start eating it immediately.”
This is completely at odds with my exclusion diet. Basically, if I add more than one thing a week, I have to wait two weeks for any symptoms to clear before starting to add things again, possibly from scratch. Not going to happen.
We leave and I think there are two seconds of silence in the car before my mum and I burst out laughing.
Sometime later, we receive the report. Nowhere does it mention milk. In the meantime, I have taken a lactose tolerant test and it turns out I am about as intolerant as it is possible to be. Another highlight of the report is that radon gas — that radioactive gas that causes neighborhood evacuations when leaks are detected — is better for me than… carrots.
We turn to the hospital and complain about this woman and her quackery. However, they won’t do anything as the appointment occurred outside the hospital and they are not responsible, even though their doctor recommended her and she is an employee of the hospital. We also have a two-month battle with the insurance for them to pay her, even though they said they would before we went.
As a final note, we looked up this Asyra machine online. It turns out that in the US (and the UK), it is only licensed to measure skin resistance, and if it is used to measure anything else in the US, you can sue the doctor.
It was all a complete and utter waste of time, but it gave me a good story.
I Am Also Allergic To Inept Nurses
ARIZONA, BAD BEHAVIOR, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 22, 2021
I have an allergy to the preservative in most vaccines and have a heart condition that makes the use of an epi-pen unsafe without direct medical observation afterward. Therefore, I’m unable to be vaccinated without being hospitalized to monitor my heart for up to a week after. Because of this, I do not get the flu vaccine ever.
I’m at the six-week follow-up after giving birth.
Nurse: “Will we be getting the flu shot today, as well?”
Me: “No, I don’t get vaccinations for medical reasons.”
Nurse: “But don’t you want to protect your baby? You know if you don’t get it he’ll have to get one.”
Me: “No. As I already said, I am not interested in the flu shot for medical reasons, and his pediatrician is fine with him not getting it, either, since everyone else he will be exposed to, other than me, will have their flu shot.”
Nurse: “Just because you’re afraid of needles, it doesn’t mean you can’t get it. They have a nose spray now, you know.”
The nurse continues to try to convince me to get the shot for another ten minutes by guilt-tripping me about endangering my baby and being a bad person for not getting it for “frivolous” reasons. Then, my OB comes in and shoos her away. After speaking with her, she sends the nurse back in to give me a birth control shot and a shot of an antihistamine just in case I have an allergic reaction to the preservative in the birth control. I turn around and pull my pants down for the shot and feel two sticks, only to hear:
Nurse: “See? That wasn’t so bad! You got your birth control and the flu shot in one go!”
Me: “DID YOU EVEN READ MY CHART?! I’M ALLERGIC TO THE PRESERVATIVE IN THE FLU SHOT! IT COULD KILL ME!”
The nurse didn’t even look like she cared. She just walked out, leaving me sobbing and trying to stay calm so I could get an epi shot before I stopped being able to breathe.
Thankfully, my OB was able to give me an epi shot within a few minutes of the flu shot, but I still spent a week in the hospital afterward. The good news is that the nurse lost her licenses and faced criminal charges.
Ain’t That A Karmic Kick In The Head
BOSSES & OWNERS, CURRENT EVENTS, HEALTH & BODY, INSTANT KARMA, RETAIL, SEATTLE, USA, WASHINGTON | HEALTHY | MAY 21, 2021
I get migraines an average of two weeks a month. My manager has never experienced a migraine and thinks of them as simple headaches; she frequently talks down to me as though they are nothing. Our store has glaring white light that is arguably brighter than the outside sun, which does not help at all.
My manager recently came down with a certain contagious illness and became very sick; she was gone for about two months. Upon her return, she was now getting chronic migraines much like mine.
Before long, my manager posted a public apology on social media and sent me a personal one for talking like migraines are nothing. I’m sorry she is getting them now as they are torture, but I’m glad she now understands and won’t make the “it’s nothing” argument again to anyone out there who gets them.
What The Oak Leaf Wants, The Oak Leaf Gets
HOSPITAL, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MILITARY, REDDIT | HEALTHY | CREDIT: THEARTICULATEGRUNT | MAY 19, 2021
I am a Captain and have been assigned as chief of security for an Army hospital. I am in my office when a Lieutenant Colonel comes in.
Lieutenant Colonel: “Hey there, Captain. I need you to take care of an issue for me.”
Me: “Of course, sir. If it is within my area and power, I’ll see what I can do.”
Lieutenant Colonel: “Well, the general’s driver’s wife is in the maternity ward having just had her baby and she has a problematic roommate — always closing the curtain and blocking her line of sight to the window and messing with the tv. I need this woman moved to another room.”
Me: “Umm, that’s definitely outside my area of control, sir. I don’t oversee or control anything with patients unless it is an issue of security, safety or—”
Lieutenant Colonel: “Yes, yes, I know, but you know everyone, and the doctors and nurses will listen to you more than me. You are one of them now and they rely on you.”
Me: “Sir, really—”
Lieutenant Colonel: “I know, I know, no promises. This would really make the general happy, though. His driver is like a second son to him, so I would really owe you. It’s room number [number]. Just give it your best for a fellow infantryman, okay?”
I breathe deep and pause for a moment.
Me: “What room number again, sir?”
Lieutenant Colonel: *Smiling* “[Number].”
Me: “Roger, sir. I’ll look into it and do my best. I’ve got a couple of favors I might be able to use.”
Lieutenant Colonel: “Outstanding! Thanks.”
And he leaves. So, up I go to maternity to find the head nurse. She is not pleased as, apparently, the Lieutenant Colonel had been here earlier trying to sling his weight around and came to find me when it had no effect. I point out the room, though, and she smiles. We both chuckle a little bit.
Me: “So, can you help me out with making this all be good? Please.”
The head nurse gives me a big friendly smile.
Head Nurse: “Well, the corner room is open. We could move the bothersome lady in there, though she will likely have a new roommate later today. Then again, once the bed is clean and reset, we will likely be putting another lady in with the driver’s wife, too. Matter of fact…”
She pauses, looking over files.
Head Nurse: “It will probably be [Patient] having her fourth kid. She was likely to be going in the corner room, but with the move, she would have to go in with the driver’s wife.”
Me: “Well, if that’s how it has to be. As long as we can accommodate the Lieutenant Colonel’s request.”
Head Nurse: “Okay, but you are helping move the lady out of the room.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am, of course.”
The lady who had been causing SUCH disturbances for the driver’s wife was quite calm and gave no issues with the move nor even asked any questions. I called the Lieutenant Colonel once it was done and made sure to tell him I had no concrete knowledge if or when a new roommate might be moved into the room but that the staff was really not happy with the move and extra work. He thanked me and I never heard anything of it again.
The entertaining part of the whole thing? The bothersome lady who got the room with the better view — the woman who kept closing the curtain for some privacy and turning down the loud crap the driver’s wife kept putting on the TV — was my wife, who had just had our first kid.
Make It Up To Her Or Face Her Withering Stare
GOLDEN YEARS, GRANDPARENTS, NURSES, NURSING HOME, PATIENTS, THE NETHERLANDS | HEALTHY | MAY 17, 2021
My grandmother always liked to look nice; she liked to regularly get her hair and nails done and preferred to spend a little extra on stylish clothes. She also almost always wore makeup — just a little colour to liven up her face a bit. She still did this when she was past ninety and had to move to a nursing home.
The move was not caused by diminishing mental faculties — she remained sharp as a tack until the day she died — but she had become wheelchair-bound after a nasty fall and her physical health had already been deteriorating. The home she moved into was very nice, but apparently, some of the staff were not used to elderly ladies paying as much attention to their looks as my grandmother did.
I was visiting Grandma when a young nurse came in to help her with her eyedrops. Her face took on a look of pure astonishment.
Nurse: “Why, Mrs. [Grandma], are you really wearing lipstick?”
Grandma must have been rather irritated at the tone and the apparent implication that elderly women wearing lipstick is something to marvel at, because her reply was rather indignant.
Grandma: “Yes, I am. I might be old, but I’m not withered!”
After the flustered nurse left, I nearly rolled off the couch with laughter. “I might be old, but I’m not withered” has since become a family favourite; whenever an older relative gets a comment along the lines of “Looking good for your age,” they fire off Grandma’s response. Everyone in the know then immediately bursts into laughter and starts reminiscing about dear Grandma.
CAT Scans In The Twilight Zone
BIZARRE, BOULDER, COLORADO, EMPLOYEES, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 15, 2021
I arrive early for my CAT scan and sit in the waiting room. [Tech #1 ] comes out of the back.
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