They Call Me Doctor DIY
Call Center, Dentist, Doctor/Physician, Editors' Choice, Funny | Healthy Right | October 22, 2009
(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)
Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”
Me: “Clockwise.”
Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”
Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise… to the right.”
Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”
Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”
Doctor: “Okay, I think I got it.”
Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Doctor: “What was that?”
Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”
Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”
Me: “Great. All finished?”
(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)
Doctor: “You’re all done then!”
Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you, doctor.”
If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will
Funny, Health & Body, Medical Office, Stupid, Teenagers, USA | Healthy Right | October 6, 2009
Me: Hello this is [Doctor’s Office]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”
(From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)
Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”
Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead… and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”
Getting On Your Nerves
Dentist, Funny, Health & Body, USA | Healthy Right | September 22, 2009
(I am a dentist about to give a patient a shot of local anesthetic).
Patient: “I hate needles. Will this hurt?”
Me: “Just concentrate on taking nice, deep breaths. It’ll be over before you know it.”
Patient: “Could you please tell me when you’re ready to give the shot? I need to know!”
Me: “Sure. I’ll give it on the count of three. Ready? One, two–”
Patient: *screams* “You’re killing me! It hurts so much!”
Me: “I haven’t actually given you the shot yet.”
Patient: “Oh. Well, um, I was just practicing for when you did.”
We Want Your Braaaiiins
Health & Body, Hospital, Math & Science, USA | Healthy Right | September 16, 2009
(A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)
Subject: “So, I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”
Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”
Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”
Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday, Part 2
Health & Body, Hospital, Parents/Guardians, Texas, USA | Healthy Right | November 20, 2010
Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Yeah. I had a baby at your hospital about a week ago, and when I was discharged I got a lot of papers and some samples. One of the papers says something about a PKU test.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can I help you with that?”
Caller: “Well, it says on this paper that I need to bring my ‘new arrival’ to registration and they would help me get the PKU test done. I want you to know that I have looked all through the papers and stuff you gave me and I can’t find anything marked ‘new arrival.’ What is this ‘new arrival’ I am supposed to bring with me when I come in?”
Me: “Ma’am, that would be your infant child… Your new baby.”
Caller: “Oh, my freaking God! If you mean ‘new baby’ then write ‘new baby’! Not everyone understands this hospital medical jargon!”
In(tentional) Sickness And In Health
British Columbia, Canada, Editors' Choice, Emergency Services, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners, Vancouver | Healthy Right | March 14, 2010
(We respond to an unconscious diabetic. While my partner is treating the patient, I am asking the wife some questions.)
Me: “So, is your husband on any medications?”
(She lists the medications her husband is on, including insulin.)
Me: “And has he been compliant with those medications lately?”
Wife: “Nope.”
Me: “Do you know why not?”
Wife: “Well, we had a big fight last week, so I hid all his meds. He hasn’t found them yet.”
He’ll Be In The Afterlife After The Birth
California, Hospital, Jerk, Marriage & Partners, USA | Healthy | October 31, 2009
(It is Halloween. The hospital staff have put up decorations, but they’re minimal. I’m trying to wheel a patient who is in labor to the room she was assigned, along with her husband.)
Patient’s Husband: “We should put her in the room with the witch hanging over the door.”
Me: “I’m sorry. That room’s actually a different size. I’m supposed to take you to room 79.”
Patient’s Husband: “But that room has a ghost. She wants a witch.”
Me: “The only room we have with that decoration is half the size of this one, and doesn’t have all the same equipment in it. This is the room you paid for.”
Patient’s Husband: “It has to be a witch. She’s been real nasty all week.”
(As she hears her husband say this, the wife is looking less and less pleased. She is a week overdue, and has been in for false labor pains the past two weeks.)
Me: “That’s interesting, but there aren’t any decorations inside the room anyway. What is inside this room is a much wider space for the doctor and nurses to provide her with better care.”
Patient’s Husband: “She wants a witch, so put her in the room with the witch.”
(Finally, the patient has had enough and speaks up.)
Patient: “Shut up. I want to get this kid out in whatever room the people who know what they’re doing think is best, you dumb troll!”
Totally Plastered
Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Stupid, USA | Healthy Right | October 30, 2009
Me: “All right, your cast is on nice and secure. It should heal within four to six weeks.”
Patient: “Really? Only four to six minutes?”
Me: “No, four to six weeks.”
Patient: “Okay, four to six minutes.”
Me: “Sir, it’s impossible for it to heal within four to six minutes. It takes about four to six weeks.”
Patient: “Oh, all right.”
(I turn around to fill out his form. When I turn back around, he has taken off his cast.)
Me: “Sir, why did you take off your cast?!”
Patient: “Well, you said it heals within four to six minutes, but you said it was too short. I waited seven minutes… but it still hurts.”
Me: “Sir, your arm is still broken. Four to six weeks is around a month and a half.”
Patient: “Well, why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?! A month and a half is five weeks! Why did you say four to six minutes?”
Me: “I never said…” *I pause and compose myself* “…Okay, nevermind. Let’s put on a new cast.”
Kindness Has Real Staying Power
Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Inspirational | Healthy | May 17, 2016
(After avoiding any kind of surgery for the 35 years of my life I end up in the ER on Monday with appendicitis. I am very, very scared because of the aforementioned lack of surgeries. One of my roommates comes with me and intends to stay with me all night.)
Nurse: “We like people to go home and not stay here all night. It’s not comfortable.”
Roommate: “That’s okay. I want to stay.”
Nurse: “Well, in a shared room you have to get the permission of the person in the other room.”
Roommate: “Well, then, ask them. I want to stay.”
Other Person: “Let her stay! If I had someone here with me I’d want them to stay.”
(I was so out of it, and so scared, but the other person, also there with appendicitis, was so kind to let my roommate stay with me and it helped a lot. My roommate literally held my hand all night so every time I woke up I could feel it. If she hadn’t been there I think I’d have been inconsolable. I’m healing fine, and the other person in my room was able to go home without needing surgery at all!)
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 9
Awesome, Editors' Choice, Health & Body, Inspirational, Kind Strangers | Healthy | May 17, 2016
(My family is visiting my grandma, and we like renting bicycles to ride around the gated community where she lives. My mom and two younger siblings are just on our way back to the house. It’s a very hot day and I’m wearing a dark shirt.)
Me: “Hold up a minute. I feel woozy.”
(I pull onto the grass and sit down, panting, as my vision swirls with purple-green clouds. Usually they clear in a few moments, but they’re not going away. I can’t get back on the bike until I can see, so Mom is about to send my brother on ahead to bring Dad back with the car, when a car pulls up next to us.)
Little Old Lady: “Do you need help?”
(I’m a little fuzzy on the details after that point, but it turned out that she was a retired nurse! She offered to drive me back to Grandma’s house. I was doing a little better in the air-conditioned car, but I was still woozy and she talked to me to keep me awake. When we got to the house, I had to lean on her shoulder to get inside; my dad told me later that he thought I was helping her at first! She helped me into a reclining chair and got a cool, damp washcloth to put on my forehead before she left, with instructions to drink lots of water and not move for a while. She left before I could thank her, but I sent a thank-you note when I was better. Even after they retire, nurses are awesome people!)
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 8
Awesome, Florida, Health & Body, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Working | March 4, 2016
(During first full week of Advanced Placement and IB tests of my junior year in high school I find myself struck with a particularly nasty illness called norovirus, which causes nearly non-stop vomiting and diarrhea. I am home alone, as my father is out the whole week for business, and I am taking the bus to and from school for exams. Since I knew I cannot miss any of these tests on such short notice, I manage to tough it out for four days, but at that point I have not been able to eat or drink anything that remains in my stomach for more than five minutes. Severely dehydrated and weak, I finally decide to go to a close-by clinic for IV fluids after school. Since they need a doctor on-site to legally be able to give fluids, I call ahead.)
Nurse: “Hello, [Clinic]. This is [Nurse]. How may I help you?”
Me: *very quietly as my throat has started to develop acid sores* “Hi… Do you have the… Do you do IV fluids?”
Nurse: “What’s that, sweetie? I didn’t quite catch that.”
Me: “I need IV fluids… I really need them.”
Nurse: “Unfortunately we don’t have a doctor with us right now, hun.” *I start crying, since at this point I’m worried I will not be able to get out of bed tomorrow for my next exam* “Sweetie, what’s the matter? Are you hurt?”
Me: “No… I think I got norovirus from that restaurant that was shut down last week and I’m home alone and I have my AP tests that I can’t miss and I haven’t been able to eat or drink anything for days and I’m getting too weak to do anything! I can’t go to the ER because my dad didn’t leave me enough money to cover anything and I really need to go to my exam tomorrow!”
Nurse: “All right, sweetie, give me one second.” *the line is silent for about five minutes* “Okay, hun, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to go out to you and pick you up, then we’re going to go to the [Clinic] downtown and get you your fluids. After that I’ll take you home and you give me your exam schedule. Is tomorrow your last day for exams until next week?”
Me: *shocked at her kindness* “Yes, ma’am.”
Nurse: “All righty. Then I’ll take you to your exam tomorrow morning and then we do need to check you into the hospital, all right, sweetie? Give me your address and I’ll be there in a few minutes. Call your dad and tell him what is going on, okay?”
(This nurse had negotiated with her supervisor to get the next two days off work so she could make sure I was taken care of and safe. After my exam the next day she picked me up and took me to the hospital, used a few personal favors to get me in quickly and hold off on payment, and stayed with me until my father could get there. We have since become good friends, and I am currently working on my own MD while volunteering at her clinic. This woman is why nurses really should rule the world!)
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 7
Hospital | Working | October 30, 2015
(I am pregnant and suffering from toxaemia, which is a form of blood poisoning. My blood pressure is extremely high and I have been admitted to hospital. I have been there for two weeks when my blood pressure goes even higher.)
Matron: “You have been scheduled for an emergency induction tomorrow morning; we can’t leave you like this for any longer.”
(Very early the next morning, she comes in and starts the preparation for the induction when a doctor comes in.)
Doctor: “[Matron], I need you to stop what you are doing. I need to speak to the patient. Please leave us alone.”
Matron: “Yes, doctor.” *leaves*
Doctor: *to me* “We are postponing your induction.”
Me: “But I’ve been told I have to have it.”
Doctor: “We’ve decided not to do it right now. It doesn’t really matter, seeing as this is elective.” *meaning I chose to have it done*
(He says nothing to reassure me and leaves. Later one of the nurses comes by.)
Nurse: “[My Name], what are you still doing here? I was sure you would have had your baby by now.”
Me: “Dr [Doctor] told me that it wasn’t being done, and told me it was elective.”
Nurse: “He said what? Did you elect to get pre-eclampsia? I’ll go and see what’s going on.”
(A few minutes later she is back.)
Nurse: “I found out why they postponed you. We only have four birthing rooms and there are a dozen screaming women down there waiting to get into them. You were considered stable enough to wait one more day”.
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 6
Awesome, Health & Body, Medical Office, Nurses | Working | December 9, 2013
(I’ve been sick this past week and I go to the clinic at nine am. They tell me they will call in the prescription at ten am. At two pm, I go to check the prescription.)
Pharmacist: “I have no prescription here under your name.”
Me: “The clinic said it would be ready by ten am. Let me call them.”
(I call the clinic.)
Me: “Hello. I have a prescription that hasn’t been put through yet. I need to make sure I am at the right pharmacy.”
(I am promptly transferred without a word to the women’s clinic line, which is the incorrect department. I am instructed to leave a message, as the nurses are out to lunch.)
Me: “Um, hi. I am [My Name]. I was just wondering where my prescription was sent. It’s not at the pharmacy and—” *I cough and my head immediately begins to ache terribly. I sniffle and tear up* “—if you could please help me that’d be nice.”
(I hang up and go home. At three pm I go to the clinic to verify the location of the pharmacy. They tell me the order has been sent, and to wait a couple hours. I go home yet again. At five pm I get a call from the women’s clinic number at which I left the message.)
Nurse: “Hello, is this [My Name]? You left a message a couple hours ago.”
Me: “Yes. I’m sorry, I was trying to find out where my prescription was. I already checked back with the clinic and they told me where the prescription would be.”
Nurse: “Everything’s all right, though? This is the wrong department for your call, but since you’ve had the prescription filled…”
Me: “Well… no… I called the pharmacy and the prescription still hasn’t been ordered yet.”
Nurse: “Oh. Let me get on that. I’ll make sure they get it filled out.”
Me: “Okay.”
Nurse: “I will call you back in a minute, sweetie.”
(The nurse hangs up and calls back a few minutes later.)
Nurse: “Okay, I’ve gotten them to fill out your prescription and the pharmacy should have it soon. You are taking [Medicine], which is two pills twice a day. No matter how bad it is, take all of them. You can take decongestants and ibuprofen to deal with the congestion and pain. And, honey, popsicles are your best friends. Drink lots of fluids and warm tea, and get plenty of rest.”
(At this point, the nurse’s concern has caused me to tear up.)
Me: “Thank you so much! I’ve been dealing with this for a week.”
Nurse: “You just sound so sick, sweetie. I called the pharmacy and told them to work extra quick on your order. The pharmacist’s name is [Name]. She’ll have your prescription ready as soon as she can.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Nurse: “You feel better, honey.”
(To that nurse: You had me sobbing. You cared so much and it wasn’t even your department. You helped me and told me more about my medicine than the doctor in the CORRECT department did. I’m so grateful there are people as nice as you working in the women’s clinic!)
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 5
Bullies, Hospital, Nurses, Parents/Guardians, Wild & Unruly | Right | August 13, 2013
(I’m 18, and have been hospitalized for a severe case of mono. As a result of the illness, my throat is badly swollen and I can hardly speak. I’m on lots of painkillers. I’m sharing a room with a boy who swallowed a rock. The boy has been screaming since his mother left and his father can’t quiet him down.)
Nurse: “Okay, [My Name], I’m just going to check your vitals.”
Me: *whispering* “How much longer until I can have more pain medication?”
Nurse: “Not for a while, sweetie.”
(The nurse leaves. The boy’s father has been watching us the whole time.)
Boy’s Father: “Listen, you little b****! Don’t you f****** gossip about me to the f****** nurses! You keep your f****** mouth shut, or I’ll shut it for you!”
(I’m stunned, as I haven’t said a word to or about him. As I can’t move and can barely speak, I’m in tears and terrified. Not long after, my mom comes in to visit.)
Mom: “Hey, [My Name]. How are you doing?”
Me: *crying and whispering* “Mom, the dad of that boy screamed at me. He said to shut up, or he’d shut me up.”
(My mom is silent, but clearly fuming. She leaves for a moment.)
Boy’s Father: “WHAT DID I SAY?!”
(Just then, my mom comes back with security in tow.)
Mom: “Escort him from hospital grounds NOW.”
Boy’s Father: “B****! You can’t tell me what to do! You aren’t the boss here! I’m twenty-f******-five!”
Mom: “Actually, I AM the boss here! It’s my day off, but I’m head nurse on this floor, and if you EVER speak to my daughter ever again, I will have you arrested so fast that you won’t ever hear the sirens! And by the way, I’m forty-freaking-eight and I have the good sense not to let my kids eat rocks!”
(The man was removed from hospital grounds and was banned from re-entering for 48 hours unless it was an emergency. I have the best mom in the world.)
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 4
Restaurant | Right | June 14, 2013
(My mother takes my younger brother and me out to a restaurant for dinner. As we are eating we witness a car crash in the road. My mother, being an LPN (licensed practical nurse), leaves her meal to rush across the street to offer help. We are seated by an elderly couple right next to a window.)
Elderly Man: “Did your mom just go out there to help them?”
Me: “Oh, well, she’s a nurse. Pretty much anytime an accident occurs and she’s there, she tries to help.”
Restaurant Proprietor: “That’s your mother out there?”
Little Brother: “Yeah. Our mom’s a nurse, so she went to help out.”
Restaurant Proprietor: “Wow! How cool!”
(My mother spends the next 30 minutes out in the middle of traffic, helping both drivers with their injuries, and waiting until EMTs arrive. She comes back in, and we resume our meal like nothing has happened.)
Elderly Woman: “Are they okay?”
Mom: “Yeah, but the poor girl — her parents are out of town. She has to wait in the hospital for them to come and see her. She pulled out, and that guy pulled out in front of her and rammed her car.”
Elderly Woman: “Well, at least they’re okay.”
(Another 20 minutes pass while my mother finishes her meal and the check is brought out to us. As the proprietor from earlier leaves the check, the couple next to us get up to leave.)
Elderly Man: “Let me tell you something…”
(He quickly snatches the check off of our table.)
Elderly Man: “If I were in an accident like that and needed help, I would want you to come and help me. Anyone who selflessly dodges traffic to help someone like that deserves to have their meal paid for. I hope that if one day I’m in an accident I have you there for me.”
(Despite my mother’s protests, the man pays the bill without even glancing at the total. When we go to the front to explain ourselves, the cashier isn’t surprised.)
Cashier: “Oh, that’s Bill. He’s a regular here. I’m not surprised he did that. He’s a real sweetheart. He was actually on his first date with that girl!”
(If you ever read this, Bill, you moved my mom to tears that day. You have forever made me want to be a better person! It’s people like you that re-instill my hope in humanity.)
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 3
Fast Food, Jerk | Right | February 26, 2013
(I arrive at work an hour and a half early because I forgot what time I start. I decide to sit in the lobby and have lunch before my shift. I notice that the trash can is in dire need of being emptied and that the front counter is busier than usual. I start to tie the bag up, when a customer screeches at me.)
Customer: “What do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “Just changing the garbage, ma’am. It was full to overflowing and it was too busy for someone to leave their post and do it.”
Customer: “You don’t have to do that, young man! You’re not one of these dropouts that lives in their parent’s basements who can’t do anything better with their lives! What are you taking?”
Me: “I’m planning on becoming a licensed practical nurse. But, ma’am, I don’t just go to school. I work to pay my bills. As a matter of fact, I live in a condo my mother owns. She does not live with me, and I pay rent to her. I pay for my electricity, my Internet, and my heating. How do I earn the money for this, you ask?”
(At this point I remove my hat from my bag, put it on and remove my coat, revealing that I am dressed in my work uniform.)
Me: “I work here, taking whatever hours I can get. A student without anything on their resume will take any job they can. ”
(I point to one of my coworkers who is mopping the floors at the back of the store.)
Me: “She’s a neuroscience student. Just like me she has bills to pay. In the future, please remember that people who work in fast food are not always drop outs, but more often than not students trying to fund their education. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take out this trash, unless you would like me to help extract your foot from your mouth first.”
(Flustered and obviously embarrassed, the customer leaves the store in a hurry. My manager, who is also a classmate of mine, speaks with me once I return from the dumpsters.)
Manager: “Technically, you could be fired for badmouthing a customer while on the job like that.”
Me: “Technically, I’m not working right now! I haven’t clocked in, and my shift’s not for another half hour.”
Manager: “Well then, brave citizen, how does free apple pie sound?”
(I accepted, of course. You just don’t say no to free pie!)
Why Nurses Should Rule The World, Part 2
Restaurant | Right | February 8, 2013
(I am out to breakfast with some friends from work.)
Me: “Excuse me, do you know if the cook uses milk to make the omelets or just eggs?”
Waitress: “Just eggs. Are you allergic to milk?”
Me: “No, but I am lactose intolerant and I forgot to bring my meds.”
(We all order our food. However, after the waitress leaves, I overhear someone from the table next to us asking for a manager.)
Other Customer: *loudly* “I want to complain about that waitress. I heard her interrogating that poor woman about her personal medical issues! I’m a doctor and I know you can’t just ask people about things like that! It’s against the law! She could sue you!”
Me: *to the other customer* “Excuse me, before things get out of hand here, I’m the person she’s talking about. First of all, our waitress asked if I had an allergy to milk. It was a good question considering I made a point of asking if some of your foods have milk in it. If I was really allergic, the kitchen would have to take extra precautions to avoid anaphylaxis. Secondly, there’s no such law that I know of unless you’re talking about the laws in place to protect your private health information from being accessed by other people without your permission. I don’t see how those would apply in this case.”
Other Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about? What are you, some kind of lawyer, smarta**?”
My Friend: “No, ‘doctor,’ she’s some kind of nurse.”
(We all pulled out our hospital IDs. The “doctor” shut up after that. The manager thanked us for clearing things up and left, and our waitress gave us a free round of cheesecake with a free lactose-free muffin for me!)
Why Nurses Should Rule The World
Adorable Children, Medical Office, Nurses | Right | October 29, 2012
(My five-year-old son has received a serious injury to his eye. After a pediatrician recommends us to an eye doctor, we are referred to a specialist that works out of a university two hours away from home.)
Nurse: “These are all the contact numbers you should need. I also went online for some directions, and called ahead to let them know it should only be a few hours.”
Son: “I don’t want to.”
Nurse: “What’s the matter?”
Son: *visibly getting upset* “I’m scared.”
Nurse: “But you’ve been so brave this whole time! How about this: if you go see the new doctor, I’ll give you my phone number and you can call me if you get too upset, okay?”
(The nurse writes down her work extension and cell phone number on a piece of paper and adds it to my paperwork, insisting that I feel free to call if I have any problems or questions. My son stays calm all the way to the university and through the appointment with the specialist until we’re told he’s going to need surgery. Crying and upset, he begs me to call the nurse from the clinic.)
Me: *on the phone* “I’m so sorry to bother you, I know you’re still working, but he’s really upset and asked to talk to you.”
(I put the phone on speakerphone so my son, crying on the exam table, can hear.)
Nurse: “Hey, buddy! What’s wrong?”
Son: *crying* “The doctor here wants to give me surgery!”
Nurse: “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’ll make your eye all better. You’ll be able to see again, like we talked about.”
Son: “But I’m scared! It’s going to hurt!”
Nurse: “Of course it’s not going to hurt. That nice doctor wouldn’t hurt you!”
Son: “Have you been given surgeries?”
Nurse: “Yeah, kiddo, a few.”
Son: “And you came back to life?”
Nurse: “Every single time.”
Son: “Promise?”
Nurse: “Swear.”
(My son has calmed down considerably throughout the conversation, and there’s not a dry eye in the room.)
Son: “Okay…”
Nurse: “See? I knew you were brave.”
Son: “Thank you! Love you!”
Nurse: *laughing* “Love you, too.”
(I thanked the nurse a thousand times, and she insisted I call her ASAP to let her know how the surgery went. Later that day, she texted us a picture of herself and her family with a ‘GET WELL SOON’ sign they made for my son!)
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