Marriage Of The Undead
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 24, 2014
(I work in a call center for a student loan servicing company. I deal with many difficult callers each day, as people get very upset over their loans. I have just spent an hour arguing with a woman as to why her loans were delinquent and I am quite frazzled.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “I received a letter from you that says ”our condolences on the loss of your son.”
(I check the account. The borrower has indeed been reported as deceased and we are waiting for the death certificate in order to discharge the loans.)
Me: “Yes, sir. I am terribly sorry for your loss. Do you have any questions on the discharge process?”
Caller: “Yes. My son isn’t dead.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Caller: “Yeah, do you want to talk to him?”
Me: “Uh… yes, please.”
Caller: “Okay. Here he is.”
Son: “Hello. As far as I know, I am not dead, unless I am the first recorded instance of the zombie apocalypse.”
(At this point I start giggling helplessly. The son laughs, too.)
Son: “Out of curiosity, why do you guys think I’m dead?”
Me: “Well, sir, you were reported deceased by [Name].”
Son: “Oh. That’s my ex-wife. She must have been trying to mess up my credit. Is this going to hurt me at all?”
Me: “Not in the slightest, sir.”
Son: “Ha. Sucks to be her. Have a lovely day, miss.”
Problem Is Too Stupid To Recognize It Exists
EDITORS' CHOICE, STUPID, TECH SUPPORT, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 1, 2008
Caller: “Hi, I want to use my roommate’s computer but it’s not working.”
Me: “Could you describe the problem?”
Caller: “Well, there’s a sign next to it that says, ‘In case of error, PEBCAK.’ Could you explain it?”
Me: *tries not to laugh* “It’s short for, ‘Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard.'”
Caller: “Oh! I get it! Hold on…”
(I hear a loud cracking sound and some faint swearing.)
Caller: “It’s still not working!”
Me: “Er… What did you do?”
Caller: “I took away the wooden bit under the keyboard… Now it’s right over the chair!”
Smelling A Sale
RETAIL | RIGHT | DECEMBER 23, 2013
(I work at a mall perfume counter. It’s close to Christmas. Many people are running around like crazy. It’s my first Christmas at this job. I’m very nervous about approaching people who look like they’re in a hurry. Two of my coworkers have already been yelled at by some hurrying customers. I see a customer, sort of casually strolling through, and decide to try her.)
Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Would you like a sample of this cologne?”
(The customer gives me a blank look.)
Customer: “What for?”
Me: “For… well, just to smell.”
Customer: “But I’m not a man.”
Me: “Well, no. But maybe you’re looking for a last minute gift for some man in your life?”
Customer: “There is no man in my life! They’re all dead!”
(I am horrified and speechless. The customer bursts into giggles.)
Customer: “Sorry. You all just look so nervous and bored over here. I thought I’d have a bit of fun! That’s [Perfume Name], right? I’ll have four.”
Perhaps This Isn’t Your Calling
CONSTRUCTION | RIGHT | JULY 9, 2014
(I’ve just started a new job as a secretary for a house construction company. The former secretary is training me.)
Former Secretary: “This job is a snap. Answering the phone is the easiest part. All they ever want is lot prices or house prices. Oh, the phone is ringing now; go ahead and answer it.”
Me: “Good morning. Thank you for calling [Company Name]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “I need you to fix my hot tub.”
Me: “One moment please, sir.” *to the former secretary* “This guy wants us to fix his hot tub.”
Former Secretary: “What?”
(The former secretary takes phone, talks a little, and then hangs up.)
Former Secretary: “He had the wrong [Company Name]. He thought he was calling the head office of the hotel he’s staying at. That was weird. Oh, the phone’s ringing again.”
Me: *answers phone*
Caller: “THEY’RE CUTTING DOWN MY TREES! MAKE THEM STOOOPPP!”
Me: “One moment please, sir.” *to former secretary* “Um, this guy says ‘they’ are cutting down his trees.”
Former Secretary: “Are you kidding?”
Me: “I thought answering the phones here was supposed to be easy?”
Lost In No Translation
COFFEE SHOP, FUNNY, THE HAGUE, THE NETHERLANDS, TOURISTS/TRAVEL, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 9, 2010
(A lost-looking tourist enters the shop.)
Tourist: “Do any of y’all speak American?”
Me: *joking* “I’m sorry, but we can only speak English.”
Literally Dog Eared
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PETS & ANIMALS, REFUND, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | AUGUST 19, 2009
(A customer hands me really tattered and torn CD.)
Customer: “I’d like to exchange this CD for another copy. It doesn’t play.
Me: “What on earth have you done with it?”
Customer: “Well, since there obviously was something wrong with the CD, I gave it to my dog to play with. You’re just going to return it, right? So who cares about what condition it’s in?”
Expired Pass And Expired Logic
CALL CENTER, TRAVEL AGENCY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 18, 2011
(I work in a call center for a travel company that sells attraction passes. We often get calls from customers that buy the products without actually reading the website, so they have no idea how the products work.)
Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How may I help you today?”
Customer: “Excuse me, I am trying to get into [attraction] and they are not letting me in. Tell them that I have your card so I can get in.”
(I get her card information so I can check the activity on her card.)
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it seems that your card expired yesterday. You only purchased a three day pass and all three days have been used.”
Customer: “I know that. Get me into [attraction]!”
Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. If your pass has already expired, you cannot use it.”
Customer: “So you’re telling me that if I used all three days on my pass, I can’t go to the attractions anymore?”
Me: “That is correct. If you bought a three day pass and you used all three days, you will not be able to use the pass to get into any attractions.”
Customer: “Well, nobody told me that! I want a refund for not being able to get into [attraction] today!”
(This call goes on for 20 more minutes. Needless to say, she did not receive a refund.)
27 Stresses
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, RETAIL | RIGHT | MARCH 30, 2011
(It is prom season. We have a lot of girls coming in to try on dresses. Three girls have been trying on heaps of dresses. They finally select the ones they want.)
Me: “I see you’ve made your final selection! If you just bring them to the register, I’ll be happy to ring you up.”
(Their mother walks over.)
Mother: “Oh, what lovely dresses!”
Girl: “Yeah. We had to go through a lot of dresses before we found anything decent.”
(The mother gets a weird look on her face.)
Mother, to me: “Excuse me, miss?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am?”
Mother: “Are those the dressing rooms?”
Me: “Yes.”
Mother: “Do you mind if I run in there for a minute?”
Me: “Go ahead!”
(The mother walks in, and sees all the dresses on the floor of the dressing rooms. She comes out fuming.)
Mother: “You girls march right in there, pick up every dress, and hang them back up! Right now!”
Girl: “Why? It’s her job!”
Mother: “I did not raise a bunch of pigs! Get in there now, or you won’t be going to prom!”
Donut Underestimate The Sweetness Of Employees
RESTAURANT | WORKING | MARCH 15, 2013
(My friend and I are just 6 years old. We’ve found five cents on the ground and go into a takeaway/corner shop to see if they had any lollies (sweets) for that amount.)
My Friend: “Excuse me, do you have anything for five cents here?”
Server: “Hmm, let me see. I think so. Oh, yes, you can have these…”
(He proceeds to give us a bag of four hot donuts.)
Server: “…and you can keep the change.”
(He hands the five cents back to us. 20 years later and I still haven’t forgotten his generosity!)
Any Sliver Of Hope
RETAIL | RIGHT | OCTOBER 31, 2011
(I am standing at the door greeting customers. An elderly gentleman is waiting to get in as I answer a question for the customer ahead. I have already checked his membership card.)
Me: “You can go on in, hon. I’ve already seen your card.”
(The man continues to stand there while I speak with another customer.)
Me: “Did you need anything, sir?”
Customer: “No, but you called me hon, so I thought I might stick around a while…”
Please Consult The Chameleon Circuit, Part 2
YOGURT SHOP | WORKING | MAY 20, 2013
(While cleaning a yogurt machine before opening, I hear the landing noise of the TARDIS. I’m a huge Doctor Who fan.)
Me: “NO WAY!”
(I run to front of store and see no TARDIS. I walk back to office and find my coworker.)
Coworker: *chuckling* “You didn’t think that was real, did you?”
Be Open-Minded About Holiday Closing
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 26, 2014
(It is Christmas Eve and we are closing at six pm. The manager is standing by the front door telling the customers we are closing in five minutes. A customer runs in.)
Manager: “Excuse me, ma’am. Just to let you know we are closing in five minutes.”
Customer: “But I have a lot I need to get.”
Manager: “Yes but we are closing at six pm so our employees can be with their families tonight.”
Customer: *in a huff* “Well, in that case I am going to [Competitor] across the street.”
Manager: “Then you’d best hurry; they are closing at six tonight, too.”
Customer: “What? Why?”
Manager: “Because it’s Christmas Eve and their employees want to be with their families, too.”
Customer: “Well, what time do you open tomorrow?”
Manager: “We’re closed all day tomorrow. It’s Christmas.”
Customer: “What about [Competitor]?”
Manager: “They’re closed, too. Same reason.”
Customer: “Well, that is so rude!”
(The customer storms off. The manager locks the door after her.)
Manager: “I haven’t worked retail for 38 years for nothing.”
Appalling On-Calling
HOSPITAL | WORKING | NOVEMBER 2, 2013
(I am the only person in our staff of computer services workers for the hospital to do the after-hours and weekend on-call duty. This weekend, I have arranged to give on-call duty to another person, since I am moving house. The change in on-call procedure has been sent out as a system-wide email, and is posted on the first login screen every staffer uses. At 11:30 pm, I get a call on my personal cell phone. All on-call requests are supposed to go to the pager the department owns, so I answer, thinking it is a friend.)
Me: “Hello?”
Caller: “Hello, [My Name], it’s [Name] on Switchboard. My monitor’s colors look a little weird; can you come in and replace it?”
Me: “I’m afraid not. I arranged over a month ago to have [Coworker] take on-call duty this weekend, since I’m moving house. That change is posted all over—”
Caller: “But I can’t see the colors right!”
Me: “I’m not the staffer on call this weekend; you’ll have to call [Coworker]. Besides, the system is monochrome. You don’t need accurate colors.”
Caller: “[Coworker] won’t come out for this! Besides, it isn’t the system I need.”
Me: “What program are you using?”
Caller: “I’m surfing the internet!”
Me: “Can you get into the system and use it?”
Caller: “Of course!”
Me: “So you are calling me because you can’t do something you are not supposed to be doing, after you’ve been informed that I am not the on-call person this weekend? I’m not coming in for this. Call [Coworker].”
Caller: “I’m going to report you to your boss and HR!”
(The caller actually did. When my boss asks me about the invective-laden email that was sent to both him and the head of HR, I told him what really happened and why I refused to come in to work and change out the monitor. The caller got read the riot act by the head of HR!)
I Should Be So Ducky
FAST FOOD | RIGHT | MARCH 21, 2013
Me: “Hi, welcome to [fast food place]! How can I help you?”
Elderly Customer: “Yes. I’ll have a small hamburger, a small fry, and a small coffee, for here, please.”
Me: “Certainly. Would you like cream and sugar with your coffee?”
Elderly Customer: “Of course. Two cream, and two sugar, please.”
Me: “Your total is $[total].”
(The Elderly Customer hands me more than enough to cover the meal.)
Elderly Customer: “Keep the change.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We’re not allowed to take tips.”
Elderly Customer: “Really? What’s this world coming to! Customers should be allowed to tip for good service.”
Me: “I’m really sorry about that, sir. Here’s your food. Is there anything else that you would like?”
Elderly Customer: “No, thanks.”†
(He takes his food off to the lobby. A short while later, he’s back at my register.)
Me: “Did you need a refill on your coffee, sir?”
Elderly Customer: “Yes, please.”
(I refill his coffee. When I return with his cup, he takes it, smiles at me, and leaves the store. Sitting on the counter where he was standing, is a small balloon duck. The duck has a note.)
Note: “This isn’t a tip; he’s a gift. I hope that he brings a smile to your face.”
Not So Plainly Understood
RESTAURANT | WORKING | JANUARY 30, 2014
(My mother has a severe mustard allergy. Even a small bit will make her violently ill. We are at a drive-up fast food restaurant where you park next to a speaker and the food is brought to your car. My mother orders a plain hamburger. The employee brings our our meal, and my mother checks her sandwich before biting into it. It is covered in ketchup and mustard.)
Mother: *presses button speaker* “My sandwich is wrong. It needs to be PLAIN.”
(The employee comes out looking annoyed, takes the sandwich, and leaves without saying a word. A few minutes later she returns, practically throws the food at my mother, and leaves again. My mother opens the sandwich and explodes. It is the same sandwich with the condiments just partially scraped off. She rings the speaker again and requests a manager, and explains what has happened. The manager comes out to the car and starts speaking to my mother as if she’s a child.)
Manager: “[Employee] remade your sandwich completely, ma’am. She told me so. It’s not the same food.”
Mother: “YES, IT IS!”
Manager: “No. She remade it.”
(My mother silently holds up the sandwich and opens the bun to show that it’s still covered in ketchup and mustard.)
Manager: “I… see. I apologize. I’ll be right back with another one.”
(We would have loved to be a fly on the wall when the manager got her hands on the employee who had lied to her and made her look foolish.)
Doing Right(click) By The Aged
TECH SUPPORT | RIGHT | AUGUST 12, 2013
(I work for a company that produces a word processing software, which I am supporting.)
Me: “Thank you for calling technical support. Can I have your case number?”
(The customer provides the information. Just by the voice, I know the customer is an older lady. Usually, this means a 45+ minutes call, just because of the technology challenges.)
Me: “Could you right-click on the start button?”
Customer: “Okay, I have programs, documents, settings—”
Me: “That’s left-clicking. Could you please right-click on the start button?”
Customer: “Okay, but I still get programs, documents, settings.”
Me: “Could you describe to me, visually and step by step, what you are doing?”
Customer: “I’m putting the mouse cursor over the right part of the word ‘start’, and I click.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry; I was not clear. Is it possible for you to click using the right mouse button?”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Okay, please pick up your mouse by the wire, and hold it up in the air.”
Customer: “I feel stupid.”
Me: “No, ma’am, you’re not. We’re all starting from different points. I’m a geek, so it’s normal if I’m a bit ahead of the curve, as far as this stuff goes. I just need to make sure that we’re on a level field, here.”
Customer: “Okay, it’s in the air.”
Me: “Great! Between your wire and your palm-resting are—”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Okay, put it flat again, and put your hand on your mouse, as if to use it.”
Customer: “Oh, I get it, the place where my palm is resting.”
Me: “Exactly. Pick it up again. Between the wire and the palm-resting area, there is an area that is divided vertically. How many sections are there?”
Customer: “Two”
Me: “Great! Ma’am, I would like to formally introduce you to your left mouse button and your right mouse button. So when I ask you to right-click—”
Customer: “You want me to use the right mouse button!”
Me: “You’re a smart one!”
(It turns out that the older lady is 96 years old. She was doing her shuffleboard association’s newsletter, and her software had become thoroughly corrupted and needed to be reinstalled. We spend over an hour and a half. This lady had seen the advent of movies, TV, color TV, had seen the Model T, saw the first planes, radio and all. When I will be 96 years old, I just hope I am as technologically savvy as she is!)
It Pays to Be Not Always Right
KIOSK, RETAIL | RIGHT | OCTOBER 29, 2012
(I’m the customer at a drink concession stand at a music festival. Sodas are $2 and special flavored waters (watermelon or blackberry) are $3.)
Me: “I’ll have a Sprite.”
Cashier: “We are all out of Sprite, sorry.”
Me: “Dang. I’d like a [brand of flavored water], but I only have $2. I’ll have a Coke.”
Cashier: “Would you like Blackberry or Watermelon?”
Me: “Coke.”
Cashier: “Blackberry or Watermelon?”
Me: “COKE.”
Cashier: *very slowly, with a knowing look on her face* “Blackberry or Watermelon?”
Me: “COKE!”
Another Cashier: *to me* “She’s trying to give you the water for the price of the soda.”
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