Have A Heart, Use Your Brain

Speak For Yourself
EDITORS' CHOICE, JERK, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | AUGUST 28, 2008
Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “My wife sent me in here to pick up some chestnut brown and I can’t find it.”

Me: “Okay, is that makeup or hair color?”

Customer: “I don’t know; she just said chestnut brown.”

Me: “Do you happen to remember the brand name?”

Customer: “No! She just said chestnut brown. Weren’t you listening?”

Me: “Well, it sounds like hair dye to me. Let’s have a look.”

(We both go to the hair coloring aisle and I start to look through every shade in every brand. The man does not help at all; it takes me ten minutes.)

Me: “Here you go, sir. This is Garnier hair color, chestnut brown.”

Customer: “Are you sure that’s it? I don’t want to go home and have to come back.”

Me: “You could call your wife and ask her.”

Customer: “She’s not at home. Oh, wait, hold on.”

(He pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and begins to read it.)

Customer: “Yep, Garnier chestnut brown. That’s it!”

Me: “Sir, no offense, but you could have saved us a lot of time by reading that note in the first place.”

Customer: “That’s the problem with this country. Nobody wants to work anymore!”

Me: “Yeah, that’s our problem.”

He Shoots, He Misses
PHARMACY | RIGHT | AUGUST 13, 2008
(I used to work at a drug store. From time to time, the pharmacy portion of the store wouldn’t open because there wasn’t a pharmacist to do so. A customer reads the closed sign…)

Customer: “What’s the meaning of this?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The pharmacy is closed today because we don’t have a pharmacist.”

Customer: “People are SICK! They need their MEDICATION!”

Me: “I wish there was something I could do, sir, but–”

Customer: “You know what this is? Do you?! Two words! TWO WORDS! UN-ACCEPTABLE!”

Thirteen Bucks Can Buy A Lot Of Beans
EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, MONEY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | AUGUST 4, 2008
Customer: “I hear there’s this stuff you can put on your food that won’t give you gas.”

Me: “Oh, yeah… it’s called Beano. Put a couple of drops on your food and the enzymes in it prevent the food from giving you gas.”

Customer: “So, you have it?”

Me: “Yep. I’ll show you.”

(We walk over to the shelf where Beano is kept. I show him the little 3 or 4 oz. bottle; a little goes a long way with that stuff.)

Me: “This is it.”

Customer: “How much?”

Me: “$12.99.”

Customer: “For THAT little bottle? S***, I’ll just fart!”

The Inadvertent Thief
CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | JUNE 26, 2008
Lady: “Do you sell aloe vera gel?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid we don’t, but you might be able to get it at [Store] down the street.”

Lady: “Oh, great, thanks.”

(She leaves and ten minutes later returns wielding a tube, looking irritated.)

Me: “Hello again, did you manage to find it okay?”

Lady: “No! You told me they had aloe vera gel! All they had is the cream! I don’t want the cream!”

Me: “Um… you didn’t want the cream but you bought it anyway?”

Lady: “No, of course I didn’t BUY–”

(She suddenly stopped and looked at the tube in her hand. Her expression turned to horror and she legged it back out the door. My coworkers and I laughed for a good ten minutes at that one.)

Along The Way, You’ll Meet Some Hopped-Up Munchkins
EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, PHARMACY, SARCASM, USA | RIGHT | MAY 23, 2008
(I live in a town where 65% of the people are 65 years old and older. When we were redoing the design of the store, they placed a large white walkway from the front door to the pharmacy.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like to pick up my prescription.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this is the front of the store. Your prescription is in the back of the store, in the pharmacy.”

Customer: “How do I get there?”

Me: “Follow the white brick road.”

Teenage Boys And Smutty Mags? You Don’t Say!
EDITORS' CHOICE, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, PHARMACY, RELIGION, RUDE & RISQUE | RIGHT | MAY 19, 2008
Angry Old Woman: “Excuse me! I am very upset because you sold my young grandson p*rnography!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t sell p*rnography.”

Angry Old Woman: “Get me the manager, now!”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Angry Old Woman: “Your pervert cashier sold my grandson p*rnography!”

Manager: “Are you sure about that? We don’t sell anything like that here.”

Angry Old Woman: “Do you think I’m stupid? I saw it with my own eyes! It had naked women and he told me he bought it here with no problem!”

Manager: “Could you show me on the shelf what it was?”

(She goes over to the magazines, and points at Maxim.)

Angry Old Woman: “It was this one! See? Right here! Where any child could see!”

Manager: “Ma’am, this magazine is not p*rnography. Granted, the women are scantily clad in a few pictures but they aren’t naked and there is no age restriction on its sale.”

Angry Old Woman: “I know p*rnography when I see it, and this is very offensive. How could you sell it to young children?”

Manager: “Well, actually our store policy dictates that we won’t sell this to a young child even though it is still legal. How old is your grandson?”

Angry Old Woman: “He’s only sixteen!”

Manager: *rolls eyes* “I don’t want to offend your moral beliefs, Ma’am, but if your sixteen year old grandson wants to look at women in bikinis there is no force on earth that is going to stop it. Seriously.”

Angry Old Woman: “The power of Jesus can stop it! The power of Christ should compel you to remove this magazine from your shelves!”

Manager: “Right… Real quick, ma’am, before I get back to work, can I ask you a question? Does your grandson have Internet access?”

Angry Old Woman: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Manager: “A lot, and I think that the power of Christ should compel you to learn how to look up his browser history. Have a good day.”

How About Some Ritalin While You’re At It
INSURANCE, MONEY, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | MAY 7, 2008
(Our insurance transmitter is experiencing problems, so we are unable to transmit to any insurance companies when filling prescriptions. I explain this to one customer, who decides to sit and wait for a while to see if the transmitter will come back up. Meanwhile, another customer comes in with a prescription.)

New Customer: “Hi. I’d like this filled, please.”

(I explain the transmitter problem.)

New Customer: “Oh, that’s okay. I don’t have insurance.”

Me: “No problem. We’ll have it ready in just a few minutes.”

Original Customer: “Wait! I was ahead of her! Why isn’t mine ready?!”

Me: “We are still waiting for the insurance transmitter to come back up, sir.”

Original Customer: “Well, how did you fill hers?!”

New Customer: “I pay cash; I don’t have prescription coverage.”

Original Customer: “Well, I pay cash, too!”

Me: “You want to just get it at retail price, and not use insurance?”

Original Customer: “Yes! I have cash! I’ll pay for it, just fill it now!”

(Five minutes later…)

Me: “Okay, sir, we’ve got you ready. The total comes to $35.99.”

Original Customer: “WHAT?! My co-pay is only $3.00!”

Me: “Sir, you said you wanted to go ahead and pay cash price since the insurance transmitter is still down.”

Original Customer: “I do have cash! See?” *shows a wallet with cash in it* “Why is it $35?! You people don’t know anything! I’m taking my business elsewhere!”

Me: *facepalm*

We Can Also Give It Lots Of Benadryl
EDITORS' CHOICE, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 28, 2008
(Our new drugstore is assigned a phone number that had previously belonged to the animal shelter. We ALWAYS answer the phone with our store name and hours, but people don’t always listen. This becomes annoying, but one of my coworkers likes to have fun with it.)

Caller: “Uh, yeah. I have this raccoon in my backyard.”

Coworker: “Hmm… that’s nice.”

Caller: “Yeah, well it seems to be acting strangely… like it’s crazy.”

Coworker: “What do you want me to do about it?”

Caller: “Well, you should do your job and come out and get rid of it! Isn’t that why I pay my taxes?”

Coworker: “Okay, then. Give me your address.”

Caller: *gives out address*

Coworker: “All right, after I close the drugstore I’ll be over with my shotgun around midnight. There will be a loud noise, so warn your neighbors. Since I don’t work for your taxes, just tape a $20 bill inside your mailbox, more if you want a fancy burial. Have a nice day!” *click*

Back In My Day, Pills Fell Like Mana From The Heavens
EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PHARMACY | RIGHT | MARCH 13, 2008
(I was cashiering the closing shift on a Sunday night. The pharmacy closes earlier than the rest of the store on weekends. A customer comes in at 9:30 pm.)

Customer: “Oh sh*t! The pharmacy is closed?!”

Me: “Yes, they close at 6 pm on weekends. They will open again at 8 am tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “But I need a prescription filled.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the pharmacist will not be here until 8 am tomorrow morning.”

Customer: “Can’t you do it?”

Me: “No…”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “I’m not a pharmacist.”

Customer: “Don’t be a smart a**!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Only a pharmacist can fill your prescription.”

Customer: “What is this world coming to?!” *storms out*

Super Absorbent For Those Mentally Heavy Days
EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 23, 2009
(An elderly man calls up to the store.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pharmacy]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my granddaughter came to visit me, and she bought me a birthday gift. It’s on the kitchen table, but I’m not sure what it is.”

Me: “Okay, well, what can you tell me about the product?”

Customer: “Well, the box says ‘K-O-T-E-X’. Can you tell me what that is, honey? What it’s used for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: Well, sir… that’s a feminine hygiene product.”

Customer: “Feminine hygiene? What’s the product for? I just can’t figure it out.”

Me: “Sir… it’s for women on their period.”

Customer: “Why would my granddaughter buy me Kotex?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir. Maybe you should ask her that.”

Customer: “So can I still use them to stir my Kool-Aid with? Because that’s what I’ve been using them for.”

Yeah, Definitely Contraindicated
DRUGS, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 21, 2009
(A patient walks up to the pick-up window looking like he just came from the emergency room.)

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I wanna drop this off…” *hands me an ER prescription*

Me: “Sir, this is the pick-up window. You need to drop off the prescription at the drop off window.”

Customer: “Where’s that?”

Me: “The counter at the entrance to the room with the big sign that says “Drop Off Window’.”

Customer: “Where?”

Me: “You know, you already waited in line so I’ll just take the prescription here. Have you ever had any medication here before?”

Customer: “I don’t know; have I?”

Me: “I’ll take that as a no. Do you have any allergies to medication?”

Customer: “Well, when I mix heroin and battery acid, I get a rash.”

Me: “…I’ll make a note on that.”

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Bilingual Secret Shame
PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 20, 2009
Customer: “Excuse me, what are diaper couches?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Diaper couches.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what you mean.”

Customer: *points to the boxes of diapers* “That box! It says ‘diaper couches’.”

Me: *suddenly understanding* “Ma’am, that box says diapers, and then it says ‘couches’. That’s the French word for diapers.”

Customer: *looks around, then whispers* “Don’t tell anyone!” *leaves*

Rip Van Winkle To The Extreme
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PHARMACY | RIGHT | APRIL 2, 2009
Customer: “Hi, I have a rather simple question to ask you.”

Me: “Sure thing. What can I help you with?”

Customer: “Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to make someone sleep for a really long time, what would I use?”

Me: “Um, just how long are you talking?”

Customer: “Well, I was thinking somewhere around forever.”

Me: “…”

MacGyver Becomes a Dad
EDITORS' CHOICE, MEDICATION, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, PHARMACY | RIGHT | MARCH 26, 2009
(A man is picking up a prescription for his infant child.)

Customer: “How much did you say the prescription was?”

Me: “$49.99.”

Customer: “What’s the difference between this and what I can get over the counter?”

Me: “There’s no cough medicine you can give your eight-month-old, sir, other than this.”

Customer: “Well, what’s in it?”

(He picks up the prescription papers and starts rustling through them.)

Customer: “If I can buy everything that’s in it over the counter, I’ll just make it myself.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Wait Until She Discovers The Beatles!
MUSIC, PHARMACY, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 1, 2020
The county fair is currently going on, and a band popular in the 60s and 70s is playing tonight. I am delivering medicine to a customer.

Customer:
“Are you going to the fair tonight? I know a lot of people are going tonight. Hey, what are [Band]?

Me:
“They’re a band that was popular in the 70s, I think. Have you ever heard[lists off their most popular songs]?”

Customer:
“Yeah, I guess. I didn’t know it was their song, though. I’m too old to keep up with that stuff!”

I thanked her and left, trying not to laugh at the fact that the band had formed in the early sixties, before my parents were even born, and I knew who they were. She had to have been about in her thirties at the time they were popular. But hey, maybe thirty is the new sixty for her!

Unfiltered Story #187697
PHARMACY, USA | UNFILTERED | MARCH 1, 2020
(I work at a very well n own pharmacists as a cashier. It’s Easter and we’ve been getting a lot of calls asking whether we’re are open and if we close early. I start work at 11am)
The phone rings
Me: hello this is you pharmacy how can I help you?
Callers: yea I just wanted to know if you guys close early today?
Me: nope. We close at 10
Callers: so is that 10 this morning or 10 tonight?
Me:…

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Having A Meow Meow Pow Wow
BIZARRE, NON-DIALOGUE, PHARMACY, SERBIA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 24, 2020
I was in a pharmacy with two pharmacists working. I was waiting in the left line while in the right there was one of “those” customers, a woman who wanted a “spray that heals cuts.” There was previously an antibiotic spray on the market which did something similar but it’s not available anymore.

The pharmacist explains and explains and the woman says that’s not even it; this spray she is talking about basically heals the injury instantly. (NASA would love to have those, probably!) They go back and forth for a long time.

We all watch with sympathy as the scene unfolds. Since I can be a bit of a complicated customer, I also watch and think, “Whew, there you go. You are not the worst one; that one is definitely crazier!”

As I get called up to the pharmacist on the left, I tell her what I need and she turns around to get it for me. I sort of stare into space and get lost in thought and start quietly singing to myself, “Meow, meow, meow…” to the tune of an ad jingle. Before you ask, I have no idea why.

The pharmacist turns around to see me quietly meowing to a melody to myself and, as our eyes meet, I can just see her thinking, “The crazies are everywhere.”

Unfiltered Story #187020
NEW YORK, PHARMACY, USA | UNFILTERED | FEBRUARY 24, 2020
(I work at a pharmacy/ general store near my house. I usually work behind the register closest to the door, so i get asked about where certain products are. I am also the guy who has to deal with all the refunds. On this day, a old lady and a little girl walk in together. I greet them, and they go on their way. A few minutes later they are at my register.)

Me: “Hello, how are you?”

Old Woman: “I’m good, thank you. I’d like to buy these.”

She hands me a box of tampons.

Me: “One moment please.”

I scan her item, and hand it to her. She pays in full, and the old woman, takes the girl, who I’ve assumed to be her daughter with her.

Four days later, the women return, clearly angry. They approach me.

Old Woman: “I’d like a refund.”

She holds up the box, with has been opened. We have a strict policy for not refunding opened items.

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give you refunds on used items.”

Old Woman: “Your goddamn faulty products got my daughter pregnant!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Old Woman: You heard me, you son of a b****! These tampons didn’t stop my daughter from getting pregnant.”

By now the whole store is hearing what the lady is saying, and a few of the women on line are laughing quietly.

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but tampons don’t stop pregnancy.”

Old Woman: What the hell are you talking about? Are you trying to bulls*** me?”

Me: “No, I’m serious. Tampons are for your periods. If you wanted a contraceptive, I would’ve gladly help you out.”

The woman is clearly embarrassed now, since the whole store is laughing at her.

Old Woman: *whisper* “Where are the contraceptives?”

Me: “Aisle three, by the tampons.”

The woman quickly hurries off, and grabs the birth control pills.

Old Woman: “I’m so sorry.”

Me: “It’s alright.”

The lady pays, takes her daughter and runs out the door. My coworkers and I start laughing, and one of the female employees said, “She was a woman right? How did she not know what tampons are?”

Me: “I don’t know, but at least her daughter knows what to look for.”

Unfiltered Story #187008
DETROIT, MICHIGAN, PHARMACY, USA | UNFILTERED | FEBRUARY 24, 2020
(I’m ringing out a customer who wants to update the information on her card. This requires scanning it twice, once for the update, and once for the actual transaction)
Me: Alright, let me see your card so I can update your phone number. Thank you, and please leave it out so I can scan it again during the transaction.
Customer: *puts card away*
Me: Okay then, your current phone number is now attached to your card. Can I please see your [Store] card again? I need to scan it so that you can receive the sale prices on our items.
Customer: Oh…I didn’t know you actually meant what you said earlier.

Unfiltered Story #186928
CANADA, PHARMACY | UNFILTERED | FEBRUARY 19, 2020
(The pharmacy I work at offers a drive-thru service. A customer pulls up, looking irate and holding his medication bag up to his window. Keep in mind I’m very obviously a teenager, voice cracks and all.)

Customer: You f***ing idiots overcharged my medications!

Me: I’m sorry about that, give me a moment and I’ll take care of this.

Customer: You better! If you bunch of jacka**es can’t handle something as simple as charging the right amount, I’ll take my business elsewhere!

(This customer has a complicated billing arrangment between us and his insurance company. The pharmacist who knows the situation is at home, so I call this pharmacist from the drive-thru window. Every few seconds, the customer starts shouting about how stupid I am, how long I’m taking, and that he’s going somewhere else. I assure him I’m working on it, but his shouting gets so loud it overpowers the pharmacist on the phone, making this take even longer. Finally, I have enough.)

Customer: I CAN’T BELIEVE –

Me: *hand over the receiver, almost growling* Shut. Up. Now.

(The customer sputters to a stop, clearly surprised that a teenager still voice cracking would stand up to him like that. But he stayed quiet for the rest of the transaction. I understand being frustrated when a business screws up. But once the employees start fixing it, just be quiet and let them do their job!)

Unfiltered Story #186490
PHARMACY, USA, WASHINGTON DC | UNFILTERED | FEBRUARY 8, 2020
(I am the customer and I am picking up cough meds and an inhaler because I have bronchitis/walking pneumonia. Also, I haven’t slept much in the last week because I’m up all night coughing.)

Me: Hi, I’m here to pick up a prescription.

*pause*

Me: Obviously, since I’m at a pharmacy.

Pharmacist: laughs

Unfiltered Story #185167
CALIFORNIA, PHARMACY, USA | UNFILTERED | FEBRUARY 6, 2020
(I work in a pharmacy and this scenario happens almost weekly)

Tech: I’m sorry, we can’t fill your prescription, we don’t have the medication in stock

Patient: Why can’t you?! I have a prescription!

Tech: I know you do, but we don’t have the medication. We can order it for you for tomorrow or you can take it to another pharmacy

Patient: I always get my medication here, why can’t you fill it?

Tech: Well we can order it for tomorrow, but I don’t have the medication in stock

Patient: But I need it today, just fill it!!

Tech: We don’t have the medication, I can’t give you something we don’t have.

Patient: I don’t get why this happened! You should always have it, I need it now.

Tech: We can order it for tomorrow or you can go to a different pharmacy. There’s nothing else I can do for you. We don’t have the medication *walks away*

Tech: *to me* I don’t get why people come last minute and demand their medication, that prescription was a week old and she knew she was going to run out anyways.

Me: And I don’t get why they always think we should have every medication in stock, like we are a magic vault that can hold every single medication