In The Navy, His Fate is Sealed
EDITORS' CHOICE, FRANCE, MILITARY, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 21, 2010
(The restaurant is near a Navy base and therefore, sometimes, sailors and officers off-duty come to eat. A man and his girlfriend come in. They haven’t reserved a table, are rude and snotty with my coworkers, complain a lot about the food, talk loudly, and sometimes mock the other customers. My manager decides that enough is enough when the man lights a cigarette after requesting his bill.)
Manager: “Sir, you can’t smoke here.”
Customer: “Yes, I can.”
Manager: “Sir, you’re in a smoke-free zone. Either go away or put out this cigarette.”
(The customer gets up. He’s clearly taller and larger than the manager and glances at him.)
Customer: “Buddy, listen. I’m a Navy’s lieutenant, so I’m not going to take crap from civvies. Just shut up and let me smoke.”
(At this point, I decide to call the police when I notice another customer with his family getting up and going straight to the troublemaker.)
Customer #2 : “Well, I’m HIS superior, and as soon as I’m out of here, I’ll make sure he lights your a** up.”
(The second customer pulls out a military ID and shows it to him. The troublemaking customer goes white, apologizes profusely to the manager and the customer, pays his bill, and storms off with his girl WHILE SOBBING. Turns out the man showed him his military ID, and he’s a Navy’s rear-admiral. Needless to say, we gave a huge discount to the officer.)
Drive Hoo
ATLANTA, AWESOME, BIZARRE, EDITORS' CHOICE, FAST FOOD, GEORGIA, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 13, 2010
Me: “Welcome to [Fast-Food Restaurant]. How may I help you?”
Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia
EDITORS' CHOICE, EMERGENCY SERVICES, PIZZA | RIGHT | MAY 15, 2009
Me: “9-1-1. Police, fire, or ambulance?”
Caller: “Help! Please, God, help!”
Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”
Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”
Me: “Calm down… The police are well on the way as we are talking.”
Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh, my God, why me?”
Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”
Caller: “Yeah. I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… He’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”
Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell and ask what he wants?”
Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”
Pizza Guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”
Gadgets & Morals Make Strange Bedfellows
EDITORS' CHOICE, RUDE & RISQUE, TECH SUPPORT, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 29, 2007
The customer needs help adding his music into his iTunes library. I show him how, and this happens:
Customer: “Uggghhh!”
Me: “What happened?”
Customer: “Well, I’ll be honest. It’s adding my p*rn.”
Me: *silence* “Oh…”
Customer: “Please make it stop! I don’t want p*rn on my iPod!”
Me: “Click the little X near the top.”
Customer: “Okay, it stopped.”
Me: “Try adding the My Music folder again.”
Customer: “It’s doing it again! Oh, God!”
Me: “Okay, uh… let’s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.”
Customer: “Okay, I’ll do that.”
(A few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files)
Customer: “Oh, man. It’s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.”
Me: “Twenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!”
Customer: “Yes, I’m sure.”
(I show him how to do some other unrelated action while the p*rn is moved)
Customer: “All right, great. Now that we’re done concealing my shame….”
Learning By Example
AWESOME, JERK, MOVIES & TV, TIME, VIDEO RENTAL | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 6, 2009
Coworker: “Whoops, looks like there’s a 30-cent late fee on here for [Movie]. It was returned a day late, so your total will be $6.25.”
Customer: “What?! That’s impossible! I returned it the day after I rented it!”
Coworker: “Well, it was a seven-day rental, and it shows here that you returned it a day late at 6:13 pm.”
(The customer continues to argue very loudly with my coworker, yelling out things like, “Do you know who I am?!” However, I tune it out because a regular customer comes up to my register.)
Me: “Hi, Mr. [Regular]!”
Regular: “Hey, [My Name], love the hair. What’s the damage?”
Me: “Oh boy, $43.76 in late fees? Where did you go this time?”
(The regular leans way over into the other customer’s face and speaks loudly.)
Regular: “$43.76 in late fees, you say? Here is my debit card, miss!”
(He pulls his debit card out of his wallet with a big flourish.)
Regular: “Boy, I should learn to return my movies on time, which is clearly not the fault of this establishment!”
(The other customer shuts up, quickly pays, and leaves.)
Me: “You’re my favorite.”
Regular: “I know.”
(We waived half his fees and gave him a free rental.)
Time To Stuff Someone’s Mailbox w/Flat Lids
ICE CREAM SHOP, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 8, 2007
Customer, upon receiving her Moolatte: “This has a round lid, can I have a flat lid?”
Me: “I’m sorry, the only lid that fits that cup is a dome lid.”
Customer: “But I want a flat lid, Starbucks always gets me a flat lid! Why can’t you?!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the flat lids we have won’t fit that cup.”
Customer: “I want to speak with your manager.” *mutters* “Stupid kids…”
(I go and get my manager)
Manager: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”
Customer: “This stupid employee of yours won’t give me a flat lid!” *brandishes the drink in his face*
(My manager takes one of every single lid in the store and puts them in front of her)
Manager: “Go ahead then.”
Customer: *proceeds to try and put the lids on the cup, none of which fit* “This is ridiculous! Why don’t you have a flat lid?! Starbucks always has a flat lid!!”
Manager: “Then go buy your drinks there and leave my employees alone.”
This… Is… Spyware!
EDITORS' CHOICE, ELECTRONICS STORE, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 9, 2008
Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have Spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”
Me: “Ma’am? Spartans?”
Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have Spartans.”
Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”
Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has Spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”
Me: “You’re right, ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t Spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”
Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”
Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”
Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”
Best. Grandpa. Ever.
AT THE CHECKOUT, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, GRANDPARENTS, GROCERY STORE, PHYSICAL | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 20, 2009
(I work at a small grocery store owned by my grandpa. It’s in the middle of summer and a customer wearing a thick jacket comes in.)
Customer: “Can I get some cigarettes?”
Grandpa: “Excuse me, would you mind opening your jacket up?”
Customer: “No, why would I do that!”
Grandpa: “Sir, I saw you take that beer. Give it back and we won’t press charges.”
Customer: “That’s crazy, I didn’t take anything!”
Grandpa: “Sir, I–”
(The customer seems like he is about to run, and my grandpa grabs his arm. The customer tries to shove him away, but in the process he opens his coat and reveals the stolen goods.)
Customer: “GET OFF!”
(My grandpa grabs his balls, and begins squeezing them.)
Grandpa: “Just put the beer down, and I won’t pop them!”
A Tale Of Two Sitters
PUBLIC TRANSPORT | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 10, 2012
(I’m on the Metro (subway) during rush hour. Arriving at a station, I see a little girl with a bandaged leg and a crutch getting in the car with her mother. Since there are no seats available, she stays up. A few seconds later, a young man dressed like a thug on a seat behind them calls to the mother.)
Young Man: “Ma’am, take my seat for your child.”
Mother: “Oh, thank you.”
(As soon as the young man gets up, however, a middle-aged lady in a business suit jumps into his seat without saying a word.)
Young Man: “Ma’am, I gave my seat to the little girl, not to you.”
Middle-aged Lady: “You should’ve said so.”
Young Man: “You were right in front of me and clearly heard me. Besides, it’s obvious this girl needs a seat more than you.”
Middle-aged Lady: *angrily* “What’s your point?!”
Young Man: “My point is that you’re rude and impolite.”
Middle-aged Lady: “Who the f*** do you think you are to talk to me like that?! Do you know WHO I am?!”
Young Man: “I think I am someone much more polite and well-educated than you. And to who you are, I frankly don’t care.”
Middle-aged Lady: “YOU LITTLE F***! My husband owns [some big company]! I’m infinitely much richer and more powerful than you!”
Young Man: *grinning* “So, powerful and rich you take the metro to go home?”
(Stunned, the middle-aged lady looks like she’s been struck by lightning. She sheepishly leaves the car at the next station. The young man then turns to the girl and her mother, who are literally speechless.)
Young Man: *to the mother* “Sorry for that. There’s your seat!”
(The whole car cheered and applauded him. Whoever you are, Metro gentleman, you have my thumbs up!)
The Estrogen Empire Strikes Back
BAD BEHAVIOR, BIGOTRY, BOSSES & OWNERS, FAST FOOD, INSTANT KARMA | RIGHT | MARCH 20, 2008
(A customer had a complaint about his food. He refused to let the woman working the register help him.)
Man: “I want to talk to a manager.”
Female Employee: “Yes, sir.”
(The employee gets a shift manager to help her.)
Shift Manager: “Can I help you, sir?”
Man: “No, I want a manager!”
Shift Manager: “I am a shift manager, sir.”
Man: “I want to see the store manager!”
Shift Manager: “Uhm, okay, sir, I’ll be right back.”
(I was in the office working on the crew schedules for the next week. Shift Manager comes in and asks me to deal with the customer. She didn’t need to explain. I’d heard it all… He was very loud. I went to help deal with the situation.)
Me: “Can I help you, sir?”
Man: “I want to see a f****** God-d*** manager! Where’s the f****** store manager?”
Me: “I am the store manager, Sir.”
Man: “I want to speak to a male manager!”
Me: “Sir, all of my shift managers are female. As, clearly, am I.”
(Actually, every person working that day was female.)
Man: “I demand to speak to your d*** f***ing boss!”
Me: “I can get you a number so you can call my district manager, sir. Will that be okay?”
Man: “Finally! DO IT NOW!”
Me: “Yes, sir. Just a second.”
(I go into my office and grab one of the district manager’s cards.)
Me: “Here you are, sir. If you give HER a call, I’m sure SHE will be happy to help you.”
(I thought he was going to have a heart attack after that. Purple was definitely not his color.)
Becoming Familiar With Fiber
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, JERK, RESPECT YOUR ELDERS, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 11, 2009
(My dad is standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him is a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly has several more items than the limit.)
Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”
Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”
(An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)
A Man Of Many Faces, All Of Them Dumb
AT THE CHECKOUT, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, RETAIL, STUPID, UNDERAGED | RIGHT | JULY 29, 2009
(I had lost my entire wallet just a week prior. A customer approaches my check stand. He has an 18-pack of beer on the belt, and he looks about 20 years old.)
Me: *ringing him up* “ID, please.”
Customer: “You got it!”
(The customer pulls out a wallet that looks exactly like mine, broken chain and all. He then proceeds to show me my own ID.)
Me: *taking my wallet back from him* “Two problems with this.”
Customer: “What the h***, man?!”
Me: “First off, this is MY ID; MY wallet. Secondly, I’m not 21, and neither is this thing.”
A Large Can Of Whoop-A** And A Side Of Just Desserts
BAD BEHAVIOR, CHILDREN, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 11, 2010
(Around my restaurant area a lot of kids hang out, most of whom are the unfavorable type. This day in particular, one of them decides to open the door and swear at everyone inside.)
Kid: “All of you are f***ing b****es!”
(We ignore it and try to continue work as if nothing happened.)
Kid: “F*** you, f***ing pigs!”
(We ignore it again and this repeats for another two times. I am getting very annoyed.)
Kid: “Girls should stay in the kitchen!”
Me: “Hey, stop that or I’ll call security.”
Kid: *looks at me up and down* “Whatever! I bet you want to do me, don’t you?”
(The kid continues to talk dirty and make gestures to me, so I cut it off there.)
Me: “Get out of here before I start breaking your legs.”
(The kid looks shocked, probably because he didn’t expect anyone to snap back at him. He runs away. My co-worker, boss, and everyone else in the restaurant applaud and we get back into business. About 20 minutes later, the kid comes back with his mother.)
Mother: “Look, my son told me you threatened to break his legs! I’m reporting you to the police!”
Me: “Did he also tell you he was harassing us?”
Mother: “He told me he was talking to people when you–” *pushes index finger into my chest* “–threatened to break his legs!”
Me: “I can tell you, now, ma’am. He was harassing me and the customers.”
Mother: “Lies! I’ll charge you for threatening a child!”
Me: “Yes, then I’ll sue him for harassment, sexual harassment, and disturbing the peace.”
(The mother looks at the kid with horror on her face but doesn’t give up just yet.)
Mother: “You have no proof my son did that! I’ll charge you for psychological damages!”
Me: “I have plenty of proof on our cameras.” *I point to camera in the back corner, and then to the one at the front* “I also have a room full of witnesses who can give testimony on what he said and did.”
Mother: *stands on her spot stunned*
Me: “So, do you want your can of whoop-a** here, or shall I serve it to you in court?”
The First And True Language Of America
BIGOTRY, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, NEW MEXICO, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 23, 2013
(I’m waiting in line behind a woman who is speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.)
Man: “I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.”
Woman: “Excuse me?”
Man: *very slow* “If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.”
Woman: “Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.”
Highway Robbery
CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, GAS STATION, MONEY | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2009
(A customer comes to the gas station register and hands me their credit card immediately.)
Customer: “I was looking at the liters display instead of the price.”
Me: “Yeah, I hate when that happens. Let’s see what your total is.”
Customer: “Well, I shouldn’t have to pay anymore than the $20 I wanted to put in.”
Me: “Sorry, but it doesn’t work like that.”
Customer: “That’s bull-s***! I’m just going to drive off! Good luck getting your money!” *drives off without paying*
(I call the police who arrive ten minutes later, which is coincidentally when the customer returns; in his haste to drive off, he had forgotten to take back his credit card.)
Customer: “You stole my credit card, you a**hole!”
Me: “Just give me a second, sir. I’m in the middle of reporting a drive-off to these police officers.”
Customer: “Haha! So I’m not the only one to do a drive-off from here?”
Police: “Today you are. Please come with us, sir.”
About To Get Charged With Battery
BAD BEHAVIOR, EDITORS' CHOICE, FAMILY & KIDS, GAMES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RETAIL | RIGHT | AUGUST 24, 2009
Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Electronics Store]. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”
Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”
Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”
Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”
Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”
Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”
Customer: “But I threw the box out.”
Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”
Customer: “Let me ask my son.”
(I was put on hold for a minute.)
Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”
Me: “Why not?”
Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”
Me: “Unfortunately, no.”
Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”
Me: “Nope, sorry.”
Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*
Faux-bi-Wan Kenobi
EDITORS' CHOICE, GEEKS RULE, RETAIL | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 12, 2009
(I am cleaning up at an office supplies store when a customer walks to the automatic door, about to leave the store.)
Customer: *thrusts hand at door, palm out, as if he’s using ‘the Force’* “Whoosh!”
(The door opens, and he looks back as he exits and sees me looking at him.)
He Who Eats Less, Laughs Best
BAD BEHAVIOR, ICE CREAM SHOP, USA | RIGHT | JANUARY 14, 2009
(While I’m working, I see this teenage girl pull up in an really nice car. With her orange spray tan and expensive clothing, I could tell it would be interesting.)
Me: “Hey, what could I get for you today?”
Customer: “You’re going to make me a non-fat shake with non-fat mix, non-fat milk, and non-fat chocolate.
Me: “Oh, okay… I’ll have that done for you in just a second.”
(Right before I start to blend the shake, she speaks up
Customer: “So since you work here, do you eat a lot of ice cream?”
Me: “Well, I suppose I eat enough to be able to recommend stuff to customers…”
Customer: “Well, you just look like you eat a lot of ice cream. You might want to quit your job before you get too fat.”
Me: “Thanks for that advice.”
(While my coworker rings her up, I proceed to add five pumps of chocolate syrup, extra chocolate chips, and tons of extra ingredients to her shake, putting it up to a total of about 4,000 calories.)
Customer: *taking a drink* “At least you can make a decent shake.”
When One Door Closes, Another Door Shuts
EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, STUPID | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 6, 2009
(I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)
Customer: “Oh, no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”
Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”
Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”
Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”
Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine! There! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?”
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