Leave The Medicine To The Medical Professionals
Current Events, Customer Service, Florida, Patients, Politics, USA | Healthy | April 29, 2020
I work for a mail-order pharmacy that also manages pharmacy benefits. I work in our Medicare division, so 95% of my customers are over 65. This is just after the president has started to praise a certain medication for Lupus as a treatment for this recent widespread illness.
I get a call from a woman nearly sobbing.
Me: “This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, this is [Caller]. I saw on the news that the president was saying [Drug] could treat the outbreak.”
As I am pulling up our scripting about this, I look at her account and see she is already taking the medication and has claims going back a couple of years.
Me: “Well, ma’am, we understand the concern—”
Caller: “Is there going to be a shortage? What if I can’t get my Lupus medication? I’ve been taking this for ten years!”
This poor woman is sobbing.
Me: “Ma’am, I certainly understand your concern. And we are keeping up with the reports coming out. At this time, I want to assure you that we are prioritizing our patients who already have a valid prescription. If you’re still worried, then when it’s time to renew the prescription, have your doctor state the reason it’s being prescribed. At this time, we have not received word of a shortage, but we are monitoring the situation daily.”
Caller: “Oh, thank you! I just heard the president saying it on TV and now I’m afraid everyone is going to buy it up!”
Me: “Again, I can understand, ma’am. Please know that if there is an issue, we will let you know right away! Is there anything else I can help you with?”
Caller: “No. Oh, God bless you! Thank you!”
She was one of eight that week. Do these politicians not realize their words have effects on people?
Nonagenarians Living On The Edge
Assisted Living, Health & Body, Home, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, USA | Healthy | April 28, 2020
I am an aide for the elderly. I’ve been sick for a few days and since all of my clients are high-risk — as am I because of asthma — I decide to call in sick for a week, just to make sure it isn’t anything serious.
One of my clients has managed to get my personal number and gives me a call.
Client: “[My Name]? Hello!”
Me: “Hello, Miss [Client], how are you?”
Client: “I’m fine. Listen, I was just talking to my son and he is worried about all this nonsense. He wants to cancel your appointments for the month.”
Me: “Oh, that’s actually a great idea! You’re very high-risk because you’re in your nineties and on oxygen. I’m glad you listened to him. Plus, I’m sick, too, so I was really worried about infecting you if this is more serious. “
Client: “You know I don’t care. If I get this disease, then it’s a good day.”
I’m used to her talking like this.
Me: “No, no, no, you don’t want to die from this; it’s pretty bad. You want to go peacefully in bed, remember?”
Client: “Right, right. So, I won’t see you during this month. But you can stop by anytime if you’re in the neighborhood!”
I’m trying not to laugh.
Me: “Miss [Client], I can’t. The whole purpose is to keep you safe.”
She is one of my favorite clients. She’s one of those tough cookies but has a good heart. I’m sure she’s going to be super lonely this month but I told her to call me anytime she wanted to! Also, for those curious, I am feeling a little better but still coughing and having trouble breathing. Yay, asthma.
Pussies Playing Possum
Australia, Bizarre, New South Wales, Pets & Animals, Vet | Healthy | April 27, 2020
I have a cat who had a rough life before she came to me. She was wandering around in the bushland for most of her life and leaving her kittens with people who worked in a building in the area. She was eventually trapped and brought to me as a feral for my barn program. However, we discovered she was friendly and I adopted her and named her Possum.
Possum has some health problems which means a trip to the vet every six months or so. She’s had to have most of her teeth removed, and she has skin problems, pre-cancerous nodules on her throat, and arthritis.
Possum has a purr that sounds roughly like a cross between a demented kookaburra and a lawnmower with a broken blade. She’s also incredibly loud to the point where it’s difficult to hold a conversation in the same room with her when she’s stressed, which means most of this conversation is carried by yelling over the top of her.
I’m leaving the consult room with Possum in a carrier.
Me: “Thanks again for everything. I’ll see you soon.”
Possum: “BRAAAAAAAAAP!”
Me: “How much do I owe?”
Vet Nurse: “It’s [price]. We’ll just get the tablets for you.”
Possum: “BRAAAAAAAAP!”
Other Client: “What do you have in there?”
Me: “Possum.”
Possum: “BRAAAAAAAAAAAA AP!”
Other Client: “You have a possum in there?”
Me: “What? No, she’s a cat. Her name is Possum.”
The other client looks into the carrier. Possum chokes on her purr and squawks like a dying chicken.
Other Client: “What the f***?”
Possum: “BRAAAAAAAAP!”
I laughed so hard I had to put the carrier down and hang on to the counter.
Suffocating Under The Weight Of Lazy Doctors
Doctor/Physician, Emergency Room, Hospital, Lazy/Unhelpful, USA, Washington | Healthy | April 26, 2020
CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.
I have a medical condition that makes colds and the flu very dangerous for me. I could die from either. I catch the flu despite having gotten vaccinated; the shot doesn’t always work 100%. I am prescribed antiviral medication and actually start feeling better.
But then, I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I am trying to breathe through Jello. The flu has triggered bronchitis, so I pack a bag and go to the ER.
The doctor there isn’t taking it seriously at all but I know I am in no shape to go home with oral antibiotics. The ER doc has been on the phone with my specialist.
ER Doctor: “Doctor [Specialist] said to send you home with oral antibiotics.”
Me: “Absolutely not. This is probably the sickest I’ve ever been. You never even listened to my lungs, so how can you give my doctor an accurate picture of what’s going on? I’ve had doctors listen to my lungs when I come in for a sprained ankle!”
ER Doctor: “Well, the hospital is pretty full right now, so we’re not going to admit you.”
Me: “Yes, you are! Figure it out, because I’m not going home!”
ER Doctor: “Uh, well… I’ll see what I can do.”
He had a nurse come in and put a pulse-ox monitor on me to measure my pulse and oxygen level and then had me walk. I didn’t make it twenty feet before my oxygen tanked. The doctor was shocked. He thought that everything would be fine and it would prove to me that I was healthy enough to go home. But I obviously wasn’t fine, so they admitted me.
I had a room upstairs about an hour later. He never did listen to my lungs which infuriated my specialist. I spent a week in the hospital and another month recovering at home. I also filed a grievance against that ER doc.
Did You Try Reading The Directions?
Pharmacy, Rhode Island, Stupid, USA | Healthy | April 25, 2020
A customer comes up to me with a book and a pair of reading glasses.
Customer: “Hi. I have a question. Maybe you can help me.”
Me: “Okay. I can try.”
Customer: “My doctor told me I should get reading glasses, but I don’t understand. Do I put the glasses on over my others? I asked my doctor and he didn’t answer me.”
Me: “Um… no. You just put the reading glasses on.”
Customer: “Oh. Okay. I mean, I can see the writing better this way, but I don’t know why my doctor wouldn’t answer when I asked him. I mean, how am I supposed to wear two pairs of glasses?”
“Opportunistic” Might Be Less Harsh
Criminal & Illegal, Finland, Pharmacy | Healthy | April 23, 2020
Customer: “To whom can I give this medical waste?”
I notice that the product contains a mild opiate.
Me: “You can give it to me; I’ll make sure it’s properly discarded.”
Customer: “Yeah, I figured that I could have made some money selling it on the street, but that would have been too much of a hassle!”
Just What Labor Needs: Complications
Current Events, Emergency Services, Health & Body, Silly, UK | Healthy | April 22, 2020
The hospital where I’m going to have my baby is currently restricting the number of people who can enter due to a global outbreak of illness. This means my partner can’t be with me for the delivery. This has led to a couple of interesting conversations.
The main one is when my labour starts at home. My partner is talking to the 999 operator on speakerphone to get an ambulance. Halfway through, this happens.
Partner: “Will they get here soon? I think the baby’s coming.”
Operator: “Ma’am, we have to ask that you and your baby stay at home. We can only take the patient. We’re trying to limit the number of people in hospital to reduce the infection rate.”
Partner: *Pauses* “I think you misheard me. I mean the baby currently exiting my wife’s uterus.”
I started laughing so hard I was distracted from contractions for a few minutes.
The Editors Are Dying (Of Laughter)
Colorado, Funny, Health & Body, Medical Office, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 21, 2020
When I started college, I lived on campus and had a meal plan. I ate a lot of pizza and whatever else you’d expect college kids to eat. I did not drink alcohol and I considered myself pretty healthy.
One day, I started having cramps in my abdomen. It got worse over a few days and I was worried that maybe my appendix was getting ready to burst or that I was having some other issue like that. I went to the local medical clinic to get checked out and make sure I wasn’t dying.
The doctor had me get up on the exam table so she could press around on my abdomen and see what to do next. I was so worried I’d need surgery and have to stay in the hospital with my family being more than four hours away.
As the doctor was pressing around, trying to find the offending area, she told me that I was not dying. I was just constipated and needed to eat some more vegetables; she made a few suggestions.
When I got done, I never told anyone what was actually wrong, just that the doctor said I wasn’t dying.
Time Travelling Is No Fun In The Real World
Date, Department Store, Golden Years, Health & Body, Oregon, USA | Healthy | April 20, 2020
I work as a cashier at a department store. This elderly couple comes up to the register. They’re regulars and also happen to be the grandparents of my Person In Charge.
The woman writes a check, like she always does, and hands it to me when she’s finished. I do a quick once-over but then notice something strange. The date she has just written is wrong. And I don’t mean, oh, she put last month or the wrong day on. We are in August of 2018 and the date she wrote was December 13th… 1947. I have her correct it and off she goes.
I call my PIC over to my register.
Me: “Um, [PIC], I need to tell you something. Your grandma came through my line and wrote a check but she got the date wrong. Like… really really wrong.”
I pull the check out and show it to him.
Me: “I think you need to take her to the doctor as soon as possible. My brother is a fireman and I’ve heard of things like this happening. I don’t think it’s life-threatening at the moment; she seemed fine aside from the date. But something is wrong.”
The next day, he took her to the doctor to get checked out. It turned out she’d had a small stroke and had the onset of dementia.
Definitely The Wrong Call
Alberta, Canada, Employees, Ignoring & Inattentive, Pharmacy | Healthy | April 19, 2020
I see a missed call on my phone and recognize the number from a store where I used to work over ten years ago. I check my voicemail and it’s from the pharmacy.
Pharmacy: “Hi, [My Name], it’s [Store Pharmacy]. We aren’t able to get your prescription in; can you call us back?”
I moved my prescriptions since I quit and haven’t been to the doctor recently, so I call back, confused.
Pharmacy: “Hello, [Story Pharmacy], how can I help you?”
Me: “My name is [My Name] and I just had a missed call about a prescription?”
Pharmacy: “Yes, we aren’t able to order the cream in but we called [Doctor] to ask about an alternative.”
Me: “That’s not my prescription; I haven’t had anything filled there in years. It must be for someone else?”
Pharmacy: “Is your name [Full Name]?”
Me: “Yes.”
Pharmacy: “Is your phone number [number I called from]?”
Me: “Yes.”
Pharmacy: “Is your birthdate June 2—”
I cut them off.
Me: “That is not my birthdate; I’m not allowed to hear that information. This is someone else’s prescription.”
When Mom And Dad Are Scarier Than The Dentist
Bizarre, Dentist, Patients, Phone, USA | Healthy | April 17, 2020
I used to work in a children’s dental clinic. One of my jobs was to contact the parents to remind them of their child’s appointment. One afternoon, I dialed a number and it went to voicemail. This is what I heard:
“Death waits for all of us. It casts a shadow before the young and dances on the back of the old. It comes whenever it will: in your sleep, while you eat, while you drive…”
There was a pause.
“Hmm, maybe even in a voicemail message. If you are brave, leave one.”
Then came the beep.
I’ve never left my message so quickly. And it was for two kids!
A Difference As Simple As Black And White
Doctor/Physician, Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Silly, USA | Healthy | April 15, 2020
Even though this incident had me briefly worried, I really love it in retrospect simply because of what it meant about the young man involved. His heart was in the right place, and I have to say, he had a good world view.
I’m in the hospital for what the doctor tells me is major surgery. As often happens in these hospital jaunts, I meet the entire staff of people who will be attending my operation.
Just before surgery, the anesthesiologist and his — rather new and green and eager — assistant come in to bid me a good day. They are in masks, scrubs, and caps.
Anesthesiologist: “Hi, [My Name]. My name is [Anesthesiologist] and this is my assistant, [Assistant]. We will be taking care of the anesthesia for you this morning.”
We chat, and I ask questions. [Assistant] desperately wants to prove to the two of us that he knows what is going on and makes a couple of comments that are really gauche and a little stupid, but since it has nothing to do with anesthesia or surgery, I am not concerned. His boss occasionally rolls his eyes, and he tells me, “He really knows his stuff but he’s a little awkward socially,” when [Assistant] leaves the room.
I’m not concerned; I trust my doctor, the anesthesiologist has been very reassuring, and I figure it’s a little late to turn back now.
The surgery goes fine and I wake up a few hours later. Eventually, two handsome young men walk into my room.
Anesthesiologist: “Hi, [My Name]! Do you remember us?”
Me: “I sure do.” *Pointing* “You’re [Anesthesiologist] and you’re [Assistant].”
Anesthesiologist: “Wow. You’re really sharp. You remembered our names!”
Assistant: *In awe* “And, hey. She got us right, too. You couldn’t even see us when we first met. We were in masks! She was still able to tell us apart!”
[Anesthesiologist] and I look at each other and [Anesthesiologist] cheerfully smacks [Assistant] in the shoulder.
Anesthesiologist: *To me* “Tell him how you could tell us apart! Go on. Tell him.”
[Assistant] looks at me expectantly.
Me: “I could tell you apart because [Anesthesiologist] is black and you are not.”
[Assistant] stares at us for a few minutes as if just noticing that he and his mentor look nothing alike, even down to the fact that [Anesthesiologist] is small and compact and [Assistant] is tall and lanky.
It is the cutest moment ever. And I just love the fact that [Assistant] never considered it. When I speak with my doctor later, I mention the incident. She bursts out laughing.
Doctor: “Yeah, [Assistant]’s a little ditzy, but I have to say we should all have his world view.”
A Hearty Dose Of Stupid Questions
Employees, Florida, Hospital, Stupid, USA | Healthy | April 13, 2020
I’m a nurse at a busy hospital. We often get calls about anomalous readings regarding the heart monitors from the techs who monitor them remotely. Usually, it’s an easy fix like changing out the batteries of the monitor, making sure the connection is secure, or reattaching leads — those sticky things they stick all over your chest and belly at the hospital.
One afternoon, I get this call.
Heart Monitor Tech: “Are you the nurse for room [number]? Oh, my God, your patient is in asystole!” *Meaning they’re flat-lining* “You need to check on them right away.”
Me: “Hmm, I assure you she is not. I’m standing in front of her and she is breathing and talking to me right now.”
Heart Monitor Tech: “Are you sure?”
Me: *In my head* “Yes, I’m absolutely sure I’m not talking to a f****** corpse.”
Me: *Out loud* “I’ll be sure to check the monitor and leads, thanks.”
The Hamster Is Probably More Self-Aware
Current Events, Health & Body, Ignoring & Inattentive, Jerk, South Carolina, Strangers, USA, Vet | Healthy | April 12, 2020
I’m in my mid-forties. My beloved hamster started to have blood in his urine at about the worst possible time, during the start of a widespread illness. I got a same-day emergency appointment and took him to my local vet who, thankfully, was open.
There was a large sign on their door asking patients not to enter if they showed any signs of the illness, but rather to call for further instructions. I stopped, read the sign, and then carefully entered, stopping at the tape marker before the receptionist’s desk. The receptionist was a woman in her sixties wearing gloves and other protective equipment.
I noted after greeting her that I had read the sign and had no symptoms. The vet, the receptionist, and I were all careful to keep separation as much as possible during the visit.
The visit went well and my hamster was prescribed antibiotics. As I was waiting to check out and pay, a woman in her sixties walked in the door with no pet and stood right next to me, despite the fact that the place had no other clients and she could easily have moved further away.
I moved away as far as I could get and still conduct my transaction.
The receptionist told the woman, “I need to ask you if you have read the sign.”
“What sign?” the woman asked.
“Please go outside and read the sign.”
The woman stepped out, huffing, and read the sign while the receptionist and I looked at each other in horror like, “Duh? There is a flipping world-wide crisis going on.” The receptionist actually smacked her forehead and I shook my head in sheer disbelief.
The woman stepped back in and said, “I read the sign. I’m fine,” and then flopped down in a chair as close to me as she could possibly get.
I looked at the receptionist like, “Help!” and she got me checked out and on my way as fast as possible. I fled out the door with my sweet boy — the receptionist was kind enough to hold the door for us — and I hear the woman asking her if she could buy a commonly available brand of dog food you can get at nearly any store.
I still can’t believe she’d risk her life in an international health crisis for dog food she could have ordered online or had delivered to her car at the nearest pet store, and then further do so by standing right next to someone.
If I get this illness, I have a pretty good chance of making it. People her age are dying at a rate of one out of three. If the CDC and WHO and everyone else tell you to separate as much as possible, do it!
Much as I am annoyed by young people partying on the beach during this, it’s not just them that are acting foolishly.
Putting The Wrong Person Under Pressure
Hospital, Impossible Demands, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 11, 2020
I work in an ER as a health unit coordinator, which means one of my many jobs is answering the phones. I’m not allowed to give medical advice over the phone, and neither is anyone else. The phone rings.
Me: “[ER], this is [My Name].”
Man: “Hey, uh, so, I’m sitting in [Other Local ER]’s waiting room. They just took my blood pressure and it seemed high; can you tell me if it’s high or not?”
Me: “Did you say you’re sitting at the [Other Local ER]?”
Man: “Yeah! So, my blood pressure was [a very normal and perfect pressure]; is that high?”
Me: “Unfortunately, sir, I can’t give you any medical advice over the phone, but since you’re sitting in another ER, you could ask them, or I could refer you to a nurse hotline number.”
Man: “Could I get that number, please?”
Me: “Uh, sure.”
He took the number and hung up. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why he would think to call another ER to find out if his blood pressure was high.
A Grand Effort To Prevent Disease
Current Events, Grandparents, Health & Body, Medical Office, Michigan, Non-Dialogue, USA | Healthy | April 10, 2020
My aunt was about to become a grandmother and wanted to make sure she was clean of any diseases before visiting her daughter and newborn grandchild in the hospital. She had suspected that she had a cold and wanted to make sure it wasn’t anything worse, so she set up a doctor’s appointment.
When she went in for her appointment, the doctor came into the exam room in a full hazmat suit.
The doctor apologized and explained that it was a new protocol when seeing patients who might have a certain disease. My aunt was given a clean bill of health and will see her first grandchild soon.
Weird Is The Word
Hospital, Impossible Demands, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 9, 2020
I work in an ER as a health unit coordinator, which means one of my many jobs is answering the phones. I’m not allowed to look up patients’ medical records except for in certain circumstances.
The phone rings.
Me: “[ER], this is [My Name]; how can I help you?”
Man: “What’s this word?”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
Man: “This word in front of me; what does it mean?”
Me: “Sir, I can’t see what’s in front of you. Could you spell the word out for me?”
He spells out a word and I write it down; it’s not a word, term, or medication I’ve ever heard of before. I pronounce it how I assume the word would be pronounced.
Man: “What is it?”
Me: “I’m not sure. Uh… how can I help you?”
Man: “This paper here said to call this number for the pharmacy if I had any questions, so I did!”
Me: “Sir, this is the ER.”
Man: “Oh, really?! Can you, like, look up medical records?!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but unfortunately, I can’t do that.”
Man: “Really? You can’t look it up for [Man]?”
Me: “No, I’m sorry, I’m not allowed.”
Man: “Aw, man! Okay, well, have a good night!”
That was one of the weirdest calls I have ever gotten.
Self-Isolate Before It’s Too Iso-Late
Australia, Current Events, Health & Body, Hospital, Stupid | Healthy | April 8, 2020
This call takes place in mid-February 2020, just as the panic is starting but before any of the major lockdowns in Australia. My hospital has just opened up a testing clinic but is only accepting patients who meet certain criteria. I’m a switchboard operator, and we’re not medically trained and are not meant to give advice, but in this strange new world we’re in we are finding ourselves having to triage callers to help lighten the load.
Caller: “I heard you guys are testing for that Corona? Where do I go?”
Me: “Okay, first, I just need to check that you meet the criteria to be tested. Are you currently experiencing flu-like symptoms?”
Caller: “Yes, my husband and I have a fever and sore throat.”
Me: “Okay, and have you been overseas in the last fourteen days?”
Caller: “Yes, we just got back from Italy two days ago.”
Me: “Okay. It sounds like you do meet the criteria to be tested.”
I give specific instructions for how to access the clinic using a special entrance.
Caller: “Okay, thanks. We’ll come in soon. Oh, also, my aunty is admitted there with you guys at the moment. Might as well kill two birds with one stone and visit her while we’re there!”
Me: “Umm, no, please don’t do that.”
Caller: “Huh? Why not?”
Me: “Uh… They ask you to self-isolate if you believe you have it. I would not recommend visiting an inpatient.”
Caller: “What? Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense. Okay, we won’t visit her, then. Thank you, bye!”
A Depressing Misunderstanding
California, Los Angeles, Medical Office, Nurses, USA, Wordplay | Healthy | April 7, 2020
I’ve recently started antidepressants, and a nurse calls me a few days later to check on me.
Nurse: “How are you feeling? Are the meds working for you?”
Me: “A bit better, but I’m still taking stock.”
Nurse: “What was that?”
Me: “I’m taking stock? To see if I feel better?”
Nurse: “You shouldn’t be doing that.”
Me: “What? Why not?”
Nurse: “You shouldn’t be taking anything not prescribed by your doctor.”
Me: “But I’m taking stock; it’s just an idiom. Because I’m not sure yet whether the medicine is working.”
Nurse: “Would you like me to have the pharmacy give you a call?”
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