What The Oak Leaf Wants, The Oak Leaf Gets
HOSPITAL, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MILITARY, REDDIT | HEALTHY | CREDIT: THEARTICULATEGRUNT | MAY 19, 2021
I am a Captain and have been assigned as chief of security for an Army hospital. I am in my office when a Lieutenant Colonel comes in.
Lieutenant Colonel: “Hey there, Captain. I need you to take care of an issue for me.”
Me: “Of course, sir. If it is within my area and power, I’ll see what I can do.”
Lieutenant Colonel: “Well, the general’s driver’s wife is in the maternity ward having just had her baby and she has a problematic roommate — always closing the curtain and blocking her line of sight to the window and messing with the tv. I need this woman moved to another room.”
Me: “Umm, that’s definitely outside my area of control, sir. I don’t oversee or control anything with patients unless it is an issue of security, safety or—”
Lieutenant Colonel: “Yes, yes, I know, but you know everyone, and the doctors and nurses will listen to you more than me. You are one of them now and they rely on you.”
Me: “Sir, really—”
Lieutenant Colonel: “I know, I know, no promises. This would really make the general happy, though. His driver is like a second son to him, so I would really owe you. It’s room number [number]. Just give it your best for a fellow infantryman, okay?”
I breathe deep and pause for a moment.
Me: “What room number again, sir?”
Lieutenant Colonel: *Smiling* “[Number].”
Me: “Roger, sir. I’ll look into it and do my best. I’ve got a couple of favors I might be able to use.”
Lieutenant Colonel: “Outstanding! Thanks.”
And he leaves. So, up I go to maternity to find the head nurse. She is not pleased as, apparently, the Lieutenant Colonel had been here earlier trying to sling his weight around and came to find me when it had no effect. I point out the room, though, and she smiles. We both chuckle a little bit.
Me: “So, can you help me out with making this all be good? Please.”
The head nurse gives me a big friendly smile.
Head Nurse: “Well, the corner room is open. We could move the bothersome lady in there, though she will likely have a new roommate later today. Then again, once the bed is clean and reset, we will likely be putting another lady in with the driver’s wife, too. Matter of fact…”
She pauses, looking over files.
Head Nurse: “It will probably be [Patient] having her fourth kid. She was likely to be going in the corner room, but with the move, she would have to go in with the driver’s wife.”
Me: “Well, if that’s how it has to be. As long as we can accommodate the Lieutenant Colonel’s request.”
Head Nurse: “Okay, but you are helping move the lady out of the room.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am, of course.”
The lady who had been causing SUCH disturbances for the driver’s wife was quite calm and gave no issues with the move nor even asked any questions. I called the Lieutenant Colonel once it was done and made sure to tell him I had no concrete knowledge if or when a new roommate might be moved into the room but that the staff was really not happy with the move and extra work. He thanked me and I never heard anything of it again.
The entertaining part of the whole thing? The bothersome lady who got the room with the better view — the woman who kept closing the curtain for some privacy and turning down the loud crap the driver’s wife kept putting on the TV — was my wife, who had just had our first kid.
Make It Up To Her Or Face Her Withering Stare
GOLDEN YEARS, GRANDPARENTS, NURSES, NURSING HOME, PATIENTS, THE NETHERLANDS | HEALTHY | MAY 17, 2021
My grandmother always liked to look nice; she liked to regularly get her hair and nails done and preferred to spend a little extra on stylish clothes. She also almost always wore makeup — just a little colour to liven up her face a bit. She still did this when she was past ninety and had to move to a nursing home.
The move was not caused by diminishing mental faculties — she remained sharp as a tack until the day she died — but she had become wheelchair-bound after a nasty fall and her physical health had already been deteriorating. The home she moved into was very nice, but apparently, some of the staff were not used to elderly ladies paying as much attention to their looks as my grandmother did.
I was visiting Grandma when a young nurse came in to help her with her eyedrops. Her face took on a look of pure astonishment.
Nurse: “Why, Mrs. [Grandma], are you really wearing lipstick?”
Grandma must have been rather irritated at the tone and the apparent implication that elderly women wearing lipstick is something to marvel at, because her reply was rather indignant.
Grandma: “Yes, I am. I might be old, but I’m not withered!”
After the flustered nurse left, I nearly rolled off the couch with laughter. “I might be old, but I’m not withered” has since become a family favourite; whenever an older relative gets a comment along the lines of “Looking good for your age,” they fire off Grandma’s response. Everyone in the know then immediately bursts into laughter and starts reminiscing about dear Grandma.
A Sudden Jab Of Terror
CHILDREN, MEDICAL OFFICE, MISSOURI, NURSES, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 29, 2021
When I was around five or six, I was at the doctor’s office for a checkup. I knew I would be receiving an injection, and I was terrified of needles. My mother stepped outside of the room with the doctor while we waited for the nurse to come by with the shot.
There was a slight knock on the door and a nurse popped her head in.
Nurse: “Hi! I just need to grab something real quick.”
And she proceeded to pull out the biggest needle I’d ever seen in my short life! I screamed bloody murder.
My mother and the doctor came running back into the room to find the nurse frantically trying to calm me down, but I refused to even let her touch me. The nurse showed the doctor the needle.
Nurse: “I didn’t mean to scare anyone! I feel horrible.”
After the nurse left, my doctor sat down with me.
Doctor: “That needle is meant for more difficult patients and it does hurt, but you are getting the regular-sized needle that hurts much less.”
I later learned the nurse’s needle was for bone marrow aspiration. I received my injection with no complaint.
Those Customers Will Have You In Stitches
BIGOTRY, HEALTH & BODY, IOWA, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, RETAIL, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 27, 2021
I work in a doctor’s office that happens to be located inside a big box retailer. A few days ago, I had three punch biopsies done. The bandage on my shoulder blade feels weird, so I have a coworker check it for me.
An older and very condescending customer walks up and sees the bandage.
Customer: “You young people and your tattoos!”
For the record, I’m forty-five.
Customer: “What did you get, your latest boyfriend’s name? Or something else you’ll regret later in life?”
I choose my words carefully.
Me: “I have stitches on my shoulder blade from a punch biopsy to see if I have melanoma from multiple horrific sunburns in my youth. Would you like to see them?”
If You’ve Got Urine There, You’ve Got Bigger Problems
COLORADO, DENVER, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, HOME, NON-DIALOGUE, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 25, 2021
I’ve been diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, so I am taking an antibiotic as well as pills to lessen the discomfort when urinating. I carefully read every word on the package.
This particular medication turns your urine bright orange which, the package sweetly says, will permanently stain clothes, washcloths, rugs, wood floors, and… contact lenses!
What A Bunny Misunderstanding
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, EL PASO, FUNNY, RESTAURANT, TEXAS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 23, 2021
This happened when I was in high school in the 1970s. We had just finished our production of “Harvey” and had gone to the local twenty-four-hour chain restaurant. We were all still in costume and, as I played the sanitarium assistant, I was wearing what appeared to be medical-type clothing. As I walked into the restaurant, a little behind my fellow cast members, a guy came up to me.
Guy: “Is everyone in the accident all right?”
I had no clue why he asked me that, so I just looked at him and said:
Me: “I don’t know.”
And I went to join everybody.
As I sat down, I noticed that there were cops and an ambulance a few blocks down the street. That’s when it hit me: he thought I was a real ambulance attendant!
I can only imagine what he thought, a first responder going into a restaurant when there were injured people to deal with. My other thought was, “I’m sixteen; do I look like an adult to you?”
Not Allergic To A Sunny Disposition!
BEACH, CALIFORNIA, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, STRANGERS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 21, 2021
I have a blood disorder called EPP; basically, I’m allergic to the sun. I’m sitting in a tent on the beach to shelter myself. Two girls who look about fourteen or fifteen see me — age ten — with my gloves, sunscreen, and huge sun hat.
Me: “It is real, and I’m just glad you don’t have it.”
I went back to playing with my little cards and they walked away.
After that, my mom kept telling me that story because she thought it was really nice how I didn’t actually react in an aggressive way. Even though they were being rude I didn’t wish my allergy on them. I know some people are dealing with some crazy allergies; you aren’t alone!
We’re Not Kitten; You’re A Hero!
AWESOME, CANADA, INSPIRATIONAL, NON-DIALOGUE, ONTARIO, PET BOARDING/PET HOTEL, PETS & ANIMALS | HEALTHY | APRIL 19, 2021
I’m a Registered Veterinary Technician running my own pet sitting and dog walking business. I’m on day two of a three-day overnight pet sit at a breeder’s home with cats and dogs and it’s a long weekend for Easter. There are currently three six-and-a-half-week-old kittens running about creating havoc and general kitten mischief.
I have to drive back into town to care for my own pets and take a quick shower. Shortly after returning to the client’s home, I hear faint distressed meowing coming from down the hallway. I go to investigate, opening some of the bedrooms to check to make sure I didn’t lock a kitten in when letting the dogs in and out of their rooms.
I get to the master bedroom and find a bunch of the cats peeking under the bed, and the meowing is coming from underneath it. I get down and look and find one of the kittens wrapped up in some fabric that had been torn from the bottom of the box spring. I reach under to try to unwrap her, but she’s halfway under and I can barely reach or see her and it feels like the fabric is wrapped around a leg. I crawl back out and rush to the kitchen to grab a pair of scissors to try to cut her out with.
On my way back, I hear her give one more strained cry and fall silent. I rush over to the side of the bed and get down, ready to reach back under, only to be face to face with an angry hissing momma cat. Fearing more for the kitten than myself, I plead with her not to scratch my face and reach under. The kitten has gone limp. In a panic, I realize that there is no way I am going to be able to maneuver the scissors to cut the fabric and instead grab a handful of the fabric close to the boxspring and pull. I don’t know if it’s adrenaline or if the fabric is just frayed enough, but I manage to rip the fabric from the bed and pull the kitten out.
She’s still not moving or breathing, and I see that the fabric is wrapped tightly around her little neck. I manage to get the scissors between the fabric and cut it. Even with the fabric removed from her neck, she still is not breathing, and I begin CPR and mouth to mouth. After a minute of compressions and breaths, she starts coughing and moving sluggishly. I scoop her up and rush to put her in a carrier while getting the emergency vet number and also trying to reach my client over the phone.
We don’t have an emergency vet that stays open up here; instead, the clinics rotate who is on call each day and you have to wait for them to call you back. While waiting, I keep monitoring the kitten, and she slowly starts to move around and be aware of her surroundings.
Finally, after twenty minutes, the vet calls me back and we go through an assessment over the phone to determine if I should bring her in. By then, the kitten is acting as if nothing happened beyond being a bit quiet, and it is decided that she will be okay.
And that is how I saved the life of a six-and-a-half-week-old kitten by knowing how to perform CPR on pets. Happy Pet First Aid Month, everyone! If you have pets, please consider enrolling in a class that will teach you Pet CPR and First Aid; you never know when it may save a tiny life.
Make Your Bloodwork Work For You
HEALTH & BODY, MEDICAL OFFICE, MEMPHIS, NON-DIALOGUE, OFFICE, STUPID, TENNESSEE, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 15, 2021
I have a coworker who brags about never answering her phone if she doesn’t recognize the number. I’m not sure what the big deal is; if it’s a telemarketer just hang up. Also, she says she never listens to voicemails because if it’s important they’ll call back.
Recently, she went to her doctor on a Friday because she had been feeling terrible for a while. The doctor took bloodwork and she went home.
The doctor’s office then spent the rest of the weekend trying to call her and tell her to go to the emergency room based on her test results. However, she didn’t recognize the number so she didn’t answer it.
Finally, they were able to call her next of kin, and he called her to go to the ER.
Put Your Foot In Your Mouth And We’ll Never Touch It Again
BAD BEHAVIOR, INSTANT KARMA, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, REDDIT | HEALTHY | CREDIT: SUBJECTDELTA28 | APRIL 13, 2021
I work at a podiatrist’s office as an X-ray tech. Most of our patients are elderly and are near and dear to my heart — the kind of people who are like second grandparents to you whose feet you happen to be very acquainted with. Then there’s patients like this woman.
[Patient] is that kind of woman who’s sickly sweet to your face and then complains to your superiors like you killed her puppy. We dread looking at the schedule to see her name on the daily patient appointment list. Some of my coworkers have flat-out REFUSED to take her back to a patient room and get vital signs, prep her room, etc. Everyone at my office has a [Patient] story. It’s practically a rite of passage.
She has been coming to our office for about three years. In my own personal experience with her, she acts kind to my face but slightly entitled. She once complained to my doctor about something I did, and to be honest, it was so mundane that neither I nor the doctor she complained to — who owns our practice — took it seriously. The doctor told the patient she’d speak to me about it and told me, “Oh, [Patient] complained about you, [My Name], but she complains about everyone.”
When she didn’t get the proper reaction that she expected from the doctor, she then tried to call a day or so later and speak to our office manager. My coworker picked up the phone and spoke to her. She had the NERVE to say, “I don’t want to get anyone in trouble, but I think it needs to be addressed.” Lady, you went out of your way TWICE to complain about me. You wanted me to get in trouble.
On to the main event: [Patient] FINALLY gets her comeuppance.
I am on maternity leave when this happens, so this is second-hand from my coworker.
[Patient] comes into the office in apparently a very foul mood — more so than usual, anyway. One of our nurses calls [Patient] back to a room three minutes after her scheduled appointment time. [Patient] proceeds to contradict all of the nurse’s questions and information out of spite.
For example:
Nurse #1 : “[Patient], your blood pressure is 142/90.”
Patient: “That’s not right. My blood pressure is usually 140/80.”
[Nurse #1 ] is an older woman and is over the years of [Patient]’s bulls***, so she merely says:
Then, when the doctor comes in, [Patient] starts making demands.
Patient: “You have to give me an injection! My feet hurt and you’re going to fix it now.”
The doctor’s policy is that these injections, which can help with certain types of foot pain, are a once-in-every-three-months deal, and if something stronger is needed, they’ll look at physical therapy, so they don’t just throw pain pills at you. [Patient] had her injection about one week ago and has constantly refused physical therapy despite having no valid or medical reason to not go. She is very lazy and just wants a solution NOW; she doesn’t want to correct things in her life that would easily stop the problem for good, instead of temporarily.
Then, [Patient] demands new diabetic shoes. Normally, we do offer this service with [Nurse #2 ], who is the only one with the certification to take the measurements for these shoes. However, [Patient] burned that bridge a long time ago because she repeatedly treated [Nurse #2 ] like garbage and called her a b****. [Nurse #2 ] refused to measure her ever again long ago.
Knowing this, the doctor tells [Patient] that she will send orders for new diabetic shoes to another company we work with. But [Patient] doesn’t WANT shoes from them. She wants them from US. The doctor doesn’t want to throw [Nurse #2 ] under the bus, so she simply tells her that we’re not offering diabetic shoes from our office at this time. [Patient] keeps getting angrier but has no choice but to accept defeat.
She goes to our receptionist’s window and pays with a credit card.
Receptionist: “Would you like your receipt?”
Patient: “Ugh, no! Why would I want that?”
She then proceeds to stomp on out to her car. Three minutes later, she calls our receptionist from the parking lot.
Patient: *Angry* “You need to print me off a receipt for our transaction today! Why wasn’t I given one?!”
Receptionist: “Ma’am, I offered it to you before you left. I can send it to you in the mail or you can pick it up from our office at your convenience.”
Patient: “You did not offer me my receipt! I’m in the parking lot; you need to bring it out to me now!”
Receptionist: “Ma’am, you can come back inside and get it or I can send it to you in the mail. I can’t leave my desk as I’m the only receptionist in the office today.”
Patient: “You have to bring it out to me now! My legs hurt and I can’t walk in there!”
This is crap; she just walked out of the building just fine and had no leg injuries.
Then, [Patient] just starts yelling about how she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this and how someone needs to bring her the receipt NOW, and so on. It’s so loud that [Nurse #2 ] can hear [Patient] yelling on the phone from several feet away.
Nurse #2 : “Give me the phone; I’ll handle this.” *Into the phone* “Hello, this is [Nurse #2 ]. How can I help you?”
Patient: *Yelling* “You need to bring me my receipt now. My legs hurt and you need to bring it now! I should have been offered it in the first place when I checked out! This is ridiculous. You’re all incompetent! Bring it to me now!”
Nurse #2 : “Ma’am, your legs seemed to be working just fine when you walked out of the office. Now, you can either come in and get your paper yourself or we can mail it to you.”
[Patient] starts yelling incoherently, repeatedly calling [Nurse #2 ] a b****, etc.
Nurse #2 : “You have a nice day ma’am.” *Hangs up*
[Nurse #2 ] told me how great it felt to just call [Patient] out on her bulls*** and it was so satisfying to hear about. But it gets BETTER! Apparently, the doctor that was working that day had overheard [Patient] yelling on the phone and was NOT having the way [Patient] treated the entire staff. She told our other doctor — the one that owns the practice — and they agreed that they would dismiss her from the practice.
The rest of my workdays are looking a lot more [Patient]-less every day I go in.
Childish Mistakes
GERMANY, HOSPITAL, JERK, NURSES | HEALTHY | APRIL 11, 2021
A few weeks ago, I had to have a hysterectomy. I have no children, never wanted children, and am almost too old to have them. Also, if I can now live my life free of period pains, I’m all for it. But I know that it is a sensitive issue for many women.
While wheeling me along to the operation, the male nurse asks:
When I talked to my gynecologist, she was flabbergasted. And rightly so. I mean, it wasn’t a big deal for me. But really, maybe be more sensitive next time.
Fresh Tomatoes Are Really Exciting
BIZARRE, CANADA, FUNNY, GROCERY STORE, HEALTH & BODY, ONTARIO, RUDE & RISQUE, TORONTO | HEALTHY | APRIL 8, 2021
Many years ago, I was shopping in a Canadian grocery store. As I wandered down the veg aisle, a lady in front of me started making weird, guttural noises. Then, her knees went all funny and I leapt in, caught her, and helped her to a bench.
Her face was red and she was sweating and, having just finished my first ever first aid course, I was sure she was having a seizure, so I checked her pulse — rapid — and prepared to call her an ambulance. But as I went to rush off, she grabbed my sleeve and told me not to.
I tried to explain that she was having a seizure and that she needed help.
I. Was. Wrong.
And this woman was so embarrassed that she accidentally told me the truth.
A friend of hers had given her something called a “love egg” and told her that it would give her a mild “happy” while she did the groceries. Instead, she went full O-face in the salad aisle. That explained the noises she was trying to suppress and that was why her knees had failed.
I was barely twenty at the time and had no idea what to do so I got her a glass of water and legged it. I hope that she learned from this experience, but I’m also kind of jealous; I mean, I have never once, in all my years, enjoyed a shopping trip that much.
Routine Ultra-Stupidity
BILLING, HOSPITAL, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 5, 2021
I am pregnant, and I’m sent for a routine ultrasound. I’m considered a low-risk, routine maternity case. The place where I’ve gone for ultrasounds in previous pregnancies is completely booked up, so when I go to schedule, they say they’ll just schedule me with the other ultrasound office in the building.
After I get the ultrasound, the bill arrives, and it is orders of magnitude higher than what it has been in the past… approximately nine times higher. My insurance company refuses to pay that amount of money, and it gets kicked back to me.
I call the insurance company and ask why they didn’t cover the ultrasound and am told that the ultrasound was billed as an ultrasound for a high-risk pregnancy but I am not a high-risk patient. So, I call the ultrasound office.
Me: “I’m trying to figure out a solution here. It seems that the ultrasound was billed as for a high-risk pregnancy, but I’m not a high-risk patient, so insurance rejected it.”
Clinic: “Oh, but that’s because we’re the high-risk office, so your doctor wanted a high-risk scan.”
Me: “I was sent to you because the other office was booked. They told me that you were covering their overflow because you had space.”
Clinic: “Yes, we agreed to alleviate some of their scheduling issues.”
Me: “So, you knew I wasn’t high-risk. Why did you do the high-risk scan?”
Clinic: “Oh, we didn’t do the high-risk scan because you aren’t a high-risk patient.”
Me: “So, why did you bill me for a high-risk scan?”
Clinic: “Because we’re specialists. We specialize in high-risk perinatal care.”
Me: “But you were just covering for the other office, right?”
Clinic: “Yes. But you can’t expect us to not be paid what we’re worth, can you?”
Me: “But you didn’t do the high-risk scan, right?”
Clinic: “No, but if we’d seen anything high-risk, we would have been able to tell you because we’re highly-trained. You have to pay for our higher training.”
Me: “So, if a surgeon who is capable of a kidney transplant gives you stitches, you should have to pay for a kidney transplant?”
Clinic: “You got a higher level of care here, so you have to pay for that higher level of care.”
Seven And A Half, Apparently
IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, TEXAS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 1, 2021
I work for a dermatology office that is temporarily renting an office inside a cardiology company, and we even share a waiting room with one of their doctors. I’m used to their patients coming to my window, but most notice the signs around the window that notify everyone we are a dermatology office. I’m still baffled how this lady didn’t get the clue.
She comes up and taps on the glass, right on the sign that says, “Please Do Not Tap On Glass.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am?”
Lady: “I don’t understand some of this wording.”
She places a clipboard with cardiology new patient forms on it in front of me.
Me: “Oh, I don’t—”
Lady: “What’s a triple bypass?”
Me: “You should probably—”
Lady: “Do I need to mark any surgeries, too? I haven’t had any. What do I mark here?”
Me: “I don’t know. I work for the derm—”
Lady: “How many of these do I need to mark here?”
Me: “I don’t know. This is—”
Lady: “And what is hypertension?”
Me: “High blood pressure. And this is the wrong office.”
Lady: “How do I know if I have high blood pressure?”
Me: “I think you need to ask the other window over there.”
Lady: “What’s a PCP?”
Me: *Sighs* “I don’t know.”
I do but I’m tired of being ignored.
Lady: “What about tachybradia?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Lady: “How do I find out if I had a tachybradia?”
Me: “I don’t know. This is [Doctor’s] office. Not cardiology.”
Lady: “Am I going to get a stress test today?”
Me: “I don’t know. This isn’t cardiology.”
Lady: “If I get a stress test, do I need my husband to do anything for me?”
Me: “I don’t know. This isn’t cardiology.”
Lady: “Why don’t you know anything?”
Me: “Because this isn’t the cardiology office.”
I point to the specialty sign for our office right in front of her.
Lady: “Oh. I need to use the restroom. Let me in.”
Me: “Sure. Go to the second door and I’ll let you through.”
She walks over to the actual cardiology window instead so they can buzz her through. Since she forgot her paperwork, I carry it over to their window and explain that she has some questions.
Cardiology: “Yeah, we heard her from over here. You had more patience than we would have. How many times did she need to hear, ‘I don’t know,’ before she got a clue?”
Seven And A Half, Apparently
IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, TEXAS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 1, 2021
I work for a dermatology office that is temporarily renting an office inside a cardiology company, and we even share a waiting room with one of their doctors. I’m used to their patients coming to my window, but most notice the signs around the window that notify everyone we are a dermatology office. I’m still baffled how this lady didn’t get the clue.
She comes up and taps on the glass, right on the sign that says, “Please Do Not Tap On Glass.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am?”
Lady: “I don’t understand some of this wording.”
She places a clipboard with cardiology new patient forms on it in front of me.
Me: “Oh, I don’t—”
Lady: “What’s a triple bypass?”
Me: “You should probably—”
Lady: “Do I need to mark any surgeries, too? I haven’t had any. What do I mark here?”
Me: “I don’t know. I work for the derm—”
Lady: “How many of these do I need to mark here?”
Me: “I don’t know. This is—”
Lady: “And what is hypertension?”
Me: “High blood pressure. And this is the wrong office.”
Lady: “How do I know if I have high blood pressure?”
Me: “I think you need to ask the other window over there.”
Lady: “What’s a PCP?”
Me: *Sighs* “I don’t know.”
I do but I’m tired of being ignored.
Lady: “What about tachybradia?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Lady: “How do I find out if I had a tachybradia?”
Me: “I don’t know. This is [Doctor’s] office. Not cardiology.”
Lady: “Am I going to get a stress test today?”
Me: “I don’t know. This isn’t cardiology.”
Lady: “If I get a stress test, do I need my husband to do anything for me?”
Me: “I don’t know. This isn’t cardiology.”
Lady: “Why don’t you know anything?”
Me: “Because this isn’t the cardiology office.”
I point to the specialty sign for our office right in front of her.
Lady: “Oh. I need to use the restroom. Let me in.”
Me: “Sure. Go to the second door and I’ll let you through.”
She walks over to the actual cardiology window instead so they can buzz her through. Since she forgot her paperwork, I carry it over to their window and explain that she has some questions.
Cardiology: “Yeah, we heard her from over here. You had more patience than we would have. How many times did she need to hear, ‘I don’t know,’ before she got a clue?”
Someone Needs Some Coffee (Hold The Sugar)
MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, PENNSYLVANIA, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MARCH 28, 2021
At my medical office, we sometimes loan out glucose meters to new diabetic patients. They come with all the supplies and an instruction sheet, and I’m always careful to point out the “Error Messages” section: a series of codes that indicate problems like low battery, not enough specimen on the strip, etc. They then call in after the first few days of checking.
A patient calls in to report her blood sugar numbers.
Patient: “The first morning, when I woke up, it was 103.”
Me: “Okay, that sounds okay.”
Patient: “And then, after breakfast, it was 103.”
Me: “Huh, okay.”
Patient: “And then, after lunch, it was 103.”
Me: “Ma’am, were all your blood sugars 103?”
Patient: “Yes! I thought that was kind of odd, but that’s what it said.”
Me: “Can you turn the monitor on? Does it still say the same thing?”
Patient: “Yes, that’s all it’s ever said.”
Me: “Can you rotate it so it’s upside down?”
Patient: “Ohhhhhh, could it be E01? I wondered why the [Brand] was upside down!”
The Squeaky Migraine Gets The Grease
AWESOME, CURRENT EVENTS, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA, VANCOUVER, WASHINGTON | HEALTHY | MARCH 25, 2021
Despite the fact that I’m at very high risk of death from a certain health-crisis-related illness, I’m unable to get a vaccine since my state has not prioritized people like me. I complain about this to anyone who brings it up.
Upon the third day of waking up with a migraine, I go to urgent care where there is also a vaccine site. For their records, they ask if I’ve gotten the vaccine yet. I proceed with my usual rant about it even though I feel terrible. After two different injections for the migraine, I finally feel better and go home.
That afternoon the physician’s assistant I saw earlier calls me. The vaccine clinic has extra doses and she offers to hold one for me if I can be there in half an hour. Of course, I say yes and race back there.
And that’s the story of my two visits to urgent care in one day, three shots, a very nice and caring PA, and the only time I’ve ever been happy to have a three-day migraine.
Why Do We Even Have Those Things?
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | MARCH 22, 2021
I am the author of this story. I have another story that involves my sweet-tempered and loving son. We are at the doctor’s office. My son has a condition where the usual treatment is penicillin, which he is highly allergic to. The doctor comes in, asks some questions, and then walks out to get some medicine and a needle.
The doctor walks back in, grabs an alcohol wipe, and starts swabbing my son with it, and then she starts to edge the needle close to him.
Son: “Um, what is that?”
Doctor: “Oh, it’s just penicillin. Nothing to worry about.”
My son pulls his arm away, and I am instantly ticked.
Me: “He can’t have penicillin! He’s allergic!”
Doctor: “Well, sorry! How was I supposed to know?”
Son: “It’s on my chart!”
Doctor: “It’s not my job to look at that!”
Me: “What the f*** is your job, then?!”
Our shouting brought another doctor into the room, and when he heard the story, he told the first doctor to wait in his office. He gave my son a different treatment option, which we took. We switched to him shortly after, and now that previous doctor glares at us every time we go there!
That Part Of The Body NEVER Made Men Wise
DENTIST, HEALTH & BODY, SONS & DAUGHTERS, USA | RELATED | OCTOBER 18, 2019
(My son has just gotten his wisdom teeth pulled, and he’s still loopy from the drugs. He starts crying.)
Son: “Dad, they cut my penis off.”
Me: “No, they didn’t, son.”
Son: “Are you sure?
Me: “I promise, it’s still there. I wouldn’t let them cut your penis off.”
My Brother: “They tried, but he put up a fight.”
Me: *nudges him* “It’s still there.”
Son: *reaches down his pants* “THANK GOD! I STILL HAVE IT! DAD’S A HERO!”
(He doesn’t remember any of this, but my brother loves teasing him about it.)
Chaos, Panic, Relief
FUNNY, HOSPITAL, NEW ZEALAND, NON-DIALOGUE, NURSES, STUDENTS | HEALTHY | MARCH 20, 2021
I’m a student nurse out for a three-week practicum on a high-acuity hospital ward. Through sheer bad luck, during the first week us students are there, there are a lot of medical emergencies: cardiac arrests, patients found unconscious, comas, and vital sign measurements dangerously out of normal range. On one particular day, the emergency alarm goes off four different times, sending the whole staff running to help and sometimes taking hours to resolve with a whole team present.
Come 2:00 pm, we’re all frazzled and exhausted. Just as we sit down to write the notes for the shift of chaos, from behind the nurses’ station we hear a desperate cry: “Oh, my God, help me! Somebody help! [Nurse], help me!”
Once again, we all go running. A couple of the staff get there before me, and as they arrive on the scene I hear a crowd start laughing, as if someone has fallen for a prank, and the staff who ran to help look relieved and then disperse. I vaguely recall a passing comment I overheard at 7:00 this morning: there was going to be a CPR training happening that day that we had forgotten about because we knew we’d be too busy.
Mystery solved! All was well, everyone was safe! They’re just running a scenario!
Except the CPR training is being run by and for experienced hospital clinicians, and they are all extremely familiar with what a realistic medical emergency sounds like and aren’t afraid to show it.
They somehow manage to last for ten minutes with loud, dramatic, distressed hyperventilating, with the occasional, “Help me!” and, “Oh, no, she’s unconscious! What are you going to do?!” and, “Get help!”
All the while, the rest of us are huddled down in the nursing station trying to write our notes and failing to tune out the sound of very realistic respiratory distress happening a few meters away.
For some reason, we don’t find that particularly calming after our adrenaline-filled day.
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