Husband And Strife
FAST FOOD | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 7, 2012
(A man walks in with his wife and starts ordering their food. She goes over to the soda machine to grab a drink, but the ice machine stops working. Frustrated, the wife starts slamming on the bar you push to get ice.)

Wife: “IT’S NOT WORKING!”

Me: “I’ll be right over. Sometimes it jams and you just have to hold down the handle for a bit.”

(I go over and hold down the handle for a good 30 seconds which is usually enough time for the ice to start coming out again, but it still doesn’t work.)

Me: “I’m really sorry about that. Usually there’s an additional charge for bottled drinks but you can have one for no extra cost if that’s okay.”

Wife: “Okay, thanks.”

(The wife goes to grab a drink but just stands there for a moment.)

Wife: “You know what? WHATS THE POINT OF GRABBING A G**D*** DRINK IF THERE’S NO G**D*** ICE?!”

Husband: “Baby, it’s fine. Just grab a bottled drink.”

Wife: “NO, IT REALLY ISN’T!” *throws cup on the ground and stomps out the door*

Me: “I’m so sorry… you can have a bottled drink for free at this point.”

Husband: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. I’m sorry about the ice.”

Husband: “No, no, don’t worry about it. She’s just a huge b****!”

Turning Down Is A Turn Off
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | JULY 3, 2013
Coworker: “Okay, sir… your order is—”

(I can hear a p*rnographic film being played in the background.)

Coworker: “Okay, I’m going say this and kindly, but bluntly: sir, I can’t hear you over your p*rnographic film. Can you turn it down a bit?”

Customer: “Wait, you can hear that?”

Coworker: “Yes, sir, it is quite loud. I’m attempting to give you your order number, but—”

Customer: “Oh…”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Customer: “You like it?”

Coworker: “Uh… no, actually. If you can turn it down a little I’d be—”

Customer: “What?! Are you telling me to turn off my p*rn?!”

Coworker: “No, sir, I’m not. However, I’m having a hard time talking over the delivery guy with a medium sausage pizza. If you can turn it down a bit, I can give you your—”

Customer: *click*

In A Happy Holi-daze
BOOKSTORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 24, 2014
Cashier: “Will these books be all for you today?”

Me: “Yep!”

Cashier: “Well, you have a very Merry Christma—”

(The cashier peers at my Star of David necklace with Hebrew engraving.)

Cashier: “—AND I hope you had a wonderful Hanukkah!”

(The cashier then waves to everyone waiting in line to get their attention.)

Cashier: “Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Joyous Kwanzaa, Spiritually Fullfilling Equinox, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”

(The whole line applauds and laughs.)

Me: “That was awesome!”

Cashier: “I know that Happy Holidays covers everything, but wouldn’t it be awesome if I knew all of them just in case?!”

See this story as a comic!

Has Too Much Four-sight
CALL CENTER, PETS & ANIMALS, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | MAY 20, 2011
Me: “Thank you for calling [pet microchip database company]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I already have a microchip registered with your company, but our dog received another chip. We were hoping we could link them so we can avoid additional charges.”

Me: “I can fix that. What’s the old and new chip numbers?”

(The customer reads off both numbers, but one doesn’t sound right.)

Me: “Sir, what are you reading that number from?”

Caller: “It’s on the dog tag they gave us today.”

Me: “You see, that number doesn’t sound like one of our chips. Give me just a second.”

(I talk to someone in another department, who thinks the number the customer gave starting with an F should instead start with a 4. I change the number, and the number clears as a new, non-registered chip.)

Me: “Okay. We took another look at the number, and we think the tag has a misprint. If we’re not mistaken, that number should start with a 4, not an F.”

Caller: “I totally read that 4 as an F.”

Customer’s Wife: *faintly over the line* “That’s what I told you!”

Me: “That’s alright. We’ve already taken care of linking the two chips. Either one will work to identify your dog. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Caller: “Do you have a number for a speech therapist? Or a kindergarten teacher?”

It Will Forever Be A Mister-ey
CALL CENTER | WORKING | OCTOBER 26, 2013
(A customer service agent is sending an email to another department for me. He is extremely slow and quite obviously an elderly man with poor hearing. My lunch break is almost over, so my patience is admittedly growing thin. I am a 31-year-old man.)

Agent: “Okay, so I am… writing him… an e-mail… for you. It says… ‘Ms. Smith called and—”

Me: “Mister.”

Agent: “Oh, uh, yes?”

Me: “Mister.”

Agent: “Yes, what can I do for you?”

Me: “No, it’s ‘Mister.'”

Agent: “Oh, you can just call me [Name].”

Me: “No, I’m not calling YOU ‘Mister.’ It’s ‘Mr. Smith.'”

Agent: “Right, ‘Ms. Smith called and’—”

Me: “No, it’s ‘MR. SMITH called,’ not ‘MS. SMITH called.'”

Agent: “Oh, I’m so sorry, Ms. Smith—I mean, Mr. Smith. Should I call you Mr. Smith?”

Me: “Just fix the e-mail please.”

Agent: “Okay so it goes ‘Ms. Smith called and’, oh wait, I should probably change that to Mr. Smith, shouldn’t I?”

A Father’s Love Is Very Console-ing
FUNNY, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, SCOTLAND, UK, VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | MAY 4, 2010
Customer: “Excuse me, could you give me some advice, please?”

Me: “Sure, how can I help?”

Customer: “I was looking to buy a Nintendo 360 for my son.”

Customer’s Son: “Dad! It’s an Xbox360!”

Customer: *to me* “This is how much help I need. Would you, please?”

A Father’s Love Is Very Console-ing
FUNNY, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, SCOTLAND, UK, VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | MAY 4, 2010
Customer: “Excuse me, could you give me some advice, please?”

Me: “Sure, how can I help?”

Customer: “I was looking to buy a Nintendo 360 for my son.”

Customer’s Son: “Dad! It’s an Xbox360!”

Customer: *to me* “This is how much help I need. Would you, please?”

Why Can’t You Be Omniscient?!
IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, TRAVEL AGENCY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 23, 2007
Customer: “Do other places besides Disney sell Disney tickets?”

Me: “I believe so, but I only have information about the tickets we sell.”

Customer: “How much do other places charge?”

Me: “I don’t have any information on other ticket resellers.”

Customer: “Is it cheaper if I buy tickets somewhere else?”

Me: “Sir, I don’t know anything about other places, only Disney.”

Customer: “Will they add the no expiration option for me?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Customer: “Can you give me names and contact information for other ticket places?”

Me: “Sir, I can only help you if you wish to purchase tickets directly from Disney.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why you’re being unhelpful!”

Drunk Punch Love
RETAIL | ROMANTIC | AUGUST 29, 2012
(I’m the assistant manager at a liquor store. One day, a customer with whom we’ve previously had problems comes in clearly intoxicated. She begins berating a new female employee, who refuses to sell the customer alcohol due to her drunkenness. Note that this new employee has been on the job only two days. The employee is getting scared and upset, so I step in.)

Me: *to the customer* “Hey, you know I can’t sell you anything when your like this.”

Drunken customer: “You can’t refuse me! I’ll kick your a**!”

(There is a line forming behind her. I calmly ask her to leave or I’ll call the police. Note: I’m 6’4″ 240 lbs. She starts swinging at me about five or six times, but lands only two very weak slaps on my face. I stand perfectly still and let her do it, knowing she is too drunk to do any harm to me. I turn to the customers
hanging back in line.)

Me: *to line of customers* “I would like to ask if you all saw her assault me, because I’m calling the police.”

(Fortunately, another regular of ours is a local police detective. He saw the whole thing as he was walking in from the parking lot, and immediately cuffs her and charges her with being drunk in public and assault.)

Me: *to the detective* “Glad you stopped in. I’m sick of dealing with that woman. Thanks. I owe you a six pack, on me!”

Detective: “Save it for tomorrow, and come over to my house for a barbecue I’m having…”

(When I get there the next day, the new employee who got berated by the drunk customer was there too. Turns out she was the detective’s niece, but I had no idea. Even better: she and I hit it off at that barbecue. We’re getting married next June!)

From Very Important To Very Impotent
CONVENIENCE STORE | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 6, 2012
(I am a customer in line at a convenience store. Customer #1 , the lady in front of me in line, is complaining loudly about everything, from the slow service (which wasn’t slow at all) to the way the young clerk is dressed. Finally, Customer #2 , the man in front of her, turns around.)

Customer #2 : “I’m sorry if I’m being forward, ma’am, but, may I ask your name?”

Customer #1 : *proudly states her name*

Customer #2 : *relieved sigh* “Oh, thank God! Don’t scare me like that, lady!”

Customer #1 : “…What do you mean?”

Customer #2 : “For a minute there, I thought you were someone who’s opinion mattered! Now I know you’re just a windbag I can safely ignore!”

(Customer #1 didn’t make a sound until she left!)

Stir, Yes, Sir!
BIZARRE, FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 17, 2009
Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [Fast Food Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Medium! Coffee! Two! Equal!”

Coworker: “Okay, will that be all?”

Customer: “NOOO! Medium! Coffee! Two! Cream! Three! Equal!”

Coworker: “Okay, two medium coffees. Will that be all?”

Customer: “NOOO! Medium! Honey! Lemon! Tea! Three! Splendid!”

Coworker: “Okay, will there be anything else?”

Customer: “YESSS! Large! Coffee! French Vanilla! Double! Double!”

Coworker: “Is that all?”

Customer: “YESSS!”

Walking Tall, Thinking Small
HOTEL, MAINE, MONEY, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 20, 2010
Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Guest: “I’m wondering if you have any vacancies tonight?

Me: “Sure!”

(I tell her the availability and prices.)

Guest: “Well, I have a walk-in coupon for a lower price. Can I use that?”

Me: “Sure, but I won’t be able to make a reservation for that price because it is for a walk-in only.”

Guest: “Okay, I’ll need to take your airport shuttle though. Can I still use the walk-in rate?”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand.”

Guest: “I’m taking a shuttle. I won’t be walking in!”

Not Quite The (Ice) Cream Of The Crop
RETAIL | RIGHT | JUNE 21, 2014
(I work in a very popular chocolate shop that also sells ice cream in the summer. It is a particularly busy, hot Saturday. I am serving ice cream. There was a huge line of customers. Suddenly, a customer strolls into the store, leaving her bicycle outside. Eventually, it is her turn.)

Customer: “Finally. I’ll have a hazelnut.”

Me: “Sure, a double or a single?”

Customer: “Double.”

Me: “Would you like it in a cone or a tub?”

Customer: “A bag.”

Me: “…Pardon?”

Customer: “A bag.”

(I look at her for a moment)

Me: “I’m sorry, Miss, but the ice cream only comes in a cone or a tub.”

Customer: “Well, I need it in a bag. Do you have a bag?”

(We put chocolate in small transparent bags, but they would definitely not fit an ice cream tub, also there are no lids on the tubs to cover the ice cream.)

Me: “It won’t fit in one of our bags, miss.”

Customer: “Yes, it will. Get one.”

(I protest again, but fetch her bag anyway. I present it to her and show her the size, to prove it won’t fit.)

Me: “See, Miss? It’s too small. The tub won’t fit in there.”

Customer: “Oh, honestly, how do you even have a job? Do you even have a brain?”

(I’m hurt by this comment, and am getting quite angry.)

Me: “Look, it won’t fit; I don’t know what you’d like me to do.”

Customer: “Let me do it, girl.”

(She proceeds to take the full-to-the-brim ice cream tub and squeeze it into the bag sideways, smearing her ice cream all down the sides. I stare at her in disbelief. Ice cream is dripping everywhere.)

Customer: “Was that so hard?”

Me: *still staring* “Would… you like a spoon?”

(She held out the open bag and I dropped in a small plastic spoon with the already nearly melted ice cream. She paid and left. I watched her outside the window as she put her bag of squished ice cream into the child-seat of her bicycle, STRAPPED UP THE SEAT BELT, and cycled away down the road. I stared in disbelief for the rest of the day.)

Skipped The Last Couple Commandments
HOME | FRIENDLY | FEBRUARY 20, 2014
(It’s Good Friday, which means that, traditionally, no faithful Christians are allowed to do even the slightest amount of labor, not even cook or wash their hair. I am on the balcony, hanging our laundry on the line to dry, when a neighbour sees me.)

Neighbour: “What do you think you’re doing?! It’s Good Friday!”

Me: “It’s okay. I’m not religious. I had to do some housework.”

Neighbour: “But how can you be so inconsiderate of us true believers? Have you no respect?”

Me: “So, whenever Muslims have a religious holiday, does your family also honour it out of respect?”

Neighbour: *clearly frustrated by the good point I made* “BURN IN HELL!”

Me: “Oh, thank you! Best wishes to you, too!”

Service With A Smile
SANDWICH SHOP | RIGHT | MAY 7, 2013
(My coworker, who is fairly new, has just finished helping a customer. The customer is approaching the counter again, and we assume for a moment that my coworker has made a mistake.)

Manager: “Is something wrong?”

Customer: “Oh, no!”

(The customer turns to the co-worker.)

Customer: “Can I just tell you that you did really nicely? You looked at me! You looked me in the eye, and you smiled! You were friendly. There is nothing more impersonal that staring down at the counter making the sandwich, then staring down at the change, and paying so little attention that it could have been a flea walking through that door. So I just wanted to let you know that you did that very nicely. Thank you for that.”

(I was smiling the whole way home that day! Not a lot of customers go to the trouble of coming back to tell an employee that they’ve done something well, especially something as simple as a smile and eye contact. If that customer happens to be reading this, thank you for making my day! You made my coworker’s day, too!)

A Heated Topic, Part 2
MOVIES & TV, NEW JERSEY, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, USA | RIGHT | JULY 19, 2010
(A woman and her two younger children go in to see a kid-friendly movie. Ten minutes later, the woman comes up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but there is a preview on right now with a man on fire!”

Me: “A man on fire? Okay, that shouldn’t be the right preview.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I have kids in there!”

(I check the theater.)

Me: “Ma’am, this is a preview for Fantastic Four. The man on fire is a superhero. His special ability is that he can turn into a fireball and fly around.”

Customer: “I don’t care who it is; he shouldn’t be on fire!”

Drop(out) The Bomb
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 16, 2012
(I live in a small town; as such, little stories such as ‘so and so made this all star team’ or ‘this person went to a university’s honor band” frequently appear in the newspaper. During high school, I was part of the later group until I started university, where my name would continue to appear in the Dean’s List published at the end of each semester. At this moment, university has been out for a week, while the high schools are finishing up their school year.)

Customer: “Hey, why aren’t you in school?”

Me: “Beg pardon?”

Customer: “It’s 11:00 AM; not even the students with special privileges to work during school hours should be out yet! Why are you not at [School] and working here?”

Me: “Sir, I graduated a few years ago.”

Customer: “No, you didn’t! I just saw your name in the paper for some fancy list.”

Me: “Oh, you mean the Dean’s List? Yes, I’m happy that I got on it this semester. I was taking a full load of classes!”

Customer: “You shouldn’t be done yet! School doesn’t finish for another three weeks.”

Me: “Sir, I no longer attend [High School]. Instead, I—”

Customer: *shocked* “You dropped out?! After all those times you were in the paper for music and smart stuff? What in the world possessed you to do that?!”

Me: “I didn’t drop out sir. I just—”

Customer: “Where is your manager? I need to talk to him about hiring drop outs, even if they appear to be smarticle like you!”

(Yes, he did use the word ‘smarticle.’)

Me: *pulls university ID card out of pocket wallet* “Please read the date this was issued.”

Customer: “Summer 2010?”

Me: “Yes. Now, why would I have a university ID card?”

Customer: “Because you go to that university?”

(I wait.)

Customer: “Oh… yeah. That was the college list, wasn’t it?” *gathers up items, pays, and leaves*

Why You Never Stereo-Type
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | WORKING | NOVEMBER 7, 2012
(I have just gotten out of the hospital after being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. It’s a huge change for me as I now have to take insulin injections and watch what I eat. The cashier at the fast food restaurant is a girl in her late twenties.)

Cashier: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Me: “Actually, can I see a menu with the nutrition information on it, please?”

Cashier: *rolls her eyes and sighs* “Here ya go…”

Me: “Thank you…okay, I’ll have a grilled chicken salad, please.”

Cashier: “And I suppose you want LIGHT dressing?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Cashier: “And I SUPPOSE you want a DIET Coke?”

Me: “Yes, thank you.”

Cashier: “You teenage girls are all the same, doing crash diets and having self esteem issues. It’s getting old. ”

Me: “Wow… well, thanks for your concern, but I just got out of the hospital.” *show her my hospital bracelet* “I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and now take lots of injections and check my blood sugar when I eat. That means I have to eat the right amount of carbs.”

Cashier: *turns red* “Well, I didn’t mean you. But you know how teenage girls are!” *gives me my receipt and bolts to the kitchen*

Straight Eye On The Queer Guy
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY | ROMANTIC | JULY 13, 2012
(At University, I am dating a girl for about 6 months. However I realise after some deep thought that I am gay, so I decide to break up with her.)

Me: “Honey, we need to talk?”

Girlfriend: “Okay…”

Me: “There’s no easy way to say this, but, I’m gay!”

Girlfriend: “Okay.”

Me: *confused* “Erm…”

Girlfriend: “I knew you were gay 2 months ago. It’s pretty obvious. I didn’t say anything because you needed to figure it out on your own. Now, tell me what you think of these new shoes I bought?”

(We’re still best friends, and we make constant jokes about this when we’re out with our respective boyfriends.)

Was Gonna Say Stupid, But She Already Called It
FUNNY, NORTH CAROLINA, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 17, 2010
Caller: *sighs* “Well, I’m glad somebody decided to answer the phone over there. I’ve been trying to get through to you all day, but all I get is a busy signal!”

Me: “Ma’am, the phone has barely rung here all day. Are you sure you were calling the right number?”

Caller: “What? Of COURSE I was! I was calling the number on this here invoice you all sent me last week.”

Me: “I see. Do you mind reading the phone number to me?”

Caller: “It’s 704-366…oh. Now, wait a minute. That’s MY number. Well, no wonder I kept getting a busy signal. I’ve been calling myself all day long!”

Age Comes Before Rage
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 12, 2013
(My girlfriend and I are waiting in line. Our baby is getting more and more agitated. It’s almost our turn when a middle-aged customer comes running up behind me, and starts glaring at me.)

Middle-Aged Customer: “Move your stuff! I have less than you; I should go first!”

Me: “Uh… no.”

(The cashier reaches for the first of our items.)

Middle-Aged Customer: “No! Don’t take his stuff! I should go first! I’m older than he is, and I have less stuff!”

(The cashier is just as flabbergasted as we are. My son starts screaming bloody murder.)

Middle-Aged Customer: “You should shut your son up! Let me go first!”

(My girlfriend hands our son to me and steps up to the woman.)

Girlfriend: “Shut the f*** up!”

(She turns to the cashier.)

Girlfriend: “Honey, can you please start ringing up our items?”

(She turns back to the woman.)

Girlfriend: “You need to grow up and learn some d*** manners. You’ve got a cart and a half full, and our stuff was already on the belt when you decided to charge up and demand that we move; that’s not how it works in the real f****** world! And how dare you tell me to shut my baby up! He’s teething, and tired, and we would have already been out of here if you hadn’t decided to hold us up. Now tell me what the f*** makes you so much more important than us?!”

Middle-Aged Customer: “I… I… I’m older than you two brats.”

Girlfriend: “So, you’ve had more time to learn manners.”

Middle-Aged Customer: “I have less stuff.”

(My girlfriend glances back and forth to our stuff, which is almost done being bagged, and only takes up about half our cart, and her two carts.)

Girlfriend: “Yeah, to a blind man.”

Middle-Aged Customer: “I’ve got food in the car.”

Girlfriend: “Then I guess you should have eaten before deciding to come shopping.”

(The middle-aged customer slinks off to another lane. My girlfriend pays for our groceries, and gives the cashier a huge smile.)

Girlfriend: “I had to deal with that all the time when I worked cash; sorry you had to see that.”

(She grabs our son, and walks towards the door. The cashier and I exchange looks.)

Me: “You should see her when she’s angry.”

Age Comes Before Rage
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 12, 2013
(My girlfriend and I are waiting in line. Our baby is getting more and more agitated. It’s almost our turn when a middle-aged customer comes running up behind me, and starts glaring at me.)

Middle-Aged Customer: “Move your stuff! I have less than you; I should go first!”

Me: “Uh… no.”

(The cashier reaches for the first of our items.)

Middle-Aged Customer: “No! Don’t take his stuff! I should go first! I’m older than he is, and I have less stuff!”

(The cashier is just as flabbergasted as we are. My son starts screaming bloody murder.)

Middle-Aged Customer: “You should shut your son up! Let me go first!”

(My girlfriend hands our son to me and steps up to the woman.)

Girlfriend: “Shut the f*** up!”

(She turns to the cashier.)

Girlfriend: “Honey, can you please start ringing up our items?”

(She turns back to the woman.)

Girlfriend: “You need to grow up and learn some d*** manners. You’ve got a cart and a half full, and our stuff was already on the belt when you decided to charge up and demand that we move; that’s not how it works in the real f****** world! And how dare you tell me to shut my baby up! He’s teething, and tired, and we would have already been out of here if you hadn’t decided to hold us up. Now tell me what the f*** makes you so much more important than us?!”

Middle-Aged Customer: “I… I… I’m older than you two brats.”

Girlfriend: “So, you’ve had more time to learn manners.”

Middle-Aged Customer: “I have less stuff.”

(My girlfriend glances back and forth to our stuff, which is almost done being bagged, and only takes up about half our cart, and her two carts.)

Girlfriend: “Yeah, to a blind man.”

Middle-Aged Customer: “I’ve got food in the car.”

Girlfriend: “Then I guess you should have eaten before deciding to come shopping.”

(The middle-aged customer slinks off to another lane. My girlfriend pays for our groceries, and gives the cashier a huge smile.)

Girlfriend: “I had to deal with that all the time when I worked cash; sorry you had to see that.”

(She grabs our son, and walks towards the door. The cashier and I exchange looks.)

Me: “You should see her when she’s angry.”

A State Of Mindlessness, Part 3
TEA SHOP | RIGHT | AUGUST 4, 2011
(A customer with a thick Southern-US accent comes in, starts looking at me and frowns.)

Customer: “Hey, you.”

Me: “Hello, madam. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you understand me?”

Me: “Why, yes, I do.”

Customer: *sighs* “But my friend told me all you stupid hicks up here speak Spanish!”

Me: “Well, that’s a bit odd. We aren’t located anywhere near Mexico, Spain or anywhere in Europe.”

Customer: “Liar! Just so you know, I went to college and I know d*** well where this state is!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You b****! You’re a stupid hick who thinks she knows everything! I know d*** well where this state is!”

Me: “I’m quite certain Montana is located in the northwest corner of the USA.”

Customer: “Ugh! Make me teach the brainless rednecks! It’s not in the northwest, you dumb f***! It’s in the south, by the country Idaho!”

Me: *speechless*

(The customer rolls her eyes and storms out of the store.)

The Deaf-initive Guide To Parenting
CALIFORNIA, COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY, PARENTS, SAN FRANCISCO, USA | RIGHT | MAY 24, 2011
(I work at the disability services office at a major university. We have an open house event.)

Parent: “What sorts of services you offer for students with hearing impairments?”

Me: “Oh, lots. We have real-time captioners–”

Parent: “Oh, like on TV.”

Me: “Yeah, sort of. The captioner attends the class and types the captions in real-time.”

Parent: “Oh, cool. Well, my son’s hearing impairment is pretty mild, so I doubt he’ll need any of that. But I told him it’ll be important to hook up with your office because of extra funding and stuff. These days it’s all about the money, baby.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s true. There’s a certain amount of money available for students with disabilities. It can’t hurt to have him come see us. Feel free to have him email or call, and we’ll set him up with an appointment.”

Parent: “Oh, he won’t be needing that for a while. He’s only five. I’m just trying to get a jump on things.”

Sending Them ‘Straight’ Out
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | OCTOBER 20, 2016
(I work at a restaurant that’s very busy on Saturday nights; we’re at full capacity. I have a regular couple who normally comes in for coffees and desserts, and I have a table of a same gender couple sit behind them, who is celebrating their two year anniversary. The couple hear me congratulate them.)

Gentleman: “[My Name], can you sit us somewhere else?”

Me: “Oh, I am sorry. We are at full capacity; there isn’t any where else. Is something the matter with your table?”

Gentleman: “We cannot sit here as good Christians and condone that sort of behavior. It goes against God and all he stands for.”

Me: “I apologize but I am confused. What behavior?”

(The wife, who hasn’t said anything, slams her hand on the table and very loudly says:)

Wife: “Them! Those devils!” *unattractive language followed by slur* “I demand to speak to your manager at once!”

(I quickly get my manager and am apologizing profusely to the other couple.)

Manager: “What is the problem, Mrs. [Name]?”

Wife: “How dare you call yourself a family-friendly restaurant when you allow and serve [slurs] in here. We demand a refund!”

Manager: “We allow everyone in here, and we cannot give you a refund just because you disapprove of our customers.”

Wife: “We will not be back.”

(The husband paid just enough for their coffees. Their dessert hadn’t come out yet, and my manager said I could give it the other couple on us for the outburst. They still come into the restaurant, so we lost a regular and gained another one because we stood our ground. They were really nice and when I finally left they were on their sixth anniversary, and marriage was legalized in Florida and they had picked a date!)

Not Healthy, Not Working, And So Not Okay
BOSSES & OWNERS, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 19, 2021
My family has a history of anxiety, depression, and OCD. I have had anxiety my entire life and it seems to have manifested as early as three years old, but I’ve never really needed medication for it as I coped with meditation and therapy. I had some slight OCD tendencies but compared to my sister and grandmother I never really thought I had it because it wasn’t “that bad”.

I also developed PTSD during the global health crisis because my boss at the time isolated me and wouldn’t let me speak to any of my coworkers and generally refused to let me do my job while screaming at me for two to four hours a day about how we need to do our jobs. Basically, she threatened me with my job during a global health crisis, while going out of her way to make it so I couldn’t do my job, to cover up her own inadequacies.

After experiencing symptoms six months later, I finally go to a psychiatrist, who diagnoses me. I later go to see a doctor, as being stressed out for so long can affect your physical health and I want to get fully better.

General Practitioner: “So, any new medication since we last spoke?”

Me: “Actually, yes, I am on 20 mg of fluoxetine.”

General Practitioner: “What are you taking it for?”

Me: “Anxiety… and depression… and OCD… and PTSD.”

General Practitioner: “…”

Me: “It is a h*** of a drug.”

General Practitioner: “Right… And when did you start taking it?”

“Ignore It Until It Goes Away” Doesn’t Work With Everything
HEALTH & BODY, HOME, HOSPITAL, INDONESIA, PATIENTS | HEALTHY | JUNE 17, 2021
I have mild chronic gastritis. I also have a slight deformation on my hip so I often feel pain in my lower back and hip. The pain I feel from those two conditions can be bad, but thankfully not often. I also have a high pain threshold because of them.

One day in late November, I started feeling discomfort in my stomach but I couldn’t really pinpoint where exactly. I disregarded it as just one of my two issues, so I started taking my usual medicine and kept an eye on my diet. The pain came and went for a full month. I didn’t really think about it since I was busy with a project and I had already bought a concert ticket. Project ended, concert attended, and the pain still lingered.

Finally, on New Year’s Eve, the pain was unbearable, so I told my sister who’s a doctor. She came by and did a quick check.

Sister: “Pack your bag, and I’ll call our parents to take you to the ER.”

It turned out that I had a swollen appendix. It was only hours away from rupturing. I ended up having to watch the New Year’s Eve fireworks through a hospital window, with an IV drip and some stitches on my tummy.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a reminder to never ignore any pain you feel in your body.

You Got Grass Growing On Your Roof? Part 2
BIZARRE, FUNNY, HOSPITAL, MINNESOTA, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 15, 2021
My aunt is home alone while my uncle is at work. She decides to mow the lawn, gets distracted, and gets into an accident. She suffers multiple broken bones and a minor concussion but is able to crawl into the house, reach the telephone, and dial 911 to request an ambulance. She gets wheeled into the emergency room and the doctor enters.

Doctor: “Hello, [Aunt], can you tell me what happened?”

Aunt: “I was mowing the lawn and fell off the roof.”

Doctor: “Umm… I’m sorry, what was that?”

Aunt: “I was mowing the lawn, and I fell off the roof onto the driveway.”

Doctor: “How… Okay. What roof were you on?”

Aunt: “The house.”

Doctor: “Hmm. And what were you doing on the roof?”

Aunt: “Mowing the lawn.”

Doctor: “Okay, [Aunt]. I think we’ll start prepping for surgery now.”

My uncle makes it to the hospital while my aunt is in surgery, and the doctor comes out to update him.

Doctor: “[Aunt] is doing well. She has suffered a broken back, multiple broken ribs, a cracked pelvis, and a few broken bones in her legs. She also has a concussion. Fortunately, none of her internal organs seem to be damaged, and her spinal cord has not been damaged. She may have a permanent limp or similar mobility challenges, but I believe she will otherwise make a full recovery with enough time.”

Uncle: “Thank you.”

Doctor: “I do have to ask one thing, though. I’m not sure exactly what happened that caused these injuries. [Aunt] tried to explain, but I think she was confused because of the concussion. Do you have any idea what might have happened?”

Uncle: “What did she say?”

Doctor: “She said she… Well, she said she fell off the roof while mowing the lawn.”

Uncle: *To himself* “Oh, so that’s why the lawn mower was in the driveway.”

Doctor: “Umm, [Uncle]?”

Uncle: “Well, she’s not wrong. We built our house into the side of a hill. We dug out the front of the hill and built a frame to keep the hill from collapsing. Then we built a house within the frame. The top and the other sides of the hill weren’t touched except for clearing some trees, so there’s still grass growing over the hill. We use a riding lawn mower to mow the lawn, which includes the hill that we dug out. [Aunt] must have been mowing the hill — which is basically our roof — and got distracted or something broke on the lawn mower, and she drove off the edge of the hill. I’ll bring in a picture of our house tomorrow to give you a better idea.”

The next day, my uncle did bring in a picture of the house, and the doctor was finally able to understand what my aunt meant when she said she was mowing the lawn and fell off the roof.

And now for the happy ending: my aunt did make a full recovery, with only a slight limp today. However, she has been banned from mowing the lawn ever since!

You Got Grass Growing On Your Roof?
ALBERTA, CANADA, FUNNY, HOME, SPOUSES & PARTNERS | ROMANTIC | JUNE 4, 2021
We live under the flight path of a nearby small airport. Once in a while, there is an unusual engine noise and we see a vintage plane of one type or another.

On Friday, it was very cloudy. I heard a plane flying quite low. I commented on that to my husband. He just looked at me.

Husband: “That’s a lawnmower.”

Poison Oak Is Natural But It Still Itches Like Crazy!
HEALTH & BODY, NORTHERN IRELAND, ONLINE, STRANGERS, UK | HEALTHY | JUNE 13, 2021
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.



A few years ago, my wife experimented with a certain brand of mycoprotein-based products. The first time we ate some, I became ill with vomiting and stomach cramps. I foolishly assumed that these were caused by something else, but the second time we ate some, it happened again and we very quickly realised I was sensitive to mycoprotein-based products, a phenomenon which is pretty well documented.

About nine months ago, I saw a Facebook advert for this particular brand and commented, saying that while I thought this product was a great idea, regrettably, I was sensitive to mycoprotein-based products so would have to avoid eating them.

Then, I got THIS reply from a random Facebook user I don’t even know.

Stranger: “Well, you’re clearly an idiot, then. You can’t get ill from [product]. It’s natural. NATURAL PRODUCTS DON’T MAKE YOU ILL!”

I didn’t have the heart to point out to her that latex, peanuts, kiwi fruit, and eggs are all-natural and can ALL trigger serious allergic reactions.

Like I say, this phenomenon is pretty well documented, and in some cases, people have eaten mycoprotein and ended up in ICU! I’m not really sure what this woman on Facebook was thinking.

A Red-Letter Day
FUNNY, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA, WORDPLAY | HEALTHY | JUNE 10, 2021
I work in medical reception. Recently, we had to reschedule some patients from one doctor, and we had a nurse practitioner available that day to take the patients that the doctor couldn’t. I was on the phone with a patient, who was very (understandably) upset because there were no other medical doctors with immediate openings to see them.

Patient: *Frustrated* “I don’t care if it’s an MD or a PhD; I just need to see a doctor!”

While this situation in itself was far from funny, I had a hard time keeping myself from laughter. A couple of days before, my English teacher had gone on quite a tangent about how he doesn’t like being called “Doctor,” because, obviously, having a PhD in English, he is not medically qualified.

Teacher: “If you’re sick, I’m probably going to just let you die.”

Personally, no matter how bad my medical condition was, I’d take that NP over that PhD any day.

This Clerk Will Have You Feeling Blue
EMPLOYEES, GERMANY, LIARS/SCAMMERS, MONEY, PHARMACY | HEALTHY | JUNE 7, 2021
I hurt my knee really badly when I am about fourteen, and I have to get a bandage to wear during the day so as to not put too much strain on it. I get a prescription and am told it will be free.

I go to the pharmacy with my father and go ahead so he can park the car. I show my prescription.

Clerk: “Yes, let me get you fitted, and then you’ll pay sixteen euro for your bandage.”

Me: *Surprised* “But I was told it would be free.”

Clerk: “No, this is sixteen euro, sorry.”

My father comes in and I tell him what the clerk said. The clerk speaks up again.

Clerk: “We also have one that is free, but it would be a bit different.”

I ended up getting the one for free, and you know what the difference was? It was grey instead of blue. I was supposed to pay sixteen euro to have a bandage of a different color. I only realised much later that the clerk was trying to take advantage of my inexperience as a fourteen-year-old and only caved when my father came. I am still shocked at the audacity, years later.

He Officially Wins At Excuses
CHICAGO, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, ILLINOIS, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 4, 2021
I graduated massage school in 1986 and promptly started working at a place in a very well-to-do town. We had acupuncture, chiropractic, and other modalities, as well as massage therapy.

I quickly developed a roster of regulars with standing weekly appointments. One particular fellow was my standing Tuesday 6:00 pm for years. He was always right on time, impeccably dressed, the model of a perfect executive. (Nice guy, too.)

But one Tuesday, [Regular] didn’t come in and didn’t call. With most people, I would have assumed they’d just flaked, but [Regular] had never flaked on anything in his life. I was concerned.

It turned out that [Regular] had gone in to have a lipoma removed — I knew he had it, of course — and during what should have been very minor surgery, his heart stopped. They had to resuscitate him.

He called the next day.

Regular: “Sorry I missed my appointment yesterday. I was dead.”

Best excuse EVER.

¡Que Embarazada!, Part 2
COLORADO, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 1, 2021
My friend has recently given birth to her daughter and is at the doctor’s office for the baby’s one-week checkup. She obviously hasn’t had her stomach “bounce” back yet. The nurse comes in and takes one look at her belly.

Nurse: “How are you already pregnant again! Didn’t you just give birth?!”

¡Que Embarazada!
CALIFORNIA, FRIENDS, HOME, PHONE, USA, WORDPLAY | FRIENDLY | FEBRUARY 17, 2020
(My dad has worked with a man from El Salvador for many years, and they have become close friends. When this friend first moved to the US, he took classes to improve his English skills, but in the meantime, the language barrier led to a lot of funny misunderstandings between him and my dad. They got used to laughing together about all the little ways both English and Spanish can be confusing. My dad learned a bit of Spanish from his friend but never enough to really understand a whole conversation. One Father’s Day, my dad thinks it would be nice to call his friend and wish him a happy holiday, and he thinks it would be extra nice to say it in Spanish.)

Dad: “Hey, I just wanted to wish you a happy Father’s Day! Feliz papa Dios!”

Friend: *laughing uncontrollably*

Dad: “What? Didn’t I say it right?”

Friend: “You meant, ‘Feliz Día del Padre.’ What you actually said was–” *pauses to laugh* “–’Happy potato God!’”

Dad: *laughing, too* “Well, I was pretty close!”

Friend: “‘Papá’ with the accent on the end means ‘dad,’ but the way you said it with the accent at the beginning, it means ‘potato.’ And ‘día’ means ‘day,’ but ‘Dios’ means ‘God’!”

Dad: *smiling, shrugs* “Well, at least you knew what I meant!”

Friend: “Somehow I always do!”

(Now it has become a tradition that my dad has to call his friend every year on Father’s Day and wish him “Happy Potato God!” When my sister and I call our dad on Father’s Day, we tell him the same.)

Since When Are Nurses Supposed To Care About Your Health?
HOSPITAL, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, NURSES, THE NETHERLANDS | HEALTHY | MAY 29, 2021
I’m with my baby at the emergency room.

Nurse: “Would you like anything to drink?”

Me: “Yes, please. I would like a hot chocolate.”

A bit later, the nurse returns with a large cup and hands it to me.

Nurse: “Here! I brought you a fresh strawberry mango smoothie. Much better than that sewer drink.”

Me: “Oh, uh, thank you, but no, thank you. I—”

Nurse: “Nonsense! This is good for you with lots of vitamins. The doctor will be here soon. Tataaa!”

And she left the room. I’m allergic to fruit.

Clearly, Babies Fix Everything!
BAD BEHAVIOR, BIGOTRY, FRANCE, THERAPIST | HEALTHY | MAY 26, 2021
My husband decides to see a therapist to talk mostly about work burnout and how to deal with it. After their first meeting, he comes home looking extremely upset.

Me: “Are you okay?”

Husband: “I am never seeing that whack job again!”

Me: “Yikes! That bad? What happened?”

Husband: “We were going over what my home life is like and I told him you’ve been dealing with depression for almost your whole life… and he told me to get you pregnant so that you would be too busy to worry about yourself!”

Quacktose Intolerant
BIZARRE, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, LIARS/SCAMMERS, MEDICAL OFFICE, UK | HEALTHY | MAY 24, 2021
When I am a teenager, I have pain in my abdomen. After six months of running around different departments, it is established that I could be lactose intolerant.

Doctor: “I suggest you visit a dietitian to make sure everything goes okay as you cut milk out of your diet. Try [Dietitian] right here in the hospital.”

My mother and I agree. Red flags should have been apparent from the beginning.

We call to make the appointment.

Dietitian: “Do you want to be seen at the hospital or at my house? There are more options if I see you in my home.”

After verifying with our health insurance that they will accept this appointment and pay, my mother agrees to the appointment for me.

Dietitian: “Please bring along the pain meds that you have been taking and the soy milk you have replaced the regular milk with.”

On the day of the appointment, we sit down in what appears to be the dietitian’s living room. The dietitian gestures to something on the table.

Dietitian: “This is the Asyra machine which will measure your bioenergy field to establish what you can and can’t tolerate in your diet.”

I am doing my A-levels at this point with the hope of going to study veterinary medicine, and this sounds like nonsense to me, but being British and too polite to stop her, I allow her to carry on. She gets me to hold these electrodes which, apparently, is all I need to do.

My mother helpfully intervenes.

Mother: “But they are not plugged in.”

Confidence going down by the second, I do as asked and the machine starts to generate a wiggly line. As we go on, the dietitian starts going on about how, “The machine thinks this,” or, “The machine knows that,” making it seem that this machine is alive. Eyebrows continue to rise.

Her analysis says that I should be fine with milk but I should really avoid eggs and onions, which I know is complete rubbish as I have been on an exclusion diet for a couple of months and recently reintroduced eggs and onions into my diet with no issues at all.

Dietitian: “Can I test the milk and pills you brought along so I can see if they’re good for you?”

She first decides to test the soy milk, which is in a carton containing plastic which, as many primary school pupils will tell you, does not conduct electricity. She places the carton on top of a metal plate and runs the machine. She is horrified by the result.

Dietitian: “You should stop drinking this immediately; it is terrible for your system!”

Me: *Politely* “I’ve been drinking this milk for about three months and I have been feeling much better since then.”

She frowns for a second, trying to reconcile this.

Dietitian: “Well, the machine is calibrated to American soy milk, so maybe you can drink British soy milk without issues. Try to avoid it if you are in the States.”

“WTF?!” does not cover our thoughts at this point.

She moves onto my pain meds. I have two I am using and I have them in the same box for convenience. Again, the woman takes the box and plonks it on the plate.

Mother: “There are two in the box.”

She regrets saying this immediately. The dietitian sorts between the two and repeats the process. According to the machine, one is good and one won’t work for me. I do seem to be becoming slightly immune to one, so this seems correct, but she got them the wrong way around.

Now comes the sales pitch: apparently, the machine is telling her that my gut pH is too low and this needs to be rectified with probiotics. Normally, the bottle for a month would cost £200, but she is willing to give me a sample bottle for free. We accept without arguing, for simplicity.

Dietitian: “Do you have any questions?”

Me: “I’m really missing chocolate. When can I add that back into my diet?”

Dietitian: “You will have no issues with chocolate and can start eating it immediately.”

This is completely at odds with my exclusion diet. Basically, if I add more than one thing a week, I have to wait two weeks for any symptoms to clear before starting to add things again, possibly from scratch. Not going to happen.

We leave and I think there are two seconds of silence in the car before my mum and I burst out laughing.

Sometime later, we receive the report. Nowhere does it mention milk. In the meantime, I have taken a lactose tolerant test and it turns out I am about as intolerant as it is possible to be. Another highlight of the report is that radon gas — that radioactive gas that causes neighborhood evacuations when leaks are detected — is better for me than… carrots.

We turn to the hospital and complain about this woman and her quackery. However, they won’t do anything as the appointment occurred outside the hospital and they are not responsible, even though their doctor recommended her and she is an employee of the hospital. We also have a two-month battle with the insurance for them to pay her, even though they said they would before we went.

As a final note, we looked up this Asyra machine online. It turns out that in the US (and the UK), it is only licensed to measure skin resistance, and if it is used to measure anything else in the US, you can sue the doctor.

It was all a complete and utter waste of time, but it gave me a good story.

I Am Also Allergic To Inept Nurses
ARIZONA, BAD BEHAVIOR, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 22, 2021
I have an allergy to the preservative in most vaccines and have a heart condition that makes the use of an epi-pen unsafe without direct medical observation afterward. Therefore, I’m unable to be vaccinated without being hospitalized to monitor my heart for up to a week after. Because of this, I do not get the flu vaccine ever.

I’m at the six-week follow-up after giving birth.

Nurse: “Will we be getting the flu shot today, as well?”

Me: “No, I don’t get vaccinations for medical reasons.”

Nurse: “But don’t you want to protect your baby? You know if you don’t get it he’ll have to get one.”

Me: “No. As I already said, I am not interested in the flu shot for medical reasons, and his pediatrician is fine with him not getting it, either, since everyone else he will be exposed to, other than me, will have their flu shot.”

Nurse: “Just because you’re afraid of needles, it doesn’t mean you can’t get it. They have a nose spray now, you know.”

The nurse continues to try to convince me to get the shot for another ten minutes by guilt-tripping me about endangering my baby and being a bad person for not getting it for “frivolous” reasons. Then, my OB comes in and shoos her away. After speaking with her, she sends the nurse back in to give me a birth control shot and a shot of an antihistamine just in case I have an allergic reaction to the preservative in the birth control. I turn around and pull my pants down for the shot and feel two sticks, only to hear:

Nurse: “See? That wasn’t so bad! You got your birth control and the flu shot in one go!”

Me: “DID YOU EVEN READ MY CHART?! I’M ALLERGIC TO THE PRESERVATIVE IN THE FLU SHOT! IT COULD KILL ME!”

The nurse didn’t even look like she cared. She just walked out, leaving me sobbing and trying to stay calm so I could get an epi shot before I stopped being able to breathe.

Thankfully, my OB was able to give me an epi shot within a few minutes of the flu shot, but I still spent a week in the hospital afterward. The good news is that the nurse lost her licenses and faced criminal charges.

Ain’t That A Karmic Kick In The Head
BOSSES & OWNERS, CURRENT EVENTS, HEALTH & BODY, INSTANT KARMA, RETAIL, SEATTLE, USA, WASHINGTON | HEALTHY | MAY 21, 2021
I get migraines an average of two weeks a month. My manager has never experienced a migraine and thinks of them as simple headaches; she frequently talks down to me as though they are nothing. Our store has glaring white light that is arguably brighter than the outside sun, which does not help at all.

My manager recently came down with a certain contagious illness and became very sick; she was gone for about two months. Upon her return, she was now getting chronic migraines much like mine.

Before long, my manager posted a public apology on social media and sent me a personal one for talking like migraines are nothing. I’m sorry she is getting them now as they are torture, but I’m glad she now understands and won’t make the “it’s nothing” argument again to anyone out there who gets them.