A (Po)Lite Snack
MOVIE THEATER | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 5, 2012
(The theater I work at is cheap; the tickets are roughly half-price of the regular theaters. We get a lot of families, children and seniors, but have recently had a rash of extremely rude children. I’m working concession when a young boy—about 7 years old—comes up with his Mother. He takes a long time reviewing the menu and prices, so I ask him if I can help.)
Boy: “I need to buy snacks, please. I have $9.”
Me: “$9 is a great amount! Let’s see what we can get for you.”
Boy: “Hmmm. May I have a water, please?”
Me: “Of course, but if you’d like, I could sell you a cup instead. The water is $2.50; the cup is $0.25 and you can refill it as much as you’d like.”
(He agrees to get the ice cup, and starts counting his money on the counter.)
Boy: “Ma’am? Thank you for your suggestion about the cup!”
(Stunned that this small child is so polite and well-spoken, I turn around to see if his mom is coaching him. She’s not.)
Me: “You’re very welcome, young man! What else may I get for you?”
(The boy thinks a little at this point, looking at the candy case.)
Boy: “Every month I take my mom on a date. I already took her to dinner, then we got ice cream, and now I’m taking her to a movie! I need to make sure I treat her right!”
Me: “That’s so thoughtful! You are a wonderful son, and a very polite young man!”
Boy: “I love my mom. She’s the best!” *smiles*
(Moved by his thoughtfulness, his manners, and his absolutely charming smile, I decide to help him out a bit.)
Me: “Okay, here you are: your cup, a popcorn and a candy. It’ll be $3.25.”
Boy: *confused look* “Okay?”
(He hands me $4 after I assure him that his total is $3.25, so I start ringing him up.)
Boy: “Ma’am? Can you keep the change for yourself as a tip?”
(My heart melts at this. I did keep the change, but I put it toward the remaining $3.25 I hadn’t charged him, and then covered the rest out of my own pocket. He thanked me again and walked off hand-in-hand with his mom. All of the employees were tickled to see this little boy on his ‘date’ with Mom, and were very glad we were able help by paying for part of his concession but also get to let him feel like a grown-up by paying for part of his snacks. Later, as he’s leaving, I see him putting his trash into the can in the lobby. He sees me and begins to wave.)
If At First You Don’t Succeed, White Lie Again
EDITORS' CHOICE, TECH SUPPORT, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 28, 2009
(Note: I help callers with connection problems with our wireless zones along train lines.)
Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”
Caller: “I can’t access your network!”
Me: “I’m sorry about that. Let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”
Caller: “I’m traveling in between [City] and [Other City].”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”
Caller: “What can I do?”
Me: “Just wait until the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”
Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”
Me: “Sir, it’s four am, so I’m the only one working.”
(The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)
Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”
Caller: “F***!”
(Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)
Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”
Caller: “F***!”
(Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)
Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the Internet?”
Me: “If you just wait ten minutes sir, your Internet will work again.”
Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no Internet?”
Me: “That’s right, sir.”
Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have Internet?”
Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”
Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”
Me: “Um… Well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA, and they’re very busy these days.”
Why Nurses Should Rule The World
ADORABLE CHILDREN, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES | RIGHT | OCTOBER 29, 2012
(My five-year-old son has received a serious injury to his eye. After a pediatrician recommends us to an eye doctor, we are referred to a specialist that works out of a university two hours away from home.)
Nurse: “These are all the contact numbers you should need. I also went online for some directions, and called ahead to let them know it should only be a few hours.”
Son: “I don’t want to.”
Nurse: “What’s the matter?”
Son: *visibly getting upset* “I’m scared.”
Nurse: “But you’ve been so brave this whole time! How about this: if you go see the new doctor, I’ll give you my phone number and you can call me if you get too upset, okay?”
(The nurse writes down her work extension and cell phone number on a piece of paper and adds it to my paperwork, insisting that I feel free to call if I have any problems or questions. My son stays calm all the way to the university and through the appointment with the specialist until we’re told he’s going to need surgery. Crying and upset, he begs me to call the nurse from the clinic.)
Me: *on the phone* “I’m so sorry to bother you, I know you’re still working, but he’s really upset and asked to talk to you.”
(I put the phone on speakerphone so my son, crying on the exam table, can hear.)
Nurse: “Hey, buddy! What’s wrong?”
Son: *crying* “The doctor here wants to give me surgery!”
Nurse: “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’ll make your eye all better. You’ll be able to see again, like we talked about.”
Son: “But I’m scared! It’s going to hurt!”
Nurse: “Of course it’s not going to hurt. That nice doctor wouldn’t hurt you!”
Son: “Have you been given surgeries?”
Nurse: “Yeah, kiddo, a few.”
Son: “And you came back to life?”
Nurse: “Every single time.”
Son: “Promise?”
Nurse: “Swear.”
(My son has calmed down considerably throughout the conversation, and there’s not a dry eye in the room.)
Son: “Okay…”
Nurse: “See? I knew you were brave.”
Son: “Thank you! Love you!”
Nurse: *laughing* “Love you, too.”
(I thanked the nurse a thousand times, and she insisted I call her ASAP to let her know how the surgery went. Later that day, she texted us a picture of herself and her family with a ‘GET WELL SOON’ sign they made for my son!)
In Soviet Russia, Accent Speaks You
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, PIZZA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 14, 2009
(The phone rings.)
Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Pizza… Oh, f***, not again.”
(She hangs up. A few customers come and go, and the phone rings again.)
Cashier: “Hello, [Name] Piz— f*** this!”
Customer: “Hey, lady, problem with the phone?”
Cashier: “Some sicko keeps calling from a blocked number and making creepy comments.”
Customer: “Hang on. I gotta go find my friend.”
(He pays and leaves… and comes back with a 6’8″ NYPD police officer.)
Police Officer: *with a minor Russian accent* “I hear you’re having a problem with a caller?”
Customer: “No, no. Do the accent! Make it f***in’ scary!”
Police Officer: *in a deeper voice with a thick accent* “Excuse me. I hear you have problem with caller?”
(The cashier explains. The police officer orders a slice of pizza, and he and his friend sit and chat for a few minutes. Then the phone rings.)
Cashier: “It’s a blocked number!”
Police Officer: *on the phone, with the accent* “Hello… You are thinking my body is what? I am thinking your body probably very fragile. Very easy to— Oh, he hung up.”
(They stare at the phone a few minutes.)
Customer: “Problem solved?”
Cashier: *to the customer* “So… is your buddy there single?”
Police Officer: *in accent* “Boris have many women. All are love him!”
Customer: “You’re married and your name isn’t Boris!”
Police Officer: “Boris is name of accent. Has life of its own.”
Retail Defender, AntiCheapskate Edition
BAD BEHAVIOR, ELECTRONICS STORE, RETAIL, RUDE & RISQUE, USA | RIGHT | JULY 5, 2008
(I work in a large electronics retail chain. A guy asks me to find the latest version of Norton AntiVirus for him, which I do. He takes a look at the price and starts yelling about how outrageous it is ($100.00 US).)
Guy: “What the h***? How can you people get away with this? This is a scam!”
Me: “Sir, I can suggest another type of protection if this one is too expensive…”
Guy: “No way! This is the one I want, but I’m not paying this.”
Me: “Sir I–”
Guy: “I bet I can find it online for much cheaper. Heck, even free! ”
Me: “Sir, I think that–”
Guy: “That’s what I’ll do… I’ll find it for free online! Better than this s***!”
(A young woman nearby is listening and speaks up.)
Woman: “Yeah, you can find it online, for free.”
Guy: “Really, where? Tell me!”
Woman: “[A disturbing p*rn site that I would not recommend viewing].”
Guy: “Thanks!” *turns back to me, smirking* “Ha, guess I won’t be spending any money on this s***!”
Me, to the girl: “That… was awesome.”
Woman: “Well, an a**hole like that deserves it. I figured that you couldn’t tell him that without getting fired.”
(The young woman gets a free gift card; that guy never comes back. I still wonder what went through his mind when the site popped up.)
Flipping Out
CABLE COMPANY, EDITORS' CHOICE, GRANDPARENTS | RIGHT | DECEMBER 8, 2009
Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “We just moved my grandmother’s TV and I think the cable has been disconnected at the outlet where we moved it. Could you send someone to reconnect it?”
(Suddenly, the grandmother grabs the phone.)
Caller’s Grandmother: *yelling* “That is not what happened! The cable has been hooked to that outlet since the ’70s! You people just need to flip the little switch and turn it back on!”
(The grandson gets back on the phone.)
Caller: “I am so sorry. Please ignore her. I just need to set up an appointment for the technician to come out.”
Me: “No problem. My grandmother can be like that, too. I can have someone out on Tuesday.”
Caller’s Grandmother: *yelling in the background* “You are not listening! All they have to do is flip the switch! Don’t let them lie to you!”
Caller: “Grams, when you moved the TV back in the ’80s you had the cable disconnected from this outlet and reconnected at the other end.”
Caller’s Grandmother: “Now you’re lying! I’m going to make sure that I’m not here when they come out. This is ridiculous! Tell them not to come!”
Me: “Tell her that our switch is broken here and we have to manually come out and flip it in her home. We’ll be there Tuesday.”
(The grandson relays this information.)
Caller’s Grandmother: “Oh, okay, then. I’ll see them Tuesday.”
Computers Increase The Chance Of Identity Theft
DEPARTMENT STORE, EDITORS' CHOICE, USA, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 17, 2010
(A customer is requesting a refund on a computer.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I cannot give you a refund on your computer.”
Customer: “What?! Why the hell not?!”
Me: “You don’t have a receipt. It’s two years old, and long out of warranty.”
Customer: “I’ll have you know, I’m a lawyer, and I could sue you for everything you’ve got!”
Me: “We only have a 30-day refund policy. I’m sorry.”
Customer: “I’m an assistant attorney general, and I will have you reported! This is an outrage!”
Me: “Okay, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Customer: “Don’t you take that tone with me! I’m a board member of this chain, and you need to serve me!”
Me: “If there is nothing else, I’m going to have to ask you to remove your device and leave.”
Customer: “You can’t tell me to leave! I’m the owner’s nephew!”
Four Words: Bow, Chicka, Bow and Bow
EDITORS' CHOICE, ELECTRONICS STORE, RUDE & RISQUE, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 9, 2007
(Working as a manager for a retail electronics business, I have a customer come in with a DVD player in a box, opened.)
Customer: “This DVD player doesn’t work. It won’t play my DVDs. Can I get an exchange?”
Me: “Well, let’s see if we can get it to work.”
(I take the DVD player over to the AV wall and quickly hook it up to our system. It takes under 30 seconds to do so, the customer in tow.)
Me: “Oh, here’s the problem. It seems that the disc somehow ended up upside down in the DVD player.”
(I flip the DVD over without even looking at the disc or anything and push it back in, turning back to the customer.)
Customer: “Oh, great! I knew something wasn’t quite ri–”
(Suddenly, coming up on all my TVs, blaring through the sound system that is usually playing a music DVD, comes blasting ‘Bow Chicka-Bow Bow!’ and a rather grotesque scene of cheesy p*rn. I think it is the fastest I have ever moved, because by the time the first customer turned around to see what was going on, I had the AV cables yanked.)
Customer: “Uh… That’s where that went! Heh…” *VERY sheepish look*
Me: “Okay, all fixed. Need me to help put this back in the box for you?”
Customer: “No, thanks. I can do it. Thank you for all your help.”
(I guess I wasn’t quick enough or just the sheer recognition of the music line, because I had two customers laughing very hard and one old lady who walked out very fast.)
So Dumb It Hurts
EDITORS' CHOICE, PETS & ANIMALS, STUPID, USA, VET | RIGHT | AUGUST 11, 2008
(I work at a vet’s office and am giving a woman and her three children basic grooming information for their new puppy. The conversation has already been going on for an hour.)
Me: “…the groomers can do different ‘cuts’ or ‘styles’ for your dog, depending on how you want him to look.”
Customer: “Will that hurt?”
Me: “Will what hurt?”
Customer: “Cutting him. Will it hurt when you cut him?”
Me: “No… it’s not cutting HIM; it’s just cutting his fur.”
Customer: “Oh… but will that hurt?”
Me: “No… it’s hair.”
Customer: “Are you sure it won’t hurt when you cut it?”
Me: “It’s just like when you get your own hair cut. Does it hurt when you get your hair cut?”
Customer: *looks confused*
Me: “Okay… well, no, it won’t hurt.”
(I then go on to other aspects of grooming… clipping toenails, cleaning the ears, etc.)
Me: “…you can clean the puppy’s ears if they get dirty, or just whenever you give him a bath.”
(I go over the ear cleaning process.)
Customer: “Will it hurt? ”
Me: “No… he may not like it and may shake his head, but it shouldn’t hurt. Just make sure you don’t stick anything, like a Q-Tip, into his ear.”
Customer: “Okay, so how do I do that?”
(I go over the ear cleaning process again.)
Me: “…and again, just whenever you give him a bath…”
Customer: “Okay, how do I do that? ”
Me: “Well, there are several different shampoos you can use…”
Customer: “But how do I do that?”
Me: “You mean… how do you actually give him a bath?”
Customer: “Yes, how do I do that?”
Me: “Just like you’d bathe your kids… The puppy’s small, so you can bathe him in the sink, or in the bathtub…”
Customer: “But how do I bathe him?”
(At this point, I look at the woman’s three children and wonder how they’ve survived their mother.)
Me: “Umm… you put water on him… Err… You know, we have full-service grooming here. It includes a bath. We’ll do everything for you: cut his toenails, clean his ears, trim his hair…”
Customer: “But we don’t want to hurt him. Will a bath hurt?”
Thank You For Calling Planet Of The Apes
CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, TECH SUPPORT, USA | RIGHT | JULY 17, 2009
Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello?”
Customer: “Hey, Jon, check this out! The machine says hello back when I say hello!”
Me: “I’m not a machine, sir.”
Customer: “OH, MY GOD! IT’S ADDRESSING ME!”
Me: “No, sir, I’m not a machine!”
Customer: “Oh… So, you’re one of them human peoples?”
Stress About The Dress
BAD BEHAVIOR, EDITORS' CHOICE, INSTANT KARMA, RETAIL, USA, UTAH, WEDDING | RIGHT | OCTOBER 21, 2013
(I’m an overweight woman who has always struggled with weight due to a non-functioning thyroid. I struggle to find a store that caters to larger brides until I find this one, so I go to see what they have. There’s a large woman (probably about 5’5 and 350-380 pounds) on the stage in the center of the room having a fitting done. I’m browsing the catalogs when I hear an exchange between a daughter and her mother and the manager. The daughter is a thin girl who appears spoiled with how she talks. The daughter is staring at the larger woman on the stage, and leans in to her mother.)
Daughter: “I can’t believe someone like her is actually getting married!”
Mother: “I didn’t think whales mated for life!”
(The bride-to-be has clearly heard the comments, and is looking devastated. She takes a step away from the manager who is doing the fitting, but the manager stops her and walks up to the mother and daughter.)
Manager: “I can’t believe you think you’re going to get a dress from my store.”
Daughter: “Well, joke’s on you, then, because I’m actually here to pick it up! Besides, I’ve already paid.”
Manager: “Oh, you’re picking up your order? What’s the name?”
Mother: “It’s [Name].”
Manager: “All right…”
(The manager goes behind the counter, taps some things on the register, and then hands a receipt.)
Manager: “I need you to sign this.”
Mother: “What’s this?”
(The mother signs anyway.)
Manager: “That’s you signing that you have accepted a full refund for your purchase. You can find another store to get your dresses at. I just cancelled your order and am refusing you service. Now leave before I call the police.”
Daughter: “YOU CAN’T DO THIS! MY WEDDING IS IN NEXT WEEK! HOW DARE YOU!”
(The daughter starts throwing things around.)
Mother: “We had those dresses custom made! How could you cancel her order! Look at her!”
Manager: “I cancelled the order because I am not going to let any bride feel like she’s not worthy of marriage just because of her size. Clearly you both feel that you are better than others, and I have no place for clients that are, frankly, a**-holes. I’m calling the police, and since I still have your card information, I’m going to charge you for whatever damages your daughter causes.”
(The manager picked up the phone. The mother grabbed her daughter and they rushed out of the door. I ended up buying my dress from them, and it was BEAUTIFUL! Turned out the manager had a daughter who had a severe thyroid disease and had struggled with weight as well!)
Ironically, She Was Seeing Get Smart
AT THE CHECKOUT, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, MOVIE THEATER, ONE-LINER, SARCASM | RIGHT | APRIL 10, 2009
(I’m finishing a transaction with a customer at the movie theater.)
Me: “… and would you like to make a donation to [Charity] today?”
Customer: “Well, let me ask you something: do YOU donate to charity?”
Me: “Yes, of course. I donate to this one as well as several others.”
Customer: “Well, do YOU work for any charitable organizations?”
Coworker: “Actually she works with the mentally handicapped and developmentally disabled forty hours per week.”
*Sigh*, They Grow Up So Slow…
EDITORS' CHOICE, GAMES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, SPORTS | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 3, 2009
(A customer slams open the door to our indoor paintball field and storms in, shouting.)
Customer: “Where’s the manager?!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m the owner. What is the problem?”
Customer: “I saw on your web site that you require a parental consent for kids to play at your field. Well, I never signed one, and my son said he’d been playing paintball here. He has bumps and bruises all over him, and I NEVER signed a consent form!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. He must have forged your name or had another adult sign for him. What’s his name? I’ll find the consent form.”
Customer: “His name is [Son].”
(I find his form and show it to her.)
Me: “Is this your son’s form?”
Customer: “Yes! See, I never signed it!”
Me: “Ma’am, your son is 27 years old. Only children are required to have a parent’s signature to play.”
Customer: “But he is a child! He’s my child!”
Me: “I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. Only children under the age of 18 need to have a parent’s signature to play. Since your son is 27, he can sign for himself that he understands all of the risks involved.”
Customer: “This is insane! He could get his eye shot out, or be knocked out, or killed! This is illegal! I’m calling the police!”
DOMArry The One You Love
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JUNE 26, 2013
(A co-worker and I are out to lunch on the weekend with our boss. We’re all really good friends and we are chatting with each other when we notice one of the waiters, who is thin and short, getting harassed by a group of teens.)
Rude Teen #1 : “Haha, look at [waiter] f*** up like he always does!”
(The waiter is doing a good job ignoring the rude teens, but it’s very obvious he’s feeling upset. He’s walking towards us when one of the teens trips the waiter. He falls face first into the food he is carrying.)
Rude Teen #1 : *laughs hysterically* “Oops, don’t fall!”
(The waiter gets up and wipes his face off, but it’s very obvious that he is crying. Having been bullied myself for being gay and being appalled at what’s going on, I stand up and approach the table. Note, I’m 6’3″ and very strong. I stand in between the tables the kids are at and the waiter.)
Rude Teen #1 : “Yeah, f*** off! This kid is a f****t anyways!”
Me: “I suggest you stop right now, or else…” *I push up my sleeve and flex* “…you all and I are going to have a problem.”
(The two teens slink down into their seats, and I walk the waiter over to his co-workers.)
Me: *to the waiter* “Hey, if anybody ever tries to harass you or hurt you again, call this number. I know what’s like for being bullied because you’re gay. Just remember: I’m here to help you.”
(I give the waiter my phone number. He hugs me and starts crying on my shoulder. While he is, the manager of the store comes by, and I explain the situation to him and point out the two teenagers. After the whole ordeal is done, the manager and the waiter come over to our table and give me a $100 gift card for helping them out. I tell them they don’t have to reward me for being a decent human being, but they keep continuing to offer it. Later that night I get a phone call from that waiter, but it wasn’t about being bullied. Eleven months later, I’m now engaged to the waiter I protected that day.)
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3
BOOKS & READING, BOOKSTORE, FUNNY, OREGON, PRANKS, TEENAGERS, USA | RIGHT | MAY 20, 2011
Customer: “Hello, do you have any of the new Twilight books?”
Me: “Yes, they’re over here.”
(I lead her to where they would be, but we appear to be sold out. This is strange as all copies were put up this morning.)
Me: “That’s strange. We seem to be out of stock. Can I interest you in anything else?”
Customer: “Ugh, fine. What about this one?”
(They point towards ‘Harry Potter’.)
Me: “Oh, that’s a great book! It’s about a boy who becomes a wizard and-”
Customer: “Are there any werewolves?”
Me: “I think so. I haven’t read them in a while.”
(The customer grabs the entire series of ‘Harry Potter’ and leaves. As I’m about to return to my workstation, two teens run up to me, high-five each other, and tell me they hid all seventy copies of ‘Twilight’ in the ceiling when no one was looking. Although impressed, I have to report them to my manager. After doing so, my manager gives them each a $10 gift card.)
If There Is A God, He Obviously Owns A Dog
PET BOARDING/PET HOTEL, PETS & ANIMALS, SARCASM | RIGHT | APRIL 16, 2009
(Note: this takes place during the middle of a bad rainstorm.)
Customer: “Hi, I wanted to start bringing my dog here but I wanted to make sure that the animals get a lot of exercise.”
Me: “Oh, we just have them in rotations to run on a treadmill. You see, they help to generate power for our building. I think we have Sandy, a cute little chihuahua going right now.”
Customer: “You’re joking, right?”
Me: “Haha, yeah.”
(Moments later, my coworker comes in from the back.)
Coworker: “Hey, Sandy’s loose again. Have you seen the pop-up fence?”
(As if on cue, the storm knocks out power to the building right then and there.)
Customer: “Oh, my god! I’m calling Animal Services and reporting you all!”
Five Days Later
GUN STORE, PAWN SHOP, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | OCTOBER 27, 2009
(A customer in their 50s walks into my pawn shop, which sells weapons.)
Customer: “Yeah, can you get me that shotgun behind the table?”
Me: “Sure, do you have your license and registration?”
Customer: “Yeah, right here.”
Me: “Thank you, sir. There’s a five-day waiting period for firearms. Come back soon.”
(He looks disappointed, but forks over the cash and walks out. Five days later…)
Customer: “Okay, dude, I’m back. Where’s the gun?”
Me: “Right here, sir…
(I make the transaction and hand him his shotgun.)
Me: “Have a nice day and come back soon!”
(About one minute after the customer leaves the store, I hear several loud shotgun blasts. I look through the window and the man is firing rounds into the air! He then runs into the store.)
Customer: “The zombie invasion has begun! It’s every man for himself!”
(I hide under the desk and press the silent alarm. Five minutes later, the police arrive, taser the guy, and bring him out of our backroom in cuffs. I work at an ice cream store now.)
It’s What’s For Dinner
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, FAST FOOD, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 25, 2008
Coworker: Welcome to [Fast Food Burger Joint]. What’s your beef?
Customer: “I ain’t got a beef; you got the beef. What’s YOUR beef?”
Coworker: “I got the good beef. You want some beef?”
Customer: “Yes, I want some beef. You gonna bring it?”
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