Trial By Hire
BIZARRE, EDITORS' CHOICE, RETAIL | RIGHT | OCTOBER 14, 2009
(I’ve just been hired as a cashier and it’s my first day. Halfway through my shift, I get called to go to the manager’s office. In the office is another man.)
Manager: “Ah, there you are. Thanks for coming over so quickly.”
Me: “No problem, what’s up?”
Manager: “This here is Henry. I’d like you to help him find the items on his grocery list and help him with whatever he may need.”
Henry: “Hello.”
Me: “Hey. Well, shall we get started?”
(Henry holds up a fake mustache and begins speaking in a British accent.)
Henry: “This the best you could hire?! This place is becoming worse every week!”
Manager: *to me* “Can I talk to you outside for a second?”
Me: “Sure…”
(We go outside and my manager explains to me that when Henry holds up his mustache, he is British and his name is Hensley.)
Manager: “Just take him around and help him get his stuff.”
Me: “Will do…”
(We start off finding him tea.)
Me: “All right, our tea is right over here.”
Henry: “Let’s see… green tea… green tea… ah. Here it is!”
(The mustache goes up as he reaches for the tea.)
Hensley: “I don’t want green tea.”
(The mustache goes down.)
Henry: “Must you be so picky?!”
(The mustache goes up.)
Hensley: “It isn’t my fault you have such terrible taste!”
(The mustache goes down.)
Henry: “Fine, what kind of tea do you want?!”
(The mustache goes up.)
Hensley: “I’m not sure.”
(This goes on for a grueling, long, painful 37 items. After two hours of this and a full cart, we head for the check out.)
Henry: “Thank you so much for being so patient with us.”
Me: “Glad I could help you two out!”
(The mustache goes up.)
Hensley: “Yes, thank you ever so much for the assistance. Don’t let us hold you up, dearie. Off you go… shoo, shoo!”
Me: “All right. Take care.”
(I head to the manager’s office, where several coworkers are also waiting.)
Me: “What the h*** was that for? Some sort of hazing?”
Manager: “Nope, he comes in every four days and buys the exact same stuff. Good way to test new employees!”
(So far they’ve tried this on five other new people while I’ve worked here. They all lost their temper and were fired. Henry/Hensley asks for me every few visits and he is a regular customer of mine now. Well, a not-so-regular customer…)
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