I’m Your OBGYN; I’m Here All Week
Awesome, Doctor/Physician, Illinois, Medical Office, Silly, USA | Healthy | April 30, 2018
(For the better part of the last decade, I have been to one specific OBGYN for all of my reproductive system’s many faults. He is a very short and stout man with a Slavic accent, the bedside manner of an angel, and the most wisea** sense of humor this side of the Mississippi. Here’s some of my favorite quotes from him over the years
OBGYN: *during my first pelvic examination* “Are you flexible? You surely are! I must have a Cirque Du Soleil star on my table!”
Me: “You know, most men buy me dinner first before asking me that!”
OBGYN: “Oh, honey, I couldn’t afford you.”
(The results of my first exam
OBGYN: *bursts into the room, waving a packet of papers around* “Good news! It’s all in your head!”
(I am diagnosed with Vaginismus, a condition that has both psychological triggers and a physical response, which has been carefully controlled since the diagnosis through therapy and physical therapy. I am just happy it doesn’t require surgery.)
OBGYN: *after a two-year lapse where I haven’t seen him since I’d moved* “You’re still alive?! Gosh darn, I must be doing my job too well!”
OBGYN: *after explaining my problems with birth control* “Oh, that just means your body hates estrogen. It’s not terribly uncommon for this reaction, but considering your other allergies, I think there’s one last thing we can try, and I’m very hopeful for it!”
OBGYN: *after that fails, rendering me unable to use all conceivable forms of birth control* “Well, we’re f***ed. Well, mostly you, although probably not as much as you used to anymore. I’m not helping, am I?”
OBGYN: *after I come in with a history of cyst ruptures* “Don’t worry! All we have to do is get you on some hormonal birth control, and it should clear those right… Oh, yeah. Oh. Well, have you ever considered traveling back in time and being born as a man?”
OBGYN: “Please quit coming in; you are making me actually work!”
OBGYN: “Have you ever considered becoming a nun? It might go better for you.”
OBGYN: “Look, I know a guy who knows a guy, and I could get you a new uterus set up, but apparently that’s illegal, so instead, let’s just try managing the crazy.”
OBGYN: *five years after my first exam with him* “You’re still flexible! I still can’t afford the dinner bill, though.”
(Considering all the horror stories I’ve heard about terrible OBGYN’s, I am so blessed to have this crazy Slavic man in charge of my health with his humor and knowledge!)
1 Thumbs
1,048
84
Share
Fat Chance Of Being Taken Seriously
Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Texas, USA | Healthy | April 27, 2018
(I have scheduled a doctor’s appointment because I finally have a job with health insurance. I am experiencing a relatively minor issue with irregular periods, which I also mention to the nurse. She writes my concern down and leaves the room. The doctor comes in a few minutes later.)
Doctor: “I hear your period is weird.”
Me: *surprised by her blunt introduction* “Yes. And I’d really like to know why.”
Doctor: “My first thought was that you’re probably fat, but you’re actually healthy. So, let’s run some tests.”
Me: “Wait. If I was fat, you would have just told me to go on a diet and not checked for something else?”
Doctor: “Well, yeah, that’s usually the reason.”
Me: “What if they had something serious?”
Doctor: “It’s never serious.”
(I was too nervous to say anything. After getting my blood drawn and an ultrasound, I asked the front desk if I could see a different doctor next visit. At least the nurse looked embarrassed the whole time.)
1 Thumbs
531
360
Share
Well, That’s A First (Name)
Colorado, Jerk, Medical Office, Nurses, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 26, 2018
(I am in the waiting room at a large, multi-doctor medical practice, so there are many people in the room. A nurse enters and calls
Nurse: “Williams.” *a few people look up* “[First Name] Williams?”
(Everyone goes back to what they are doing. The nurse again calls out the name, but no one answers, so she starts to walk away. As she passes, a woman rises, tosses down the magazine she was perusing, sighs audibly, and hisses
Woman: “That’s me, but I didn’t give you permission to use my first name; you will address me as, ‘Mrs. Williams’!”
(In response, the nurse turns to address the room, smiles broadly, and calls
Nurse: “Mrs. Williams?”
(Two other women in the room stand and look at each other and the nurse quizzically.)
Nurse: “Mrs. [First Name] Williams?”
(Several people, having heard the whole interaction, audibly chuckled as two women sat back down and “Mrs. Williams” turned red, glared at everyone, and followed the nurse to the back.)
1 Thumbs
680
150
Share
Not A Healthy Conversation
Bad Behavior, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | April 24, 2018
(I work for the UK National Health Service. This particular branch receives referrals for patients, and my job is to phone the patients to offer our service and get more info on their health, lifestyle, etc. Because of the nature of the branch, most people I speak to are in their 70s to 90s — and a few older! — but I do get the occasional younger person. I can see from this particular patient’s file that she is in her mid-30s.)
Me: “Good morning. Is this Mrs. [Patient]?”
Patient: *deep, gravelly voice* “Yes.”
(I am shocked because she is in her 30s, but she sounds at least 89.)
Me: “I’m calling from—” *quickly explains service and what we offer*
Patient: *almost before I finish speaking* “Yes, please. Anything to help.”
Me: “Fantastic. I’ll just go through a few some questions about your health, and we’ll see what would be best for you.”
(I begin with the standard questions, and she tells me the medical conditions she suffers from, which include severe COPD and bronchitis — evidenced by her gravelly voice and breathlessness when she talks. She has several other conditions; in short, she’s generally not in good health.)
Me: “Do you smoke?”
Patient: “Yes. About 60 a day.”
Me: *bangs forehead against desk*
(The job required I ask if she wanted help in stopping, but I knew before she even answered that she was going to refuse. I guess she wasn’t as desperate about her referral as she said she was. I left that temp post two weeks later.)
1 Thumbs
386
164
Share
A Bad Joke, No De-Nile
Medical Office, Punny, USA, Washington | Healthy | April 23, 2018
(I schedule appointments at an OB/GYN office. One day, a woman calls in needing to be seen; she has just learned she is about three months pregnant.)
Patient: “I thought I had food poisoning or something from my trip to see the pyramids, but my symptoms lasted so long I thought I should take a pregnancy test. Positive! I’m so excited!”
Me: *hardly able to contain myself that I can use this joke* “Sounds like you did catch something on your trip. You have the Egyptian flu: you’re going to be a mummy