Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pregnant Woman Scorned
CANDY STORE, EDITORS' CHOICE, INSPIRATIONAL, MARRIAGE & PARTNERS, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 10, 2009
(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.)
Me: “Anything else?”
Customer: “Can you break a $100 bill?”
Me: “Actually, I can’t. We just opened and I haven’t gone to the bank today.”
Customer: “Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!”
(At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he’s buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.)
Me: “Sir, these aren’t for you, are they?”
Customer: “No.”
Me: “Did your pregnant wife send you out at eight in the morning to buy this candy?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you’re in even more trouble! You can come back and pay me later!”
(The customer bolted out the door. He later came back, visibly calmer, and paid.)
Hell In A Handbag
BOOKSTORE, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, RELIGION, UK | RIGHT | AUGUST 27, 2009
Me: “That will be 17.50, please.”
Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?”
Me: “Why do you ask?”
Customer: “Are you?”
Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?”
Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.”
Manager: “Good morning, ma’am, I hear you’ve been having a problem with the clerk?”
Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful. She’ll probably nick from the till when you’re not looking.”
Manager: “You’re right, ma’am. I shall definitely have to reprimand her.”
Me: *surprised* “What for?”
Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.”
(The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)
Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t even notice the devil putting them there!”
He Fought The Law, And The Law Won
BOOKSTORE, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, INSTANT KARMA | RIGHT | JUNE 22, 2009
(A man has been causing a ruckus at the registers for ten minutes and a line had formed behind him.)
Man: “I’m a lawyer and I know my rights! If you don’t take this return I’m going to sue the living s*** out of you.”
(A woman in a professional-looking business suit steps up to the register. In a cool professional voice, she asks to see the receipt that the man is waving. After a moment’s inspection, she gives him a hard stare over the rim of her glasses.)
Woman: “Sir, the store’s return policy is clearly printed on your receipt. They cannot take back opened CDs.”
Man: “But–”
Woman: “FURTHERMORE, by purchasing from this store, you are accepting the store’s return policy as a signed contract that you agreed to abide by.”
Man: “I–”
Woman: “IN ADDITION, by blatantly trying to circumvent this contract signed by you, no judge would rule in your favor.”
Man: “But I–”
Woman: “If you really were a lawyer, you would be fully aware of this fact. By claiming to be a lawyer when you are clearly NOT, you are committing an act of fraud, which can get you arrested.”
(The man turns white and flees the store without another peep.)
Woman: “I’ve had eight years’ experience working behind the registers, dealing with people like him. MAN, that felt GOOD!”
On The Straight And Narrow (Minded)
BAR, DATING, EDITORS' CHOICE, LGBTQ | RIGHT ROMANTIC | AUGUST 26, 2009
(I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by a male customer while I read a book.)
Male Customer: “Hello, my name is [Name].”
Me: “That’s nice.”
Male Customer: “So can I have your number?”
Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”
Male Customer: “You want to have sex with women?”
Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”
Male Customer: “That’s bull-s***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”
Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”
Male Customer: “You’re lying to me; that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”
Male Customer: *to a waitress* “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”
Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”
Male Customer: “Just do something about it!”
Waitress: *to me* “Hello, there.”
Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”
Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”
Male Customer: *looks horrified*
Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”
(I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)
Waitress:*to male customer* “See? She’s a lesbian.”
Male Customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”
Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”
Male Customer: *storms out cursing*
(It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)
A Good Ol’ Fashioned A** Whoopin’
BOSSES & OWNERS, EDITORS' CHOICE, RETAIL, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | AUGUST 27, 2008
Me: “Sir, would you like to use any coupons today?”
Customer: “Yes, I’ve been saving them. Here you go!”
(He hands me a coupon that had expired five years previously.)
Me: “Sir, your coupon is expired.”
Customer: “WHAT?! What do you mean it’s expired? You f***ing b****, you’re just trying to steal my f***ing money! You’re trying to rob me! You and this f***ing company are trying to steal my f***ing money!”
(The customer attempts to climb over the counter and attack me. Thankfully, my manager intercepts him.)
Manager: “Sir, I need you to come with me.”
(My manager hauls the customer off counter by the back of his collar and drags him outside. Ten minutes pass, and he comes back in hauling a very disheveled customer by the shirt.)
Customer: “Your manager told me that I need to apologize to you. I’m sorry for yelling.”
Manager: “Now, apologize for cursing at her.”
Customer: “I’m sorry for cursing at you.”
Manager: “Now, what’s our policy on expired coupons?”
Customer: “You don’t accept them.”
Manager: *to me* “Is he forgiven, or would you like to have him arrested?”
Me: “No, it’s okay. ”
Manager: *to customer* “Now get out, and don’t come back.” *throws customer out*
Making A Hug(e) Difference
CLOTHING STORE, EDITORS' CHOICE, INSPIRATIONAL | RIGHT | MAY 26, 2011
(I’m having a very bad day, having dealt with a series of unpleasant customers. I have a half-hearted smile on my face, when a six year old boy walks in. He stares at me for a second, then gives me a hug.)
Me: “Thanks, but where is your mommy?”
Boy: “She’ll be here soon.”
Me: “She might not want you hugging random strangers.”
(He shakes his head.)
Boy: “Mommy says retail people need more hugs. You looked like you needed one.”
Burned
CAMP, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY | RIGHT | JULY 30, 2008
(I’m a high ropes instructor and work with kids in the forest. There are “No Smoking” signs posted all over the place, but I see a woman smoking right next to a sign.)
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. There’s no smoking in this area.”
Customer: “Why not?”
Me: “Because it could start a fire.”
Customer: *snottily* “Well, I’ll make sure not to do that.”
Me: “Ma’am, you still can’t smoke in this area. There are children everywhere… the smoke’s not good for them.”
Customer: “Well, they’re my children, so it’s really my decision to make, isn’t it?”
Me: “Actually, as this is our property, it’s our decision. Please take your disgusting habit elsewhere.”
Customer: “Your FACE is disgusting.”
Me: “Well, ma’am, as soon as my face starts causing cancer, you can complain.
Love A Jedi Shall Know
AUSTIN, CRUSH, GEEKS RULE, GROCERY STORE, TEXAS, USA | RIGHT ROMANTIC | JANUARY 11, 2011
(I am at work and I see two girls from my college I know as acquaintances, but not as much more than that. I have a crush on one of them as she is really pretty and seems nice for the most part. I watch as she and her friend approach the register.)
My Crush: “No, you’re wrong! I’m telling you, he never said that!”
(I assume they are gossiping about something until I listen a little more to the conversation.)
Her Friend: “No, he did! He totally did! We watched it last night, stupid!”
My Crush: “Obi-Wan never says, ‘I love you, Anakin.’ The line is ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.’!”
Her Friend: “No!”
My Crush: *turns to me* “Oh, hey, [My Name]! What’s up?”
Me: “Not much. I’m good. And you’re right; Obi-Wan’s line was ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you.’”
My Crush: “Oh, my God, thank you!” *turns to her friend* “And you call yourself a Star Wars fan.”
(Her friend scowls, but they pay and say goodbye. I watch as they get to the automatic doors. Her friend pretends to use ‘The Force’ on them. Suddenly, my crush jumps in front of her.)
My Crush: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”
(I walked over and asked her out. We got married a month ago.)
Ah, Parents…
EDITORS' CHOICE, FAMILY & KIDS, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, SANDWICH SHOP, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 9, 2008
(The phone rings at around six-ish.)
Me: “Hello, this is D-…”
(I hear loud crying in the background.)
Man: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”
Mission: Impossible
EDITORS' CHOICE, JERK, KEY SHOP | RIGHT | AUGUST 3, 2009
Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”
Me: *I pick up some stuff* “Not a problem. I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”
Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”
Me: “Open your car.”
Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer. You can’t touch it!”
Me: “Then how do I open it?”
Customer: “That’s your problem.”
Me: “Actually, it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”
Customer: “You have to open it.”
Me: “Watch me not open it.”
Customer: “Okay, then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”
Me: “So, if I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”
The Wisdom To Know The Difference
AWESOME, CALIFORNIA, FAST FOOD, INSPIRATIONAL, JERK, LOS ANGELES, RESTAURANT, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 1, 2010
(I’m with my wife at a well known fast food place, and they employ a young man with special needs who we both know and are very friendly with. An angry customer accosts him at the register.)
Customer: “S***, they’re taking so f***ing long with my food!”
Employee: “Just a sec, sir…”
Customer: “You’d better!”
(Not three minutes later, the employee comes with the customer’s food.)
Employee: “Here you go, sir.”
Customer: “Where’s the f****** ranch?”
Employee: “Right away, sir!”
Customer: “No, forget it! You’ll probably slobber all over it!”
Wife: “Excuse me, sir, but this young man is doing his job. He’s not doing anything to hurt you, so how about you shut the f*** up!”
Customer: “F*** you, fat a**!”
Employee: “She’s a nice lady! There’s a baby inside her, and she’s not fat!”
Customer: “F*** you!” *storms out, upsetting some chairs*
Wife: *to the employee* “People are so mean to you, honey. I’m so sorry, I can’t believe he said that to you, that a**hole!”
Employee: *grinning* “Don’t worry about it, Jesus and my mama still love me!” *walks away, the happiest man on earth*
In Real Hot Sauce Now
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 9, 2010
(I walk in and stand in a line. I’ve been there for all of five seconds before a man runs in, elbows his way to the front of the queue and slams a burger in front of the cashier. She is a young teenager.)
Customer: “You f****** b****! How many f****** times do I have to tell you no f****** sauce?!”
Cashier: *smiling all the way through the exchange* “I’m sorry, sir, what seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “You f****** up my burger! I want a refund now!”
Cashier: “Certainly, sir! Do you remember what time you came in at?”
Customer: “How am I supposed to f****** know? You’re the one who took the d*** order!”
Cashier: “I’ll have a look, sir, if you give me one moment.”
(She taps her screen, all the while being yelled abuse at by the customer. All the other customers have since cleared out, except for me. I motion to the cashier that I’ve called the police.)
Cashier: “Hm… oh, is this your order?” *rattles off a few items*
Customer: “Yes, that’s my d*** order! Now give me my f****** refund!”
Cashier: “Certainly, sir, let me just authorise that for you.”
(She taps on her screen some more and swipes a card a few times.)
Customer: “F****** hurry up, you b****! My f****** dinner’s getting cold!”
Cashier: “My apologies, sir, give me one moment. Would you like me to give you a fresh order?”
Customer: “You’d better, you b****!”
Cashier: *hands customer his refunded money* “Okay, it’ll be three minutes to cook your order so if you’d like to sit down-”
(At this point the man throws the money he’s just been given at the cashier and screams abuse at her. She picks up the change and counts it.)
Cashier: “Your change comes up to £3.71, which is just enough for another meal. Which one would you like?”
Customer: “Would you just hurry up and give me my d*** food! Are you f****** simple or something?”
Cashier: “No, just distracting you ’till the police get here.”
(Two uniformed police officers walk in and take the man away, who is still cursing. The manager walks out of a side room which he has been hiding in–he’s about thirty and male–and offers her a promotion on the spot. She promptly tells him that she’d rather die than be spineless like him and quits. She then pockets the change, grabs most of the food on display and leaves, but not before thanking me and sharing half the food with me.)
Fast Food For Fast Thinkers
EDITORS' CHOICE, FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 18, 2009
(I am working as a cashier and two customers come in talking loudly about how dumb minimum wage fast-food workers are. One of them decides to prove it…)
Customer: “Let me ask you a question. What’s 7 times 7?”
Me: “49.”
Customer: “What’s 8 times 8?”
Me: “64.”
Customer: “E equals MC squared?”
Me: “What about it?”
Customer: “What does it mean?”
Me: “Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared.”
27 Stresses
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, RETAIL | RIGHT | MARCH 30, 2011
(It is prom season. We have a lot of girls coming in to try on dresses. Three girls have been trying on heaps of dresses. They finally select the ones they want.)
Me: “I see you’ve made your final selection! If you just bring them to the register, I’ll be happy to ring you up.”
(Their mother walks over.)
Mother: “Oh, what lovely dresses!”
Girl: “Yeah. We had to go through a lot of dresses before we found anything decent.”
(The mother gets a weird look on her face.)
Mother, to me: “Excuse me, miss?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am?”
Mother: “Are those the dressing rooms?”
Me: “Yes.”
Mother: “Do you mind if I run in there for a minute?”
Me: “Go ahead!”
(The mother walks in, and sees all the dresses on the floor of the dressing rooms. She comes out fuming.)
Mother: “You girls march right in there, pick up every dress, and hang them back up! Right now!”
Girl: “Why? It’s her job!”
Mother: “I did not raise a bunch of pigs! Get in there now, or you won’t be going to prom!”
A Match Made In Size 7
CLOTHING STORE, RETAIL | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 2, 2009
(A couple walk in, the lady in front, the man trailing tiredly behind. The lady spins around the store.)
Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”
Lady: “I need these pants in size 0, pronto.”
Me: “Who are you getting them for?”
Lady: “MYSELF! What do you think!”
(I get her what she wants, she takes them and goes into a change room.)
Lady: “HEY, these are defective! Get me another pair!”
Me: “May I suggest a bigger size?”
Lady: “Are you saying I look fat? That I can’t fit into these pants?! I’ll have you know, I always wear size 0… these pants must be made wrong! Now get me another pair!”
Man: “Honey, those are really small pants, just try a slightly bigger one.”
(Without a pause, she turns around and slaps the man.)
Lady: “Why can’t you just be on my side! That was so rude! You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”
Man: “We don’t live together.”
Lady: “What do you mean! We moved in last week… remember?”
Man: “No… we don’t live together.”
(The lady realizes he’s not caving. She flicks a look at me, then tries a different route.)
Lady: “Well, I mean, you’re still sleeping on the couch in your own apartment! To show remorse for disrespecting me. Or else!”
Man: “Or else what?”
Lady: “Or else I’m dumping you!”
Man: “… Okay.”
Lady: “You just–you just like HER, don’t–” *walks out fast, sobbing*
(The man stayed behind and apologized to me. My shift was ending so we went for dinner, and long story short he’s now my fiance! Couldn’t ask for a better man, and I’ve got to thank that lady someday for making it all possible…)
Why Cashiers Should Rule The World
AT THE CHECKOUT, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, JERK, USA, VIRGINIA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 12, 2010
(I’m a customer in the check-out line. I’m buying a box of tampons for my mom, who is bedridden after surgery. One of the two customers standing behind me in line speaks up.)
Other Customer: “Ha-ha what a p****. He’s buying tampons.”
(I ignore the two and move forwards to the cashier. She’s an attractive girl of about 20 years old.)
Cashier: “$5.71 after the discount.”
(I have no idea what discount she’s talking about, but I pay her and get my change.)
Cashier: *with a smile on her face* “Here you go, baby, I’m taking my break now and I’ll see you at home at eight. Just leave the tampons in my car, please.”
(She leaned over the counter and kissed me on the cheek. She then turned the light off on the register number and walked off towards the other side of the store. The two customers watched her with their jaws open and angrily walked off to another register.)
Hopefully, She Got The House
CHEATERS, EDITORS' CHOICE, HOTEL, INSTANT KARMA, MARRIAGE & PARTNERS, USA | ROMANTIC | JUNE 5, 2008
Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”
Guest: “Hi, yes, I’m calling because your hotel charged our credit card twice?”
Me: “Okay, ma’am. If I can have your name, I’ll look you up in the computer and we can get this straightened out.”
Guest: *morphs into an uber-witch in three seconds flat* “Straightened out? D*** right you’re going to get this straightened out! You charged enough for that crappy little room! I’ll be d***ed if we’re paying for it twice! My husband works too hard for his money to be charged double for something like this! There wasn’t even a bar there!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but if I can just have your name and the date you stayed–”
Guest: “That’s just it! I was charged on two separate DATES. My name is [Guest] and my husband and I stayed there on June 9th. There’s another charge on there for the 17th. I want this fixed!”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. I understand. I’m looking now, ma’am… Okay, I see the problem. You did stay here on the 9th of June. I’m showing that someone by the name of [Husband] stayed on the 17th.”
(There’s dead silence for a moment, and then whispering.)
Guest: “What?”
(At this point my stomach falls into my shoes, because I can hear her mind ticking away, and I know something she doesn’t: another name is listed on the screen with her husband’s for the June 17th stay, and it’s NOT HERS.)
Me: “Um… ma’am?”
Guest: “I see. You’ve been very helpful.”
Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Can I help you with anything else today?”
(At this moment the woman drops the phone but does not hang up, and I hear her begin to scream at someone, swearing in combos I never would have thought up. I hang up quickly and try to go about my business, making a note of it to tell my boss. Later I get another phone call.)
Me: “Thank you for calling. How–”
Guest’s Husband: “I want to talk to your manager, you stupid little b****! You probably just cost me my marriage and I am going to sue your s***-hole hotel for every penny it’s worth! Do you hear me? Do you?!”
Dads: Gotta Love ‘Em
AUTO SHOP, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, OVERTIME | RIGHT | AUGUST 25, 2008
(My father owns an auto shop where I sometimes work part time. Late one afternoon, a woman comes in.)
Me: “May I help you?”
Customer: “Yes. I need my car inspected.”
Me: “Well, we’re not taking any more inspections this afternoon. May I schedule you for tomorrow?”
Customer: “No, I want my car inspected now.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but we take in our last inspection at 4:00 so we have time to pack up and shut down the machine.”
Customer: “Yes, but I just bought my car from [Dealer] and they told me I could bring my car here to get inspected for free.”
Me: “Yes, they will pay for your inspection here, but we’re closing soon. I’d be happy to schedule you an appointment for another day.”
Customer: “No! This is an outrage! At [Dealer] they told me I could bring in my car ANY TIME to be inspected here!”
Me: “Um… well…”
Customer: “I want my car inspected RIGHT NOW. They told me I could have it inspected any time!”
Me: “Ma’am, it’s 4:45 and we are closing in 15 minutes. We don’t have time…”
Customer: “Where is your manager!? I want to speak to your manager!”
Me: “Um… I’m afraid he’s out test driving a car.”
Customer: “That’s unacceptable! Is there anyone else I can talk to? I need to get my car inspected!”
Me: “Hold on…”
(I go out into the shop and check, but sure enough the only other person still here this late is the trainee mechanic. The woman proceeds to yell at us for about ten minutes. Eventually, my dad returns from his test drive.)
Me: “Dad, can you help this woman?”
Dad: “What can I do for you today?”
Customer: “I brought my car here from [Dealer] for an inspection but they won’t give one to me!”
(My dad proceeds to tell her everything I told her, smiling through all her abuse. Eventually…)
Customer: “Fine! This is an outrage! I’m going to write a complaint letter to [Dealer] about you!”
Dad: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Me: “My God.”
Dad: “Let me give you a little advice about people like that. When somebody gets all worked up at you like that, you need to remain calm. Because the calmer you are, the angrier they get, and it’s REALLY funny.”
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