Data Sent Packeting
TECH SUPPORT | RIGHT | JUNE 27, 2011
Student: “Hi, my computer has been acting up recently. I keep getting this blue screen.”

Me: “Sure, let me take a look.”

(I perform some simple diagnostics and determine that the hard drive is bad. It will die pretty soon.)

Me: “Looks like your hard drive is failing. Since you didn’t buy your computer through the school, we can’t fix it. I would suggest calling the manufacturer. Also, make sure you back up your data as soon as possible. There is no telling when it will die. There’s no way of retrieving the information later if it’s dead.”

Student: “Do you sell external hard drives here?”

Me: “No, but you can get one from these stores.”

(I hand the student a list of stores. Three months later, the student comes back to the help desk.)

Student: “Hi, so my computer turns on but the screen is blank.”

Me: “Looks like your hard drive is dead. You’ll have to replace it.”

Student: “So, can you get my data off the drive?”

Me: “No, we can’t. Did you back up your files?”

Student: “Oh, no I didn’t. I actually remember you telling me to get a back up drive a few months ago. So, can you get my files off the drive?”

Me: “The drive is dead, there’s nothing I can do.”

Student: “So, there’s no way of getting my files now? I can get my friend’s external drive and you could use that.”

Me: “That’s not how it works.”

Student: “Oh. I figured I could just wait until it died.

Medium Coffee, Large Gesture
COFFEE SHOP | WORKING | DECEMBER 22, 2013
(I’ve been made part time at work. Money is tight and I’m struggling a bit. I have $1.95 left in my purse.)

Me: “Hi. How much is a medium coffee with the tax? Is it less that $1.95?”

Barista: “It’s $1.84 with the tax.”

Me: “Great, I’d just have a medium then, please.”

(The barista starts to pour coffee into a medium cup, then stops.)

Barista: “You usually have large don’t you?”

Me: “Yes, but I don’t have enough money.”

Barista: “How much money do you have?”

Me: “$1.95.”

(The barista picks up a large cup. She pours the contents of the medium into the large, fills it and gives it to me.)

Barista: “Here you go!”

(It was such a little thing, but it made my whole day!)

Just Don’t Fail Him…
ARCADE | WORKING | MAY 26, 2014
(I’m a new hire, and in orientation for my job. After finishing paperwork, the manager is showing me how to clock in and out. He mentions getting my uniform.)

Manager: “You’ll have to talk to [Name] when you get here Sunday, but he’s kind of intimidating.”

Me: “So… is he built heavily? Or is it his personality?”

Manager: “No, it’s mostly his voice. He sounds like Darth Vader.”

Me: “That’s not intimidating.”

Manager: “Star Wars fan?”

Me: “Yup.”

Manager: “You two will get along fine. Now, for breaks…”

There Is No App For That
HOTEL | RIGHT | JUNE 14, 2011
Me: “Thank you for calling reception. How may I help?”

Guest: *in heavily accented English* “The phone is not working!”

Me: “I beg your pardon, sir, but the phone does seem to be working as you are calling me on it.”

Guest: “No! The phone is not working!”

Me: “The phone is definitely working sir. If you would like an outside line, dial 9.”

(I hear button being pressed.)

Me: “No, not when you’re on the phone to me. You need to hang up and then press 9.”

Guest: “Wait, I’ll get my wife.”

(There’s a brief pause. His wife gets on the phone.)

Wife: “The phone is not working!”

Me: “The phone is working, madam. You need to hang up, then pick up again and press 9.”

Wife: “But the phone is not working!”

Me: “Did you try the international dialling code?”

Wife: “No! The phone is not working–and my hair is wet!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Wife: “The hair-phone! The hair-phone is not working!”

Me: “Do you mean hairdryer?”

Wife: “Yes! The hairdryer is not working!”

Me: “Okay. I’ll send someone up.”

Cheated At His Own Game
ELEMENTARY/PRIMARY SCHOOL | LEARNING | SEPTEMBER 18, 2013
(I am in second grade, and currently taking a test. The desks in my classroom are positioned in twos with their fronts pressed together, so two students are always facing each other. The student sitting in front of me tries to whisper to me as the teacher makes her rounds.)

Student: “Psst… hey, [My Name]!”

(I glance up at him, confused, but don’t say anything.)

Student: “What’s the answer to number five?”

(I look startled that he’s asking me to cheat, shake my head, and continue to take my test.)

Student: “Psst! Hey… what’s the answer to number five? Tell me! Hurry before the teacher comes back!”

Me: “Shh!”

Student: “Come on! Just tell me, please. I really need the help. I didn’t do very good my last test, and I don’t want my mom to get mad at me.”

(When he says this, I feel bad for him, so I quickly tell him the answer and go back to my test. The teacher passes us, but doesn’t notice, and goes to the other side of the classroom again.)

Student: “Psst… hey, [My Name], what’s your phone number?”

Me: “…why?”

Student: “Just tell me!”

Me: “I’ll tell you after the test! Now shh!”

(At this, he nods, and continues taking his test. He doesn’t ask me for any more answers. When we’re finished later, and we’re doing normal work, he comes over to me, smiling mischievously.)

Student: “So, can I have your phone number?”

Me: “Uh… sure, I guess…”

(I grab a piece of paper and quickly jot down a random number, which is not my phone number, because for some reason I don’t really trust him. The number starts with 555, and is only six digits long.)

Me: “Here.”

Student: “Thanks! I’m going to call your mom later and tell her you cheated on that test we just took! Thanks a lot stupid!”

(Surprise surprise, my mom never got that phone call.)

Who’s The Boss, Part 2
BAKERY | WORKING | SEPTEMBER 10, 2012
(I’ve just started working at this bagel shop, and am making a breakfast wrap that I’d only just learned out how to make about 20 minutes prior. I carry it to the counter and started ringing the customer up when my boss walks up behind me.)

Boss: “What the f*** is that?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

(He points to the wrap I’ve just made.)

Boss: “I said what. The f***. Is THAT?!”

Me: “Um, it’s the breakfast wrap?”

Boss: “How the f*** do you think this is wrapped correctly? Are you an idiot? Are you slooooooow or something?”

(At this point, my boss starts doing an offensive and horrible impression of a mentally disabled person.)

Boss: “Hurr dee durr, I’m too stupid to wrap a f***ing breakfast sandwich!”

(Keep in mind, the customer hasn’t paid yet and has watched the entire conversation. He is a regular and knows I am new.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but where do you get off talking to this young lady like that? It looks fine and is probably delicious. I don’t mind; she’ll get the hang of it.”

Boss: “Shut up, a**hole! You can’t tell me how to talk to my employees! If she’s a stupid c***, I’ll tell her. I can say anything I want to her. I pay her check!”

(My boss walks away, but I’m nearly hyperventilating from trying not to cry. I meekly take the customer’s money and give him his change and breakfast. He hands me a $5 tip and pats my hand.)

Customer: “It’s okay, honey. You’re doing a good job. Don’t let her get to you. I’ll take care of it.”

(This statement confused me, but I found out later what he meant by it. Apparently, the customer knew the District Manager quite well, and immediately called him up to complain about my boss. The next day, my boss was gone!)

Needs To Park That Attitude
RETAIL | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 13, 2015
(I work as a cart attendant. My store has a strip of red paired curb that is a fire lane in which no parking is allowed. I see a customer parked in this area.)

Me: “Sir, I’m very sorry but you can’t park here as this is a fire lane.”

Customer: “I’m not parked. I’m waiting for my wife to come out. I’m still in the car.”

Me: “Sir, even if you are still in the car, the car is not moving and is therefore parked.”

Customer: “The car is not parked! I’m still in it! So f*** off!”

Me: “Sir, what gear is your car in right now?”

Customer: “It’s in park, you moron!”

Me: “Then in that case the car is considered parked. Please move away from the fire lane or I will have your car towed.”

(The fuming customer finally moved, glaring at me as he did so.)

Eww, Fresh Food
FUNNY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, RESTAURANT, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 18, 2009
Server: “Um… one of our tables asked me to bring this salad back.”

Cook: “What’s wrong with it? It looks fine to me.”

Server: “He complained that the lettuce was too green in his Greek salad.”

Cook: “His lettuce was too green?”

Server: “Yeah.”

Cook: “I really don’t want to know what kind of lettuce that guy’s been eating…”

(In the end, we had to call our manager in to explain to this guy that our lettuce only comes in one color, green.)

Almost As Bad As The Large Hadron Collider
CRAZY REQUESTS, FAST FOOD, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 24, 2008
Customer: “Hey, what’s the deal with this cherry slushie?”

Me: “Sorry, sir?”

Customer: “It’s WHITE!”

Me: “Yes, sir…”

Customer: “Why isn’t it RED?!”

Me: “Sir, the watermelon flavor is red.”

Customer: “That’s sacrilegious!”

Me: “Sir, the color does not make a difference in the flavor.”

Customer: “You should be ashamed!”

Customer’s Wife: “Okay, let’s just let the man do his job, it’s not his fault for the color of the slushies.”

Customer: “It’s embarrassing!”

Customer’s Wife: *to me* “I’m sorry…”

Me: “Have a nice day.”

Customer: “YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED!”

The Lost And Take Whatever I Want
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY, CRAZY REQUESTS, PHONE, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 7, 2008
Caller: “Hi, I lost my cellphone this weekend. I was wondering if you’d found it?”

Me: “Well, maybe. What does it look like?”

Caller: “It’s a black Nokia; orange on the sides.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but your phone is not here.”

Caller: “Oh. Well… can I come by and just, like, take another one?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Well, you know, since I’ve lost my phone and all, and it’s not like the phones you have is anyone’s property…”

Me: “Ehm… well… how would you feel if I gave your phone away to someone else?”

Caller: *silence* “Well that would be kinda rude.”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: *more silence* *click*

Mix It Up A Very Very Little
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JULY 4, 2013
(I’m working at a take away counter at a corporate place that serves ‘Pan-Asian Cuisine’. A family comes in a couple days every week.)

Customer: “We want four of the sweet & sour with chicken and the steamed white rice. Make sure the chicken has no sauce, and no vegetables; we just want the plain chicken and rice. And four cokes, please.”

Me: “Would you like ketchup and fries with that?”

Customer: “Oh, do you have those?”

Me: “No, I was just kidding. This is an Asian restaurant.”

(After the meal, the father of the family comes back to me.)

Customer: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about it the whole meal, and I just didn’t understand the joke you made. I’m really good with knock-knock jokes, but I didn’t get it. Can you explain it to me?”

Me: “Sorry, I was just kidding because… well… I was just thinking it was funny you come to a restaurant that’s supposed to be spicy and exotic, but you always order the most extremely bland thing you can. It was kind of an American joke. And to be honest, I’m puzzled why you spend such a large amount eating out every week on only a few bowls of steamed white rice and chicken. You know, when I was really poor, I used to eat the same thing because you can get rice and chicken at the grocery store for less than twenty bucks a week. If I had that much money to spend on food, I’d be eating… well, something else. Mixing it up once in a while.”

Customer: “Hmmm. I guess you have a point.”

(I was wondering if I should have just kept my mouth shut, and hoping I didn’t lose their business. A few days later, the family comes in as usual, only they spend some time looking at the menu before they approach my counter.)

Customer: “Hi, we’d like to get four of the Thai coconut curry with chicken.”

Me: “No way, really?!”

Customer: “Yep. And we would like that with no sauce or vegetables, just steamed white rice.”

Me: “Oh. Why did you ask for the Thai instead of the Sweet & Sour plain like you usually do?”

Customer: “I thought about what you said and you’re right, we wanted to mix it up a little!”

High-Strung At Heart
TOY STORE | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 5, 2012
(I work in a toy store that sells a variety of products, aimed at all kinds and all ages. A teenage boy and his young brother come in, and are being quiet and behaving.)

Girly Voice: “I’M TIRRRREEED.”

(My back is turned to them, so I expect that they must have a young sister with them. Instead, I turn around to see a tall, pouting, blonde woman in 6-inch heels. Her boys call her “mum”, so it’s clear who she is.)

Mother: *flails arms and stamps her feet* “I’M BORED! I WANT TO SIT DOWN. MY FEET ARE TIRED! I’M HUNGRY. CAN WE GO NOW? HAVE YOU SPENT YOUR MONEY YET?! I’M GOING BECAUSE I’M BORED AND I’M TIRED—”

(I’m not the only one to notice her behavior; other customers are agog at this grown woman having a tantrum in a toy shop. While this is going on, an elderly woman at the till smiles at me sweetly.)

Elderly Woman: “Goodness, if that were my daughter, I’d give her a good slap!”

Me: “Even at her age?”

Elderly Woman: “ESPECIALLY at her age!”

Quite Rightly, Waiting Impolitely Is Unsightly
CANADA, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, ONE-LINER, ONTARIO, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | APRIL 14, 2010
(The restaurant is very busy, so food wait time is longer than usual.)

Table #1 : “When is our food coming out? This is ridiculous; we’ve been waiting twenty minutes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We are very busy right now, but I’ll be bringing out your food very shortly.”

Table #1 : “Well, I hope so! You’re the worst server we’ve ever had!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Like I said, it’ll be out shortly.”

(I move to another table.)

Me: “I’m really sorry about the wait, I’ve checked on your food and it will be out shortly. I’m so sorry. I realize you’ve been waiting 40 minutes.”

Table #2 : “That’s not a problem at all… Don’t worry about it.”

Me: “I’d like to offer you your meals on the house, and thank you again for your patience.”

Table #1 : *overhearing* “How come WE don’t get our meals on the house?”

Table #2 : *to [Table #1 ]* “Because WE’VE been waiting POLITELY!”

When Patience Is Paper Thin
RETAIL | RIGHT | JUNE 26, 2013
(A customer comes into the copy and print area while I’m helping another customer and her son. After ignoring my greeting, she goes over to the customer color-copy machines, and starts making copies.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but why am I being charged $0.49 a copy, when that sign says black and white are only $0.09?”

(The customer points to the sign over the black and white copy machines that advertise $0.09 a copy.)

Me: “You’re using the color machine, not a black and white. It’ll charge you $0.49 a copy when you use it.”

(I point to the sign above the color machine that states just that.)

Customer: “Well, can’t it see that I’m not copying color pages?”

Me: “No, it doesn’t have that sort of capability. It only knows that it is used for color copies, and charges accordingly.”

Customer: “Well why didn’t you stop me before I started making copies?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I didn’t know you only had black and white pages. I can return your money and help you on the black and white machine if you would like.”

(The customer hands me the credit card she used to make the copies, and I refund her money. As I start to walk towards the black and white she pushes past me.)

Customer: “I don’t need your God-d*** help. You did enough already!”

(I return to the other customer and her son, and continue talking about his school project that he needs printed and finished. Five minutes go by, and the older woman has a stack of approximately 250 papers in her hand. She walks up to me and interrupts my conversation with the other customers.)

Customer: “I need these cut.”

Me: “We charge $2 for every 500 pieces of paper cut, per cut.”

Customer: “$2! Just for a few pieces of paper to be cut?! You must be out of your d*** mind! I’ll do them myself!”

(I show her to the small hand-cutter. I show her how it works, using only a few sheets of paper at a time. Only five seconds after I turn away, she starts shouting again.)

Customer: “THIS. ISN’T. WORKING!”

(I turn around to find that she has stuffed a quarter of her stack of papers under the blade. Every time she tries to cut, she rips the papers.)

Me: “Ma’am, you’re only supposed to do a maximum of 10 sheets at a time, like I showed you.”

Customer: “I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WASTE DOING ONLY A FEW PAGES AT A TIME!”

(The other customer and her son, and other nearby customers and associates are now watching as this angry customer fumes at me.)

Me: “I offered to cut them for you, and it was too much money. I showed how to properly cut them using the hand cutter, and you didn’t follow what I said. I don’t understand what you want me to do.”

Customer: “I WANT YOU TO REFUND MY RUINED COPIES AND DO THEM OVER, YOU LITTLE B****! AND THEN I WANT YOU TO CUT THEM ALL FOR FREE! YOU’VE WASTED MY TIME, AND I’M NOT PUTTING UP WITH YOUR SNARKY ATTITUDE!”

Me: “I’m not going to do that. I showed you how to cut them, and you didn’t listen. I have every right to refuse, especially after treating me with disrespect.”

Customer: “I AM NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN!”

(The customer screams, grabs the ruined papers, and throws them into the air before storming off into another area of the store with her few good copies.)

Yukon Not Believe This Juan, Part 2
AIRPORT, GEOGRAPHY, MILITARY, STUPID, USA, VIRGINIA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 20, 2010
(Canadian Army Reservists go to Fort Pickett in Virginia to train with the National Guard. I am in the last flight out of the U.S. and back to Nova Scotia. I am in my uniform, waiting for to be processed through security when a fellow traveler approaches me.)

Traveler: “Thank you so much for protecting us! We are so proud of the bravery of soldiers defending the United States!”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am, but I’m not an American. I’m from the Canadian Army.”

(She looks confused, so I point to the small Canadian flag on my shoulder.)

Me: “You know, your friendly neighbours to the north?”

Traveler: “Oh! Mexico!”

Ruining It For Everyone
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JANUARY 3, 2012
Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant]! How many?”

Customer: “Two. And we’re vegetarian.”

Me: “You’re in luck, ma’am, we have some excellent vegetarian dishes.”

(I seat the customers and head back to my spot. A few minutes later, the woman storms up to me.)

Customer: ”I said I was vegetarian!”

Me: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: ”The people in the booth next to me are eating meat!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re not going to stop selling meat products to other customers just because you won’t eat them.”

Customer: “But I’m vegetarian!”

Harry Potter And The Deathly Embarrassments
MOVIES & TV | RIGHT | AUGUST 12, 2011
(I am the assistant manager at a movie theater. There is a showing of the latest Harry Potter movie that is completely sold out. A pair of teenage girls approaches me to ask for some help. A woman is refusing to let them sit down in the theater, and the movie is starting in about 5 minutes. I go with them and find that their seats are the last two in the theater. The woman in question has three kids, all who look to be younger than 12.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss, but could you let these two girls sit down? The movie will be starting soon and–”

Woman: “No. My kids can’t sit by strangers. They might get kidnapped or raped.”

Me: “I understand that you care about your children very much, but these two girls need to sit here.”

Woman: *raising voice* “I just told you, my kids can’t sit by strangers! What don’t you get about that?”

Me: “Ma’am–”

Woman: “I mean, look at them! That one’s wearing a rapist symbol on her shirt!”

(She points to one of the girls, who is wearing a shirt with her astrological sign on it.)

Me: “Ma’am, if you’re going to make a scene, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

(The woman continues to raise her voice at me and insist that these girls cannot sit down here. The movie is already going to be delayed at this point, and the two girls are looking visibly upset. I go ahead and call for security. At this point, the woman realizes that she’s been beaten, so she makes one last stand.)

Woman: *standing up, at the top of her lungs* “Help! These girls are touching my kids!”

(Security comes and holds her in their office for the rest of the movie. Her kids got to stay for the movie. Afterwards, I run into her again.)

Woman: “I’m going to call the police on you! You let those girls touch my kids!”

Child: *in tears* “Mom, you’re so embarrassing!”

You’ll Have To Connect At Baked Alaska
AIRPORT, FUNNY NAMES, LONDON, TRANSPORTATION, UK | RIGHT | OCTOBER 6, 2010
Me: “Hi, would you like to buy a ticket?”

Customer: “Yes, when is your next flight to Oregano?”

Me: “Oregano?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s in America. I think it’s a state?”

(On my computer, I find the Wikipedia page for Oregano.)

Customer: “Oh… I’m not dumb, I swear…”

This Query Is Not Remotely Cheery
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY, LIBRARY | LEARNING | APRIL 15, 2013
Student: “My professor wants me to use [Business Database] for my homework, but he said I have to use it in the library. I want to know how I can use it from home.”

Me: “Unfortunately, that database can only be used within the library at those two computers over there. They’re in use right now, so you should wait over there until one is available.”

Student: *rolls eyes* “No, you’re not listening. I want to use it from home.”

Me: “I understand it’s not as convenient, but we are not able to offer it outside of the library. You need to use it here, just like your professor said.”

Student: *speaking very slowly* “I do not want to use it in the library. I have Internet at home and I want to use this database from my home. Please show me how to log on from home to use this database.”

Me: “Let me see if I understand your question. You have to use [Business Database] for your homework. It is more convenient to do that from home, so you would like to use your library card to log on from home and use the database there. Is that your question?”

Student: “Finally! Yes, that’s it.”

Me: “We are able to do that with some databases, but not every database. The company that created that database has the right to restrict how and where we provide it to our users. They only allow us to have two dedicated computers with that database on it, and it must be used within the library. You cannot use it from home. We wish you could, but you can’t. Also, because there are only two computers available, there is sometimes a wait for them, so don’t leave your homework until the last minute as you might not be able to get on the computers right away. If you would like to wait over there by the dedicated terminals, I will come over and show you how to use it when it’s your turn.”

(There’s a long pause as all of this sinks in for the student. Suddenly, they yell back at me.)

Student: “Well, you don’t have to be such a b**** about it! God!” *storms off*

Meow-rons Give Im-purr-fect Advice
PET STORE | WORKING | MAY 24, 2012
(My cat has recently developed a rather unusual habit. The local pet shop has so-called “cat experts” on staff, so I got to talk to them to figure out if this habit is a problem.)

Me: “Hi, are you one of the cat experts?”

Employee: “Yes, ma’am! What can I do for you?”

Me: “So, my cat has been doing something kind of funny lately. I don’t really think it’s something that is that big a deal, but I want to make sure that it isn’t going to cause him any problems.”

Employee: “I’ll be the judge of that. What’s she doing?”

Me: “He. He has been burying spiders alive in his litter box. I’m thinking it’s harmless, but I have found poisonous spiders in the house. So, I’m a little concerned about him getting bitten because he eats them sometimes, too.”

Employee: “She what?”

Me: “He. My cat is a boy. He eats spiders. And sometimes buries them alive in his litter box.”

Employee: “You’ve got to stop her! She can’t do that. It’s for POOPIES!”

Me: “Right…he knows that’s what it’s for, that’s what he mostly uses it for. But when he catches spiders that he doesn’t eat, he buries them alive. I don’t think it’s a huge problem, I just want to make sure that it won’t create a health risk for him. I know it’s unlikely but since cat litter is designed to trap moisture I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to trap toxins from any potentially poisonous arachnids that could get into his system.”

Employee: “Cat litter traps moisture?”

Me: “Is there someone else I can talk to?”

Employee: “Look, whatever reason she’s doing this, you need to get your cat to stop. Spiders are GROSS anyway!”

(I ended up finding another employee to “help” me. Their suggestion? My cat needed to see a shrink.)

Canada: America’s Hat, Part 2
BOOKSTORE, BOSTON, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, GEOGRAPHY, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MASSACHUSETTS, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | MARCH 22, 2010
Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “You’ve got an accent.”

Me: “Yeah, I’ve heard that. I’m not from here.”

Customer: “You’re American?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m from upstate New York.”

Customer: “But American, right? You’ve got a visa? You need one to work here?”

Me: “No, I don’t have a visa–”

Customer: “Holy s***! You’re illegal? They know you’re illegal here?”

Me: “I’m not illegal. I’m from upstate New York, near Canada.”

Customer: “Oh, if you’re from Canada, you’re not really illegal then. Canada’s like America, just different. Welcome to our country. I’m looking for a book. You probably only read books in Canadian, but I can help you with the language and you can find me a book here.”

Canada: America’s Hat
AT THE CHECKOUT, BOSTON, GEOGRAPHY, MASSACHUSETTS, MONEY, MUSIC STORE, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 3, 2010
(The customer’s total is $9.67. She hands me a ten-dollar bill and three Canadian quarters.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t accept this change.”

Customer: “Why not? It’s 67 cents and I gave you 75.”

Me: “Right, but this is Canadian currency.”

Customer: “So? They’re still quarters.”

Me: “Right, but they’re Canadian Quarters. I can’t accept foreign currency.”

Customer: “Canada’s not foreign! It’s in America!”

When You’re Bean An A**-Hole
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JULY 13, 2016
(A customer walks in, cutting in front of a 35-person-long line.)

Customer: “I’ll take three soft tacos to go.”

Me: “Would you like any rice or beans on that?”

Customer: “Steak.”

Me: “Okay…. Rice or beans?”

Customer: “Steak and green salsa…”

Me: “Sir, do you want rice or beans on the tacos?”

Customer: “This is the third time I’ve told you. Steak and green salsa.”

(Another employee puts the steak and green salsa on while I help the next customer.)

Customer: *shoves the current customer out of the way* “Hey, you, where the hell are my rice and beans?”

Me: “Sir, I asked you three times if you wanted any and you ignored me and repeated ‘steak and green salsa’ each time. If you want to change your order then you can go to the back of the line that you cut in front of the first time and ask politely.”

Love Begets Life Begets A Love-life
HOSPITAL | ROMANTIC | JUNE 12, 2012
(At 17 years old I found out that it was a strong possibility that I wouldn’t be able to have children. So my life-long best friend decides he’d help me have a baby then, as it might not be possible later on. My best friend is handing me our newborn daughter just after giving birth.)

Me: “Isn’t she beautiful?”

Best friend: “Yeah she is, but look at her onesie!”

(I unwrap her blanket. Her onesie reads ‘Will you please marry my daddy?’)

Me: “Are you serious?”

Best friend: “I didn’t do this as a favor, I did this because I love you, and I’m ready to start an adventurous life with you and our girl! Marry me?”

(I said yes. We were married four weeks later, and have been married for five years. He was right, every day is an adventure and our baby daughter is the light of our lives!)

Caught Red Quartz Handed
CONVENTION, KIOSK | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2013
(I run a precious gems and minerals booth at a trade show. A customer walks up to me and does some looking around first.)

Customer: “Do you buy things?”

Me: “Sometimes. Is it minerals?”

Customer: “Sorta, yeah.”

(The customer takes out a palm sized velvet pouch.)

Customer: “I have a friend that cuts rocks and does things to them. I had him make me a set of ruby quartz flat gems and paint them with gold leaf. They’re kinda rare, and I was hoping to get $90 for them.”

Me: “That depends…”

(I hold out my hand for the bag. Instead he opens it, and pours out a couple of red glass, aka ‘fused quartz’ flat facet gems with runes on them in gold color paint. One has a chip in corner.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but these are in the trade wholesale catalogs in five colors, come with a booklet, and retail for $20. Without the book and damaged, best I could hope to get is $5, so that means I won’t pay you that much.”

Customer: “How dare you! Bad karma ON YOU! My friend spent TWO WEEKS cutting and carving these!”

(I spot another vendor across from me, talking to security.)

Vendor Across From Me: “Yeah, that’s the guy!”

Customer: *Oh, s***!”

(The customer took off, leaving the bag. Security got him before he got out the door. If he had gone all the way around my booth, he would have seen that I have full sets, in all five colors for sale, with the booklet, for less than $20. Bad karma indeed.)

Very Closed Minded
ELECTRONICS STORE | RIGHT | JANUARY 21, 2015
(I’m the idiot customer this time around. I needed to get some supplies for my computer, and thought the local store was open until 10 pm. It’s currently 8:55 pm when I enter.)

Security: “Oh, we’re getting ready to close.”

Me: “Huh? It’s 8:55.”

Security: “We close at 9. Hope you’re quick!”

Me: *starting to dash* “Watch me.”

(I make a mad dash through the otherwise empty store as fast as I can go, grabbing my three items and running to the register. Timestamp on the receipt: 8:59pm.)

Cashier: “You used to work retail, huh?”

Me: “Yup, and I would’ve kicked my own a** if I took too long!”

(The staff laughed and gave a brief cheer as I, the last customer of the evening, was out the door at nine on the nose.)

One Sells Cats, The Other Sells Cat-Suits
ADULT STORE, CALIFORNIA, RUDE & RISQUE, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 19, 2010
(I am the assistant manager at a store that specializes in adult videos and toys.)

Customer: “How did you end up here, anyway?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Customer: “How did you end up working here?”

Me: “I applied?”

Customer: “No, I mean, what’s an innocent little girl like you doing working at a place like this?”

Me: “Well, you know how people who love animals work at pet stores?”

(The customer has a moment of realization and becomes clearly flustered.)

Customer: “Oh…well, excuse me.” *leaves hurriedly*

Barking Up The Wrong Culinary Tree
HIGH SCHOOL | LEARNING | AUGUST 4, 2014
(It is international week at my school, and several Chinese students are giving a slide show presentation about Chinese culture.)

Student: “And now we talk about the food!”

(The slide changes to a blank one with the heading ‘Food.’)

Student: *turns to look at the audience and smiles*

(The slide changes to a picture of a puppy.)

Audience: *screams*

Student: “It is a stereotype that Chinese people eat dog. That is not true. Most Chinese people would tell you, ‘that’s gross’. Chinese people would eat food like this…”

(He continued his presentation as if nothing was unusual.)

My Hypocrisy Ate Your Democracy
BIGOTRY, CALL CENTER, MONEY, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 23, 2008
(This is before same-sex marriage had been legalized.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the Benefits Center. How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hi. I am trying to enroll in my benefits for next year.”

Me: “Okay, how may I assist you?”

Customer: “I just got engaged and I want to add my fiancé to my insurance.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to add your fiancé to your coverage until you get married.”

Customer: “So… those f****** f****ts can get benefits, but I can’t?”

Me: “Yes, sir, but you have the option to get married; they don’t.”

Customer: “Those f****** f****ts, f****** us over anyway they can!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have the option to get married; they do not. That is the only reason we offer health benefits to same-sex domestic partners.”

Customer: “What if I can’t get married? What are you going to do about that?”

Me: “Why can’t you get married?”

Customer: “Well, a**hole if you must ask… it’s because I am already married.”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you we don’t pay for infidelity.”

Acting Shifty About The Shift
RESTAURANT | WORKING | OCTOBER 29, 2013
(It’s a busy day, and my coworker calls in to say she will be unable to come in for her shift. This is the third time in two weeks she’s dropped a shift.)

Coworker: “I locked my keys in my car, and have no other way of getting to work, so I can’t come in today.”

Manager: “Did you call AMA?”

Coworker: “Yeah. They said they can’t come out today because my small town is too far. I called a towing company too, but I can’t afford their rates.”

Manager: “Huh. That’s weird. I guess I’ll start trying to find someone to cover your shift.”

(Instead of trying to get the shift covered, my manager calls AMA to confirm that they won’t come to my coworker’s town. It turns out they have a service centre located there, and would be willing to go unlock my coworker’s car. My manager calls the coworker back.)

Manager: “Hi. So I called AMA, and it turns out they’re located in your town. So they can come get your keys out of your car. Maybe I talked to a different person than you did. Anyways, I can call them back and have them come to you; I just need your address.”

Coworker: “I’m not comfortable giving you my address.”

Manager: “Okay… well, have the towing company come then. You can have them forward the bill to me, and I’ll pay it. I really need you at work right now because it’s busy.”

Coworker: “I’m not comfortable with you paying for that.”

Manager: “Well, then I’ll charge it to our store. They’d be okay with helping you get to work. We need you here.”

Coworker: “I’m not comfortable with that either.”

Manager: “Do you have anybody that could give you a ride in?”

Coworker: “No.”

Manager: “What if I call you a cab? I’ll pay for it now, and you can pay me back later.”

Coworker: “You’re being really pushy! I’m not comfortable with any of this!”

Manager: “I just offered you multiple suggestions for getting to work, all at no cost to you. At our store, employees do everything in their power to show up for shifts because it’s not fair to the other people working when you don’t. Now somebody will have to work overtime to cover your a**. I’m not going to ‘push’ you any further on this, but if you ditch another shift this month, you’re fired.”

(The coworker continued not coming in for her shifts, but quit before the manager had a chance to fire her.)

Living On The Edge, Part 2
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY, COMPUTER STORE, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | JULY 10, 2008
Me: “Thanks for your purchase. Would you please sign anywhere on the receipt?”

Customer: “Anywhere?”

Me: “Anywhere.”

Customer: “But there’s no line!”

Me: “That’s right; the printer doesn’t draw a line for this type of receipt, so just sign anywhere on the receipt.”

Customer: “Anywhere?”

Me: “Anywhere.”

Customer: “But there’s no LINE!”

Me: *facepalm*

Cash Back, Government Style, Part 2
ENGLAND, GROCERY STORE, MONEY, STUPID, UK | RIGHT | DECEMBER 16, 2010
(We have a pay-point for customers who pay for their gas and electricity on a pay-as-you-go plan.)

Me: “Hi there, how can I help?”

(The customer pushes £20 note and a gas card into my hand.)

Customer: “I want £10 back.”

Me: “So you want £10 on the gas with £10 change?”

Customer: “No, I want £20 on the gas and £10 cash-back. You know, cash-back? Like from the till?

Me: “I’m afraid we only offer cash-back when you’re paying with a debit card.”

Customer: “I don’t have a debit card. Can’t you do it anyway?”

Me: “No. Cash-back is money taken from your debit account. Like it’s from an ATM.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Well, you’re asking for £10 cash-back without paying for it from an account. You’re basically asking for me to give you free money.”

Customer: “Isn’t that how it works?”

Not Even A Nugget Of Truth
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | OCTOBER 16, 2013
(I am the only manager at a fast-food restaurant on a night that is known for being slammed. We are short-staffed, so I’ve been picking up the slack in many different parts of the store. I am trying to bag the 50 orders on the boards when the phone rings and is quickly handed to me by my coworker.)

Coworker: “She needs to speak with a manager.”

Me: “This is the manager; how may I serve you?”

Customer: “Yes, I was in your drive-through earlier for lunch and I got the nugget meal. I drove all the way back to work and when I bit into my nugget red juice came out! I could tell they were all raw. Now I have to go ALL DAY without eating anything. I want my money back!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I am very sorry you had this experience and can understand why you’re upset. I will personally speak with our kitchen manager to ensure the proper procedures are being used and I will be more than happy to replace your entire meal with any meal on the menu.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want anything else. I want my money back. I drove all the way there because I wanted to eat your food but I can assure you that I will not be eating at your restaurant again. You can’t even cook the food properly. DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT GETTING PEOPLE SICK?”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that food safety is most important at our restaurant. I am unable to give you a cash refund without the food present. I can give you a gift card for the price of your meal, or I can replace your meal with any other meal on the menu.”

Customer: “I won’t accept another meal! Do whatever you need to do to get me my money back, or I’ll go to the city and they’ll get it back. As a matter of fact, you owe me reimbursement for the gas it took for me to drive there and back only to get this s*** food!”

(I get her information, and tell her I will have to leave a message for my supervisor, and that he would get back to her as soon as possible. She remains unsatisfied with my response and hangs up on me mid-sentence. First of all, every batch of nuggets is cooked at a specific temperature for a set time period every time they are cooked. Secondly, if there were some crazy incidents where the nuggets did not get cooked thoroughly then we should expect that more than one customer would have experienced this issue as well. Finally, with the increasing addition to her list of demands and very detailed story and threats, I have the suspicion that she may be trying to scam me. After the phone call ends, I text my supervisor.)

Me: “I told her I would speak to you and give you her information but she wants and cash refund and gas money.”

Supervisor: “If she brings me back a raw nugget I will be happy to refund her meal.”

Me: “She said she wouldn’t be back for days so I told her she probably shouldn’t keep them that long.”

Supervisor: “Of course! And paying for her gas? Total scam. Thank you for playing. Come again.”

Expressly Mannerless
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 17, 2015
(There are already four checkout lanes open at the store but the lines are still fairly long when the following happens:)

Loudspeaker: “Attention, customers. We have just opened the Express lane for customers with less than 10 items. Again, we have just opened the Express lane for customers with less than 10 items.”

(Several people, including myself move over to the new lane, however we are beaten by Customer who has a cart nearly overflowing with groceries.)

Me: “You know this lane is for 10 items or less, right?”

Customer: “How was I supposed to know that?”

Me: “Well, there’s the sign posted clearly right there, or, if you’re blind, she said it twice when she made the announcement that made you race over here.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I didn’t know” *starts putting groceries on belt*

(Because it’s still faster than moving back to one of the other lines I wait for her to finish.)

Cashier: *when customer has left* “I’m very sorry about that. We’re not allowed to turn anybody away, even if they don’t have any manners.”

Killing Two Types Of Bigot With One Stone
HARDWARE STORE | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 6, 2014
(I recently got married. Due to the nature of my job, I opted for a simple wedding band instead of one with a stone that could easily get caught on things while I am working.)

Customer: “Are you a lesbian?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You have a man’s ring.”

Me: “Oh, no. My husband and I got matching bands. I didn’t want a stone because it could get in the way at work.”

Customer: “Husband? So you’re not a lesbian?”

Me: “No, I am not. Like I said, a simple band seemed more practical to me.”

Customer: “Well, you should get a girl’s ring! How do you expect people to know you’re not a lesbian with THAT on your finger?”

Trouble Brewing, Part 6
BAR | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 4, 2013
(A group of three customers enter the bar. They are wearing wristbands after attending a local MMA fight. The wristbands are supposed to be only for people of drinking age.)

Customer #1 : “Hey, can I get three rum and cokes?”

Me: “Sure, I just need to see everyone’s ID.”

Customer #2 : “Aw, s***, I don’t have my ID, man.”

Customer #1 : “Well, you shouldn’t have let the cops take your ID!”

Me: “Right, well if you don’t have your ID on you, I can’t serve you.”

Customer #2 : “But I got this wrist band at the fights. You can’t have one unless you’re old enough.”

Me: “Yeah, but if I can’t see your ID myself, it doesn’t do me much good.”

Customer #1 : “Well, hey is [Other Bartender] here tonight?”

Me: “Nope.”

Customer #1 : “What about [Another Bartender]?”

Me: “Nope.”

(They leave. Ten minutes later, Customer #1 comes back with a different couple.)

Customer #1 : “Hey, man, I’m gonna level with you…”

Me: “Alright…”

Customer #1 : “Okay, that guy I was with before? Yeah, he’s only 20. But I’m totally 22, man.”

Me: “Have you got your ID with you so you can prove it?”

Customer #1 : “Um… no.”

Me: “Then I can’t help you.”

Customer #1 : “C’mon, you’re really gonna be like that?”

Me: “Uh, yeah.”

Guess He Couldn’t Beat The Final Boss Beagle
GAMES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, USA, VIDEO GAME STORE, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | OCTOBER 19, 2008
Customer: “I need to return this game. It’s too hard for my son.”

Employee: “Well, miss, according to your reciept, you bought this new. So, all you can do is get another copy of the same thing if it’s defective.”

Customer: “Who the h*** are you? I’ve never seen you before!”

Employee: “I’ve been here for close to a year…”

Customer: “I’ve been coming here for a long time and I’ve never seen you!”

Employee: “Well, be that as it may, you cannot return the game. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Me: “Miss, I am the store manager here and what my associate is telling you is true; you cannot return the game and you need to leave. I will not tolerate you insulting my employees.”

Customer: “Make me leave! See what happens!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just call security. Will that do it for you?”

Customer: “Call security! I’ll call the cops!”

Me: “Be my guest… That’d be awesome.”

Customer: “I’m the store manager of [Store] across the street and I’d never treat a customer this way!”

Me: “Would you break return policy just because someone is yelling?”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

Me: *to employee* “What game was it, anyway?”

Employee: “…Nintendogs.”

Wherefore Art Thou Passing Grade?
HIGH SCHOOL | LEARNING | JUNE 2, 2014
(I am in freshman English class reading ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ It’s the last class of the day and it’s a warm spring day, so no one wants to be there. There are only two girls in the class so some of the boys, myself included, get female parts from time to time. This day I am reading Lady Capulet. A boy reads his line in a very monotone and dry manner.)

Teacher: “Come on, guys. Tybalt was just murdered! There was a fight! Put some emotion into it!”

(The next boy reads his line also very monotone. At this my teacher just slumps into her seat in defeat. It’s now my turn to read Lady Capulet’s monologue accusing Romeo of killing Tybalt. I summon all the femininity, rage, and pain to my voice and deliver the speech, standing up in the middle of the speech, knocking over my chair, and then collapsing to the ground when I’m done. My teacher looks up with tears in her eyes.)

Teacher: “[My Name], you just got an ‘A’ for the rest of the year. Don’t even bother coming to class anymore.”

Misbehavior Reaches Critical Mass
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | OCTOBER 17, 2012
(My husband and I are sitting a few tables down from a family of six. All of the children are older, the youngest looking about 17, so I didn’t expect any problems until a priest walks in.)

Teenage daughter: “Hey [brothers’ names], look at the priest!”

Mother: “Shush, don’t embarrass yourself.”

Son #1 : “S***, does this mean we can’t do s***?”

Teenage daughter: “Oooh, you swore in front of a priest! You’re going to Hell!”

Son #1 : “You’re going to Hell for being a wh***.”

(The parents look mortified at their behavior. I am shocked, too, especially at a man in his early twenties calling his younger sister a wh***. After chastising them both, the parents go back to conversing with the older daughter until the other two start up again.)

Teenage daughter: “Hey, [other brother], I dare you to go ask for confession.”

Son #2 : “Seriously, you both need to shut up.”

Teenage daughter: *completely ignoring her mother’s warning* “You’re scared of a little priest? What’s he going to do? Send me to Hell?”

(Finally, it appears the priest has had enough, and stands up, approaching the table from the girl’s side.)

Priest: “First off, young lady, I have heard your mother tell you to be quiet several times. The fourth commandment says honor thy mother and thy father. You, my dear, obviously need some work on that. Secondly, if anyone needs confession at this table, it is you. Thirdly, the makeup doesn’t quite cover the hickey on your neck.”

(At this, the second son bursts out laughing, and the father profusely thanks the priest for reigning in his now speechless daughter. They ask the priest to join them and insist on paying for his meal. Besides that, on the way out, I hear the mother tell the daughter she’s grounded until she’s 30.)

A Thin And Crispy Argument
PIZZA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 13, 2015
(I am managing a very busy popular grab-and-go pizza place. The customer is the father of some former employees and his family; we always tend to give them a good deal on their food since two of his kids have worked at our location in the past. On this occasion they have received their food, with significant discount, when the father comes back into the store with a displeased look on his face.)

Customer: “Hey, [My Name], can you come over here?”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: *opens pizza box displaying the thin and crispy pizza they had ordered and steps back, arms crossed with a look of disgust*

(I look at the pizza and can see nothing wrong.)

Me: “I don’t understand.”

Customer: “You would eat this?!”

(I look again and see that the pizza has all the characteristics that we look for when making a thin crust, particularly the fact that it has cooked slightly longer than our classic crust pizza, to give it the crispy part of the ‘thin and crispy.’)

Me: “Of course! It looks delicious!”

(He looks at me dumbfounded.)

Customer: “No, this pizza is burnt!”

(Every time they have ever ordered this same pizza, it has always looked like this, but, trying to be nice I explain to him.)

Me: “Well, I will gladly make you a new pizza but this is how our thin crust pizzas come out of the oven. If you would like to have your pizzas lightly cooked, then we need to have that information before the order is made, so that we can have everything the way you would like it.”

Customer: *looks as if he is struggling to hold back anger* “I have never seen a pizza look like this and I have been to several [Pizza Chain]s in this area! I want my whole order redone!”

(At this point, I have a line forming behind him and I can see other customers begin to look annoyed at the extended wait.)

Me: *to the workers making the pizzas, with just a hint of incredulity* “Hey, I need [Customer]’s order redone! Make sure everything is lightly done and perfect for him before he leaves again.”

(He then storms out of the store, leaving his kids to wait for the food. After the rush has calmed down a bit, I and a coworker, the one who had cut the pizzas for him originally, are in the back of the store inspecting the pizzas he had the issue with.)

Coworker: “I can’t believe he would make such a fit about his food, in front of a lobby full of people, especially when he has had two kids work here in the past who have had to deal with rude customers like him!”

Me: *grabbing a slice of the thin crust and taking a bite* “Oh, well. I was hungry anyway!”