Welcome To The Stage, Ma’am-O-Gram!
Editors' Choice, Hospital, Indianapolis, Non-Dialogue, Rude & Risque, USA, Wordplay | Healthy | December 20, 2019
During my regular mammogram, the doctor saw a lump that they wanted better images of, so I went to the clinic for the diagnostic mammogram follow-up. In my mid-forties now, I used to be an exotic dancer years ago, and I’m not exactly shy.

The nurse was getting me prepped for the diagnostic mammogram. This involved a couple of magic marker lines for orientation. She also applied some kind of metal sticker to point to the area of interest.

She turned to put a note in the file and told me, “Give me two shakes and we’ll get this done and over with.”

Odd directions… but I gave her my best shimmy, making sure that the sticker stayed attached to my swinging breasts.

She laughed so hard that she dropped her pen and needed a minute to recollect her professional cool.

Apparently, she meant the phrase “in two shakes of a lamb’s tail,” meaning, “in a short time.” She wasn’t expecting a show!

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Emergency Services Needs To Address This Issue
Colorado, Emergency Services, Geography, Lafayette, Lazy/Unhelpful, USA | Healthy | December 18, 2019
(Leaving the fast-food drive-thru window, I am overwhelmed with a wave of nausea and dizziness. I manage to pull across several parking spaces and wait, hoping I’ll feel better. I don’t. I think I might pass out, and wish I’d throw up because that might make me feel better. Clearly, I can’t drive, and I have no idea what was wrong. Dizzy, scared, and disoriented, I call 911.)

911: “911! What’s the address of your emergency?”

Me: “I have no idea. I’m at the [Fast Food Restaurant] on the corner of [Highway] and [Cross street].”

911: “But I need a specific address.”

Me: “I can’t give you a specific address. I’m in pain and scared. I’m at–” *repeats cross streets* “Please help me!”

911: “We cannot help you without a street address, ma’am.”

Me: *losing my cool completely* “Okay, start at the hospital. Drive north on [Highway] a few blocks. When you get to [Major Store], look to the east, to your right. You will see [Fast Food Place] with a car parked across several spots. That’s me!”

(Funniest thing, they did find me! It turned out to be a kidney stone.)

Deck The Halls With Bouts Of Nausea
Lazy/Unhelpful, Non-Dialogue, Pharmacy, Texas, USA | Healthy | December 16, 2019
I have chronic nausea. I take a prescription nausea medication to keep it under control so I can eat and function. The nausea is related to stress, as well as my diagnosed depression and anxiety.

Six days ago at the time of writing, two days before Thanksgiving, my grandmother, who has to handle most phone calls for me due to my hearing issues, called the pharmacy to request a refill of my meds because I was almost out. Later, we got a call telling us that the refill request had been denied because my doctor’s office said I had to see the doctor before I could get a refill. I called the doctor the next day and was told that they had sent in an approval, but they would send another one to be sure.

Pharmacy still said they had no approvals, only a denial.

Thanksgiving came and the office was closed. I checked the pharmacy again, and they still said they only had a denial and couldn’t fill it.

Black Friday, same deal, but we got a call from someone at my doctor’s office informing us that they’d be closed until Monday. I only had enough of my meds to get me through Black Friday. I ended up skipping my second dose so I would have one for Saturday morning, and was unable to eat dinner on Friday.

Same deal with the pharmacy on both Saturday and Sunday. No approvals received, only one denial, and they still couldn’t fill it even though I was unable to eat or drink without it at this time. I even got on the phone myself and cry and beg the pharmacist to give me an emergency three-day supply that the law allows, and was told no because of the “denial.”

This morning, Cyber Monday, after going the entire weekend feeling like I was in Hell since eating was pretty much impossible, my grandmother called my doctor’s office to set up an appointment for the first time slot they could fit me into today.

She was informed that they absolutely did not send in a denial, I did not need to see my doctor before getting a refill, and that their system says I don’t have to see my doctor for a refill on my medication until sometime next year. My doctor knows that I need the medication every single day to be able to eat, and I’m about twenty pounds underweight right now due to stress-induced illness that lasted for three months solid, so I need to be able to get a refill at any time until I gain some weight back.

It turns out that someone at the pharmacy put it on my file that they were sent a denial and got no approvals whatsoever. A few hours ago, I got a text saying that I had a prescription ready for pickup, which would be done first thing in the morning because we couldn’t get to the store.

I have filed a complaint with corporate for the store the pharmacy is in, and my complaint has been forwarded to the store manager with the assurance that the incident will be investigated and that this absolutely should not have happened. The person I conversed with — via chat — was horrified about it.

I hope that pharmacist gets fired and feels proud of themselves for giving a disabled woman no less than five panic attacks over the course of three days and causing her a lot of unnecessary stress that has likely set back her recovery from illness. I won’t be able to fully enjoy Christmas with my family now because I’ll still be recovering and having trouble eating much food.

Just Another Kidney Stoner
Bad Behavior, Hospital, Lazy/Unhelpful, Nurses, USA | Healthy | December 15, 2019
(I have a massive kidney stone trying to pass. I’m in the hospital, waiting for surgery to reduce the size. I suddenly have massive pain, bad enough my vision goes fuzzy. I’m crying, unable to really form words. I press my call button. After a moment, a nurse comes in.)

Nurse: “Can I help you?”

Me: “Pain… bad…”

Nurse: “On a scale of one to ten?”

Me: “Ten!”

(Because of the pain, I practically shout the number.)

Nurse: “You don’t need to raise your voice! I’ll get you something!”

(She leaves and comes back a minute later with a pill.)

Nurse: “Here’s some Tylenol.”

(All I can do is look at her, since that won’t be anywhere near enough for how my pain is.)

Nurse: “Well?! Take it!”

Me: “Need more…”

Nurse: “Ugh, you’re probably just a drug seeker! I’m not giving you anything else!”

(At this point, I just break down sobbing. She storms out. A few minutes later, my doctor comes in.)

Doctor: “Are you okay?!”

Me: “Pain bad… help…”

Doctor: “Okay, sweetie, I just need to know if you can tell me what number you’re at.”

Me: “Ten…”

Doctor: “All right. Do you want me to wait here while I have someone bring you medication?”

Me: “Please!”

(She does stay with me. After she calls the pharmacy, she holds my hand and talks to me to calm me back down. Once the medication is brought up and put into my IV, she makes sure it starts working.)

Doctor: “Your nurse said you were asking for drugs?”

Me: “No, I pushed my call light and told her I was in pain. She yelled at me saying that’s all I wanted and then left.”

Doctor: “She apparently thought you were faking something to get pain meds for an addiction. There’s no way you could fake a kidney stone on the imaging results. I’ll make sure you don’t have to deal with her anymore.”

(True to her word, I didn’t see that nurse for the rest of my stay.)

That Flu Right Over Her Head
Health & Body, High School, Jerk, Louisiana, Parents/Guardians, USA | Healthy | December 13, 2019
(This event happens more than halfway through my junior year in high school. It’s important to note that prior to this, I have only missed about four or five days of school during my ENTIRE high school career, half of which were from when my grandmother died unexpectedly last year. This one particular morning, I wake up feeling like complete and utter crap. I also just so happen to have two major presentations today after lunch and my parents know about both of them. They basically have to fight to get me out of bed, accusing me of either lying or exaggerating to get out of my presentations. I manage to power through the first half of the day before breaking down at lunch and having my counselor essentially force my mother to come and get me. Naturally, she isn’t happy about it as she still thinks I’m purposefully trying to avoid my presentations.)

Mom: *in a very condescending tone* “I hope you’re prepared to go to the doctor. I’m bringing you back right after, too.”

(It’s very clear she’s trying to call my “bluff” and scare me into backing down, but I just quietly shrug. And just as she said, she brings me to a walk-in clinic near my school. After going through the standard procedure, the nurse seeing me takes a snot sample for a flu test.)

Mom: “I’m thinking it’s just a little cold at most.”

Nurse: “If that’s the case, we’ll probably just do a steroid shot, but let’s see the test results first.”

(She leaves and returns a few minutes later. To my mother’s surprise, the nurse is now wearing a procedure mask.)

Nurse: “So, he has the flu. We’re lucky y’all caught it within the first two days so we can write him a prescription for some Tamiflu that y’all can pick up at your preferred pharmacy. We’ll also give you a doctor’s note that says he can’t go to school until at least next Monday. Until then, make sure he gets plenty of rest and that he doesn’t have a fever for at least 48 hours prior to Monday.”

(My mother was horrified and ended up asking to have herself tested, too; she was negative. Although I feel bad for all my friends and classmates who sat by me that morning, I can’t help but gleefully remember my mom’s face when she realized that I wasn’t faking s***.)

When Laughter Is NOT The Best Medicine
Connecticut, Emergency Services, Punny, Silly, USA | Healthy | December 11, 2019
(I am a paramedic.)

Me: *to a patient* “Let me borrow your arm for a blood pressure check, please.”

(The patient extends their arm.)

Partner: “Don’t worry; she’ll give it back.”

Me: “Yeah. I got in way too much trouble last time for not giving it back. The police even chased me!”

Patient: “The police chased you?”

Me: “Yeah! For armed robbery!”

Partner: *groans and slams back doors of the ambulance while walking away*

It’s Not Just The Organs That Are Failing
Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Jerk, Lazy/Unhelpful, Uruguay | Healthy | December 9, 2019
(When my brother is around nine, he wakes up screaming in pain. As we have no vehicle of our own and no way of getting a taxi or a lift, my mother has to walk with a screaming child two kilometers to the hospital. She went to nursing school, but is not currently working as a nurse.)

Doctor: *after barely poking him* “Well, seems to be just some gas. He’s probably just using the pain to get attention.”

(My mother looks at her like she’s crazy, while my brother still cries and screams.)

Mom: “My son is not like that. Look, I am a nurse. I’m pretty sure he has appendicitis.”

Doctor: “Oh, nonsense. You don’t know what you are talking about.”

Mom: “But I do–”

Doctor: “Listen. I am a doctor. You are just a nurse. He is fine. Now leave.”

(My mother leaves the hospital furious. Not surprisingly, two days later, my brother’s appendix ruptures. My mom manages to get a passing car to take them to the hospital, and my brother has surgery. Because the hospital has no full anesthesia, they have to use local — the kind that only numbs the area — and my brother is operated on while awake and screaming. While he is still in surgery, my mother runs into the doctor in the hallway.)

Doctor: “Oh, you are here again. What, does your son have a headache now? It might be a tumor, don’t you think?”

(My mother almost attacked her, but her father entered the hospital on time and stopped her. My brother survived and made a full recovery, and my mother reported the doctor; unfortunately, nothing came out of it at the time, but a few years later she was forced into retirement for repeatedly misdiagnosing patients.)

Bring Them Back In For A Brain Check
Florida, Medical Office, Stupid, USA | Healthy | December 8, 2019
(I am at the checkout desk of an urgent care medical office.)

Coworker: “How was your visit today?”

Patient: “Pretty good. I don’t like going to the doctor, but this was a great experience. Everyone was really nice.”

Coworker: “Thanks! Glad everything went well. Yeah, I work in a doctor’s office and I don’t really like going to the doctor, either.”

Patient: “Oh, really? What kind of doctor’s office do you work in?”

My Brain: “Seriously? Did she just ask that?”

Cheese Addiction Is Becoming A Problem
California, Health & Body, Los Angeles, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | December 5, 2019
(I work at a non-profit rehab for teens as a counselor. During their lunch, a new resident is having a heated argument with other staff over her dietary restrictions.)

Teen: “I can’t eat this; it has cheese. I’m vegan.”

Staff: “We’re trying to accommodate. The cooks have been made aware and are working on fixing you something else.”

Teen: “You shouldn’t be eating this stuff. Do you know how badly dairy and meat harms your body? You guys are all disgusting.”

Me: *screaming internally* “You shouldn’t lecture anyone when you smoke meth!”

She’s Not Being Very Hip
Aunts & Uncles, Health & Body, Home, Non-Dialogue, Pennsylvania, USA | Healthy | December 2, 2019
My great aunt gets a call from a friend asking her if she wants to go grocery shopping at a popular bulk warehouse store and my aunt agrees. When her friend gets to the house, my aunt goes outside and slips on some ice in the driveway; she hits her hip hard and can no longer stand up. She refuses to call an ambulance, and two of her neighbors manage to get her into her friend’s car.

My aunt’s friend asks if she wants to go to the doctor right away but my aunt responds, “No, you came to go to the store so we might as well do that first.” So, her friend goes grocery shopping while my aunt stays in the car with a broken hip. Afterward, the friend insists my aunt go to a doctor. Instead of going to the emergency room, my aunt insists on going to a faster care doctor’s office.

They pull into the parking lot and my aunt’s friend explains the situation. A doctor comes out and tells my aunt they have no way to get her out of the car — she is somewhat of a larger lady — and that she really needs to go to the ER. My aunt complains. Finally, the doctor says, “Ma’am, you’ve broken your hip. This is something outside of our control. We can help you if you need something minor, but you are going to need surgery; you need to leave and go get the care you need.”

She finally agrees to go to the ER and she ends up having quite the lengthy recovery process because she is just as difficult in her physical therapy appointments.

When You Are Bugged To Go To The Doctor
Bizarre, California, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue, Pets & Animals, USA | Healthy | November 27, 2019
When I’m in high school, I come down with a bad fever and my mother takes me to the doctor. I’m still seeing a pediatrician at this point. The building the office is in is undergoing construction.

Pretty soon I’m in the examination room, my mom sitting to the side. The doctor is a young woman, wearing a gauzy green sweater and some light gold jewelry. I notice a very shiny, pretty brooch shaped like a scarab pinned to her sweater.

She leans in with the tongue depressor, and as I watch in horror, the “brooch” sticks out a barbed leg and starts crawling up her shoulder! I scream and throw myself back.

“Are you okay?” asks the doctor. She thinks I’m scared of the tongue depressor.

“There’s a huge bug on you!” I yell.

This sets the doctor off. She shrieks, drops the tongue depressor, and starts frantically trying to brush the bug off her sweater. In the process, she breaks her necklace, sending bits of golden chain flying across the room. Part of it hits me and I think it’s the bug, so I scream again and the cycle begins anew.

Eventually, the doctor calms down a little, but we’re still trying to find the bug. She turns around and I spot it on her shoulder and yell, “It’s still there!” This time she holds still and my mom gets it off her with a tissue and squishes it in the garbage can.

Once everyone’s calmed down, Mom comments that she should have saved it, or at least not crushed it, since it was actually very pretty. She thought I was having a hallucination until she saw it herself! We figure it got in from all the construction downstairs. The rest of the appointment goes fine, though the doctor and I are a bit shaken up; my mom is pretty level-headed.

When we check out, the nurse at the desk asks what happened. We tell her and she laughs and says, “We get a lot of screaming in this office, but usually it’s not from the doctors!”

Right Bad Back At Ya
Bizarre, Canada, Funny Names, Hospital, New Brunswick, Nurses | Healthy | November 23, 2019
(I am in the waiting room of a hospital waiting for a scan to check out my back injury. For the purposes of this story, let’s just say that my name is John Smith. The nurse calls me in for my scan.)

Nurse: “All right, just jump up onto the table.”

Me: “Umm… sorry, I can’t do that.”

Nurse: “We can’t do the scan if you don’t get on the table.”

Me: “But… I can barely move. How do you expect me to jump onto a table?”

Nurse: “Sure, you can.”

Me: “I don’t think you understand. I am physically unable to get up onto the table due to a back injury.”

Nurse: “You don’t have a back injury.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure I would know why I’m at the hospital.”

Nurse: “Your name is John Smith, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Nurse: “And your date of birth is [date]?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

(A patient in the waiting room speaks up.)

Patient: “Sorry to interrupt, but I think you might have us confused.”

Nurse: “Your name is John Smith?”

Patient: “Yep.”

Nurse: “And I suppose your date of birth is also [date].”

Patient: “Yes.”

Nurse: “And you’re here for a scan?”

Patient: “Yes, I am.”

Nurse: “Well, this is an interesting coincidence.”

(She looks down at her computer.)

Nurse: “Ah, I see the problem. There are two different people named John Smith with the same birthday, who just happened to both have appointments for a scan within the same hour. I was looking for John M. Smith.”

Patient: “That’s me!”

(The nurse apologized and I got my scan not long after. It was a confusing few minutes, but at least I got a good story out of it!)

Operating Under Confusion
Children, Hospital, Nevada, Parents/Guardians, Stupid, USA | Healthy | November 20, 2019
(I work for a pediatric dental practice. We are currently at our surgical center where kids get put to sleep so we can do all of the work necessary. There’s loads of paperwork, normal doctor check-ups, and numerous confirmations that patients’ parents need to go through before we see them. We have a two-year-old girl that needs work on every single tooth; she’s been on our waitlist for surgery for two months. We are about to bring her back to the OR.)

Nurse: “Okay, sweetheart, time to say bye to Mommy.”

Mom: *looking so confused* “Wait, why is she saying bye?”

Nurse: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you aren’t allowed into the OR for sterilization purposes.”

Mom: “But how is she supposed to fall asleep without me reading her a story?”

Nurse: “The anesthesiologist–”

Mom: “The what?!”

Diagnosed With Not Quite Surgical Precision
Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, USA, Utah | Healthy | November 17, 2019
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(In college, I start getting severe fatigue; I am sleeping ten hours a night, getting an hour or two nap each day, and still feeling exhausted all the time. I go to the student health center where they do some blood tests and diagnose me with hypothyroidism, where my thyroid doesn’t produce enough hormone. I am given a prescription for the generic of a synthetic thyroid hormone, and things improve drastically for several months. But after I have my prescription filled at a different pharmacy, I start having different symptoms: anxiety, feeling jittery all the time, being unreasonably cold, etc. I go back to the health center where they run more blood tests. This is what happens at the followup appointment when those blood test results come back.)

Doctor: “So, your thyroid hormone levels are much too high. You have hyperthyroidism.” *goes into treatment options, which basically boil down to either radiation to kill off part of my thyroid or surgery to remove part of it*

Me: “Okay. Well, before we start talking about surgery, don’t you think we should try reducing my [medication] dosage?”

Doctor: *stares at me for a second, then reads my chart more carefully* “Ah. Yes, yes, we should probably try that first.”

(A DIFFERENT doctor in the health center was able to explain that I’m in a small group of people that are sufficiently sensitive to thyroid hormone that the different levels in different generic brands can act like a completely different dosage, meaning that I need to be on the name brand to ensure my dosage stays constant. We put me on the name brand and I didn’t have any more problems, and I never saw the other doctor again.)

Conversational Heart Failure
Jerk, Medical Office, Pennsylvania, Reception, USA | Healthy | November 15, 2019
(I have myriad medical issues which give me some bother. I have an appointment with my primary care doctor. This office knows about all of my conditions. I get to the building and ride the elevator to the fourth floor. I get into the office and go to the check-in desk. There are two office workers there. One I know; the other I don’t. The worker who I don’t know goes to check me in and sees I’m breathing quite heavily.)

Worker: “Walk the steps today?”

Me: “No. I have congestive heart failure.”

(The worker couldn’t get her foot out of her mouth, it was wedged in so deeply. The other worker, the one I knew, just burst out laughing so hard that she spit out part of her sandwich. I did let the first worker off the hook and said I didn’t care what she said. I was not offended at all. It was just too funny.)

Can’t Equate Numbers To Notes
Connecticut, High School, Jerk, Schoolmates, USA | Healthy | November 13, 2019
(My high school chemistry teacher is a very stern, organized lady. One of my friends is very bright but not organized at all, and he hates the very structured reports we have to make of our chemistry labs. He is constantly getting points off for one detail or another. One facet of these reports is that they are required to have two columns: one for equations and one for long-form notes. One lab, my friend and I are partnered and he actually is trying to do his report properly. The chemistry teacher comes to look over our work and taps his chemistry notebook disapprovingly.)

Teacher: “You haven’t labeled these columns; how am I supposed to know which is equations and which is notes?”

Friend: “See the one with numbers in it? That’s the equations column.”

(My friend immediately looked horrified with himself. He and the teacher just stared at each other for a long moment, and then she finally just huffed and moved on to the next group. I do realize that such labels are probably useful in a real laboratory, but to be fair to my friend, the teacher did sort of set herself up for that!)

One Ring To Rue Them All
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, Pharmacy, USA | Healthy | November 13, 2019
My mom has an accident at work and spills boiling water directly on her hand, badly burning several of her fingers, one of which happens to be the finger she wears her wedding ring on. Her boss drives her to a nearby pharmacy clinic where she is seen by the on-call doctor.

At this point, her fingers have swelled a lot, locking her wedding ring on her finger and causing painful constriction. It’s clear that the ring needs to be removed. My mother is assuming they will cut the ring off of her finger, which she is sad about, but at this point, she’s much more concerned about relieving the intense pain she is in. The doctor comes into the room and quickly examines her hand, saying, “What a beautiful ring! It would be such a shame to damage it by cutting it off!”

He then proceeds to forcibly yank the ring off of her finger past the swelling, putting my mother in even more pain and tearing open the blisters that have started to form.

She has since healed and is relieved to be able to wear her ring again and not need to pay to have it fixed, but she isn’t sure it was worth all of the pain and the extra time it took to recover due to the blisters being torn.

A Shot Of Ignorance
Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Jerk, Patients, The Netherlands | Healthy | November 11, 2019
(One evening, I get the call every person with an elderly relative fears: my 90+ grandma has fallen down and can’t get up. Luckily, she ended up next to the phone; she actually tripped as she was walking over to it because it was ringing. Since everyone else in our small family is either on vacation, not on speaking terms with Grandma, or living in a nursing home on the other side of town and not in possession of a driving license — or their full mental faculties — I am the only one who can help her out. I race over, hoping it’s just a case of having to help her up because she is in an awkward position, but as soon as I walk in the door and see the unnatural angle of her leg, I know we have a fracture on our hands and have to go to the hospital. We end up in an examination room at the ER, waiting for either the x-ray nurse or the neurologist, whoever shows up first. The neurologist has been called because Grandma hit her head on the stone windowsill when she fell, which caused a small wound and a bit of blood. That wound is the cause of the following conversation with a very chipper ER doctor.)

Doctor: “Well, Mrs. [Grandma], I know you’re waiting for the x-ray nurse and the neurologist, but I’m neither; I’m just here to give you a little tetanus shot.”

(My grandma is neither stupid nor suffering from dementia, but she has never had more than an elementary-school education, and apparently, she never learned what a tetanus shot is, leading to this little gem:)

Grandma: “A tetanus shot? What is that for?”

Doctor: “Well, ma’am, that’s for what we call ‘street dirt’–“

Grandma: *interrupting indignantly* “Street dirt? I fell inside my own home!”

(She sounds like she thinks what the doctor said is the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard, and he and I simply couldn’t contain our laughter. The doctor gives a brief explanation of what a tetanus shot is for, but too brief, apparently, because as soon as he is out the door…)

Grandma: “[My Name], what was all that about? I don’t get it. My house is clean!”

(I gave her a much more expansive explanation of germs, and why even her nice clean house wasn’t free of them. She was pretty horrified, but finding out her femur was broken soon took precedence. She could laugh about it later, though, when I mimicked her indignant tone. She almost sounded insulted at being associated with any kind of dirt.)

Mothers Are Fighters
Awesome, Hospital, Inspirational, New York, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | November 10, 2019
Two years ago, I was admitted into the hospital for seven weeks via the ER. In good weather, the hospital is roughly an hour away. My boys were three and eight at the time and I had been a stay-at-home mom for most of their lives. My parents stepped up and helped keep the kids on a regular pattern of school, therapy, and play dates along with FaceTiming me. My husband would drive two round-trips a day to stay with me, see our kids, take care of our pets, and work.

This pattern repeated itself over again for the next six months, and at one point, I was told to start preparing my boys for life without me. The staff at the hospital was amazing. They tried their best to give me a room that faced outwards so I could see the sunset. They made sure I could be unhooked from chemo and transfusions when my boys got to visit. Then, they completely surprised us on Christmas when they gave us a Christmas party in my hospital room.

There were presents, food, and joy even though it was extremely hard to be there. They helped me fight even when I was beyond exhausted.

They became my family and even now we all stay in touch. They were complete angels that helped our family get through an extremely scary time.

I’m now in remission and hopefully will get the “cured” status once I reach five years in remission.

Allow Me To As-cyst You
Hospital, Mexico, Mexico City, Silly | Healthy | November 8, 2019
(I’m a licensed nurse. I work at a hospital, and I also make some money on the side by assisting a dermatologist at a private clinic when she needs an extra pair of hands for surgery. This patient has a cyst under the skin beneath her hair.)

Patient: “You have done this before?”

Me: “Sure! It’s actually pretty simple. We make an incision on your skin right here, drain the cyst, clean around, and sew you back up. I’m going to numb the area, so you won’t even feel a thing.”

Patient: “All right, then.”

Me: “Uh… look, honey, I’m going to have to shave your hair — a tiny spot right here — so that the doctor can see. I know, I know you won’t like that — no girl ever does — but I have to. Don’t hate me!”

Patient: *shrugs*

Me: *cuts the hair, and shaves the area*

Patient: *completely deadpan* “Oh, no, look at what you’ve done. Now I hate you.”

You Can’t Cough This Up To Cultural Differences
Australia, Health & Body, Jerk, Medical Office, Non-Dialogue | Healthy | November 7, 2019
I came into work today to hear my coworker, the office supervisor, in a high-volume discussion with a patient in another language. I don’t speak any other languages besides English, but I could tell the patient was agitated and my coworker was trying to neutralize it.

I let her handle that and helped other patients before my shift officially started. Later, she revealed the reason. Apparently, the patient was having an ultrasound with our chief sonographer. The patient was coughing on the sonographer, so they asked the patient to cover their mouth. The patient got offended by that and left the room in the middle of the scan. The patient commented things such as, “She shouldn’t be in the industry if she can’t take sick patients.”

My coworker tells me that in their culture coughing is open. They aren’t told to cover their mouths.

All three– the patient, sonographer, and coworker — are the same nationality.

Anti-Vaxxers Holding Out Until The Last Drop
Dallas, Jerk, Medical Office, Parents/Guardians, Stupid, Texas, USA | Healthy | November 5, 2019
(I work in the billing department for an emergency clinic, and I get a call from an upset mother.)

Mother: “I will sue you all! How dare you treat my son with [medical shot]?! It’s against our religion to do this! I didn’t sign any form to give consent!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, let me look up his information.”

(I look up the information. The day we treated her son was the day he turned eighteen; he was old enough to have any medical treatments without parental consent.)

Me: “Ma’am, I have it here that your son was eighteen the day he was treated. There’s nothing else I can tell you or discuss with you unless he calls and tells us it’s okay for us to talk to you.”

Mother: “That’s f****** ridiculous! He was not officially eighteen!”

Me: “It says on his driver’s license that he was eighteen on the day he was seen.”

Mother: “NO! He was born at 4:00 pm! He was seen at 10:00 am! He wasn’t officially 100% eighteen!”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t go by the time of birth. We go by date of birth.”

This Relationship Has Teething Problems
Bad Behavior, France, Hospital, Strangers | Healthy | November 4, 2019
(I’m a dental student. During our fourth year, all of us have to do a week-long rotation at the ICU to provide “dental healthcare” to comatose patients — basically brushing their teeth with an iodine scrub and calling it a day. One of the patients is conscious but intubated, and he speaks using a whiteboard. After I finish brushing his teeth, a nurse comes into the room and makes small talk.)

Nurse: “So, I heard that [Woman] visited you yesterday, huh?”

(The patient nods.)

Nurse: “That’s nice! Also, your daughters called this morning; they want to come a bit later.”

Patient: *on the whiteboard* “Did they say what time?”

Nurse: “During the afternoon. They were afraid you’d get bored and alone, though, so I told them not to worry since [Woman] came by.”

(I see the patient’s eyes widen and he starts furiously scribbling on his whiteboard.)

Patient: “THEY DON’T KNOW ABOUT [WOMAN]!”

(I had to leave the room and didn’t stop laughing for a good five minutes.)

It Can Cause Anxiety To Diagnose Anxiety
Australia, Doctor/Physician, Jerk, Medical Office | Healthy | November 3, 2019
(In Australia, we have a universal healthcare program called Medicare which covers a significant portion of our medical bills. If you want to see a psychologist, Medicare will often cover 50-100% of the bill for ten sessions. However, you first have to go to a GP and get a referral to qualify. I have been struggling with my anxiety recently, so I went to the GP for a referral.)

GP: “How can I help you today?”

Me: “I’m looking to get a referral to a psychologist to help me with my anxiety.”

GP: “You’re a uni student, right?”

Me: “Yes. Working on my Masters.”

GP: “Do you really need a psychologist? I mean, it’s the end of the semester. All your classmates are stressed, just like you are. I’m sure how you’re feeling is no big deal.”

Me: “Right… and are all of my classmates having panic attacks in front of their student support officers because the support officer tried to start up a conversation about finding a job after graduation?”

GP: “Um… no.”

Me: “And is that something a mentally healthy person does?”

GP: “No. I’ll write you a referral.”

Your Treatment Of Hypermobility Is Making Me Hypertense
Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, Jerk, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | October 31, 2019
(This story has taken about five years to come to a close. When I was seventeen, I started having awful fatigue problems, sleeping up to fourteen hours a day, and being constantly exhausted. I’ve always been fairly healthy, hiking for fun and rock climbing on a weekly basis, but after a while, I became so tired and my joints and muscles started hurting so much that I couldn’t exercise anymore. Because of this, I put on some weight. At nineteen, I go to the doctor because I’m in constant pain and believe I may have hypermobility.)

Doctor #1 : “So, what’s the problem today?”

Me: *explains the last two years of problems, and how a friend showed me a list of hypermobility symptoms which seem to match up with what I’m experiencing*

Doctor #1 : “Okay, well, I’m actually the hypermobility specialist for this surgery so I’m going to take you through a series of tests.”

(He takes me through the tests, including touching the floor with my legs straight, bending my fingers and arms, etc.)

Doctor #1 : “Right, well, you definitely don’t have hypermobility; I don’t know how you got that idea in your head. You just need to lose some weight and you’ll be fine.”

Me: “How am I supposed to do that if I’m in pain all the time?”

Doctor #1 : “Oh, just take some painkillers, exercise more, and eat less junk food. You’ll be fine.”

(Miserable, but believing him, I spend the next three years in increasing pain, eventually unable to work, socialise, or do any of my old hobbies because I’m so exhausted all the time. I fall into a deep depression, believing that I’m making it up and that I’m just lazy. Finally, after counselling and heaps of support from my friends, I get an appointment at the closest rheumatology clinic.)

Doctor #2 : “All right, how can I help you today?”

Me: *twists my neck, making three to four loud pops on each side*

Doctor #2 : *blinks in surprise* “Oh… are they all like that?”

Me: “Yup. I can crack pretty much every joint in my body, including my elbows and my kneecaps.”

Doctor #2 : *after she takes me through all the same tests for hypermobility as the first doctor and a pressure point test to check for fibromyalgia* “Well, you’re definitely hypermobile in your upper body — anyone could see that — and the swelling around your knees is particularly concerning. I’m going to send you off for some tests and give you a prescription for an anti-inflammatory painkiller tablet. If it’s not enough, come back and I’ll give you some more. I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with this for five years!”

(Now, after a year and a half of unemployment, I have a job I love and am able to do with energy left over for twice-weekly climbing sessions and plenty of socialising. Thank you to the second doctor I saw, and to the first doctor? F*** you.)

Give Thanks For Fewer Scams
Canada, Geography, Holidays, Jerk, Liars/Scammers | Healthy | October 28, 2019
(On Canadian Thanksgiving Day, an hour before supper, I’m scrambling preparing food when the phone rings and, lo and behold, I’ve won a cruise! Frustrated at the timing, I let it go to the operator…)

Me: “Hi. It’s Thanksgiving evening suppertime and I don’t appreciate being called. Please take me off your list.”

Scammer: “It’s not Thanksgiving.”

Me: *dumbfounded that they don’t even know where they’re calling* “I’m in Canada, you knob. It’s Thanksgiving here. Take me off your list, please.”

Scammer: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Scammer: “No. Not until you say sorry for calling me a knob.”

(Granted, I shouldn’t be calling people names, but considering the circumstances…)

Me: “Yeah, that’s not going to happen now. You may be in America, but in Canada it’s Thanksgiving and your scam is interrupting our supper.”

Scammer: “I’m not really American. One of my parents is Mexican and the other is American.”

Me: “How’s that relevant? Please take me off your list.”

Scammer: “Just America is better and we earn money way faster than you.”

Me: “I doubt that at a scam job, and I’ll stick with my free healthcare, thanks.”

Scammer: “We out-earn you, and this isn’t a scam.”

Me: “Really? I really won a free cruise?”

Scammer: *perks up* “Yes, you did, ma’am!”

Me: “No, I didn’t. Take me off your list and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!” *hangs up*

(I was thankful to get off the phone.)

Don’t Let The Anti-Vaxxers See This
Colorado, Doctor/Physician, Jerk, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 28, 2019
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I’ve recently found out that I’m pregnant and visited my primary care doctor to make some updates to my current medications. Please keep in mind that last week I had a sinus infection and lung spasms which resulted in me needing antibiotics and an inhaler.)

Primary Doctor: “So, you’re pregnant! While I know you don’t like the flu shot, it’s important that you get one. We can do that today. If a pregnant woman doesn’t get the flu shot, and gets the flu, she’ll end up in the hospital.”

Me: “It’s not that I don’t ‘like’ the flu shot. It’s that I’ve had very bad reactions to it before.” *something I’ve explained every visit and do so again*

Primary Doctor: “Well, it’s really important that you do it; otherwise, you’re putting not only yourself but the baby at risk. There’s no known risk with you getting the flu shot, and if you don’t, that’s dangerous.”

Me: “I’ll think about it, but since I’m recovering right now I’m not comfortable doing it today. I suppose I could do it at the end of next week?”

(Fast forward to the next day when I have an appointment with an OB/GYN, who is retiring but is giving me a referral.)

OB Doctor: “So, since you’re pregnant, we do recommend that you have the flu shot.”

Me: “Yes, my primary doctor said the same yesterday, but I’ve said I’d like to hold off for a week or so. I’d just rather not do it, but my primary said it’d be dangerous.”

OB Doctor: “Why don’t you want it?”

Me: “Years ago, I worked for a company that required us to have flu shots due to the medical nature. For two years in a row, after receiving the flu shot, I ended up in the ER within two weeks of receiving it with respiratory issues each time. I felt like I could not breathe and ended up on a lot of different medications, and never had anything like that before or after those two shots. After this happened the second time, the employer gave me a waiver. I haven’t had a flu shot since then and have only had the flu once in fifteen years.”

OB Doctor: “Wow! But your primary care doctor is saying you need it? Well, here’s the thing… we doctors act like we know everything based on the training we receive. We don’t. It is far too much of a coincidence for that to have happened to you two years in a row, but not since. I don’t want you to get the flu shot. If you do get the flu, there are options such as tamiflu, or yes, you may end up in the hospital, but that’s better than dead!”

Me: “Thank you so much for saying that; other doctors have told me I’m wrong and it’s so nice to have what I experienced validated. I’m not unreasonable.”

Doctor: *as he’s leaving the room* “Don’t get the flu shot! Do not let them kill you!”

She Will Not Neglect To Tell You
Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Lazy/Unhelpful, USA | Healthy | October 27, 2019
(I’m in the ER for what I later learn is a massive kidney stone. I’m on disability and Medicaid, which of course I tell the desk, so they can bill it appropriately. A doctor comes in later.)

Doctor: “We’re going to keep you overnight and give you [pain medication] to help.”

(He leaves without any more information. At this point, I’ve only received Tylenol, which is doing nowhere near enough for the level of pain I’m at. I’m moved to a different unit in the hospital, and for the next eight hours, I’m in a painful daze as I still didn’t get medication. Word gets to my mom, who, while having the voice and appearance of a fairy godmother, also knows when people aren’t doing their jobs. She comes to visit and speak with a nurse.)

Mom: “Has she been given any medication?”

Nurse: “No, until [Doctor] actually sends through the order we can’t give her anything but Tylenol.”

Mom: “What?! He saw her early this morning and he hasn’t done something this simple?!”

Nurse: “I know, ma’am. I’ve tried paging him and he keeps saying he’ll get to it.”

Mom: “Can you page him up here?”

(I can see the nurse get a HUGE grin.)

Nurse: “Absolutely, ma’am. Just one minute!”

(After even more painful waiting, the doctor finally comes in. He looks bored and annoyed at having to come personally to me.)

Mom: “Are you her doctor?”

Doctor: “Yes, ma’am.”

(As soon as he confirms, my mom TEARS into him. She yells about how I’ve been suffering, how she got a call from a nurse about me being here, how I didn’t know what was going on and wasn’t given anything because of his incompetence. The man looks utterly terrified.)

Mom: “Now, you are going to get her whatever medications she needs right now. I am going to make some phone calls that are going to make your life h*** because I sincerely doubt my daughter is the only one who’s been treated this way by you!”

(I was blissfully medicated within the hour. My mom did, in fact, make some calls. I was quickly assigned a new doctor, and later found out the first one was fired for patient neglect.)

The Number One Problem For Check-Ups
Australia, Pets & Animals, Vet, Western Australia | Healthy | October 25, 2019
(I have three ferrets, all due for a checkup. First ferret, fine but getting old. Second ferret, perfect health. When the vet picks up the third and starts feeling his little fuzzy abdomen, his face falls.)

Vet: “Hmm. Have you noticed that he’s got quite a large lump here? In his abdomen?”

Me: “No, I had no idea.”

Vet: “Okay. Hm. So, it seems very close to his prostate, maybe even on his prostate, so that’s quite worrying. It’s really large; are you sure you haven’t felt it before?”

Me: *starting to freak out a little bit* “No, definitely not.”

Vet: “Okay, well, I’m going to take him out the back and we’ll do a little ultrasound. Don’t panic; there’s a good chance it could be something benign, and if it isn’t, we have options, okay? I’ll be back in a minute.”

(I sit in the consulting room for ten minutes, wringing my hands, wondering if one of my pets has cancerous tumours and how I couldn’t have noticed. The vet comes back, still holding my ferret.)

Vet: *putting my ferret down on the examination table* “Okay, so, we did an ultrasound, and we’re at a little bit of a loss. It doesn’t look like anything I’ve seen, so we’re going to have to either biopsy or…”

(He trails off, as my ferret has toddled over to the sink and started urinating. It goes on for a very long time.)

Me: “Oh, geez, I’m sorry! He’s never done that before.”

Vet: “Well, better there than on the table, right?”

(He pauses, realisation dawning on him. He picks up my ferret once he’s finished his business, and feels the abdomen again.)

Vet: “So. Uh. This is a little awkward, but good news! He doesn’t have a tumour.”

(It turns out, my little boy was too polite to pee on a person or on the examination table, even while people were touching and scanning his large and very full bladder. They didn’t charge me for the ultrasound.)

All Of The Above
Pharmacy, Stupid, USA | Healthy | October 23, 2019
(One of my medications is delivered to my home through a specialty pharmacy. Every month they call to verify my information and see if anything has changed. At the end of our conversation, the Home Delivery Pharmacist — HDP — reverifies my medical history before finalizing the order.)

Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Okay… I see here this is from [Hospital Doctor]. Did you see him recently?”

Me: “Yes, while I was in-patient at [Hospital] last month.”

Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Okay. Have you been to the ER, had an infection, or been hospitalized in the last 90 days?”

Me: “Yes, all three.”

Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Which one?”

Me: “All of them.”

Home Delivery Pharmacist: “No. ER, infection, or hospital. Which one?”

Me: “Um… all of the above. All three.”

Home Delivery Pharmacist: *annoyed* “No, ma’am. Were you in the ER, did you have an infection, or were you hospitalized in the last 90 days?”

Me: “Yes! I went to the ER because I couldn’t breathe. I found out I had a lung infection and I was hospitalized for 21 days.”

Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Oh.” *sour tone* “You could have just said yes. We’ll ship this tomorrow.” *hangs up*

Those Prices Are Not Healthy
Government, Hospital, Japan, Money, Non-Dialogue | Healthy | October 21, 2019
I’m an American living and working in Japan. One day, I get severely ill, so I call an ambulance and am taken to the hospital. It turns out to be an easily treated condition, but they keep me in for observation overnight.

During checkout the next day, they keep warning me and apologizing that payment will be expensive, even with my insurance. “I’m so sorry but it will be pricey,” is something I hear from several people.

At that point, I’m a little worried about the cost, but checkout is almost done and they present me with the bill — about ¥30,000, a little under $300 US.

I surprise them when I start laughing, then horrify them when I say that an ambulance ride, hospital stay, and followup medication in the US would easily add up to at least ten times that price!

Circumcise What I Just Said From Your Minds
Australia, Hospital, Nurses | Healthy | October 20, 2019
(I have just given birth to my son and am with the nurse who is head of the maternity section. It just happens that we went to school together.)

Nurse: “So, we just have to get some things out of the way. First, do you want him circumcised?”

Me: “No, definitely not.”

Nurse: “Thank goodness. Do you know how horrible it is? They do it without anaesthesia and basically just cut the foreskin off with scissors. The poor babies go through so much pain, it makes me sick every time a parent wants it done, and I’m not allowed to try to talk anyone out of it or… um… say what I just said.”

Not What They Mean By Getting Plenty Of Bed Rest
Assisted Living, Golden Years, Michigan, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | October 19, 2019
(A group of residents with varying stages of dementia is sitting around a table having coffee near my desk in the front lobby. One of them asks a question of the others…)

Resident #1 : “What happened to my hand?”

(She has a bruise over her wrist and the back of her hand.)

Resident #2 : “You fell out of your bed, remember? You landed on it.”

Resident #1 : “Oh! I must have been having a good time in bed!”

(Both women cracked up laughing while the two men with them looked shocked. I managed to hold it together so they didn’t know I was listening in.)

Don’t Grit Your Teeth To This
Assisted Living, Golden Years, Sweden | Healthy | October 18, 2019
(I am helping an old lady getting ready for bed one evening at the nursing home. A part of that includes assisting her with brushing her teeth. Some old people have dentures, and I can’t remember whether this lady has or not.)

Me: “Do you have your own teeth?”

Resident: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “Okay, then, here’s your toothbrush.”

(The lady then pops out her dentures.)

Me: “I thought you had your own teeth?”

Resident: “I do. I bought and paid for them myself.”

Smoking? There’s An App For That
Bad Behavior, Hospital, Kansas, Nurses, USA | Healthy | October 17, 2019
(I am in the hospital after falling down a flight of stairs. My ankle is fractured.)

Me: “Excuse me. Can you please hand me my phone?”

Nurse: “No.”

Me: “What? Why not?”

Nurse: *huffy* “Well, it says on your chart that you’re a smoker. I’m not going to give you your phone so you can buy more cigarettes.”

Me: “I wasn’t planning on buying anything; I wanted to update my family and friends.”

Nurse: “I don’t believe you. I know your kind. You think you’re special because you destroy your body with drugs. I’m not letting you buy drugs!”

Me: “All right, let’s see what a patient advocate thinks about what you just said.”

Nurse: *goes pale and hands me my phone*

(Later, when I told my dad about it, he told the doctor, who rolled his eyes and said we weren’t the first to complain.)

Choked By Your Own Doctor
Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Iowa, Jerk, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 16, 2019
(I’ve had serious sinus/throat/ear problems for most of my life, along with pretty severe anxiety disorder; it’s so bad I was put on anti-anxiety meds at eight years old. Unfortunately, since I have an anxiety disorder, most of my problems have been brushed off as panic until they’re either too late to fix properly or until I fight with the doctors. I miss a pretty good bit of school because my ears hurt or I feel like I am choking, and I will go to the doctor each time. Each time, the pediatrician tells me, “It’s just a viral infection,” or, “It’s just your anxiety acting up.”)

Me: “I really don’t think this is viral; I’ve been coming in every month or so for two years or so.”

Doctor: “It’s just viral. I think you just like getting out of school, too.” *nudge nudge wink wink*

Me: “Uh, no. My grades are taking a hit. I can barely breathe and I feel like I’m choking constantly. This is not a panic thing, and it’s obviously not viral; otherwise, it wouldn’t always come back. Maybe you should do your job and actually figure out what’s wrong?”

Mom: *staring in shock because I’m not one to smart off*

Doctor: “If you can smart off like that, then you don’t need to see a pediatrician any more!”

(My mom schedules an appointment at a different doctor’s office, with a different doctor. I’m freaking out because I’ve never seen another doctor before in my fifteen years and many, MANY doctors appointments.)

New Doctor: *looks in my mouth* “Oh, my God! Your tonsils are huge. Like, can you breathe at all?”

Me: “No, not really. I always feel like I’m choking.”

New Doctor: “These have to come out.”

(So, I got my tonsils out, along with my adenoids. The surgeon told me they were the biggest he’d ever seen. I no longer feel like I’m being choked to death constantly. But having your tonsils pulled out at sixteen sucks.)

With So Many Fillings He Has Become Very Dense
Dentist, Jerk, Michigan, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | October 15, 2019
Patient: “Why do I need an x-ray?”

Me: “To check for problems [Doctor] might have missed.”

Patient: “Problems like what?”

Me: “Cavities between your teeth and under your fillings, and gum disease.”

Patient: “If [Doctor]’s eyesight is so bad that he can’t even see cavities anymore, why is he still a dentist?”

Me: “There is nothing wrong with [Doctor]’s eyesight, sir. It would be impossible for anyone to look underneath fillings and in between your teeth.”

Patient: “So, I just let him poke around my mouth for nothing? Why didn’t you tell me that right away? I would have skipped the exam and just done the x-ray. Now I need to pay for something that is completely useless. You are ripping me off. I’ll get a second opinion.”

Me: “You are welcome to do that. But they’ll want to do an exam, as well.”

Patient: “I’ll tell them that you already did.”

Me: “They’ll still want to actually look at your teeth. Believe me.”

Patient: “So, you are trying to tell me that they’ll rip me off, too?”

Me: “Sir, an x-ray is more expensive than an exam.”

Patient: “Oh, if you do the x-ray, can I take that to my second opinion dentist?”

Me: “Yes.”

Patient: “So, I’m right. The exam is useless.”

Me: “Do you want an x-ray or not now?”

Patient: “Do I get a refund if you don’t find anything?”

Me: “No, you can’t get a refund.”

Patient: “You people are so greedy.”

Me: *speechless*

A Cyst-emic Problem In Healthcare
Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Minnesota, USA | Healthy | October 14, 2019
(I get fed up with my old doctor refusing to do anything other than tell me to “just lose some weight” and I go to a new clinic.)

Doctor: “I see you changed practices. Do you have any medical files with you or are they sending them over?”

Me: “They might send them over, but they’re going to be next to empty and claim I’m only overweight. My last doctor didn’t pay any attention to any of the symptoms I would tell him about. If it doesn’t happen in front of him he thinks it doesn’t happen ever, and all he would ever tell me is that I need to lose weight. I know I need to, but I’ve honestly been dieting and exercising and nothing has happened. I’ve had hormone problems my entire life, but he just kept telling me to eat better.”

Doctor: “That sounds… bad. Okay, tell me what’s going on with your hormones, and I’ll have a nurse come in and draw your blood for labs. You also seem to have a small lump on your neck.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m prone to cysts. I was going to get it looked at if it didn’t go away. Getting them drained isn’t pleasant, so I wait and see if they take care of themselves before I go in.”

Doctor: “I’ll take a look at it, anyway. You’re already here, might as well.”

(I leave the appointment satisfied that the doctor didn’t mention my weight at all except to ask if I’ve noticed any fluctuation with it. A week later, the doctor calls me back in.)

Doctor: “I ran your labs and, like I thought, you also high levels of testosterone. You have something called–“

Me: “Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS?”

Doctor: “Exactly.”

Me: “I asked my old doctor about that years ago since I’m prone to getting cysts on my ovaries, but he never tested me for it.”

Doctor: “Well, I did, and you definitely have it. You also seem to have some thyroid problems, and I’d like for you to get a biopsy of the lump on your neck.”

Me: “Really?”

Doctor: “Yes, since I saw you last week, it’s gotten bigger, and I don’t think it’s a cyst.”

(It wasn’t. It was a cancerous tumor on my thyroid. When the surgeon opened me up to remove it, cancer had already spread to the surrounding lymph nodes, which then also had to be removed. After some radiation and chemo, I’m in remission, but if I had stayed with the old fat-shaming doctor, I’d be dead. Thankfully, that doctor retired and no longer “treats” patients.)

What A Diabeetus, Part 10
Jerk, Optometrist/Optician, Patients, Reception, USA | Healthy | October 13, 2019
(I work as a receptionist and an assistant for an optometrist. Multiple patients are very ignorant about optometry; they say they need to update the “medicine” in their glasses or tell me I shouldn’t set their glasses down a certain way because the “medicine will drain out,” among other similar statements. Some people just don’t understand that it is the way lenses are shaped and that fixes their vision, not an actual medication. But some people top the cake. This patient has insurance.)

Patient: *answering my questions* “Yeah, I do have diabetes, but what does that matter? I’m just getting my eyes checked for glasses!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I understand. However, if your sugar levels aren’t stable it can cause a drastic change in your prescription. For that reason, since you have stated you are almost never stable, the doctor may find it in your best interest to check you and have you come back in a couple of weeks, at no extra charge, to make sure the prescription does not fluctuate before finalizing it. This is to ensure you do not purchase lenses that may not work in a few weeks. However, the doctor will discuss this further with you in the exam room to see if this applies to you or not.”

Patient: “You saw my [relative] a few months ago and this wasn’t an issue! You’re just trying to scam me! Her blood sugar is never stable, either!”

Me: “Ma’am, like I stated, it is truly up to the doctor, and you may not have to come back. Also, the followup would not charge you any extra.”

Patient: “Fine. I don’t want to be seen. I’ll go somewhere that knows what they are doing! You just didn’t bother with all of this with [relative] because she was a cash payment!”

Me: “No, ma’am, that is certainly not the case. Each patient is different. In this case, I will guess that the doctor was okay with finalizing her prescription based on the exam, and that just might be your case, as well. I am just informing you of the possible outcomes. Also–“

Patient: *cutting me off* “NO! I DO NOT WANT TO BE SEEN! I NEED MY EXAM. TODAY! NOT IN A FEW WEEKS! I’M DONE WITH THIS AND I’M LEAVING!”

(The patient storms out of the office. The doctor has just finished the exam before her.)

Doctor: “Did you mention that she could possibly get it today, but I’d have to see her first?”

Me: “Yes, sir, but she seems to think we were trying to scam her because her [relative] got hers the same day, and since she’s using insurance, unlike her [relative], we’re trying to get more out of her and take advantage. I remember her [relative]’s name. I’ll pull her chart…”

(A few minutes pass as we’re looking over the relative’s chart.)

Me: “Huh… [Relative] said nothing about being diabetic or unstable with her blood sugar.”

Doctor: “Of freaking course. Did you get a chance to tell her we get paid more from insurance versus cash pay? So really, [Relative] got the better deal?”

Me: “Well, I tried, but she stormed out calling me a scammer and a dumba** before I could.”

(Yeah, our cash price can range from $20-80 LESS than what insurance pays us. It’s fun working in healthcare! I mean, we’re only there to write prescriptions and not check anything else, right? Trust me, your optometrist or ophthalmologist checks A LOT more than just your prescription. Gets your eyes checked, people, even if you don’t need correction. Sometimes health issues pop up with no signs!)

What A Diabeetus, Part 9
California, Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Jerk, Retail, USA | Right | August 31, 2019
(I work at a chocolate shop during the summer in order to help pay for college. This exchange happens at least three or four times a day. I live in a very rich yuppie town, full of dieters.)

Customer: “God! I don’t know how you work here. I could never! I’d gain about twenty pounds a day!”

Me: *currently overweight* “Uh-huh…”

Customer: “Or get diabetes! God, I’d just walk in and bam! Diabetes! Can you imagine how awful that would be?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Oh, hey, what’s that thing on your arm?”

Me: “The big one’s an insulin pump, and the small one is a blood sugar monitor. I’m a type 1 diabetic.”

Customer: “OH! Did you get diabetes from working here?”

Me: *sighs*

What A Diabeetus, Part 8
Doctor/Physician, Jerk, Medical Office, Oregon, USA | Right | August 5, 2019
(I have just moved from California to Oregon and need to get a new prescription for my asthma medication. I go to a doctor in my new city. I’m a new patient, so of course, he takes a bit of time with me going over all my stuff. Then, this exchange takes place. Note: I am an overweight guy, but not extremely.)

Doctor: “How long have you had diabetes?”

Me: “I don’t.”

Doctor: “Of course, you do; you are overweight. I’m going to write you a prescription for that. How long have you had high blood pressure?”

Me: “Was my blood pressure high when the nurse took it? I thought it was normal.”

Doctor: “It was normal, but I’m pretty sure you have high blood pressure, so I’m going to write you a prescription for that. I’m also going to write you a prescription for high cholesterol and one to help you lose weight.”

Me: “How do you know I have high cholesterol if you haven’t taken blood?”

Doctor: “I’m sure you do.”

Me: “What about my asthma medication?”

Doctor: “Oh, I’ll give you that, too.”

(I ended up leaving with the one prescription I needed, and four I didn’t ask for. I never went to him again. I found a better doctor who ran all my blood work and looked me over and said I didn’t need any of that, and that the weight loss drug had just been pulled off the market for causing heart issues.)