Have A Heart, Use Your Brain

All Of The Above
PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 23, 2019
(One of my medications is delivered to my home through a specialty pharmacy. Every month they call to verify my information and see if anything has changed. At the end of our conversation, the Home Delivery Pharmacist — HDP — reverifies my medical history before finalizing the order.)

Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Okay… I see here this is from [Hospital Doctor]. Did you see him recently?”

Me: “Yes, while I was in-patient at [Hospital] last month.”

Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Okay. Have you been to the ER, had an infection, or been hospitalized in the last 90 days?”

Me: “Yes, all three.”

Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Which one?”

Me: “All of them.”

Home Delivery Pharmacist: “No. ER, infection, or hospital. Which one?”

Me: “Um… all of the above. All three.”

Home Delivery Pharmacist: *annoyed* “No, ma’am. Were you in the ER, did you have an infection, or were you hospitalized in the last 90 days?”

Me: “Yes! I went to the ER because I couldn’t breathe. I found out I had a lung infection and I was hospitalized for 21 days.”

Home Delivery Pharmacist: “Oh.” *sour tone* “You could have just said yes. We’ll ship this tomorrow.” *hangs up*

Unfiltered Story #172114
COLUMBUS, OHIO, PHARMACY, USA | UNFILTERED | OCTOBER 22, 2019
(Note: I’m the bad customer here)

Recently, I got sick with a very bad cold that among other things, caused me to lose my voice for an extended period. My mother then proceeded to catch this cold, along with a pneumonia, and had to be hospitalized in the ICU with a tube down her throat. My dad has been by her side the whole time and left his phone charger at home, so I go out to get him a new one. It’s Halloween when this happens, which happens to be my mother’s favorite holiday, and I’m very aware of her condition on her favorite day of the year, so I’m not in the best of moods. I eventually find a CVS and buy a phone charger, in the process ruining the night of the cashier.

Me: (hands cashier items)

Cashier: “How are you tonight?”

Me: *Raspy and irritable* “Not great”

Cashier: “Is it because everyone else is ‘too cool for school’?”

(Note: We’re right next to a major university on Halloween, he probably thought I was having a bad night for more normal reasons.)

Me: ” No, it’s because my mother is intubated in the ICU.”

Cashier: (says something about how the ICU here is very good, but is clearly not expecting my response)

(That was a bad night for me, and as I walked out, I felt really bad about ruining that guy’s night as well. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.)

Mosquitoes Are Satan’s Creation
OHIO, PHARMACY, RELIGION, SILLY, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 16, 2019
(A man is buying some insect repellent.)

Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

Customer: “Yeah, thankfully. Listen, I’m a good Christian and I know God wants us to love our neighbor and forgive others of their sins, but… f*** mosquitoes. Seriously.”

Me: “…” *hands him a receipt* “Have a nice day, sir.”

Customer: *suddenly smiling* “You, too!”

He Has A Very Descriptive Past
AUSTRALIA, BAD BEHAVIOR, EMPLOYEES, NEW SOUTH WALES, PHARMACY, SYDNEY | WORKING | OCTOBER 14, 2019
(My dad is regaling me with stories on a drive. As we go past a chemist

Dad: “That was the chemist that used to provide your grandfather with the drugs that kept him alive for ten extra years. The main pharmacist sold the place to someone else and when the new people opened up the computer records they found all sorts of horrible comments attached to people’s files: ‘Ugly, old b****,’ ‘Impotent pin-d**k,’ ‘Nice tits on her,’ etc.”

(Fast forward ten years and I am handing in a prescription at a chemist on the other side of the city. The pharmacist looks at my name on the script and says

Pharmacist: “Oh, [My Uncommon Surname]! Did you have a grandfather that lived in [Town of the first chemist]?”

Me: “Yes, I did.”

Pharmacist: “I used to own the chemist there and saw your grandfather often. I sold that place and moved here about ten years ago.”

Me: “Oh, really, how about that…” *smiles and nods, pulls my cardigan closed, backs slowly out of the place, and makes a mental note not to go back there*

Unfiltered Story #169589
PHARMACY, USA | UNFILTERED | OCTOBER 13, 2019
A vaguely semi-regular patient without insurance filled a few prescriptions, picked them up, etc. This is a rough approximation of the call I later received from the patient’s spouse, edited to maintain patient privacy.
Caller: My spouse, xxx, filled medicine xxx at your pharmacy. You do price matches, right?
Me: Sir/Ma’am, your spouse already picked up the medicine earlier in the day. Price matches are something that are done when filling the medicine, not after the fact.
Caller: But I called [competitor] beforehand, and their price was xxx, that’s xxx less! I told them to tell you to price match! (Clearly, the spouse didn’t listen, because the words “price match” had never crossed their lips. Also, I find it very presumptuous that they said to tell me to price match without even knowing whether we do so in he first place, as opposed to saying to ask me to call the competitor for a price match.)
Me: They did not mention price matching at any point during the filling, and as I said before, I cannot retroactively price match. It isn’t even possible in my computer system.
Caller: But that’s a lot of money, and we’re regulars and fill things at your pharmacy all the time! They only picked it up like five minutes ago! (It was about 25% less. Also, I’d made the prices extremely clear at the time of drop off, providing ample opportunity for the prescription to be taken elsewhere or a price match to be asked for. And to top it off, the prescription had actually been picked up almost an hour before.)
Me: Unfortunately, there isn’t any way for me to price match something that is already picked up, it’s not physically possible in the system in the first place.
Caller: …
After about fifteen seconds of silence from the other end of the line during which I asked multiple times if the caller was still there, the line disconnected abruptly.

Finally Registers The Reason Why
AT THE CHECKOUT, CALIFORNIA, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, RUDE & RISQUE, SAN DIEGO, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 7, 2019
(I am stocking shelves at a pharmacy. An elderly gentleman, at least in his 70s, walks up to me and looks at my nametag.)

Customer: “Mister [My Name], yes, I was wondering if you could open up a register for me?”

(I look at the cashier stands. Two are operating, and the lines are not busy at all.)

Me: “The wait shouldn’t be very long. Is there a problem?”

Customer: “I really just need you to open a register for me, please.”

Me: *very confused* “I assure you, the ladies running the registers right now are competent and will have you out the door in no time.”

Customer: “That’s just it. They are ladies…”

(He turns to me and exposes the large box of condoms he has secreted in his jacket.)

Customer: “I wouldn’t be so brazen!”

Me: “Right this way, sir.”

Lunch Is Dangerous To Your Health
ARKANSAS, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, JERK, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 25, 2019
(At my pharmacy, we have only one pharmacist on the weekends. Because of that, we have to close for a half-hour on the weekends due to labor laws so that our pharmacist can get a lunch. We close at the same time every weekend to avoid confusion with regular customers. At exactly two minutes to lunch, a man comes rushing up to the pharmacy.)

Husband: “I just got out of the emergency room. My doctor told me I need all of these right away, especially the pain medication.”

(He proceeds to hand me about five new prescriptions.)

Me: “I apologize, sir, we are about to close for our scheduled lunch, but we would be happy to fill it for you in thirty minutes when we get back.”

Husband: “I can’t wait! We’re traveling to Texas and I need my medicine!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but if we don’t leave right now, our systems will shut us out. We are required to take a lunch at this time.”

(He takes his prescriptions and stomps away. As we are getting ready to close everything up, his wife comes over.)

Irate Wife: “Why won’t you fill his medication?!”

Me: “Ma’am, we will be happy to fill his prescription as soon as we get back from lunch.”

Irate Wife: “This is ridiculous. Where else am I supposed to get this medication?”

(The pharmacist decides to step in.)

Pharmacist: “Ma’am, we have to close for lunch now, but we’ll be back in thirty minutes and will be happy to fill your husband’s prescriptions then.”

Irate Wife: “We’re travelling; we don’t have time to wait!”

Pharmacist: “If I may ask, where are you travelling to?”

Irate Wife: “We’re on our way to Texas.”

Pharmacist: “If you don’t want to wait here for the medicine, there is another pharmacy in our chain on your route. By the time you get there, they will be back from their lunch and be able to fill your medicine.”

Irate Wife: “This is ridiculous! I want all of your names; I’m reporting you to home office!”

(Our pharmacist calmly gives her our names and the woman leaves with her husband.)

Fellow Pharmacy Technician: “So, she’s reporting us for… following the law?”

Me: “Yes. Yes, she is.”

This One’s A No-Brainer
AUSTRALIA, NEW SOUTH WALES, PHARMACY, SYDNEY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 13, 2010
Customer: “My mother is taking some medication and it is making her sick. Can you stop giving it to her?”

Me: “I’ll have to ask the pharmacist for you. What medication is it?”

Customer: “It’s a little white pill.”

Me: “You don’t know the name of it, sir? We do have many white pills in the pharmacy.”

Customer: “I think it’s for her heart… or her brain.”

Noah Already Had Two Customers On The Ark
PHARMACY, STUPID, WEATHER | RIGHT | OCTOBER 26, 2009
(Much of our area is suffering from massive flooding. A man walks into our chain pharmacy, completely drenched from the chest down.)

Me: “Wow, what happened to you?”

Customer: “I tried to go to your other location and it was closed!”

Me: “That location is flooded, sir. There’s about four feet of water surrounding it.”

Customer: “I know! I had to wade all the way up to the door before I found out it was closed! How do you think I got so wet?”

Not A Case Of If, But When…
ALCOHOL, PARTY, PHARMACY, POLICE, TEENAGERS | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2009
(While waiting in line, I overhear a conversation between a teenager and a police officer, both of whom are also waiting. The boy has red plastic cups and ping pong balls in hand.)

Officer: “Can I ask what those are for?”

Teenage Customer: “No, no questions.”

Officer: “Where’s the party?”

Teenage Customer: “No parties.”

(The kid checks out, and as he’s walking out the door yells “SODA PONG!” and flicks his wrist.)

Officer: *to me* “Yeah, I’ll get the call in a couple of hours.”

Hard Drugs And Harder Pharmacists
CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, NEW JERSEY, PHARMACY, PHYSICAL, USA | RIGHT | JULY 31, 2009
(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Give me all the f****** medicine!”

(The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.)

Me: “The pharmacy is in the back of the store.”

Customer: “Oh… okay.”

(He holsters the airsoft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.)

Manager: “Who was that?”

Me: “Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy.”

Manager: “Why didn’t you call the police?”

(The teen runs screaming from the back of the store, out of the front door, followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35-year-old boxer built like a fridge.)

Me: “Doug started working today.”

There’s No Pills Like Home
EDITORS' CHOICE, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | JULY 17, 2009
(A patient called in to inquire about the medication she has just picked up.)

Me: *on the phone* “Pharmacy.”

Patient: “Hi, I just picked up this medication, and I think I may have a problem.”

Me: “Is there something incorrect with how it was filled?”

Patient: “No, it’s just that the cream here says to apply locally, and I’m going out of town tonight. I was wondering if I could still use it.”

Me: “Um… yes. Yes, you can.”

Patient: “Oh, okay, good… Oh… Oh, God. I just realized… Oh, my God, just forget I asked! How stupid of me!”

On The Bright Side, There Are Worse Orifices
HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID | HEALTHY RIGHT | JULY 15, 2009
Me: “[Pharmacy], how can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, your medicine is defective.”

Me: “Sir, why don’t I get your information so I can take a look at your profile.”

Customer: *gives his name and date of birth*

Me: “I see that the last prescriptions you filled were antibiotic and drops for your ear infection. Are your symptoms still bothering you?”

Customer: “Yes, and how the h*** do you expect me to fit this giant pill in my ear?”

Me: “Sir, that’s an antibiotic tablet. It’s meant to be taken orally.”

TMI Mom Tries To Help
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JULY 6, 2009
(A forty-something year old woman comes to the counter with her purchases. Amongst them is a box of condoms, which have security stickers on them. Before I scan the item, I swipe it a few times over the scanner to deactivate it.)

Customer: “Is it not scanning?”

Me: “No, I’m just deactivating the security sticker. I don’t want you to set off the alarm on the way out. Especially over condoms!”

Customer: “Oh I’m not embarrassed! They’re not for me, they’re for my son. I can’t even get an erection!”

Script Stupidity
HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | MAY 28, 2009
Customer: *holds up two bottles* “What’s the difference between these two medicines?”

Me: “The one on the left is a capsule; the one on the right is a tablet.”

Customer: “I mean, which one would be better?”

Me: “They’re exactly the same medicine, just in different forms. Most people buy whichever one is easier for them to swallow.”

Customer: “That’s just stupid! How can you swallow a bottle?”

Where There’s A Pill, There’s A Way
PHARMACY | RIGHT | MAY 21, 2009
(A customer comes in with a prescription for a narcotic pain reliever. He says that he was at the hospital with his wife and the hospital stole his pills, which is why he needs to get this prescription filled, even though his last prescription was just filled a few days ago.)

Me: “OK, sir, I talked to your doctor and he says I can fill your prescription.”

Customer: “Great, can I wait? I have no pills left and I really need it.”

Me: “It’ll be about 10 minutes.”

(10 minutes later.)

Me: “OK sir, your prescription is ready.”

Customer: “Hey, are those pills the same as this?” *holds up pill*

Me: “I thought you didn’t have any pills left, sir.”

Customer: “Well…I bought this off the street, to be honest with you.”

Me: “Oh…good.”

Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio
PATIENTS, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 12, 2009
Customer: “These things don’t work! They are hard to swallow and I nearly choked to death.”

Me: “Ma’am, they are suppositories. You don’t swallow them; you insert them rectally.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You unwrap them and insert them in your rectum.”

Customer: “What’s my rectum?”

Me: “Ma’am, please forgive me, but your rectum is your butthole.”

Customer: “Well, up yours, too!” *stalks off*

(This is not the first time someone misunderstood when we explained how to use a suppository. It’s the only time we can tell a patient, “Up yours,” and get away with it!)

Super Absorbent For Those Mentally Heavy Days
EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 23, 2009
(An elderly man calls up to the store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pharmacy]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my granddaughter came to visit me, and she bought me a birthday gift. It’s on the kitchen table, but I’m not sure what it is.”

Me: “Okay, well, what can you tell me about the product?”

Customer: “Well, the box says ‘K-O-T-E-X’. Can you tell me what that is, honey? What it’s used for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: Well, sir… that’s a feminine hygiene product.”

Customer: “Feminine hygiene? What’s the product for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: “Sir… it’s for women on their period.”

Customer: “Why would my granddaughter buy me Kotex?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir. Maybe you should ask her that.”

Customer: “So can I still use them to stir my Kool-Aid with? Because that’s what I’ve been using them for.”

Yeah, Definitely Contraindicated
DRUGS, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 21, 2009
(A patient walks up to the pick-up window looking like he just came from the emergency room.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanna drop this off…” *hands me an ER prescription*

Me: “Sir, this is the pick-up window. You need to drop off the prescription at the drop off window.”

Customer: “Where’s that?”

Me: “The counter at the entrance to the room with the big sign that says “Drop Off Window’.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “You know, you already waited in line so I’ll just take the prescription here. Have you ever had any medication here before?”

Customer: “I don’t know; have I?”

Me: “I’ll take that as a no. Do you have any allergies to medication?”

Customer: “Well, when I mix heroin and battery acid, I get a rash.”

Me: “…I’ll make a note on that.”

Bilingual Secret Shame
PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 20, 2009
Customer: “Excuse me, what are diaper couches?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Diaper couches.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what you mean.”

Customer: *points to the boxes of diapers* “That box! It says ‘diaper couches’.”

Me: *suddenly understanding* “Ma’am, that box says diapers, and then it says ‘couches’. That’s the French word for diapers.”

Customer: *looks around, then whispers* “Don’t tell anyone!” *leaves*