Circumcise What I Just Said From Your Minds
Australia, Hospital, Nurses | Healthy | October 20, 2019
(I have just given birth to my son and am with the nurse who is head of the maternity section. It just happens that we went to school together.)
Nurse: “So, we just have to get some things out of the way. First, do you want him circumcised?”
Me: “No, definitely not.”
Nurse: “Thank goodness. Do you know how horrible it is? They do it without anaesthesia and basically just cut the foreskin off with scissors. The poor babies go through so much pain, it makes me sick every time a parent wants it done, and I’m not allowed to try to talk anyone out of it or… um… say what I just said.”
Not What They Mean By Getting Plenty Of Bed Rest
Assisted Living, Golden Years, Michigan, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | October 19, 2019
(A group of residents with varying stages of dementia is sitting around a table having coffee near my desk in the front lobby. One of them asks a question of the others…)
Don’t Grit Your Teeth To This
Assisted Living, Golden Years, Sweden | Healthy | October 18, 2019
(I am helping an old lady getting ready for bed one evening at the nursing home. A part of that includes assisting her with brushing her teeth. Some old people have dentures, and I can’t remember whether this lady has or not.)
Me: “Do you have your own teeth?”
Resident: “Yes, I do.”
Me: “Okay, then, here’s your toothbrush.”
(The lady then pops out her dentures.)
Me: “I thought you had your own teeth?”
Resident: “I do. I bought and paid for them myself.
Smoking? There’s An App For That
Bad Behavior, Hospital, Kansas, Nurses, USA | Healthy | October 17, 2019
(I am in the hospital after falling down a flight of stairs. My ankle is fractured.)
Me: “Excuse me. Can you please hand me my phone?”
Nurse: “No.”
Me: “What? Why not?”
Nurse: *huffy* “Well, it says on your chart that you’re a smoker. I’m not going to give you your phone so you can buy more cigarettes.”
Me: “I wasn’t planning on buying anything; I wanted to update my family and friends.”
Nurse: “I don’t believe you. I know your kind. You think you’re special because you destroy your body with drugs. I’m not letting you buy drugs!”
Me: “All right, let’s see what a patient advocate thinks about what you just said.”
Nurse: *goes pale and hands me my phone*
(Later, when I told my dad about it, he told the doctor, who rolled his eyes and said we weren’t the first to complain.)
Choked By Your Own Doctor
Doctor/Physician, Ignoring & Inattentive, Iowa, Jerk, Medical Office, USA | Healthy | October 16, 2019
(I’ve had serious sinus/throat/ear problems for most of my life, along with pretty severe anxiety disorder; it’s so bad I was put on anti-anxiety meds at eight years old. Unfortunately, since I have an anxiety disorder, most of my problems have been brushed off as panic until they’re either too late to fix properly or until I fight with the doctors. I miss a pretty good bit of school because my ears hurt or I feel like I am choking, and I will go to the doctor each time. Each time, the pediatrician tells me, “It’s just a viral infection,” or, “It’s just your anxiety acting up.”)
Me: “I really don’t think this is viral; I’ve been coming in every month or so for two years or so.”
Doctor: “It’s just viral. I think you just like getting out of school, too.” *nudge nudge wink wink*
Me: “Uh, no. My grades are taking a hit. I can barely breathe and I feel like I’m choking constantly. This is not a panic thing, and it’s obviously not viral; otherwise, it wouldn’t always come back. Maybe you should do your job and actually figure out what’s wrong?”
Mom: *staring in shock because I’m not one to smart off*
Doctor: “If you can smart off like that, then you don’t need to see a pediatrician any more!”
(My mom schedules an appointment at a different doctor’s office, with a different doctor. I’m freaking out because I’ve never seen another doctor before in my fifteen years and many, MANY doctors appointments.)
New Doctor: *looks in my mouth* “Oh, my God! Your tonsils are huge. Like, can you breathe at all?”
Me: “No, not really. I always feel like I’m choking.”
New Doctor: “These have to come out.”
(So, I got my tonsils out, along with my adenoids. The surgeon told me they were the biggest he’d ever seen. I no longer feel like I’m being choked to death constantly. But having your tonsils pulled out at sixteen sucks.)
With So Many Fillings He Has Become Very Dense
Dentist, Jerk, Michigan, Patients, Stupid, USA | Healthy | October 15, 2019
Patient: “Why do I need an x-ray?”
Me: “To check for problems [Doctor] might have missed.”
Patient: “Problems like what?”
Me: “Cavities between your teeth and under your fillings, and gum disease.”
Patient: “If [Doctor]’s eyesight is so bad that he can’t even see cavities anymore, why is he still a dentist?”
Me: “There is nothing wrong with [Doctor]’s eyesight, sir. It would be impossible for anyone to look underneath fillings and in between your teeth.”
Patient: “So, I just let him poke around my mouth for nothing? Why didn’t you tell me that right away? I would have skipped the exam and just done the x-ray. Now I need to pay for something that is completely useless. You are ripping me off. I’ll get a second opinion.”
Me: “You are welcome to do that. But they’ll want to do an exam, as well.”
Patient: “I’ll tell them that you already did.”
Me: “They’ll still want to actually look at your teeth. Believe me.”
Patient: “So, you are trying to tell me that they’ll rip me off, too?”
Me: “Sir, an x-ray is more expensive than an exam.”
Patient: “Oh, if you do the x-ray, can I take that to my second opinion dentist?”
Me: “Yes.”
Patient: “So, I’m right. The exam is useless.”
Me: “Do you want an x-ray or not now?”
Patient: “Do I get a refund if you don’t find anything?”
A Cyst-emic Problem In Healthcare
Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Minnesota, USA | Healthy | October 14, 2019
(I get fed up with my old doctor refusing to do anything other than tell me to “just lose some weight” and I go to a new clinic.)
Doctor: “I see you changed practices. Do you have any medical files with you or are they sending them over?”
Me: “They might send them over, but they’re going to be next to empty and claim I’m only overweight. My last doctor didn’t pay any attention to any of the symptoms I would tell him about. If it doesn’t happen in front of him he thinks it doesn’t happen ever, and all he would ever tell me is that I need to lose weight. I know I need to, but I’ve honestly been dieting and exercising and nothing has happened. I’ve had hormone problems my entire life, but he just kept telling me to eat better.”
Doctor: “That sounds… bad. Okay, tell me what’s going on with your hormones, and I’ll have a nurse come in and draw your blood for labs. You also seem to have a small lump on your neck.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m prone to cysts. I was going to get it looked at if it didn’t go away. Getting them drained isn’t pleasant, so I wait and see if they take care of themselves before I go in.”
Doctor: “I’ll take a look at it, anyway. You’re already here, might as well.”
(I leave the appointment satisfied that the doctor didn’t mention my weight at all except to ask if I’ve noticed any fluctuation with it. A week later, the doctor calls me back in.)
Doctor: “I ran your labs and, like I thought, you also high levels of testosterone. You have something called–“
Me: “Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS?”
Doctor: “Exactly.”
Me: “I asked my old doctor about that years ago since I’m prone to getting cysts on my ovaries, but he never tested me for it.”
Doctor: “Well, I did, and you definitely have it. You also seem to have some thyroid problems, and I’d like for you to get a biopsy of the lump on your neck.”
Me: “Really?”
Doctor: “Yes, since I saw you last week, it’s gotten bigger, and I don’t think it’s a cyst.”
(It wasn’t. It was a cancerous tumor on my thyroid. When the surgeon opened me up to remove it, cancer had already spread to the surrounding lymph nodes, which then also had to be removed. After some radiation and chemo, I’m in remission, but if I had stayed with the old fat-shaming doctor, I’d be dead. Thankfully, that doctor retired and no longer “treats” patients.)
Eye Have No Idea What You’re Saying
Optometrist/Optician, Patients, Reception, Stupid, USA | Healthy | October 12, 2019
(I work as a receptionist and an assistant for an optometrist. I am discussing the exam costs with a patient who has no insurance.)
Patient: “What?! Why does an exam cost that much just to get a prescription?”
Me: “Well, ma’am, my doctor also checks the health of your eyes, not just giving a prescription.”
Patient: “That’s just stupid. Eyes are always healthy unless you need to see better!”
The Nutty Doctor
Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Sweden | Healthy | October 11, 2019
(A couple of years ago, I started having really low blood sugar levels. It turned out that I needed surgery but I could not get it right away. To try to help me during the wait, my endocrinologist referred me to a dietician so see if there were some diet changes I could do to reduce the risk of going so low I passed out. I am very allergic to nuts. I go to the dietician and she looks at my list of food that I have eaten for the last three days and asks if I have any allergies, which I tell her about.)
Doctor: “You need to eat a snack in the afternoon that keeps the blood sugar levels up better. A handful of nuts is good.”
Me: “I am allergic to nuts.”
Doctor: “So, as I was saying. You need to eat at least 60g for it to be good for you.”
Me: “Still can’t eat nuts. Allergy…”
Doctor: “But nuts are good for you.”
Me: “They might be good for other people, but I am allergic to nuts. Is there really nothing to replace them with?”
Doctor: “Nuts are good for everybody. They help stabilize the blood sugar.”
Me: “One more time, I am allergic to nuts. I will die if I eat them. I can’t have nuts.”
Doctor: “I don’t know why you came here if you don’t allow me to help you.”
Me: “I want help. I just can’t eat nuts. Are there any other foods that I can have as a snack?”
Doctor: “I recommend at least 60 grams of nuts as a snack.”
Professionals Are Scary
Doctor/Physician, Funny, Hospital, New York, USA | Healthy | March 27, 2022
Growing up, I had asthma problems and would spend an evening in the hospital about once every other year. I grew used to the atmosphere around medical professionals. But being bad at reading subtleties between “professional demeanor” and “serious case,” I became a joker. If I could make the doctor or nurse laugh? I knew they weren’t going to come back with a dire prognosis.
One year, I went in because of a suspected seizure. It was very scary. I had to run a gamut of tests and I was put in a room in neurology. The next day, the neurologist walked in.
Neurologist: “I’ve looked at all your scans, and I can’t find anything.”
Me: “Odd. I’m sure I had a box of rocks in there. Any idea where it went?”
The neurologist froze for a moment, turned, and walked out of the room. This left me terrified. No chuckle? This was seriously bad, then, right?
A nurse rushed in and came to my bedside, asking, “What happened?” I relay the events.
Nurse: “Oh, good. I just saw him leaning against a wall in the hallway covering his face and shuddering. I thought he was crying.”
Me: “Is he trying not to laugh?”
Nurse: “Yeah. He doesn’t like appearing ‘less than professional’ in front of patients.”
Should’ve Had Your Apples Today
California, Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Jerk, USA | Healthy | March 21, 2022
I was leaving a doctor’s visit when I had to walk by another doctor standing in the hallway. He had a chart in his hand and was facing one door, so I moved to go behind him. Just as I was between the doctor and the room he was not facing, he turned toward me. We nearly collided but I managed to stop just in time.
Me: “Oh, I—”
Doctor: *Scowling* “Never, never do that again.”
Me: “Do what?”
Doctor: “Stand in my way! You should more considerate of those around you going forward.”
Me: *Pauses* “Said the man in the middle of the hallway.”
The doctor glared at me as I moved past. I looked back and saw him entering the room he was facing originally. I was going to apologize originally, but after he scolded me, I was no longer sorry.
We’re All Tired, But None So Much As Healthcare Workers
Bad Behavior, Current Events, Health & Body, Hospital, Patients | Healthy | March 12, 2022
I work in healthcare. When you enter our hospital, you have to wear a mask. Duh, we’re a hospital. But of course, people come here trying to act smart. Just because we’re a hospital, it doesn’t mean we’ll let anything slide. We know that those “health reasons” for not wearing a mask don’t fly. We know that it’s not a HIPAA violation to ask if you’re vaccinated. But of course, some patients want to act high and mighty and righteous and are just looking for a fight. Or they are plain ignorant.
We had a patient who was insistent that the health crisis wasn’t real, even though he’d had a lengthy stay in the hospital with the illness in question.
We had a patient get mad that his mother’s appointment was rescheduled because she tested positive for the illness. He was mad because she couldn’t get Botox injections for her crow’s feet.
And then, we had this patient who called in before his daughter’s appointment.
Patient: “My daughter has [illness]. I don’t want to get it, so I’ve locked her in her room and I’m making her mother take care of her. I’ve been using hand sanitizer every hour, on the hour, and I have UV lights hanging up everywhere in the house. Anyway, I have an appointment at [time].”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we’ll have to reschedule it since someone in your household has [illness].”
He got angry.
Patient: “That’s ridiculous! I’m coming in anyway. I’ll just lie to your screeners at the front door!”
I added notes in his chart, marked “Important,” so he wouldn’t be able to.
Sometimes A Hairnet Is More Than Just A Hairnet
Australia, Current Events, Funny, Hospital, New South Wales, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Healthy | March 6, 2022
I had dreadful labour with my first child four years ago: forty-six unsuccessful hours where nothing went smoothly and which eventuated in an emergency caesarean under a general anaesthetic, followed by permanent nerve pain from the failed attempts of spinals and epidurals.
Fast forward to a couple of months ago. I am in the hospital being prepped for a second (planned this time) caesarean.
Things are all a bit scary, due to last time being so… well, scary… and we’re in the middle of a health crisis, so I am quite tense. I am most nervous about the epidural, but if my nerves hold up, I’ll let them attempt once, and if that doesn’t work, I’ll take the general.
I’m being prepped in various ways, with bed socks, fifty questions, and various other things. There’s time to kill before I am called in, so the nurse is pretty chill and taking her time coming to and fro with whatever props she might need.
I need the restroom and I don’t know how much time I have before I go, so I steal a moment mid-prepping.
When I return, my husband is sitting where he was, on the far side of my bed. I sit and the nurse returns. She asks us to put our hairnets on. I look all over the bed, thinking I’ve lost mime, but I realise I’ve not been given one. Suddenly, my husband looks a bit flushed.
Husband: *Embarrassed* “They gave me two hairnets while you were in the restroom. I thought they were shoe covers.”
The nurse was sympathetic, though; she had a little chuckle, but I full-on cracked up. He turned beet red but laughed along with me. The nurse said they no longer need to wear them on their feet and gave us two fresh nets.
A little later, my husband had to wait outside while they were attempting to give me an epidural. My obstetrician was in front of me, understanding my intense fear of the epidural, when I suddenly remembered the hairnets.
I chuckled to myself and my obstetrician looked confused. I had to tell her what my husband had done, and she laughed, too.
And just like that, the epidural was a success.
To this day, I don’t think what he did was that funny, but I don’t think that’s the point. The point is the fact that it was exactly what I needed at that moment, and so it still makes me laugh.
Stupid Or Scammer? We May Never Know.
Employees, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Phone, USA | Working | March 3, 2022
I work in a hospital. I receive a call at work from an outside number. We mostly receive internal calls, but sometimes staff or patients call from their personal phones, instead.
Me: “EEG department, [My First Name] speaking.”
I just hear a crackling sound.
Me: “Hello?”
Caller: “Yes, hello. I am calling from federal tax remediation.”
Me: “I’m sorry? You’re calling from where?”
Although it seems unlikely, I want to make sure I haven’t misheard and it’s not actually some sub-department of billing.
Caller: “From federal tax remediation. I need to speak to you about your—”
Me: *Cutting him off* “I’m sorry. I don’t think this call is meant for me.”
Caller: “No, this call is absolutely for you. We are calling about remediation for your federal tax return. Your return—”
Me: “Sir, you have called a hospital.”
Caller: “Ohhhh…”
Me: “Yeah. Goodbye.”
I hung up. I’m not sure how he expected to convince me the call was for me when he clearly wasn’t paying attention to my introduction.
How Can The Health Crisis Be Real If Hospitals Aren’t Real
Current Events, Health & Body, Hospital, Stupid | Right | February 25, 2022
I work at a hospital. A guy refused to listen to us about our mask policy.
Patient: “[Health crisis] isn’t real!”
The dude had spent a LENGTHY AMOUNT OF TIME in the hospital recently for that particular illness. If that illness isn’t real, I wonder why he thought he was in the hospital for weeks.
We’re So Exhausted On Your Behalf
Bad Behavior, Current Events, Health & Body, Hospital, Non-Dialogue, Security | Healthy | February 25, 2022
The lack of support from security at my hospital is insane. We have limited visitation due to rising health crisis cases.
Once, a whole family showed up when a patient was really only allowed one person. On top of it, they refused to follow the masking rules. How they got by screening, I’ll never know. Even if they wore masks downstairs, there’s no way a whole group should’ve been let up.
And when staff confronted them on the floor, they threatened to get violent with the nurses. When security finally showed up, they talked to the family for maybe ten minutes and didn’t even escort them out, saying, “They promised to leave in five minutes.” What a joke.
My favorite is [health crisis]-positive patients refusing to stay in their rooms and threatening to walk the halls to give everyone their illness, coughing in your face if you argue with them.
Then, there was an old man refusing to pull up his mask when asked, saying, “Honey, I would if I could,” rolling his eyes, and walking away. Surely, it’s more uncomfortable and inconvenient to wear it improperly?
I have more stories than I could possibly recount.
No One Has Ever Felt So Safe
Bigotry, Employees, Hospital, Lazy/Unhelpful, Security, Wild & Unruly | Right Working | February 22, 2022
I work in a hospital. One day, we had a woman come in screaming blatantly racist things to our black coworkers.
Woman: “You all belong on the back of the bus! You should go back to Detroit where you belong, [slurs]!”
No one had provoked her; she was just mad when we told her we had to call the doctor for her to put her orders into the system.
Security CASUALLY walked her out as the lady screamed:
Woman: “I’m going to watch you and run you over with my truck when you leave!”
She drove her black truck back and forth for HOURS in front of the hospital. She even got close to the front door and windows with it, driving up on the curb and sidewalk. Security wouldn’t do anything.
Finally, she took off, but security refused to do much about it. They threatened her with, “We’ll call the cops,” but they’d never do that.
How Do These People Become Doctors?!
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, Europe, Hospital | Healthy | January 23, 2022
My daughter has autism and PANS, which is a condition that has psychiatric and neurological symptoms. Recently, she has been complaining of pain in her right hand and foot. We go see a pediatric neurologist to see whether this is a real thing, or if she is using it as an excuse when she doesn’t want to do something. (It’s a possibility at her age.)
I know that pediatric neurologists mostly deal with epilepsy and less with muscle problems/neuropathy, which this resembles, but I can’t find out which one is more focused on that, so we go to the “top” guy.
I enter beforehand by myself to explain everything — that we need him to find out if it’s real and that it could be her fibbing. My daughter comes in and the doctor positively booms at her:
Doctor: “Look, I want to show you this song online!”
Very urgently, I ask him to turn off the video on his phone, because her ONLY big fear is unknown music videos. My daughter’s eyes have gone wide and her hands are pressing her headphones into her ears.
Doctor: *To me* “Shut up!”
My daughter finds her words and tells him to turn it off, and in a big show of bravery, she doesn’t run out of the examination room.
He gives her paperwork a very thorough look and tells us rambling stories about his work. My daughter is shuffling around and ends up sitting in his lap while he is talking to us; she is friendly like that. At one point, the doctor grabs her by surprise in a tight hold.
Doctor: “We will give you a big injection now!”
I am happy to say that my daughter has great experience with doctors and me and knows that I am the one calling the shots and that no surprises ever happen, so she looked at me and I quickly let her know that there wouldn’t be any shots today. I was not opposing the doctor. There was no shot; this was his amazing idea of a joke!
The whole time, he never once examined her physically. In the end, he gave us the recommendation for a multivitamin — at which I rolled my eyes — and a comment on the fact that I am “pretty feisty” and that he “respects that”.
Sadly, the doctor didn’t know that my husband is the lawyer for this group of hospitals, but he will find out pretty soon. We did find a specialist for neuromuscular problems and she is having a big, proper exam at another hospital in a few weeks.
Isn’t That Against The Geneva Convention?
Belgium, Family & Kids, Funny, Hospital, Spouses & Partners | Healthy | January 20, 2022
My mother was pregnant and about to give birth at the hospital. It was early in July and my mother was sweating profusely due to the effort of labor and the heatwave. A nurse gave my father a wet washcloth, assuming my father would wipe my mother’s face with it. Instead, he pressed it on her mouth and nose and started screaming:
Father: “Breathe! Breathe!”
A few minutes later, my brother was born safely. The nurses were still laughing. To this day, my father claims he doesn’t remember.
Does Anyone Else Suddenly Have Sweaty Palms?
Bad Behavior, Colorado, Denver, Hospital, Nurses, USA | Healthy | January 17, 2022
CONTENT WARNING: Needles
I’ve had a chronic illness since I was a baby, which has caused me to experience a lot of medical tests and treatments. When I was thirteen, I had a medical event and started breathing abnormally. My mom had to call 911, and I was taken to a children’s hospital. I was immediately admitted and put in a private room. I had a few tests, was put on oxygen, and was hooked up to a bunch of monitors. Then, a new nurse came in.
Nurse: *Visibly nervous* “Hi. I’m going to take some blood today.”
Me: “Okay, it’s no problem. I’m used to bloodwork and stuff.”
The nurse continued to look uncomfortable and started shuffling around the room, getting out supplies. I noticed that the needle he pulled out was really unusual, as it was extremely large and wasn’t an IV needle, which is what is usually used for blood work when someone is admitted to a hospital.
He sat down, and I could see that his hands were shaking violently. He put a large white towel under my arm and cleaned my entire arm with orange antiseptic, the kind used for surgical sites.
Me: “Why are you using that? Why not just use the regular alcohol wipes?”
He didn’t answer but started putting a tourniquet on my arm and handed me a stress ball.
Nurse: “Squeeze that as hard as you can.”
The nurse unwrapped the needle and I could fully see the size of it. It was enormous, and my heart started pounding. I’d never seen a needle like it, despite having constant IVs and blood draws throughout my life.
The nurse was now trembling like a leaf in the wind.
Nurse: “This is going to hurt… a lot. Stay still; that’s really important. Don’t move at all, even if it hurts.”
Me: “Okay…”
I was terrified. I had no idea what was going on or why a simple blood draw would hurt so badly.
Nurse: “Breathe in… and out…”
As I let my breath out, the nurse (still with shaking hands) held my wrist down and plunged the needle into my forearm. It was put in at a strange angle, pretty much at a full ninety degrees, and was stuck in very deep and forcefully. I was immediately overwhelmed with pain, my vision started tunneling, and it took every molecule of effort I had not to move or scream. It seemed like it took forever, but eventually, the tubes filled with blood and he pulled the needle out. Then, he just bandaged my arm and left, without acknowledging anything that had just happened.
I was fully weirded out by the entire experience. I was certain, at the time, that the nurse was incompetent or something, especially since he seemed so nervous.
It wasn’t until a full eight years later that I found out what even happened! I recently requested a copy of my records from that hospital and saw the write-up from that visit. I was floored to see that the test they were actually performing was an arterial blood gas (ABS)! In the test, a large needle is put straight into an artery, and it is considered to be extremely painful — so painful that it is unethical to perform it on anyone without giving them local anesthetic first. Not only was I not given local anesthetic (AS A CHILD AT A CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL), but nobody bothered to even explain what was going to happen, what test they were performing, or that it was any different than a regular blood draw or IV.
It truly was one of the most memorable (and horrible) things I’ve ever experienced in a medical setting, and I never went back to that hospital.
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