The Featherweight Watchers Program
GROCERY STORE, HEALTH & BODY, PETS & ANIMALS, STUPID | RIGHT | AUGUST 4, 2009
Customer: “I need to get a new box of this…” *hands me a box of birdseed*

Me: “Sure, was there a problem with it?”

Customer: “Yeah, it was messy. I had to keep picking through sticks to get to the good stuff.”

Me: “Wait, were you eating this? ”

Customer: “Uh-huh, just now, in my car. It’s good, but I had to keep picking through the sticks.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is actually birdseed. ”

Customer: “Oh, is it? Well, it’s pretty good. It just has a lot of sticks in it.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m a little worried that this might be dangerous for consumption by humans, so if you’ll hang on a minute, let me call someone.”

(I call Poison Control and they tell me she will be fine. The only problem is that the birdseed would have a high-fat content. I relay this to the customer.)

Customer: “Oh. Well, if it’s high in calories, I don’t want it!”

Not As Happy As A Clam
AT THE CHECKOUT, GROCERY STORE, MAINE, USA | RIGHT | JULY 18, 2013
(My friend and I are at a local market picking up chicken for her graduation party. While we’re waiting to pay, the phone rings and the cashier has to answer.)

Cashier: “Good afternoon… I’m afraid we are sold out of clams right now… Well, we get a shipment in tomorrow afternoon… Tomorrow afternoon… No, we are sold out right now… Yes, we get some tomorrow afternoon… Around one pm or so… Uhm, we’ll have them until they’re sold out… No, we are sold out right now… Why? It’s been very busy with the warm weather.” *sighs* “Tomorrow afternoon… Well, I’m really sorry that we don’t have any right now, but we’ve sold out. Okay, there’s a seafood store in town. Bye.”

(The cashier hangs up and looks annoyed.)

Cashier: “Sorry… just the chicken?”

Friend: *jokingly* “Yes, but do you have clams?”

Cashier: “Get out.”

Friend: “But whhhyyy! I want some noooooooowww!”

Cashier: “Well, you’re gonna have to wait. Sucks to be you!”

Friend: “You wanted to say that to the person on the phone didn’t you?”

Cashier: “You have no idea.”

Something To Shout About
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | JULY 7, 2016
(I’m walking into a local grocery store like any other day, when suddenly I hear a guy behind me shout something very loudly and incoherently for no discernible reason. Obviously, this scares the living daylights out of me. I turn around and see two men and a woman walking behind me. The woman, whom I assume to be the older gentleman’s wife, has clearly seen me jump out of my skin and smacks her arm across his chest in a scolding manner. I say nothing and go about my business. Later, as I’m checking out:)

Cashier: “I saw what happened when you came in. You okay?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m fine. A little unnerved, though.”

Cashier: “The guy who yelled at you was getting an earful from his wife when they came in.”

Me: “Well, I’d imagine so…”

Another Cashier: “No, she was PISSED! She said something along the lines of, ‘What the H*** is wrong with you?!’ and ‘You might be a walking heart attack waiting to happen but that doesn’t mean you can give someone else one!’”

(I and the other cashier started laughing. Later I found a note on my windshield saying, “Sorry my idiot husband scared you.”)

An Alarming Lack Of Overstock
GIFT SHOP, MARYLAND, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | JANUARY 15, 2019
(I shop I work at has a ton of artist-made, one-of-a-kind items. It’s is also quite small and built in a historic building.)

Customer: “Do you have this bowl in blue?”

Me: “I’m afraid what you see is all we have.”

Customer: “Could you check the back?”

Me: “All of our product is on display; we don’t have overstock.”

Customer: “Don’t be lazy! Just check the back room.”

Me: “There is no back room to check.”

Customer: “Then what’s that?”

Me: “That’s our back door.”

(The customer rolls their eyes and huffs but continues shopping. A few minutes later, the alarm shrieks out. The customer has opened the back door, setting off the alarm and stepping outside. I rush to disable the alarm, and there’s a minute of silence before I hear a knock at the back door. Outside, there’s a narrow, private alley locked on both sides by a tall gate, and the customer has obviously found himself caged in. I open the door to find him looking sheepish, and he quickly makes his way through the store to leave. I can’t help calling after him:)

Me: “Did you find overstock in the back room?”

They Have You At Check-Mate
CRAFT STORE | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 3, 2016
(This particular customer has come to our store multiple times and this always happens.)

Cashier: “May I please see an ID?”

Customer: “Sure, sure, but my name isn’t on the check. My husband’s name is on it and we have the same address though.”

(She pulls out her ID and hands it to the cashier.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry but unless your name is on the check, I can’t take this form of payment.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. I do this all the time. She let me do it before!”

(The customer points at me.)

Me: “No, ma’am, I did not. Our policy is that we cannot accept personal checks unless they have your name, which matches your ID, printed on it.”

Customer: “Come on, just take my check. I swear you’ve taken it before.”

(At this point she looks behind herself at the next customer.)

Customer: “Can you believe this! How ridiculous is this?”

Customer #2 : “Don’t look at me. I’m not going to help you try to get these girls fired.”

(After that the customer was just done. She left her cart full of things on the counter and stormed out all angrily.)

They Have You At Check-Mate
CRAFT STORE | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 3, 2016
(This particular customer has come to our store multiple times and this always happens.)

Cashier: “May I please see an ID?”

Customer: “Sure, sure, but my name isn’t on the check. My husband’s name is on it and we have the same address though.”

(She pulls out her ID and hands it to the cashier.)

Cashier: “I’m sorry but unless your name is on the check, I can’t take this form of payment.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. I do this all the time. She let me do it before!”

(The customer points at me.)

Me: “No, ma’am, I did not. Our policy is that we cannot accept personal checks unless they have your name, which matches your ID, printed on it.”

Customer: “Come on, just take my check. I swear you’ve taken it before.”

(At this point she looks behind herself at the next customer.)

Customer: “Can you believe this! How ridiculous is this?”

Customer #2 : “Don’t look at me. I’m not going to help you try to get these girls fired.”

(After that the customer was just done. She left her cart full of things on the counter and stormed out all angrily.)

Unfiltered Story #237975
USA, VIDEO GAME STORE | UNFILTERED | JULY 2, 2021
(I’m a teenage girl working in a game store.It’s a pretty quiet day)

Customer:Hello,I’m looking for a game for my daughter.
Me:Any type in particular?
Customer:Just a something appropriate for a 12 year old.Her aunt gave her a nintendo switch for her birthday.
Me:We have a few options.
(I show him several games and he settles on a fantasy game.A couple of days later he comes back,very angry.)
Customer:I want a refund for this!
Me:Sorry sir but we don’t offer refunds.I didn’t write the policy.Is there something wrong with the game?
Customer:YES!I can’t believe you gave me a game that’ll turn my baby girl to witchcraft!
Me:Sir,I did mention it’s a fantasy game.
Customer:You didn’t mention magic.I thought it’s fantasy in the sense that it’s unrealistic!

(Before I can respond,a woman comes in with a young girl.If looks could kill.)
Woman:Do you have any idea how mad I am right now?You bought your daughter a game and now you want to return it for a stupid reason?
Customer:I don’t want her to be a heathen!
Woman:Put your headphones in,honey.
Girl:I suggest you cover your years.*puts her earbuds in.*
Woman:You fucking idiot!What the hell happened to you?When I married you,you weren’t this shameless,idiotic bigot that hates anyone that’s not white,christian and straight.I’m glad I dumped your sorry ass before I wasted my life on you and that the judge gave me custody so you won’t screw up the only good thing(points to the daughter) that came out of our marriage.

(After a few more explicit words,the man walks out defeated.The woman took a few deep breaths to calm herself,excused her rude behaviour and bought an R rated shooting game for herself.)

Woman:My favorite kind of stress reliever.

Coming Out Can Be A Gamble
HOME | RELATED | JANUARY 30, 2013
(I’m at my boyfriend’s house. We were best friends, but fell in love pretty fast. We are gay, but he didn’t come out until today, so I’m there to support him. His father is sitting in the living room and surfing online, while his mother is right next to him knitting.)

Boyfriend: “Hey…um…I wanted to tell you that I’m gay. [Me] and I have been together for a long time.”

Father: *looking up and taking a deep breath* “So you are gay and [me] is your boyfriend?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah…” *visibly uncomfortable*

Father: *turning to mother* “You heard that? You owe me 20 Euro!”

When Things Go From Bad To Boss
RETAIL | WORKING | MAY 2, 2013
(It’s early morning before the store opens. I am finishing up the daily portion of the inventory, when my boss comes, looking haggard and harried.)

Store Manager: “Our sales are down, labor hours are cut, and I’m having problems with a couple of the department managers. I don’t know how I can get through this.”

Me: “Cheer up. It could be worse.”

Store Manager: “How? How could it be worse?”

Me: *deadpan* “[President of the company] is standing right behind you.”

(The store manager whips around, but sees no one there.)

Store Manager: “Don’t do that! You almost gave me a heart attack!”

Me: “What?! You asked me a question, and I answered it!”

The Collapse Of Human Decency
GROCERY STORE, KIOSK | RIGHT | AUGUST 1, 2014
(I work in the fuel kiosk at a popular chain grocery store. There is only one person in the kiosk at a time, unless cash office people are counting the safe money. I have not been feeling well, but come into work anyways.)

Cash Office Worker: “Could you shut the safe for me?”

Me: “Sure.” *notice a customer at the window and stand* “Hi, how can I—”

(Suddenly I get very dizzy and pass out, hitting my head on the concrete floor. When I come to, my coworker is standing over me.)

Cash Office Worker: “The manager is on his way, and an ambulance. Don’t try to sit up yet. Are you cold? Do you hurt anywhere?”

Customer: “ISN’T ANYONE GOING TO F****** HELP ME?!”

Cash Office Worker: “He’s been yelling for about two minutes now, even though he saw you pass out.”

(The manager comes running into the kiosk.)

Manager: “Is she okay? The ambulance is almost here. I heard the sirens.”

Me: “I’m okay but I think my head is bleeding.”

Customer: “ARE YOU THE MANAGER? GET YOUR LAZY-A** EMPLOYEES TO DO THEIR F****** JOBS!”

Manager: “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

(The customer not only stood there and yelled the entire time, but later filed a complaint against me!)

So Much For That First Impression
BOOKSTORE, MOVIES & TV, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 29, 2008
(We are accustomed to seeing celebrities walk into our store. One day, Forest Whitaker came in looking for a book. We played it cool and treated him like any other customer. Just as he was leaving, one of our regulars recognized him.)

Customer: “Oh my god! You’re Forest Whitaker! You were in [Movie]!”

Forest: “No, I wasn’t.”

Mission: Impossible, Part 2
AT THE CHECKOUT, RETAIL, SILLY | RIGHT | MARCH 16, 2008
(An elderly man comes into the store and buys two cigars, I place them in a bag and try to hand him his receipt.)

Elderly Man: “I don’t want that.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just throw it away for you.”

Elderly Man: “Don’t do that I need it!”

Me: “Here you are then.” *trying to hand it back*

Elderly Man: “What am I suppose to do with it?!”

Me: “You said that you needed it.”

Elderly Man: “I do! But where in the h*** am I supposed to put it!”

Me: “Your wallet or your pocket, maybe?”

Elderly Man: “It will get mixed up with everything else and I’ll have to dig it out and throw it away when I get home! I don’t want it!”

Me: “So you want me to throw it away for you?”

Elderly Man: “No, I need it to show my wife!”

Me: *confused* “Do you want it in your bag?”

Elderly Man: “Well that’s what it’s for, isn’t it–to carry things? What’s wrong with you trying to hand someone a receipt? Where the h*** would they put it?!”

(I placed his receipt in his bag and he left muttering about me. He became a regular after that, and never again did I hand him a receipt.)

Mission: Impossible
EDITORS' CHOICE, JERK, KEY SHOP | RIGHT | AUGUST 3, 2009
Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”

Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”

Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”

Me: “Open your car.”

Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer. You can’t touch it!”

Me: “Then how do I open it?”

Customer: “That’s your problem.”

Me: “Actually, it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”

Customer: “You have to open it.”

Me: “Watch me not open it.”

Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”

Me: “So, if I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

Always Right, Even When Ripping Themselves Off
RETAIL | RIGHT | MAY 26, 2009
(The store I work has two deals: a buy three, get the cheapest item free promo, and a 40% off the most expensive item coupon. The customer comes up with three equally priced items and hands me the coupon.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, you can’t combine offers so you’ll only be able to use one promo–buy two, get one free or the 40% off. You’d save more if you use the buy two, get one free offer so you can keep the coupon for another time.”

Customer: “Well, let me do two transactions then.”

Me: “I could, but then you’d be spending more than you’d need to.”

Customer: “Nooo… I’d get one free and one for 40% off!”

Me: “No, that’s not how it works. See, if you buy these two, you’d get this third item free. So you’d only be paying for two items. However, if you split them up, the “buy two, get one free” offer is no longer valid because you need three items to get one free. So you’d pay for two items and then on your second transaction, you’d be paying for a third item.”

Customer: “Yeah, but it’d be 40% off.”

Me: “Yes, but if you did it in one transaction, you wouldn’t have to pay for a third item at all.”

Customer: “Just let me do two transactions!”

Me: “Okay, okay, sorry, I’ll ring you out now.”

So Easy, Even A Caveman Can Cook It
RESTAURANT | WORKING | MAY 28, 2012
(Our sous-chef has been stirring a pot of pizza sauce on the gas stove for over an hour.)

Sous-chef: “Why won’t this sauce thicken?”

(I look underneath the pot and notice the stove isn’t turned on.)

Me: “Caveman must discover fire before he can cook his dinner.”

Raceless Accusations, Part 2
RETAIL | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2012
(On a very slow night, I’m helping our only customer with a coworker. I notice another customer enter the store, glance around, and disappear into the aisles. Once the other customer leaves, she approaches us carrying some items.)

Customer: “I can’t believe you didn’t help me when I came in.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we were helping the gentleman who just left.”

Customer: “Well, I just would like you to quit being racist and check me out.”

(My coworker and I are taken aback at the accusation, but I remain courteous.)

Me: “Um, sure.”

(At that moment, the customer sees a different coworker at a register.)

Customer: “Nevermind, I’ll just ask her.”

(The customer returns moments later, as it turns out my coworker’s register is closed. I hadn’t known the other one was closed, or else I would have warned her.)

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re all so racist here that you can’t even help me. I’ll call the NAACP on you, and they’ll crack down on this store!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. Would you like me to call the manager on duty to address your concern?”

Customer: “Yes, please do.”

(I radio in our manager on duty, who comes quickly to the register. He is one of two black men with management positions in the store, and we only have four managers.)

Me: “This is our manager for tonight. [Manager on duty], this woman has a concern she would like to address.”

Manager: *smiling* “How may I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: *deflates instantly and leaves in a huff*

Best Customer, No Question
AWESOME, MASSACHUSETTS, RETAIL, USA | WORKING | JULY 21, 2014
Associate: “Hi, any questions?”

Me: “No, just browsing.”

Associate: “Really? No questions? What’s my favorite color? What’s the capital of Iceland?”

Me: “Reykjavik.”

Associate: *high-fives me* “You are the first person to get that! You’re my favorite customer!”

(Gotta say, I left the store feeling pretty good after that.)

Nothing Makes You Feel Better Like A Scolding
HOSPITAL, JERK, MARYLAND USA, NURSES | HEALTHY | JULY 2, 2021
I was admitted to the hospital for a life-threatening illness. The doctors were amazing and saved my life. Because my recovery was critical, I was put in a private room and monitored closely by the nurses. Of course, my room had a sink in the bathroom, and in addition, it also had a sink close to my bed to serve the nurses and the constant bandage changes, etc. All the drugs and antibiotics they were giving made me nauseous all the time. The nurses were also great; if I had to go to the bathroom or throw up, they would help me to the bathroom and stay with me if needed.

One day, I was feeling pretty good, and then suddenly, I had to throw up. No warning, it just came rushing up my throat into my mouth. I clamped my mouth shut, slipped painfully out of bed, stumbled two feet, and grabbed the edge of that sink and up it all came. The nurse came and helped me, cleaned me up, and put me back in bed.

She called one of the nurse’s aides and asked her to clean up the sink. As I lay back down in bed and the nurse left, the nurse’s aide began scolding me for making a mess in the sink. What did she want me to do? Just lean over and blow chunks on the floor? Because that’s easier — mopping and cleaning the floor. If cleaning a mess in a sink is your limit, then you need to find a whole other career real fast!

You Should Warm Up Before A Stretch Like That
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, ENGLAND, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MEDICAL OFFICE, UK | HEALTHY | JULY 1, 2021
I am, by my own admission, rather overweight. I also have very painful periods, so I end up going on birth control to regulate them. As I am overweight, I have to get a blood pressure check every six months before I can get another prescription, so I’ve signed up with the University Doctors’ Surgery while I am studying at the other end of the country.

It’s a hot summer’s day when I come in for this appointment, and I’m wearing a short-sleeved shirt. As my appointment is deemed low-priority, I get assigned to whichever doctor is available, so I haven’t seen this doctor before.

After taking my blood pressure and removing the cuff, he spots some marks on my arms.

Doctor: “How long have you had those?”

Me: “Not sure. Maybe about a year?”

Doctor: “And you didn’t think of mentioning them before?”

Me: “I didn’t think they were a problem. Are they?”

Doctor: “They look like symptoms of excessive cortisol. It would explain why you have so much excess weight. If they are still there in six months, let us know. They’ll probably have to do brain surgery to fix it.”

Me: *Internally* “WHAT?!”

Me: *Externally* “Okay?”

I don’t deal with this news very well. My hair is the one feature I like about myself, and it seems like a massive thing, so I just go into denial and cover up the marks on my arms.

I’m still doing this when I go home for the holidays, even though it’s getting hotter, and my nan — who was a nurse before she retired — pulls me aside one day.

Nan: “Aren’t you hot in that, [My Name]?”

Me: “Yeah, but it’s okay.”

Nan: “You must be boiling!”

She keeps badgering me until I blurt out the whole story. She looks sceptical.

Nan: “Can I take a look at these marks?”

Reluctantly, I take off my jumper, and she looks at them for two seconds.

Nan: “When you go back for your next appointment, go to any other doctor; don’t go back to that moron. He’s seeing zebras.”

Me: “Huh? What do you mean?”

Nan: “Those are f****** stretch marks.”

So, six months of worry because a doctor didn’t recognise stretch marks. Great!

Isn’t Therapy Supposed To Be Therapeutic?
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, SWEDEN | HEALTHY | JUNE 30, 2021
I have been overweight for my entire life. It’s something I’ve come to terms with, and I don’t consider it to be the end of the world as long as it doesn’t prevent me from keeping an active lifestyle. I did a lot of damage to my body and psyche dieting in my youth and I don’t want to revisit those times, instead preferring to be as healthy as I can at the weight I happen to be at for the moment.

I also suffer from hypermobile joints. They make me overly flexible and occasionally give me pretty bad joint and muscle pain from overstraining them. They also put some limits on how physically active I can be, and I have to factor in recovery time every time I do something physically demanding. Again, I don’t consider it the end of the world, and after twenty years, I have a pretty good idea of how my body works and what I need to do to take care of myself.

I recently moved to a new town and have to deal with the hassle of finding a new physical therapist. I’ve put it off for too long, but after an intense period of getting my home in order and lifting heavy things, I can feel that I’ve overdone it and that I might need to change my PT routine a bit. I ask around, get a few recommendations, and make an appointment with a physical therapist who’s supposed to be an expert on my type of troubles. We have public healthcare in Sweden and this PT falls under that.

I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with members of the medical profession in the past, so whenever I meet someone new, I tell them that unless my weight is the direct cause of whatever medical issue I’m having at the time, I’d prefer not to discuss it.

Therapist: “Of course. Why don’t you tell me a little about what you’re dealing with?”

Me: “I recently moved into a new apartment and I’ve been carrying a lot of heavy boxes up and down the stairs, so my knees and shoulders are worse than usual, and my right hip is making this weird clicking sound that it hasn’t been doing before.”

Therapist: “Do you have an exercise program?”

Me: “Yes, I brought it with me. That’s my main reason for coming here. I want to know if there are any easier versions of these exercises that I can do while I wait for the pain to get better? I know I need to rest for a few weeks, but I don’t want to stop working out entirely.”

Therapist: *Looks at my program* “Oh, no, this won’t do at all. I’m going to give you some new exercises. How often do you do this program?”

Me: “I do the full one three times a week, and a shortened version every morning.”

The therapist shakes her head and starts compiling new exercises.

Therapist: “All right. You need to do this full program every day. We’ll go over to the gym and I’ll show them to you later. Now, I’d like to discuss your diet.”

I look at the program and I immediately see that this is not going to work for me. I asked for a lighter version of my normal program, but she’s given me a much tougher one and added several new exercises, including push-ups, which my last PT explicitly forbade me to do, ever, because my wrists can’t take it.

Me: “Sorry, I don’t think this is going to work. This whole program is going to take over an hour. I don’t have that much time every day. It’s also going to put too much strain on my joints, which are already hurting. That’s what I came here for!”

Therapist: “Well, honey, I know you don’t want to hear this, but your BMI is way too high. Unless you lose weight, you’re never going to get rid of the pain. I want you to do this program every day and add in at least thirty minutes of cardio every day, and now we’re going to talk about your diet. How often do you eat fast food?”

Me: *A little stunned* “Um, sometimes, I guess. But I prefer to cook for myself. Sorry, I think I said at the beginning of this appointment that I don’t want to discuss my weight.”

Therapist: “Yes, I understand that it makes you feel uncomfortable, but you need to face facts, honey. You can’t sit on your couch and eat fast food all day. You need to lose at least thirty kg or your pain is just going to get worse. How often do you eat vegetables? You know broccoli is very good for you, right? You need to eat more broccoli.”

Me: “I eat vegetables every day; I’m practically a vegetarian. Look, I know my weight doesn’t help matters, but I’m here because I’m in pain now, because I’ve overstrained myself, and I want to do something to make it better now, not in some kind of hypothetical future where I’ve magically lost thirty kg by eating broccoli. Can you help me with that or not?”

Therapist: “Honey, I can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself. I’m telling you this for your own good.”

Me: “I am aware that I am overweight. I have been overweight my whole life. I’m not here because I’m overweight. I’m here because I have overstrained my hypermobile joints, and your solution to my problem is to overstrain them even more?”

Therapist: “I know it’s hard to hear, but you need to take better care of yourself. I want to help you do that, but you need to put the work in yourself!”

At this point, I realised that there was no way I would get through to this woman, so I just stood up and left.

I didn’t really feel like making a new appointment with another physical therapist after that, so in the end I just ended up modifying my exercise program myself, and after a few weeks of active rest, I could go back to my normal routine. I’m still overweight, I still have hyper-mobile joints, and eating broccoli (which I do quite often because it’s delicious) hasn’t cured me.

They’ve Got This Pain Management Thing DOWN
BIZARRE, MEDICAL OFFICE, MICHIGAN, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 29, 2021
I work in a pain management medical office. We always ask the pain level our patients are experiencing when they come in.

Me: “And what is your pain level today on a scale of zero to ten, zero being no pain and ten being the worst pain you’ve ever experienced?”

Patient: “Oh, a ten.”

Me: “Really? Worse than childbirth, kidney stones, getting hit by a bus?”

Patient: “Yep.”

And then they went back to sitting comfortably in their chair and playing happily on their phone.

Paying Your Bills Should Be A Priority, But… Yikes
BILLING, HOSPITAL, IOWA, NON-DIALOGUE, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 28, 2021
I work in the accounts billable department of one of the two major hospitals in Iowa City. It’s my job, essentially, to explain to clients why the amount they have been billed isn’t what they expected.

I’m the low peon on the totem pole, being the newest hire. That means I get to deal with the clients face to face across the billing counter.

One lady is yelling at me about her bill, when suddenly she makes a very strange, strangled sound. I figure she’s having some sort of medical event, so I immediately press the emergency medical event call button.

This turns out to be a very good idea. The lady is wearing a fairly short-skirted pantsuit, so I can see her legs. Specifically, I can see the stitches on her right leg coming undone. First, the top stitch pops, then the next one, and then the next, faster and faster until she’s got an open gash from her garters to her ankles.

Despite this, and despite her collapsing almost immediately like a puppet with her strings cut, the client continues to weakly try to discuss her billing with me, even as the orderlies pick her up and transfer her to a stretcher to carry her right back into surgery.

Still in shock from this whole affair, I stare at the massive puddle of blood in the middle of the floor, and I make the mistake of asking my coworker who’s responsible for cleaning it up.

Turned out it was me.

It’s Called Healthyitis
BIZARRE, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HEALTH & BODY, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | APRIL 16, 2009
Me: “Thank you for waiting. My name is [My Name]. What is your call regarding?”

Patient: “Yeah, I want to ask the nurse a question.”

Me: “Is this regarding symptoms you are experiencing?”

Patient: “Yeah… well, kind of.”

Me: “What symptoms are you experiencing?”

Patient: “Actually, none.”

Me: “You are experiencing no symptoms?”

Patient: “Yeah… I have no pain and I just want to know if that is normal.”

Flattery, The Best Medicine
EMERGENCY SERVICES, HEALTH & BODY, MEDICATION, RESPECT YOUR ELDERS, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | AUGUST 26, 2008
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(An elderly lady falls down in her apartment and has a cut on her wrist.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, I am afraid, we have to go to the hospital. You will need stitches for that cut and an X-ray to make sure your wrist isn’t broken.”

Patient: “No, I don’t wanna go. Just give me a shot and it will be okay.”

Coworker: “You mean for the pain?”

Patient: “No, so it will heal!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t have this kind of medication.”

Patient: “But it worked last time!”

Coworker: “Someone gave you a shot and the wrist healed by itself?”

Patient: “No, my sugar was too high and they gave me a shot and everything was okay!”

Coworker: “I see… Well, I can’t fool you; you know this stuff! Listen, I can give you a shot for the broken wrist, but this counteracts the anti-sugar medicine. So every time your sugar is too high, you can never get a shot again.”

Patient: “Never ever?”

Coworker: “Never ever again…”

Patient: “So why didn’t you just say so in the first place?”

Coworker: “Well, not every patient has such an understanding of medicine as you, so I always try to keep it simple.”

Patient: “Okay, then let’s go to the hospital.”

Coworker: “Gladly.”

Honey, He Ain’t A Scrapbooking Project
EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, HOSPITAL, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, UK | HEALTHY RIGHT | JULY 16, 2008
(I witnessed this on the hospital floor where I work. A patient’s daughter comes out of a hospital room and stands in the hallway, staring around looking lost.)

Nurse’s aide: “Can I help you?”

Daughter: “Yeah… can I have a stapler?”

(The nurse’s aide walks about two steps away to get a stapler and then thinks better of this request.)

Nurse’s aide: “Why do you want a stapler?”

Daughter: “My dad’s IV tubing is getting in his way. I thought it would be better if we stapled it to his arm.”

Nurse’s aide: “Um, I think tape would work better for that.”

Daughter: “You guys have tape here?”

Nurse’s aide: “Yeah, I have some here in my pocket.”

(The aide walks into the room to secure the IV tubing before any more of his genius children try to help.)

Daughter: *muttering* “I still think a stapler is a better idea…”

Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death
HOSPITAL, JERK, LIARS/SCAMMERS, PATIENTS | HEALTHY | MAY 16, 2009
(I work in a hospital.)

Me: “What can I get you to drink, sir?”

Patient: “Coffee.”

Me: “Well, it looks like you’re on a cardiac diet, which means you can’t have caffeine.”

Patient: “You asked me what I wanted, and I want coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t give it to you.”

Patient: “This is ridiculous! I’ve been drinking coffee every morning for the last sixty years. I want my coffee!”

Me: “Sir. You are on a cardiac diet. That means that you can’t have caffeine, extra sodium, or fat. It could make your condition worse.”

Patient: *tries to pull a fast one* “My doctor told me I could have it.”

Me: “Well, your doctor needs to put it into our computer; otherwise, I could lose my job.”

Patient: “MY DOCTOR SAID I COULD HAVE IT!”

Me: “Sir, I know you’re lying. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be on this diet.”

Patient: “GIVE ME THE F***ING COFFEE!”

Me: *loses patience* “DO YOU WANT THE COFFEE OR DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?!”

Patient: *sheepishly* “Can I have apple juice?”

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Survival Of The Fittest In Action
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 14, 2009
Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

Me: “I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

Patient: “Yeah, check. I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!'”

Me: *pause* “A guy at the bar?”

Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills, and it really helped.”

Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

Patient: “Yeah, it really helped, and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout. So, is there an injection?”

Me: “Hold, please.”

(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and I explain the situation. She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

Me: “Oh. My. God.”

Hippocrates Is Rolling Over In His Grave
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, INSURANCE, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 13, 2009
Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Doctor: “I need to verify my patient’s coverage. Her number is [number].”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a problem and I can’t access that account. I will have to forward this issue over to our technical department, and they will get back to you as soon as possible.”

Doctor: “I need this information immediately. Can I talk to them now? It’s very important.”

Me: “I’m sorry, they are very backed up over there and everything is handled in the order it is received. You will be added to the queue and they will get back to you later today.”

Doctor: “What if she was dying and I needed her coverage information? What then?!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, if the patient was dying there in your office, I would hope you would treat her regardless of her insurance coverage.”

Doctor: “Well, yes — I mean… Just make sure they call me today.” *click*

Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio
FUNNY, PATIENTS, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 12, 2009
Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)

The (Brain) Damage Has Already Been Done
ALCOHOL, CALL CENTER, EMERGENCY SERVICES, GERMANY, HEALTH & BODY | HEALTHY RIGHT | MAY 6, 2009
(Note: 1-1-2 is Germany’s version of 9-1-1.)

Me: “1-1-2, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Help me! Help me!”

Me: “Calm down, please. Can you tell me what happened, if someone is hurt, and where you are?”

Caller: “I’m at home, and my brain stopped working!”

Me: “Your brain… stopped working? Sir, if your brain would stop working, you would be dead. Can you tell me exactly what happened? Are you bleeding?”

Caller: “No, no. But my brain stopped working! At least half of it! Oh, my god, will the other half stop working as well?! Will I die?! My wife was right! I can’t believe it!”

(At this point, I’m unsure what to do. The man is really in a state of panic, but sounds otherwise fine.)

Me: “Sir, is your wife at home? Can I speak to her? If not, please tell me exactly what you did when your… brain stopped working.”

Caller: “I watched soccer! And drank beer! My wife always told me ‘When you don’t stop that crap, your brain will stop working’ and now it did! I was sitting on the couch and turned my head to look at the clock and suddenly I can’t move my head anymore because the left side of my brain stopped working! Help!”

Me: “Sir, it sounds like you only cricked your neck!”

(I start describing him what a cricked neck feels like and he agrees that this is indeed his problem and that he’ll see a doctor in the morning. I’m about to end the call, when…)

Caller: “Hey, dude…”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Is she right?”

Me: “Who?”

Caller: “My wife. You seem to know a lot about medicine and stuff, so can my brain really stop working from watching too much soccer and drinking beer?”

Me: “Well, alcohol is known for indeed killing brain cells when you drink too much, but you won’t–”

Caller: “Oh, my god! Thank you! I thought she was only kidding me, but when you say it, then I’ll stop! Thank you so much for saving my life! Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, I didn’t say–”

Caller: *hangs up*

The CSR Of Delphi
BOOKS & READING, BOOKSTORE, HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS | HEALTHY RIGHT | AUGUST 5, 2009
Me: “Good evening, thank you for calling [Bookstore]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My husband is going in for a CAT scan, and he’s kind of claustrophobic. I was wondering what kind of equipment they use?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I really don’t have that kind of information. Maybe if you called your doctor?”

Caller: “It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday night! My doctor’s office is closed, duh! That’s why I’m asking you!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we really don’t have that information.”

Caller: “Well, you have books, don’t you? Why don’t you just go and look it up in a book?”

Me: “Ma’am, we do have a small selection of home reference medical books, but I can’t look it up for you.”

Caller: “Well, you have an intercom, don’t you? Why don’t you just page a doctor and ask him to come to the phone and talk to me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We really aren’t allowed to do that sort of thing.”

Caller: “Well, can you at least connect me with the information desk, or is that too much to ask?!”

Me: “This is the information desk.”

Caller: “Well, a fat lot of good you are!” *click*

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On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | JULY 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotics and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

Pint-Sized Purification
FUNNY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MEDICAL OFFICE, MEDICATION, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | JUNE 17, 2009
Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”

Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”

Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”

Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”

Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”

Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”

Caller: “What kind of doctors don’t prescribe detox meds?!”

Me: “Pediatricians… ”

Caller: “Oh!” *hangs up phone*

The Flesh Is Bright But The Mind Is Dimming
HEALTH & BODY, HOSPITAL, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | JUNE 8, 2009
Me: “Okay, sir, just a few X-rays and we’ll be done.”

Patient: “Please make it quick. I don’t want to glow when I leave!”

Me: “No, sir, I promise you won’t glow. That’s just an X-ray joke.”

Patient: “It’s dark out! I can’t glow or I’ll be seen!”

Me: “Sir, I swear you will not glow.”

Patient: “NO GLOOOWWWIINNG!”

Me: *gives up* “The glow afterward is so faint, no one will ever see it.”

Patient: “Oh… okay, then. Proceed…”

Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
HOSPITAL, PATIENTS, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 20, 2009
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(I work in healthcare and am talking to a man in his fifties who is having angina for the first time.)

Me: “You haven’t had a heart attack, but this pain is probably coming from your heart.”

Man: “But I’m only 50-something, and there are no heart problems in my family. Why would that be?”

Me: “You smoke 30 cigarettes a day and drink two cartons of beer per week. That’s not good for your heart. You should think about cutting down.”

Man: “I’m sick of you people telling me that bulls***! It’s a scientifically proven fact that smoking makes your arteries smaller, and drinking makes them bigger! If I keep drinking and smoking, I’ll be fine!”

Me: “That’s not at all how it works, but I see I’m not going to change your mind. You’ll be going upstairs soon.”

Man: “I want to go out for a smoke!”

Me: “That’s really not a good idea.”

Man: “What would you know?!”

Me: *gives up*

If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will
FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, MEDICAL OFFICE, STUPID, TEENAGERS, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | OCTOBER 6, 2009
Me: Hello this is [Doctor’s Office]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

Getting On Your Nerves
DENTIST, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 22, 2009
(I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).

Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”

Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be over before you know it.”

Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give the shot? I need to know!”

Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”

Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”

Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”

Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”

We Want Your Braaaiiins
HEALTH & BODY, HOSPITAL, MATH & SCIENCE, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 16, 2009
(A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)

Subject: “So, I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”

Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”

Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”

Less Twilight, More Daylight
BIZARRE, HEALTH & BODY, HOSPITAL | HEALTHY RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 1, 2009
Me: “Hi, this is anesthesia. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This is the blood bank, right?”

Me: “No, this is anesthesia.”

Caller: “That’s the same thing, right?”

Me: “Not really.”

Caller: “Well, what is anesthesia?”

Me: “The stuff that puts you to sleep before surgery.”

Caller: “Well who cares about that crap!”

Me: “People who need surgery?”

Caller: “No! You know what they need? BLOOD!”

Me: “Okay… but you still have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Vampires need blood! You’re not a vampire because you don’t need blood! Humans don’t need blood!”

Me: “Sir, humans need blood just as much as a vampire.”

Caller: “Wait, so humans are vampires?”

Me: “No, they just need–”

Caller: “Holy f***! I’M A VAMPIRE! You just made my day!”

Me: “Well, no–”

Caller: “Thank you sooo much!” *click*

That Is ‘Pretty’ Awesome
ADORABLE CHILDREN, AUSTRALIA, AWESOME, HEALTH & BODY, INSPIRATIONAL, MELBOURNE, PHOTOGRAPHY STUDIO, VICTORIA | HEALTHY RELATED RIGHT | AUGUST 15, 2009
(I am a photographer running a studio in the inner city. We are well known for our children’s portraits, and we range from high-end portraits for modelling jobs to fun sibling photos and birth announcements. We do a bit of everything; as such, we are extremely busy, and it states on our website that we do not accept walk-ins. We are usually booked up six months in advance. One day, ten minutes before closing, a mum walks in with a young girl around six or seven behind her. I internally groan.)

Mother: “Hello. I know you’re closing soon, but I have a special favour to ask.”

(At this point the little girl peeks around her mother’s legs and I’m lost for words. Under her thick winter coat and hat, she is skeletally thin with huge dark circles under her eyes. From what I can tell, she has no hair, and a tube taped to her cheek that feeds into her nose. It is immediately clear this kid is very, very sick.)

Mother: *near tears* “My daughter saw one of your photos taped to the wall at the hospital. She REALLY loves unicorns and the photo had a girl photo-shopped onto a horse. I know you’re booked up, and it’s months before the next appointment, but…”

(At this point she actually starts crying. I realise that our next available appointment is probably way too far away for this particular kid. The little girl squeezes her mother’s hand. I am a very big dude, covered in tattoos and a beard, but I’m not ashamed to say I needed a minute before I spoke.)

Me: “Aww, that’s just for regular customers! I’ve been waiting all day to take a photo of someone as beautiful as you! What’s your name, sweetheart?”

(I lock the front door and spend the next three hours taking photos of this kid in every princess costume I have in my closet. She is the sweetest, most well-behaved kid I have ever worked with. Once we’re done, she curls up on the couch in my office and falls asleep while I load up the photos for her mum to see and choose the ones she likes best and ask her what kind of retouching she’d like done. She’s adamant that I leave her daughter as is — apparently, the little girl has been worried for the past month that she is no longer “pretty.”)

Me: “All right, so we’ve settled on these. I can have them edited and all finished in two days. If you give me your email I can send you the link to the website and the password to download them when they’re ready.”

(The mother thanks me over and over and comes up front, carrying her sleeping daughter, and holds out her credit card.)

Me: “Nope. No way.”

Mother: “Please, I insist. You stayed open so late and your shoots are listed for [amount] online. Please at least charge me that.

Me: “Absolutely not. I am not taking money for this. No way in h***.”

(A few days later I send the link through and hear nothing. I see she’s downloaded the photos and I think nothing of it, hoping my sweet little friend loved her photos. Almost six months later I’m once again closing up when a very familiar face pops up at my window, grinning and waving frantically.)

Me: *throwing open the door* “Hey, you!”

Little Girl: “Hi! I’m better! Look, I’m better!”

(Sure enough, she’d put on some weight, was flushed and pink, and had a fine fuzz of hair over her head. Her mother was a few steps behind her, grinning. She once again tried to force an envelope full of money into my hand, and again I refused. She got frustrated and eventually in her exasperation said, “at least let us take you to dinner!” which I happily accepted. Seven years later that photo of a sick little girl astride a giant pink unicorn is in a frame in my lounge room. My now-step-daughter groans every time I point it out to the friends she brings home!)

If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will
FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, MEDICAL OFFICE, STUPID, TEENAGERS, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | OCTOBER 6, 2009
Me: Hello this is [Doctor’s Office]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

Getting On Your Nerves
DENTIST, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, USA | HEALTHY RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 22, 2009
(I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).

Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”

Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be over before you know it.”

Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give the shot? I need to know!”

Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”

Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”

Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”

Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”