A male patient and his girlfriend, both middle-aged, come into our clinic to check in for an appointment. The man says he is a new patient, so we have him fill out paperwork while he waits for his appointment. When they came in, they were not wearing masks. Even though restrictions in our state have loosened for masks, individual businesses still have a right to require masks upon entry. Regardless of the current restrictions or vaccination status, a health clinic that serves people sick with a number of contagious diseases would be a good place to wear a mask — or so you would think.
As the front desk receptionist, it is my job to inform people that we still require masks. To make these conversations more polite, I usually phrase it a different way.
Me: “Do you guys have masks with you, or do you need one?”
We have disposable masks available at the front door.
The girlfriend simply says, “No,” but neither of them makes a move to grab a mask when I point out our available stash. This is where I should insist, but I’m a shy twenty-one-year-old female and there are no other patients in the lobby, so I don’t push it. I figure the nurses will take care of it, and oh, boy, do they.
The provider that they are here to see is the sort that will take no substance from the cow’s behind. She is a great nurse practitioner that has been in the field for upwards of a decade. Her LPN (licensed practical nurse) — the one that brings patients back to rooms and gets them started — is equally so.
The LPN comes out and calls the man’s name. Both he and his girlfriend start to get up.
LPN: “Do you guys have masks?”
Girlfriend: “No.”
The LPN grabs two from the box at the front door and extends them to the man and his girlfriend.
LPN: “You’ll have to wear one for the appointment.”
At this, they explode.
Girlfriend: “Oh, no. We were told when we scheduled the appointment that masks were highly encouraged but not required. [Patient] won’t wear one.”
LPN: “Well, I can ask the provider if she would be okay with a face shield, but he’ll have to wear something.”
At no point in this conversation does the man, the actual patient, say anything. He just starts angrily pacing and indicating that he is leaving. After a few minutes, he does actually just walk out, leaving his girlfriend to fight his battle.
Girlfriend: “Whoever I talked to, that was the first question I asked: do we need to wear masks? I wouldn’t have scheduled the appointment if they were required. I was assured that they were not.”
Me: “Hm, that’s strange. Do you remember who you talked to? I will have to update them on our policy so they have the correct information.”
At this, the girlfriend sputters.
Girlfriend: “Well, I don’t remember who it was, but it wasn’t the person who scheduled us. It was a different person.”
I look to see who scheduled her appointment. It was someone in the billing department, which is strange because they don’t usually schedule appointments. I find out later that there was an issue with one of the regular schedulers and that the call was transferred incorrectly. No big deal.
The LPN goes to get the head nurse, which is the closest thing to a manager at our clinic. [Head Nurse] confirms the policy and reiterates that we can check with the provider, but that he will have to wear something during the appointment or he will not be seen. [Head Nurse] confirms with the provider that she will not see him without a mask. I believe her exact words are along the lines of, “He needs to put on his big boy pants and get over it. It’s a piece of cloth.”
The girlfriend just gets angrier.
Girlfriend: “You’re really not going to see him over this? Well, that sucks, because he hasn’t been to the doctor in over thirty years and he has diabetes. He’s going to lose his leg. He really needed this appointment.”
During her rant, I’m thinking to myself, “If he really needs this appointment, you would think he would suck it up and just wear the mask.”
Girlfriend: “When I scheduled the appointment, I told them he had two requirements. First, he wasn’t going to wear a mask. We were told that was fine. Second, he wasn’t going to let the doctor do certain tests. He didn’t want to be touched. He didn’t want a physical. He just wanted to be seen for diabetes.”
That would also be a problem because, as previously mentioned, the provider would not let that fly.
I’m still trying to remain as polite as possible.
Me: “I’m sorry, but that is our policy. I know it’s frustrating to be given wrong information, and I’ll try to make sure everyone in our clinic is aware of our policies when scheduling appointments in the future.”
After repeating what she had already said a couple more times, she left. I canceled the man’s appointment and put a BIG note in his chart about his unwillingness to wear a mask and about our current policy, just in case he tries to schedule again.
Here’s the kicker: I decided to Google this guy. He’s not technically a patient with us, so there’s no HIPAA violation. I started to type in his name, and wouldn’t ya know it, it auto-populated his last name followed by the city and state. Great, so this guy is someone important or had at least been in the news.
Well, it turns out that this guy ran for mayor a couple of years back. He was actually defeated by his opponent, which just so happened to be the son-in-law of one of the clinic’s providers. When I told the provider this, her reaction was priceless. “It’s THAT guy?!” Everyone in town was familiar with him and knew him as the resident a**hole.
I looked at his mayoral campaign site, and one of his talking points was concerning community health. Interesting. There was a blurb in there about needing to “listen to your body.” Very interesting, considering this guy apparently hasn’t been to the doctor in thirty years.
A “Falling For You” Joke Would Be Too Easy
For obvious reasons, many of us in my country are being encouraged to do “staycations” this year rather than travelling abroad. As I plan day trips away with my husband and young daughter, I recall a summer, a number of years ago, where my ability to travel abroad was hindered, not by a global health crisis, but by personal injury.
At the time, I was in my early twenties, fresh out of university and living with my boyfriend. Northern Ireland was going through a heatwave, with temperatures in the high twenties or low thirties — high eighties, for our American friends. As a fair-skinned Irish girl, I was already struggling with the heat, but my struggle was made worse when, one Saturday morning, as I hurried downstairs wearing footwear not really suited to the purpose, I lost my balance, slipped, fell, and hurt my left leg. The pain was so bad that I ended up in the emergency department, where I was told that I’d broken my leg in three places. After a week in hospital, I came home with crutches, a cast that ran from my toes up past my knee, and a massive bruise to my pride!
A couple of weeks later, with the heatwave set to continue, I was pretty fed up. It was exhausting using crutches to move around and was worse in the oppressive July heat. My boyfriend was driving me home from an appointment and happened to mention how tired I looked. I confirmed that I WAS, in fact, exhausted, to which he gave no response, other than to nod. We pulled into our driveway.
Boyfriend: “Wait here!”
And then he leapt out of the car. He ran to the front door, unlocked and opened it, and then came back to the passenger side door, which he opened for me. As I struggled to work my way out of the car without bashing my cast — I’d learnt that the hard way — my boyfriend took my arm to guide me. With my casted leg off the ground, I reached in to grab my crutches, but my boyfriend stopped me. Before I could protest, he threw one arm behind my knees, and the other around my shoulders, and hoisted me up into his arms! I don’t like being lifted, even in normal circumstances, so I shrieked.
My boyfriend laughed.
Boyfriend: “[My Name], my darling! I’m going to carry you across the threshold!”
And he started for the door.
Me: *Laughing nervously* “Ahh… Okay, [Boyfriend], please just be careful that you don’t—”
Before the words “drop me” could leave my lips, he’d done just that! He must have lost his grip or whatever, but I slid out of his arms. As I was already stressed by the shock of being lifted suddenly, my body wasn’t exactly limp, and my right side smacked forcefully into the hard concrete driveway. I howled in pain and swore angrily at my boyfriend, who, looking sheepish, sank to his knees and started apologising profusely while trying to help me up. When it became apparent, however, that I was going nowhere, so intense was the pain, he disappeared into the house to phone for an ambulance.
The staff in the emergency department were surprised that I was back so soon — as was I! After a trip to X-ray, I was given the bad news: I’d shattered my right kneecap and broken my right wrist and elbow. I’d also injured my neck, which, thankfully, wasn’t broken but was quite badly sprained. After another week in hospital, I returned home — in a wheelchair this time — with casts now on my right knee and arm and a brace on my neck.
My boyfriend, probably as much motivated by guilt as concern for my well-being, spoiled me rotten for the next few painful months as I recovered. By the time I was back on my feet, summer was over and the heatwave had passed, giving way to cloudy, wet, and miserable weather. That summer changed me, and I no longer took good weather — or freedom to travel — for granted. My boyfriend changed, too, becoming less impulsive, and after several months of what he called “trying to make it up to me,” finally accepted that I’d forgiven him. He proposed to me the following spring, and we’ve been happily married ever since. But he thankfully never again offered to “carry me over the threshold”!
For The Record, This Is RIDICULOUS
California, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Medical Office, Nurses, Reception, USA | Healthy | August 10, 2021
I need the medical history of my vaccinations for education reasons. For a variety of other reasons, I do not have access to this yellow card that already has my history, so I call my doctor’s office.
Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name]. I’m a patient of [Doctor]. I’m just calling to ask if I could get a copy of my vaccination history.”
Me: “I began going to university and I need that information to prove I’ve been vaccinated. Can you guys possibly email it, or do I have to come down?”
Receptionist #1 : “Then you have to come down to the office. It should be a quick visit.”
I make the appointment and go to their office. My mom and I already visited within the last few weeks. It was the start of a new year and insurance updating was already done. My mom got a misprint of her insurance card and went through a big hassle of getting their office to understand that the number on her card was right but the doctor’s name was wrong. I’m under her insurance as a dependent. After this confusion and debacle, the insurance company didn’t want to give my mom more than one properly fixed card, so she gave me the misprint.
I get to the office and they give me the usual forms to fill out and then ask for the card. I’m dealing with the person who I KNOW my mom dealt with last time, because he’s the only male receptionist among the other three women.
Me: “Just a reminder, the info on that card is inaccurate. The doctor’s name is [Doctor] but the number is right.”
Receptionist #2 : “Miss! Your information is wrong!”
Me: “Yes, I know. I told you that already. It’s [proper information].”
He only looks from me to the card without even glancing at the computer.
Receptionist #2 : “No, I don’t think so. This is wrong. Do you have another card?”
Me: “No, I do not. Is it possible for you to just pull up my file or my mom’s?”
Receptionist #2 : “No. That’ll be $45 for today’s visit.”
Me: “What? I’m here to ask for my own medical history. Why is it so high?”
Receptionist #2 : “Because you don’t have insurance.”
I was literally in this office a few weeks ago.
Me: “You know what? Can you please just pull up my mom’s file? Her name is [Mom]. We have the same insurance information and hers is the correct one; it’s the same number.”
The receptionist makes a weird face at me and then flicks his hand in an indication for me to go sit down.
About fifteen minutes later:
Receptionist #2 : “Okay, fine. Your copay is just $15 dollars.”
I pay it and then go sit down to wait. Twenty minutes pass. I’m finally called in and they insist I be weighed. Disclaimer, I’m fat, and my weight hasn’t been under 180 pounds for years, and this office uses the old fashioned scale that has a weight and a balance slidey thing. As I’m being weighed, the nurse, who I’ve also seen for years, starts off on 160 before slowly moving the slider higher. Every time she does, she goes, “Oh, wow,” over and over again until we get to my actual weight. She then refuses to measure my height, despite that being the usual thing I’ve done for the last fifteen-plus years coming to this office.
I’m finally taken to a room and told to wait for the doctor. Ten or fifteen minutes later, someone finally comes in.
Nurse: “So, you’re here today to get your vaccine shots?”
Me: “What? No. I’m here for my vaccination history.”
Nurse: “Huh? Why didn’t you just call us?”
Me: “I did. You guys told me that because I don’t have a fax machine that I had to come down.”
The nurse looks back and forth from her chart to me before eyeing me suspiciously.
Nurse: “And what do you need this information for?”
Me: “I got into university and they want my vaccine history.”
Nurse: “Oooookay… Wait here.”
She leaves and I wait another ten minutes or so before she returns.
Nurse: “Can you email us the form you have to fill out?”
Me: “Uhh, it’s not a proper form? I just log into the school’s website, and on my profile, it gives me a prompt to fill it out. I took pictures of all the questions on my phone here.”
I show her the pictures.
Nurse: “Hmm… Are you sure there’s no other form?”
Me: “Absolutely.”
This time, she doesn’t say anything before she leaves the room and then comes back a few minutes later.
Nurse: “Okay, can you email us these pictures?”
I get that done and wait another ten minutes.
Nurse: “All right, so do you have the yellow card?”
Me: “No, I don’t have access to it.”
Nurse: “What?!”
I’m surprised at the suddenly loud and very shocked tone of her voice. She’s been monotone and suspicious this whole time.
Me: “I don’t have access to it. Things are complicated at home and I don’t have access to it.”
Nurse: “Well, can’t you just… ask for it?”
Me: “No, I can’t. That’s why I’m here: because I already tried my other options.”
Nurse: “All right, well, that yellow card has your medical history on it that you need. Unless you have that card, we can’t let you see your file.”
Me: “You— Wait, what? I’m asking for my history, and you’re telling me you can’t give me my own history… unless I have my history.”
Nurse: “Yes, because you need that card.”
Me: “I. Don’t. Have. It. That’s why I’m here to ask you guys — my doctor’s office — for my history.”
Nurse: “We can’t do that.”
Me: “Well, if I can’t see it, then can you at least just tell me the information that I need? I sent you the pictures.”
Nurse: “Hmmm, no, I don’t think so. Well, thank you for visiting.”
She gestures for me to leave the room.
Me: “No. Absolutely not. You guys tried to make me pay a ridiculous amount for copay I’ve never paid before, you guys did make me pay for copay anyway, and you are trying to turn me away without helping me. I haven’t even seen the doctor yet. I’m not leaving until I see the doctor.”
The nurse suddenly looks panicked and tells me to wait longer before leaving. It’s about another ten or fifteen minutes before the doctor actually shows up.
He basically sits in the office with me, holding my file, while I show and ask him the questions necessary and he tells me the dates. I’m still not allowed to see or hold my file. It comes to light there’s a vaccine shot that I actually need a renewal of, so that can also be done to get out of the way. He thanks me for coming into the office and tells me a nurse will help me with the vaccine.
Surprisingly, it doesn’t take long for her to show up, and it’s the same nurse I’ve been dealing with this whole time. The shot gets done and over with rather quickly, and then she just leaves the room. She hasn’t uttered a single word to me the whole time. I sit there a bit confused, waiting for further instructions. The nurse then pops her head through the doorway.
Nurse: “Ummm, you can leave now, y’know.”
I was honestly a bit more surprised at the sudden attitude change than I was angry. When I got to the car, the surprised feeling was gone and I was definitely more than dissatisfied with the supposed “quick visit” that lasted from 9:30 am to 11:50 am.
Can’t Let The Cat Out Of The Bag With No Cat
Stupid, UK, Vet | Healthy | August 8, 2021
I am a veterinary surgeon in the middle of a very busy consulting session. I call my next appointment in — booked as “coughing” — and a man comes into my consulting room with no pet.
Me: “Where is your cat?”
Client: “Oh, she hates travelling, so I left her at home. I thought we could just discuss what to do.”
Me: “I can’t examine, diagnose, or treat a problem without actually seeing [Cat].”
Client: “So, I need to bring her, then?”
Me: “Yes.”
Client: “…”
Me: “…”
Client: “Shall I just go, then?”
Me: “Yes, please rebook for another time and bring her with you next time.”
He left. I mean… who deliberately doesn’t bring their pet for a veterinary appointment?
That’s One Ballsy Programmer
Coworkers, Funny, Health & Body, Maryland, Office, USA | Healthy | August 6, 2021
I’m a programmer and work in a room with a half dozen others. We often resort to good-natured teasing and complaining about each other, but I’m confident everyone knows it is in jest.
One of our coworkers has been making plans to be out in a few days for some surgery.
Me: “What is the surgery for, if you’re comfortable sharing?”
Coworker: “Oh, I’m an open book. I’m willing to share, but the real question is, do you really want to know? You can’t complain about it being too much information if you ask.”
Me: “Come on, tell us.”
Coworker: “Okay, you know how if someone does something really impressive, people will always say something like, ‘That guy has to have some huge cojones to do that.’?”
Me: “Yeah…?”
Coworker: “Well, it turns out that huge cojones aren’t as convenient as everyone made them out to be, and I’m apparently too awesome for my own good.”
He eventually goes on to explain that he has a hydrocele, which is some sort of liquid buildup on the outside of the testicle, making it grow larger until it gets in the way.
The day of his surgery, he is the only one not on vacation that can support some servers, so he comes in for two hours to check on the servers and have some sort of meeting before leaving for the surgery. When the time comes to leave, he has this to say.
Coworker: “Okay, folks. I hope none of you take this the wrong way, but I just realized I’d rather go get my balls chopped off than spend another moment here with all of you. See you on Monday.”
Caught In A Really Annoying Drug Ring
Ignoring & Inattentive, Medication, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | October 27, 2021
My pharmacy sends out text messages as a reminder to order refills. You can answer “YES” to have the refill placed or “NO” to opt out. I don’t like the side effects of a certain medication, so my doctor switches me to a new medication.
Text Message: “REMINDER: Your medication [first three letters] is due for a refill. Reply YES to order a refill or NO to skip.”
Me: “No.”
Text Message: “You have opted out of refilling your medication [first three letters]. If this is an error, please contact [Pharmacy] at [phone number].”
Shortly after, my phone rings with the pharmacy number.
Me: “Hello?”
Pharmacy Tech #1 : “Hi there, this is [Pharmacy Tech #1 ] at [Pharmacy]. I’m calling in regards to your prescription for [medication #1 ].”
Me: “Yeah, I just cancelled it. The doctor—”
Pharmacy Tech #1 : “Oh, you really shouldn’t. We can go ahead and schedule a refill for you over the phone.”
Me: “No, the doctor said—”
Pharmacy Tech #1 : “You need to take your medication as prescribed by your doctor.”
Me: *With a point-blank tone* “And he prescribed switching to [medication #2 ].”
Text Message: “REMINDER: Your medication [first three letters] is due for a refill. Reply YES to order a refill or NO to skip.”
This is the first medication again.
Me: “NO.”
Text Message: “You have opted out of refilling your medication [first three letters]. If this is an error, please contact [Pharmacy] at [phone number].”
My phone rings again. It’s the pharmacy … again.
Me: “Hello?”
Pharmacy Tech #2 : “Hi there, this is [Pharmacy Tech #2 ] at [Pharmacy]. I’m calling in regards to your prescription for [medication #1 ].”
Me: “My doctor switched me to [medication #2 ]. I just spoke with [Pharmacy Tech #1 ] and told him all about it.”
Pharmacy Tech #2 : “Um… Our system shows you’re due for a refill.”
Me: “I know, but I’m not.”
Pharmacy Tech #2 : “I don’t… um… you’re due. We need to schedule your refill.”
Me: “What do I have to do to get out of this loop? My doctor switched my medication. I am not filling [medication #1 ].”
Ten minutes later, I received a third text for the same medication. I didn’t answer that time and they didn’t call back. When I went to pick up [medication #2 ], both technicians were there but they didn’t say anything.
In For A Penny, In For Just Enough Pounds
Doctor/Physician, France, Medical Office, Parents/Guardians | Healthy | October 24, 2021
My grandmother can be pretty stubborn sometimes, and she can get worried about a lot of things. When her daughter, my mom, was just a kid — around seven years old, I think — she was worried because my mom was “too thin” and did not eat a lot of meat.
She went to the village doctor, who checked her weight.
Doctor: “Your daughter is fine; she’s in good health.”
Grandmother: “But she’s too thin!”
Doctor: “Okay, well, there’s a specialist from [Big City far away] coming into [Big City close to their village]. You can try going to see him.”
And that’s what she did. She managed to get an appointment and went to see this specialist. I can’t remember if he was a pediatrician or a nutritionist. He did some exams and came to the same conclusion as the doctor.
Specialist: “Your daughter is fine; she’s in good health.”
Grandmother: “But she’s too thin!”
Specialist: “Why does that bother you so much? Are you planning on selling her by weight?”
With that, my grandmother finally understood that she’d gone a little bit too far and stopped going to doctors for that. She sometimes tells this story, laughing about her stubbornness and the witty response of the doctor.
That’s Just Hysterical!
Doctor/Physician, Funny, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Italy | Healthy | October 21, 2021
I’m relating my medical history to a doctor I’ve never seen before. He’s wrapped up the visit and is typing the report, and he’s already had two phone calls in the meanwhile.
Doctor: *Typing* “…and when did you have the hysterectomy?”
Me: “I don’t remember which year. It could have been… 2016, 2017. I’m not sure.”
Doctor: *Still typing* “Okay, I’ll put in 2016. But it was after the pregnancy, anyway, correct?”
Me: “I’m quite sure it was after the pregnancy, doc.”
This Doctor’s Inability To Listen Is Nauseating
Doctor/Physician, Emergency Room, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Uruguay | Healthy | October 18, 2021
After I’ve complained about stomach pain for a few days, along with vomiting and nausea, my mom takes me to the ER.
Doctor: “Have you considered you might be pregnant?”
Mom: “Excuse you?”
The doctor turns away from my mom and takes my hands, moving her chair closer.
Doctor: “I know it may be hard to admit this in front of your mom, but you have to consider the chance that you might be having a child soon.”
She keeps on talking like that, giving me recommendations and numbers to call for help with teen pregnancy. My mom and I are looking at her in horror, until my mom can’t take it anymore and leaves the room.
Me: “Lady. I am, one, a fifteen-year-old virgin, and two, asexual, with a girlfriend. No. I am not pregnant. Can you let go of my hands and actually do some sort of exam now?”
Doctor: “Sweetie, things like this can happen by accident. Maybe your boyfriend and you were not—”
Before I got the chance to correct her, my mother came back into the room with a nurse, who told the doctor the head nurse was calling her. I ended up being seen by a different doctor, who sent me to do some actual exams. After a lot of different exams and many weeks of pain, whatever I had finally passed. We never knew what it was, but it was certainly not a child!
The Tantrum That Never Came And The Husband Who Stopped It
Awesome, Current Events, Jerk, North Carolina, Patients, Pharmacy, Spouses & Partners, USA | Healthy | October 15, 2021
It was 7:30, and I’d dropped into my local pharmacy in order to grab a prescription on the way home. I went back to the pharmacy counter and saw a woman hovering around the counter, wearing a mask, so I did as I always do and stayed a safe distance back to wait. She turned to me, immediately, and I realized I was in for something interesting, as she immediately asked me if I was there for a vaccine. I simply replied that I was there to pick up a prescription, and I could tell from the way she turned from me that she was trying to find someone to complain to. Her attitude radiated impatience and a little entitlement, so I was ready for fireworks.
After a moment, a man came around the corner and started talking to the woman; it turned out that he was her husband. He had been looking for something on the shelves and couldn’t find it but was going to check again since they were still waiting; she requested he stay at the counter because he was “better at talking” than she was. He told her to just call for him when the pharmacists got to them and headed back off to go find whatever it was he needed.
She then proceeded to start making “ugh” huffing noises, like she was scoffing at the wait already, but she did it so often there was hardly a second between her scoffing noises. It was like a mini-tantrum to herself. I don’t know how long they’d waited before I arrived, but I had only been there for maybe two minutes, and I’ve been to the pharmacy enough to know their wait times at the counter didn’t tend to be long if there wasn’t a line, so there was almost no way she’d been waiting more than a few minutes before I arrived, as the counter and back half were empty except for a car or two outside.
After another second, the head pharmacist/doctor in charge approached the counter to ask what they needed, and she called for her husband in a clipped tone before starting off anyway without waiting for him to get back to her.
Woman: “We’re here for our boosters.”
Doctor: *Not unkindly* “We don’t take walk-ins after 1:00 pm, and we don’t have appointments after 7:00.”
He could tell they didn’t have an appointment without having to ask, considering the hour, and his tone was mostly confused and a little concerned, like maybe they’d managed to book an appointment anyway and he was about to have to deal with a massive system issue. He was clearly anticipating fallout, either way. The woman opened her mouth, and I could hear the complaint starting in her throat through the half-second of tone she got out.
Then, her husband cut her off, emphatically and in a volume and tone that were almost teacher-voice-like.
Husband: “No. He is telling us what he can and cannot do.”
He then turned to the pharmacist and, in a pleasant tone, asked again about walk-in times so he knew when best to come back. The pharmacist walked him through using the app to make an appointment and clarified what vaccine they needed the booster for. The husband seemed almost pointedly pleasant when he talked, like he was making a point to his wife about how you talk to people when you can’t get your way. She didn’t say anything else except to ask what vaccine they had because, apparently, another of the same pharmacy carried the other kind, and when they left, they left quietly and with no further tantrums.
Read Between The Lines
Awesome, Ignoring & Inattentive, Inspirational, Stupid, Texas, USA, Vet | Healthy | October 10, 2021
It is against the law to prescribe medications to a pet that has not been examined by the doctor. I’m one of the more senior technicians at the clinic and have just clocked in for the swing shift when one of the doctors comes up to me and hands me a bottle of liquid medicine and a dispenser.
Doctor: “I’m so glad you’re here. In the lobby is a Mrs. [Pet Owner]. Some jerk left a cardboard box with a litter of eight puppies on her driveway last night. She can barely afford her one dog, much less eight, so she was going to take them to the shelter today, but overnight they started having diarrhea, and we all know what the local shelter does to sick puppies. So, she has called ahead and gotten prices and she decided she can afford an exam and a puppy diarrhea panel for two of the puppies. We had her just bring in one puppy so that she would still have money for treating it. [New Hire] was helping me with this one, but I don’t think she is ready to do this kind of discharge talk. Can you do it?”
Me: “Sure, what am I telling her?”
Doctor: “Let her know the puppy has [parasite], and it is incredibly unlikely that the rest of the litter doesn’t. So for his size, he’ll need 1mL of this every day for three days. We’re sending her 30mLs; the extra is for spillage. You understand exactly what I mean by ‘spillage’?”
Me: “You really have to ask?”
I go up to the lobby and put the charges in the computer and call the owner up to the counter.
Me: “Good news! It isn’t parvo. It is [parasite] and that is easy to treat. The rest of the litter likely has it as well, so we don’t need to do the tests on them. You just have to give this liquid once a day for three days.”
I demonstrate how to use the dispenser to measure the dose.
Owner: “Oh, that is great. So, how much is it?”
I tell her the price and her face falls.
Owner: “Oh, dear. That is a very expensive medication.”
Me: “Not really. You see, you only need to give him 1mL a day, and we are sending home quite a bit more than that so if you accidentally spill some you still have plenty.”
Owner: “I don’t think I could possibly spill that much. Can you send home less? I need to save up to bring the others in to get exams and medication for them.”
Me: “Well, yes, we do need to do exams on the other puppies in order to send home any medication with their names on it, but we want to make absolutely sure that, no matter what, this little guy has plenty. Just in case you drop some, or it sticks to the side of the dispenser.”
Owner: “But I won’t drop any, and I really doubt that much is going to stick to the dispenser.”
Me: “We are sending you extra so that if you accidentally grab the wrong puppy and give one of his siblings a dose instead, you will still have plenty of medication.”
Owner: “Oh, no, he has very different markings from the rest; I wouldn’t make that mistake.”
Me: “I really don’t know how else I can explain this. Um…”
Owner: “Explain what?! That you think I’m a clumsy idiot that will waste more of the medication than I actually use?!”
Another client who is waiting in the lobby comes up to the counter.
Man: “Excuse me, miss. I couldn’t help but overhear. Am I allowed to say what I think you are not allowed to say?”
Me: “Sir, as long as you aren’t threatening or being vulgar, I am not legally required to stop you from saying anything.”
Man: “Excellent!” *Turns to the puppies’ owner* “You said you have other dogs, right? They are sending you enough medicine for all of them, but legally, they can’t say that is what they are doing. So, pay for the medication, take it home, and ‘spill’ it down the other dogs’ throats. I’m assuming they are all the same size and therefore should get the same dose.” *Turns back to me* “That’s right, right?”
Me: “Nobody who works here would ever tell you to administer medication to an animal it was not prescribed to. That would be illegal. But yes, if we were to send home medication for the other puppies, they would be getting the same dose.”
Owner: “Oh, wow. Oh, gosh, thank you so much. I’m going to write a review telling everyone how awesome you are to do this for me.”
Man: “NO, YOU ARE NOT! They are bending the law pretty far for you and your dogs. You can talk about how nice they are, how caring the doctor was, and how they found a treatment plan within your budget, but you will most certainly not say anything about them sending home medication for an animal they didn’t examine.”
Owner: “Oh, right. That makes sense. Thank you all so much!” *Pays and leaves*
Me: “Thanks for helping with that.”
Man: “Not a problem. I didn’t want the poor dogs to suffer from foolish human disease.”
The puppies all recovered and we helped the owner find good homes for all of them. We still see the six that stayed in the area regularly for vaccines and checkups.
No Pain, No Gain
Dentist, France, Patients, Stupid | Healthy | October 1, 2021
I’m a dentist. Sometimes we can’t fix teeth without extractions. When that happens and there’s no other viable option, we make prosthetics for the patients — basically dentures. It’s never a perfect option, but in the vast majority of cases, the patients are happy with them after a necessary touch-up and around two weeks of wear to get accustomed to their new prosthetics. You absolutely NEED to bear the discomfort for those two weeks if you ever want to get used to them.
I have this conversation on a weekly basis.
A patient calls in two weeks after being given the dentures.
Patient: “Those dentures don’t fit me. I can’t eat/talk/do backflips with them, and they hurt.”
Me: “Pain is normal during the first few weeks; I’ll fix that for you. How long did you wear them for?”
Patient: “I could only handle three hours!”
Me: “Yeah, I might see why they don’t seem to work…”
Hospitals Are The Coolest Place To Hang Out!
Alberta, Canada, Current Events, Hospital, Impossible Demands | Healthy | September 29, 2021
I work at one of the main hospitals in the city, and I rotate between different entrances. Hospitals have been very strict with who they allow into the hospital since the health crisis, with only patients and select visitors being permitted. There are many people who try to come into the hospital despite not being a patient or knowing a patient who has been admitted, and a lot of my job involves calling the main switchboard and various units to ensure random people aren’t just wandering around and that people actually have someone they are going to visit.
One day, a visitor comes in.
Visitor: “I’m here to visit my grandmother.”
Me: “Can I have the spelling of her name, please?”
Visitor: “[Male First Name], uhh… [Last Name]?”
I call the main switchboard to see if they can locate the patient, and sure enough, they can’t find anyone under that name.
I report back to the visitor.
Visitor: “Oh, I have this friend here, [Male Name], and he’s in a wheelchair. You know him?”
This hospital has almost 1,000 beds, and I’m not exactly on a first-name basis with patients!
I asked for the spelling of their name, and… they couldn’t tell me. I informed the visitor that they needed the correct spelling of any patient’s first and last name in order to visit. The patient wandered out the door. This happens at least once a shift.
Be Proactive; Doctors Can’t Fix Dead
Awesome, Doctor/Physician, France, Grandparents, Home | Healthy | September 27, 2021
My grandmother told me this story that happened to her some years ago. She was sick for a few days. But she is the type of person that says, “It’s nothing. I’m not going to bother the doctor for so little. It will go away,” and waits until she can barely walk.
One day, she was laying in bed, trying to rest, when she realized that she should call the doctor. She called the office and got to speak to the doctor. This doctor saw my grandmother pregnant with my mother, my mother pregnant with me, and me reaching my twenties, so he knows our family pretty well.
And at that point, she collapsed. She fell to the ground and woke up some minutes later. She was confused and did not remember calling the doctor at all, so she went back to bed.
Fifteen minutes later, she heard some loud banging on the door. She ran to the door and was really surprised to see the doctor.
Grandmother: “What are you doing here?”
Doctor: “You called me! And then you stopped talking and I heard you falling on the ground. You were not answering, so I jumped in my car!”
My grandmother was obviously really grateful, and the doctor did some checks and prescribed some medicine. I think he lectured her a little bit on her stubbornness, too.
Have A Heart, Not A Fake Heart Attack
England, Liars/Scammers, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | September 25, 2021
We have a non-emergency centre in our city; anyone can walk up and be seen, but after a certain time, it isn’t fully staffed. Then, you have to call them first and they will confirm whether they can see you there or refer you to the nearby emergency centre at the hospital. Or, they just tell you to take it up with your general doctor.
There are no costs or waiting times, and it’s clear on the website and signs are plastered over the centre, yet people still don’t get it.
I call ahead and ask to come in. As I walk the path, a couple is having a conversation in hushed tones.
Woman: “You are not listening; they won’t see you.”
Man: “No, but when we get there, I will pretend to have chest pains. They can’t refuse to see me then!”
Woman: “Oh, good idea.”
I follow them to the door. The man immediately grabs his chest and staggers to a nearby bench, draping himself over it like a Renaissance painting. The woman presses the intercom.
Intercom: “Did you ring ahead?”
Woman: “No, but my husband is having chest pains.”
Intercom: “Is it bad? Is he having any problems breathing, confusion?”
Woman: “Well, yes, a little.”
Intercom: “Okay. I will call an ambulance. Stay there and someone will come out in a second.”
Woman: “No, no no, it’s not really that bad.”
Intercom: “No, is he having issues breathing?”
Woman: “Err, no. But his foot hurts. He dropped something on it earlier.”
Intercom: *Sighs* “If it is only his foot, he needs to call the number and they will assess him.”
Woman: “But his foot really does hurt.”
Intercom: “And if you ring the number, someone will talk it through with him.”
The woman says something quietly.
Intercom: “Call the number like everyone else has. There is a queue of people that need our help and you are stopping us from helping them.”
Woman: “He needs help! We are not leaving this spot.”
Intercom: “Call the number. They will diagnose you; it isn’t urgent so you can do that. If you refuse to move, you will be arrested.”
The woman went back to her husband, who miraculously stopped clutching his chest, and they walked off. He didn’t even have a limp.
To Be Fair, They’re Very Different Kinds Of Needles
Funny, Hypocrisy, Medical Office, Patients, USA | Healthy | September 23, 2021
In the early 2000s, while waiting for my doctor’s appointment, I witnessed this incident.
Another patient, a woman in her twenties, came out from the back exam area with a nurse. The patient was wearing a common and trendy outfit of low-rise sweatpants and a crop tank top.
The nurse handed the patient her paperwork.
Nurse: “You need to make a follow-up appointment for [number] weeks. The receptionist can help you if you want to do it now.”
As she grabbed her paperwork, the patient responded:
Patient: “Ugh! Do I have to? I hate needles.”
The patient then walked quickly out of the office. As she did so, I could see that among the small collection of tattoos she had was a trendy one on her tailbone. The nurse looked bemused but unsurprised and returned to the back. I managed to mind my manners and not laugh or giggle.
It Takes A Village… Minus That Nurse
Hawaii, Honolulu, Jerk, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Nurses, USA | Healthy | September 21, 2021
My husband and I had been trying for another baby for a few months when I finally got a positive pregnancy test. I called the OBGYN office and booked my first appointment, expecting it to be like the first appointments for my other two children where we previously lived: a physical exam, listening to the heartbeat on an in-office Doppler machine, addressing any concerns that might be revealed in the exam, and some counseling about healthy habits during pregnancy.
However, the appointment turned out to be just confirming the pregnancy, using the exact same sort of urine test you can buy in dollar stores (which I’d done at home). I wasn’t able to get an appointment to be seen for an exam until several weeks later, too late for any early genetic testing; it’s lucky I wasn’t planning to have those, given my family and personal history.
And for extra fun, when I gave the nurse my urine sample (in a paper towel-wrapped cup), she took it, stared at my two- and four-year-old, sighed, and asked with disdain, “If this comes back positive, are you keeping it?”
The office didn’t offer abortion services. Why would I have come if I were seeking that? If they had to ask about my plans for pregnancy, why do it so bluntly, and with the impression that three is too many kids for someone to have? It set the tone for all the rest of the pregnancy visits, wherein I was treated like a nuisance and a hassle. I was very happy to move in the eighth month of pregnancy and have my third child in a more welcoming environment — one which includes a few childfree-by-choice aunts and uncles who said I could have an extra child or two in their place.
Her Attitude Is A Real Shot In The Arm
Current Events, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | September 19, 2021
I’m visiting my doctor for a checkup about a week after my booster shot. The nurse is taking my vitals.
Nurse: “So, how was your shot?”
Me: “A little sore when I lift my arm, but otherwise, nothing, really.”
Nurse: “Most people get knocked out for a day or two.”
Me: “Yeah, I thought I would, but I feel fine.”
Nurse: “You know, when you get sick after a vaccine, that means your body is building immunity. So, if you didn’t feel anything, you probably didn’t get anything.”
Me: “But—”
Nurse: “There are stories about people injecting with water and all kinds of stuff.”
Me: “I don’t—”
Nurse: “You should look into one of those tests to see if it worked.”
Me: “No, I—”
Nurse: “You should! If I got a shot and it didn’t do anything for me, I’d sue!” *Pauses* “Your pulse is high. Are you okay?”
Me: “You gave me my shot.”
The nurse sits in silence for a moment, embarrassed.
Nurse: “Well… not here, obviously… I mean, people here don’t… I was just… uh… The doctor will be in to see you shortly.”
She left without another word. The doctor came in and assured me that their shots are the real deal and that just because I didn’t feel anything it doesn’t mean I’m not covered.
Open Mouth, Insert Anesthetized Foot
Doctor/Physician, Funny, Hypocrisy, Medical Office, Oklahoma, Tulsa, USA | Healthy | September 17, 2021
I have suffered two bad ingrown toenails, one on each big toe. The first was handled by my general practitioner with general anesthesia. I didn’t know better at the time, but this was serious overkill. I got the whole hospital gown and recovery room treatment. When my other toe needed the same treatment, I went to a podiatrist. I told him the story of my first toe.
Podiatrist: “Well, that’s a GP for you; they don’t know how to anesthetize a toe. Well, let’s get you all fixed up.”
At that point, he zaps my toe and we wait a bit. He starts to touch my toe with the scalpel.
Me: “Um, I can feel that.”
Podiatrist: “What? That should be completely numb by now.”
Wonderful. It turns out that I’m one of the very few people whose nerve for the tip of their toe grows on the opposite side of the toe. He got me properly numbed, but I still laugh at the irony of him fussing that my previous doctor couldn’t properly numb my toe.
Cast A Spell Of Screaming
Bad Behavior, Children, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, School, USA, Washington | Healthy | September 15, 2021
When my brother is in elementary school, he falls off the monkey bars and sprains his wrist pretty badly. My brother has a ridiculous pain tolerance and is screaming his head off, so there is worry that it is a break.
At the time, we only have one car, which is with my dad, who isn’t currently available. My mom calls a family friend to get my brother so they can get to the doctor and off they go. She doesn’t call my dad because she is in a rush and is planning on doing it when they get to the doctor, so my dad follows his regular routine and starts to head home. He happens to run into another family friend who knows what’s happened.
Family Friend: “Hey, have you talked to [Mom] yet?”
Dad: “Uh, I don’t think so. Why?”
Family Friend: “Oh, well, [Brother] fell and may have broken his wrist. I think she took him to [Urgent Care Office].”
Of course, my dad heads straight there and asks to be let in, but the front desk nurse won’t let him back. I’m not sure exactly why because most of the staff there know our family, so the only thing I can think of is that she is new and doesn’t know him. My mom hears the commotion and comes out and confirms he’s okay, and then they go back in to find that my brother’s wrist is not broken but sprained. The doctor splints the wrist and tells my brother to stay off the monkey bars for a few days and sends them home.
The next day, my brother comes home from school and my mom asks him about his wrist.
Brother: “It really hurts, Mom.”
He shows her his wrist and now there’s some very distinctive bruising.
Mom: “Come on. Let’s go back to the doctor.”
This time, my dad is home so they all go off to the clinic. They walk in and the nurse at the counter frowns as they come in.
Nurse: “Weren’t you just here?”
Mom: *Sigh* “Yes, but this time, it’s actually broken.”
While there isn’t any hesitation in getting things taken care of, there are other bills we are dealing with and an extra medical visit is not something we need right now.
Nurse: “Oh. Well, let me just put this in as a follow-up, okay?”
Mom: “Oh, you’re my new best friend!”
They go back and the doctor confirms that it is indeed broken this time.
Doctor: “I thought I told you to stay off the monkey bars?”
Brother: “I did! I was hanging on the single bars with my good arm and it was wet so I fell.”
Every adult in the room face-palms. I’ll give my brother one thing: he certainly is very good at not-quite malicious compliance.
Doctor: “Let’s get a cast on this, and then you need to stay away from all types of bars or hanging equipment for a while, okay?”
They splinted things and my brother got his cast. To this day, my mom thinks that the reason my brother was screaming so bad initially was that he really wanted a cast, and while he wouldn’t necessarily have gone out and purposely said, “Hey, let’s see what happens when I fall again!”, he still wanted that cast.
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The Wannabe Mayor And His Spokesperson, Unmasked
