Food for the body and soul

Should Have Been A Better Pupil
Canada, Medical Office, Saskatchewan | Healthy | January 6, 2018
(I’m in high school, having dinner with my first girlfriend and her family, when her mom leans over to me.)

Girlfriend’s Mom: “Did you know your pupils are different sizes?”

Me: “…no?”

Mom: “Have you been in an accident? Hit your head recently? This is really serious!”

Me: *starting to get freaked out* “N-no, nothing like that!”

Mom: “You NEED to get this checked out! You might have a brain tumour!”

(I go home and tell my mom, who makes me an ophthalmologist appointment, but the soonest I can get in is in a month. I spend that month terrified I have cancer. Finally my appointment arrives, and they run a barrage of tests on my eyes.)

Doctor: *casually* “You know; I’m still going to dilate your pupils just to make sure; about 25% of people’s pupils are just naturally different sizes.”

(I’m glad everyone was concerned and thorough, but they couldn’t have told me that earlier? More than ten years on, my pupils are still different sizes.)

There Will Be Blood
Blood Donation, USA | Healthy | January 5, 2018
(I’m donating blood, and the donor phlebotomist is an absolute klutz. We’re in a donor bus (like a camper that they park at places to have mobile donor drives) and she keeps on knocking into other phlebotomists, dropping things. She has just finished freaking out that she started another donor at just the wrong time, and she’ll have to start his and stop mine at the same time. She comes over to take out my needle, bumbles for a bit, and then pulls it out, leaving a trail of blood down my arm. I’m trained in phlebotomy, so I know that she just has angled the needle down and it’s dripping, and I’m not freaked out by it. But this is her response.)

Phlebotomist: “Oh, whoopsie!” *yells* “CLEAN UP ON AISLE FOUR!”

(She then wiped it up, and continued to bumble around like nothing happened, while the rest of the bus stared at us.)

Will Need Therapy About Your Gene Therapy
Family & Kids, Medical Office, Ohio, USA | Healthy | January 5, 2018
(For a few years now, several doctors have suspected that I have some form of an autoimmune disease, as I’ve had problems with excessive bleeding and joint pains most of my life. I’ve just been to a specialist, who, based on the limited information I had about my family’s medical history, concluded that the odds of me having a genetic disease are limited. I’m at my GP’s office, with a list from my mother. My mother and I have the same GP, and I’ve been seeing her my whole life.)

GP: “I know you mother has [Condition #1 ], and you’re saying her sister has it as well?”

Me: “Yes, and another one of her sisters has [Condition #2 ]. Then I have a cousin with [more severe Condition #1 ], and another cousin with [more severe Condition #2 ]. My grandmother had [Condition #3 ], which her mother died of.”

GP: “Luckily, no one dies from [Condition #3 ] today. Is your grandmother still alive?”

Me: “No, but she died of old age and stubbornness.”

GP: *chuckling* “Right. And this is all on your mother’s side?”

Me: “Yes.”

GP: *reading through the list again* “Well, I’ll send the information to [Specialist] and we’ll see if that’ll change her diagnosis.” *somewhat jokingly* “Let’s hope you get most of your genes from your father’s side.”

Me: “Really? Because Dad has epilepsy, his sister had breast cancer, they both have diabetes, and Grandpa thinks he’s back in the 1950s.”

Too Busy For An Active Lifestyle
Call Center, Insurance, Lazy/Unhelpful, USA | Healthy | January 5, 2018
(I work at a call center for medical insurance.)

Me: “Do you have income from work?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “In the next 12 months do you expect any income changes?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Did you leave a job in the last 30 days?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “How do you support your household?”

Customer: “Family supports me.”

Me: “Do you go to school?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have time for that.”

(Talk about motivation.)

This Joke Is Out For Blood
Hospital, Italy | Healthy | January 4, 2018
(I’m receiving a dose of chemo treatment, which in this hospital means sitting at desks in a room with several other patients. Probably as a result of their job risk assessment, the nurses are all wearing funny-looking, disposable filter masks, which is a novelty and a noticeable one.)

Patient: “Nurse, why are you wearing those masks today?”

Nurse: “It’s a safety measure, so we don’t accidentally breathe the chemotherapy drugs.”

Patient: “Then why aren’t we given masks as well?”

Nurse: “Because they wouldn’t do much of a difference, since you’re getting the drugs straight into your bloodstream anyway?”

(Despite the usually sombre atmosphere in the room, there was some chuckling.)

College Grades Go From A To E To STD
College & University, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | January 4, 2018
(Regrettably, our local university is the main reason that county STD rates are the second-highest in the state (the highest-ranking county is home to a naval base). Outbreaks are common and rather a grim joke with local healthcare providers. The county has purchased a new emergency radio system and one of their officers has arrived to train our staff on how to use the equipment.)

Instructor: “The great thing about this system is that it is linked to over two hundred towers, state-wide. This means that if you need to, you can communicate not only throughout the county, but with other jurisdictions as well. For example; let’s say you have to set up some kind of emergency clinic at the University for… I don’t know, what’s an epidemic that the students might experience there?”

Me: *without thinking* “Probably chlamydia.”

(My boss shushed me, but our director of nursing almost fell off her chair from laughing so hard.)

Who Prescribed Some Madness?
England, Pharmacy, UK | Healthy | January 4, 2018
(We have a new member of staff at the pharmacy and we’ve got a number of regulars who come in to get their weekly medications, often quite a few items. This employee somehow gets it into her head that anyone with a weekly prescription is a drug abuser. One of our regulars is on a lot of different pain medications.)

Regular: “Good morning! I’m here to pick up my prescriptions. My name is [Regular].”

(The new staff member goes out to the back of the store and comes back out a few minutes later.)

New Staff: “No, there isn’t anything.”

Regular: “I pick this up every week, and I know I have at least three months’ worth of repeats for all these from the doctor.”

New Staff: “No. No, we have nothing.”

Regular: *spotting our pharmacist who knows her very well* “Hi, [Pharmacist]! Got my weekly meds?”

Pharmacist: “Oh, yeah. I did them yesterday—”

New Staff: “No! No, you didn’t. We have nothing!” *to Regular* “You need to leave; we have nothing for you!”

Pharmacist: “Don’t be daft. I’ll go fetch them.” *heads to the back and comes out with a large bag* “Can I just check your address and date of birth?”

Regular: *gives details*

Pharmacist: “Yup, here you go. See you next week!”

New Staff: “I told her we had nothing! Why did you make me look like a liar?!”

Pharmacist: “Because you were lying? [Regular] comes in every week and I always have her meds done.”

New Staff: “I saw what she’s on. She’s a f****** druggie. You shouldn’t enable these people.”

Regular: “I beg your pardon?”

Pharmacist: “Okay, we do not treat customers like that. Whatever personal views you have on certain medications, you leave those views at home.”

New Staff: “She’s a druggie. Why would anyone else need [strong pain medication]?”

Regular: “Because half my lower spine was smashed in an accident and I live in constant, agonising pain?”

New Staff: “Shut up, druggie.”

Pharmacist: “Right. That’s it. Go home.”

(She was fired that day, and officially cautioned by the police when for two weeks afterward she kept hanging around the pharmacy entrance waiting for our regular customer so she could yell at them some more. We know this because she told EVERY other customer entering our store. Luckily, our regular has a good sense of humour and just laughed off the whole episode.)

This Diagnosis Is Heading For A Fall
Colorado, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | January 3, 2018
(I am a below-the-knee amputee and have to visit my doctors quite frequently, so it gets a little funny when they ask their questions.)

Nurse: “Do you have a fear of falling?”

Me: *looks at her, looks at missing leg* “Um, yes.”

Nurse: “Do you have trouble walking?”

Me: “Um… That would also be a yes.”

(Somehow it never occurs to them that I am missing my leg, yet the information is right in front of them.)

Should Give Them Paws For Thought
Massachusetts, USA, Vet | Healthy | January 3, 2018
(I work at the front desk of a veterinary hospital. The Saturday right before Thanksgiving, a man approaches me.)

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need new food for my cat.” *he hands me an old prescription diet card that looks to have expired months ago*

Me: “Okay. Are you a client of ours or do you have an outside vet?”

Customer: “Outside vet.”

Me: “Did you bring a note from your vet to renew the prescription?”

Customer: “No, I didn’t.”

Me: *after a second, I look up his pet in our system* “Well, we have their phone number on file. Let me just give them a ring and confirm.”

(After a minute or so, I get a message saying that the other hospital is closed for the day.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t renew this prescription without authorization from your vet.”

Customer: *visibly annoyed* “You seriously can’t help me with this?”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Customer: “I guess my cat will just have to starve then.”

Me: “I guess. Or you could feed it regular food.”

At A Hair-Loss For Words
Finland, Health & Body, Pharmacy | Healthy | January 3, 2018
(The men in my family tend to start suffering from hair loss in their mid-20s, and mine seems to have started, so I go to a nearby pharmacy to buy certain shampoo recommended by my stepfather. Note that I have grown my hair for a few years and it’s currently some 18 to 20 inches long.)

Employee: “Hello, can I help you with anything?”

Me: “Yes, I was looking for certain shampoo but don’t remember the name of the product.”

Employee: “What kind of shampoo? For dry hair, or–”

Me: “For hair loss.”

Employee: *goes silent and stares at my long hair, then grabs a bottle off a shelf* “Well, we have this one.”

Me: “That’s the product; thank you!”

(I only realized what had happened after I got back home.)

Students Learning A Hard Lesson In Patients
Canada, Hospital, New Brunswick | Healthy | January 2, 2018
(I am a student nurse doing a placement in a teaching hospital. As it is a teaching hospital, patients are told that they may have a student and an RN caring for them at some point in their stay, and usually they are okay with that as they get more attention. I go in to introduce myself at the start of my shift.)

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name] and I am a student nurse with [University]. I am working with [RN] today, so you’ll see us both in and out of your room tonight. Is there anything I can get you?”

Patient: “You’re a student? That means you don’t know what you’re doing! You’re going to mess something up and I’m going to die!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that I do know what I am doing; this is my fifth week on this unit and I have completed four other placements in different areas of the hospital already. I also have my instructor and [RN] to assist me if I am unsure of something.”

Patient: “Get me [RN]! I don’t want a student! Get out of my room before you kill me!”

(I went to find my instructor and explained the situation, and after speaking with the RN I was assigned a new patient. I later heard from another nurse on the floor that the first patient told the nurse that she was taking too long to get her a glass of water, and said they really needed to get the students to help out more!)

Dancing Around The Subject
Clinic, USA | Healthy | January 2, 2018
(Our county health department is holding a special flu vaccination clinic at a local senior center. There are a number of other activities going on in different parts of the building, so I’m staffing the desk, checking in clients and giving directions. A very small, fragile-looking but smartly dressed gentleman walks in, leaning on a cane. He appears to be ninety if he’s a day.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir; are you here for the flu clinic?”

Gentleman: “No, I’m here for the square dancing class!”

Making You Pregnant With Sarcasm
Hospital, Sarcasm, USA | Healthy | January 2, 2018
(For a quite number of days now, I’ve had terrible stomach pains with a fluctuating appetite. I go to the doctor. I’m a virgin.)

Doctor: *after hearing me talk about my stomach problems* “So, it says here on your sheet that you’re not pregnant.”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?”

Me: “No.”

(He makes a face at this. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an idiot who can’t accept the fact I could be pregnant. Later on after he runs some tests.)

Doctor: “Well, you’re not pregnant.”

Me: *thinking* “No s***, Sherlock.”

You’re In Deep Heat Now
Medical Office, Time, UK | Healthy | January 1, 2018
(A woman waddles into the building.)

Woman: “I need to see a doctor.”

Me: “Do you have an appointment?”

Woman: “No, I need to see one now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, emergency appointments ended at 11. I can make you an appointment, however, for next week?”

Woman: “NO! IT HAS TO BE NOW!”

Me: “If it’s an emergency you need to go to A&E. Should i call an ambulance?”

Woman: *jumping on the desk* “I RUBBED ‘DEEP HEAT’ ON MY GARDEN PATCH. IT F****** KILLS!”

Me: “Oh, umm. Like I said, if it’s an emergency, you need to go to A&E.”

(She huffed and waddled out, screaming about how incompetent we all were. I haven’t seen her personally since, but a letter came through from the local hospital for her, with a prescription for something which treats chemical burns. I’m fairly certain Deep Heat wasn’t involved in whatever she was doing.

Might Need Brain Surgery, Too
Medical Office, USA | Healthy | January 1, 2018
(My mid-60s father was recently goofing off and pulled a stunt where he rode a luggage cart down a hill and wiped out hard. The injuries are mostly scrapes and bruises but he also has a small break in his wrist. There is lots of back-and-forth over whether he needs to do a re-aligning surgery. He is in the doctor’s office consulting with the surgeon, who he said was barely 30.)

Doctor: “So how did this happen?”

Dad: “You want the real story or a version that makes me look better?”

Doctor: “…how about the real version?”

Dad: *recounts story*

Doctor: “I see. Well, to be honest with you, we don’t like to do these kinds of surgeries on patients over the age of 60 because [reasons].”

Dad: “Well, yes, I’m over that age, but if you’ll recall the story, I was clearly thinking like a 16-year-old.”

Doctor: “That’s a good point. We’ll schedule the surgery for tomorrow morning.”

Flipping Out Over This
California, Hospital, Los Angeles, USA | Healthy | January 1, 2018
(I accidentally remove most of the tip of my middle finger with a gardening tool and am getting fixed up in the ER.)

Nurse: “There you go. Would you like me to tape your middle finger to the one next to it?”

Me: “Um, no. Why would you?”

Nurse: “Well, sometimes with a injury to the middle finger people ask us to tape an adjacent finger too so that they don’t inadvertently flip other people off.”

Me: “Are you kidding? This is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for!”

Acerbic Allergic
Alberta, Canada, Medical Office | Healthy | December 31, 2017
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I am 15. In my family, most of the women on my mom’s side have a condition called Restless Leg Syndrome, which is a brutally frustrating tic where your muscles in your thigh and calf feel like they are in spasm, like a small electric shock. It comes randomly, and nothing seems to help it stop once an episode starts; you just have to ride it out. I’ve been dealing with this myself since I was a kid. What my mom thought were growing pains turned out to be RLS. I’ve been referred to a specialist to see what my options are. Part of the process is conducting a nerve path function test. I have small needles pointed into the tips of my fingers, with electrical simulation higher up my arms to track if the signal is flowing properly. The test is uncomfortable to say the least.)

Specialist: “The results seem to be okay for your arms, which is a good indication that your legs would reveal the same.”

Me: “No short circuit, then? Bonus!”

(I am trying to lighten the mood as my mom is stressed at seeing me in such discomfort, and I am trying to take my mind off of it as well.)

Specialist: *stares blankly at me* “Your RLS is likely caused by poor diet and lack of exercise and in many cases, alcohol.”

Me: “Well, geeze, Mom, if you had just laid off the whiskey at bedtime, we wouldn’t be here now!”

Specialist: *blank stare* “In the event we have to do a minor surgery to explore nerve function, is there anything you’re allergic to in terms of medication?”

Me: “Penicillin.”

Specialist: “And what happens when you take it?”

Me: “I get a terrible rash over my stomach and chest and become very sick to my stomach.”

Specialist: “So you’re not allergic to it.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Specialist: “You’re not allergic to it. You wouldn’t die if it was given to you.”

Me: “Well, no, I guess not but—”

Specialist: “That’s an intolerance. You shouldn’t say you are allergic to penicillin. What if it was required to save your life from an infection?”

Mom: “Well, there are plenty of alternatives out there, I think it’s a semi-common allergy? She’s had to have antibiotics for various infections, and they always seem to find something else.”

Specialist: *to my mom* “Do you have allergies?”

Mom: “Yes, I’m allergic to strawberries.”

Specialist: “And what happens if you eat them?”

Mom: “Well I go into anaphylactic shock very fast.”

Specialist: “THAT, is an allergy. I’m not writing on your chart that you’re allergic to penicillin. See the front reception to re-book when you’re ready.”

(He promptly leaves, with my mom and I sitting in stunned silence. I suppose he was right — I wouldn’t die if I was given penicillin in an emergency, but the marvel’s of modern medicine mean I don’t have to when there are so many alternatives. I am careful to tell other doctors now, that it’s not a life threatening allergy, but to avoid it if possible!)

It Takes More Than Money To Clear A Bill, Part 2
Insurance, Nebraska, Non-Dialogue, Omaha, USA | Healthy | December 30, 2017
Several years ago, I started to receive bills at my home in Nebraska, from an insurance agency on a policy that I no longer had, denying payment for psychiatric care/services. When I got the first bill, I called the number listed for the practice — in North Carolina. It turns out that they had a patient with the same name, down to the middle initial, and the same birthday. The doctor’s office agreed that I was not their patient, but said that it was up to the insurance carrier to sort out.

Three weeks after I contacted the insurance company letting them know I was not the right person, I got a letter in the mail telling me that according to their records, I *was* the right person, and could I please pay the bill. So I contacted them again. I was assured that it would be straightened out.

Sure enough, I got another letter in the mail from the insurance company telling me that their “investigation” is complete, and that I am the “right” person after all, in spite of living half-way across the country.

This back and forth with the insurance company went on for SIX MONTHS, each time the insurance people coming back telling me that I had made these appointments for psychiatric care, and increasingly nasty demands for payment.

Finally, I contacted a college buddy who was a lawyer for [Insurance Company], where upon he taught me the magic words: Violation of HIPAA.

Finally after nearly seven months, the magic words did the trick. I later found out that the insurance billing department was looking up patient information by name and birth date instead of social security number, and that my name was apparently the first one listed, in spite of the fact that my policy had been cancelled over four years prior due to a job change.

It Takes More Than Money To Clear A Bill
Columbia, Medical Office, South Carolina, USA | Healthy | December 1, 2017
(I get about a $3,000 bill from a doctor I had seen several months prior. I am confused because I know my insurance had paid it. I call the billing dept. but get no answer and leave a message. I forget about it until the next month when the bill comes again. Once again, I call, leave a message, and forget about it. Then I get a letter threatening to send me to a collection agency. I call my insurance company to double check. They tell me that not only have they paid it, but had a duplicate charge under a different account number that was of course denied. I start calling every other day. The office phones aren’t open until 10 am and they shut them down at 3:30 pm. I either get a recording and leave a message or the receptionist tells me everyone is in a meeting. This goes on for over three weeks. Then I get another threatening letter. I even go to the office in person but am told everyone is in a meeting and no one can talk to me. At this point I have had it. I wait until 10 pm at night. I call and get the voicemail system. When it says press “1” for nurse, I do so and leave a detailed, angry message that NO ONE will return my calls, I am being threatened with being sent to a collection agency for a bill that was paid, and someone better call me back or I am filing fraud charges with the insurance company and talking to a lawyer. I hang up and call back and do it again after pressing a number for a different department. I go through the entire employee directory. I do this for almost two hours and leave dozens of messages on EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE’S voicemail. I then call the doctor’s emergency after-hours line and leave the same message there. The next morning, at 10:01, I call the office. The receptionist recognizes my voice.)

Receptionist: “Yes, ma’am, I have the office manager here for you” *transfers me*

Manager: “Good morning, Mrs. [My Name]. I was just about to call you.”

Me: “Yeah, I bet you were.”

Manager: *sheepishly* “Yeah, everyone is talking about the messages you left, especially the doctor.”

Me: “Well, it’s not like you left me much choice.”

(She apologizes and explains. The guy who was handling the bills was creating fake patient accounts and double billing the insurance companies. Most didn’t catch it, paid the doctor, and then the guy stole the money. They fired him but have such a paperwork mess to clean up and had to gather the evidence to convict him that they didn’t have time to call the patients.)

Me: “I understand, but that is no excuse. You are sending me letters threatening to send me to a collection agency.”

Manager: “What?! Crap, the computers are printing those out automatically. We didn’t know any had been mailed out.”

Me: “Yeah, well they are and you better start answering these calls because you have some very peeved off patients who, like me, are calling lawyers.”

(She apologized again and told me that my account had been cleared up. I wonder, though, about all the others who just kept calling and getting nowhere.)

The Solution Is As Clear As Glass
England, Manchester, Optometrist/Optician, UK | Healthy | December 29, 2017
(I need to get new spectacles, so I get assessed. During the sight test, the optometrist notices I have the start of macular degeneration in one eye, tells me it isn’t serious at the moment, but warns me to watch out for lines appearing wavy when they should be straight. She gives me a leaflet to put on my fridge door, so that I’ll look at it several times a day and be aware of the need to check. She also instructs me to come straight back for another test if anything changes. This all freaks me out a bit because I’ve never heard of macular degeneration, so I dutifully put the leaflet on my fridge door and inspect that thing every time I go in the fridge, for about a month. I start noticing the sight in my left eye is quite blurry. So, off I trot back to the optometrist. I explain everything to the receptionist, then the optometrist, a different one to my first visit. He sight-checks me then leaves the room for a few minutes. He comes back in and asks if I mind him checking again. I don’t mind, but by now I’m sweating and my imagination’s working overtime. He does the same tests and asks me to explain again what the problem is.)

Me: “Look. I cover up my right eye…” *demonstrates* “… and you’re blurry. I cover up my left eye instead…” *demonstrates* “… and you’re not blurry.”

Optometrist: “Well, Mrs [My Name], both sight tests we’ve conducted today show no changes to the other test we did recently.”

Me: “Seriously? But I’ve definitely got strange vision in my left eye? How is that, if the test results are the same? Look, doctor, if it’s psychosomatic, tell me. If you think I’m dreaming it up because I’m so worried about losing my sight and I need a psychiatrist, just tell me straight. I really can handle it.”

(By this time, I’m near tears. I don’t know whether I’m losing my sight or my marbles.)

Optometrist: “Show me again.”

(Demonstrates covering up the eyes, etc.)

Optometrist: “I… might be a bit off course here but… did we provide your glasses?”

Me: “Of course, yes.”

Optometrist: “It looks like the common denominator is your glasses. Let’s get them realigned and see.”

(Aaaand I felt a fool. Mind you, so should they, too. My ‘demonstrations ’ of blurry vs normal sight were done wearing my specs. The sight tests had been done WITHOUT my specs. It turned out there was a minuscule adjustment needed for the left lens. He brought my specs back and the blurred vision was gone. At least I know I haven’t lost my marbles yet. Not about that, at least.)