Data Sent Packeting
TECH SUPPORT | RIGHT | JUNE 27, 2011
Student: “Hi, my computer has been acting up recently. I keep getting this blue screen.”
Me: “Sure, let me take a look.”
(I perform some simple diagnostics and determine that the hard drive is bad. It will die pretty soon.)
Me: “Looks like your hard drive is failing. Since you didn’t buy your computer through the school, we can’t fix it. I would suggest calling the manufacturer. Also, make sure you back up your data as soon as possible. There is no telling when it will die. There’s no way of retrieving the information later if it’s dead.”
Student: “Do you sell external hard drives here?”
Me: “No, but you can get one from these stores.”
(I hand the student a list of stores. Three months later, the student comes back to the help desk.)
Student: “Hi, so my computer turns on but the screen is blank.”
Me: “Looks like your hard drive is dead. You’ll have to replace it.”
Student: “So, can you get my data off the drive?”
Me: “No, we can’t. Did you back up your files?”
Student: “Oh, no I didn’t. I actually remember you telling me to get a back up drive a few months ago. So, can you get my files off the drive?”
Me: “The drive is dead, there’s nothing I can do.”
Student: “So, there’s no way of getting my files now? I can get my friend’s external drive and you could use that.”
Me: “That’s not how it works.”
Student: “Oh. I figured I could just wait until it died.
Medium Coffee, Large Gesture
COFFEE SHOP | WORKING | DECEMBER 22, 2013
(I’ve been made part time at work. Money is tight and I’m struggling a bit. I have $1.95 left in my purse.)
Me: “Hi. How much is a medium coffee with the tax? Is it less that $1.95?”
Barista: “It’s $1.84 with the tax.”
Me: “Great, I’d just have a medium then, please.”
(The barista starts to pour coffee into a medium cup, then stops.)
Barista: “You usually have large don’t you?”
Me: “Yes, but I don’t have enough money.”
Barista: “How much money do you have?”
Me: “$1.95.”
(The barista picks up a large cup. She pours the contents of the medium into the large, fills it and gives it to me.)
Barista: “Here you go!”
(It was such a little thing, but it made my whole day!)
Just Don’t Fail Him…
ARCADE | WORKING | MAY 26, 2014
(I’m a new hire, and in orientation for my job. After finishing paperwork, the manager is showing me how to clock in and out. He mentions getting my uniform.)
Manager: “You’ll have to talk to [Name] when you get here Sunday, but he’s kind of intimidating.”
Me: “So… is he built heavily? Or is it his personality?”
Manager: “No, it’s mostly his voice. He sounds like Darth Vader.”
Me: “That’s not intimidating.”
Manager: “Star Wars fan?”
Me: “Yup.”
Manager: “You two will get along fine. Now, for breaks…”
Cheated At His Own Game
ELEMENTARY/PRIMARY SCHOOL | LEARNING | SEPTEMBER 18, 2013
(I am in second grade, and currently taking a test. The desks in my classroom are positioned in twos with their fronts pressed together, so two students are always facing each other. The student sitting in front of me tries to whisper to me as the teacher makes her rounds.)
Student: “Psst… hey, [My Name]!”
(I glance up at him, confused, but don’t say anything.)
Student: “What’s the answer to number five?”
(I look startled that he’s asking me to cheat, shake my head, and continue to take my test.)
Student: “Psst! Hey… what’s the answer to number five? Tell me! Hurry before the teacher comes back!”
Me: “Shh!”
Student: “Come on! Just tell me, please. I really need the help. I didn’t do very good my last test, and I don’t want my mom to get mad at me.”
(When he says this, I feel bad for him, so I quickly tell him the answer and go back to my test. The teacher passes us, but doesn’t notice, and goes to the other side of the classroom again.)
Student: “Psst… hey, [My Name], what’s your phone number?”
Me: “…why?”
Student: “Just tell me!”
Me: “I’ll tell you after the test! Now shh!”
(At this, he nods, and continues taking his test. He doesn’t ask me for any more answers. When we’re finished later, and we’re doing normal work, he comes over to me, smiling mischievously.)
Student: “So, can I have your phone number?”
Me: “Uh… sure, I guess…”
(I grab a piece of paper and quickly jot down a random number, which is not my phone number, because for some reason I don’t really trust him. The number starts with 555, and is only six digits long.)
Me: “Here.”
Student: “Thanks! I’m going to call your mom later and tell her you cheated on that test we just took! Thanks a lot stupid!”
(Surprise surprise, my mom never got that phone call.)
Who’s The Boss, Part 2
BAKERY | WORKING | SEPTEMBER 10, 2012
(I’ve just started working at this bagel shop, and am making a breakfast wrap that I’d only just learned out how to make about 20 minutes prior. I carry it to the counter and started ringing the customer up when my boss walks up behind me.)
Boss: “What the f*** is that?”
Me: “I’m sorry?”
(He points to the wrap I’ve just made.)
Boss: “I said what. The f***. Is THAT?!”
Me: “Um, it’s the breakfast wrap?”
Boss: “How the f*** do you think this is wrapped correctly? Are you an idiot? Are you slooooooow or something?”
(At this point, my boss starts doing an offensive and horrible impression of a mentally disabled person.)
Boss: “Hurr dee durr, I’m too stupid to wrap a f***ing breakfast sandwich!”
(Keep in mind, the customer hasn’t paid yet and has watched the entire conversation. He is a regular and knows I am new.)
Customer: “Excuse me, but where do you get off talking to this young lady like that? It looks fine and is probably delicious. I don’t mind; she’ll get the hang of it.”
Boss: “Shut up, a**hole! You can’t tell me how to talk to my employees! If she’s a stupid c***, I’ll tell her. I can say anything I want to her. I pay her check!”
(My boss walks away, but I’m nearly hyperventilating from trying not to cry. I meekly take the customer’s money and give him his change and breakfast. He hands me a $5 tip and pats my hand.)
Customer: “It’s okay, honey. You’re doing a good job. Don’t let her get to you. I’ll take care of it.”
(This statement confused me, but I found out later what he meant by it. Apparently, the customer knew the District Manager quite well, and immediately called him up to complain about my boss. The next day, my boss was gone!)
Needs To Park That Attitude
RETAIL | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 13, 2015
(I work as a cart attendant. My store has a strip of red paired curb that is a fire lane in which no parking is allowed. I see a customer parked in this area.)
Me: “Sir, I’m very sorry but you can’t park here as this is a fire lane.”
Customer: “I’m not parked. I’m waiting for my wife to come out. I’m still in the car.”
Me: “Sir, even if you are still in the car, the car is not moving and is therefore parked.”
Customer: “The car is not parked! I’m still in it! So f*** off!”
Me: “Sir, what gear is your car in right now?”
Customer: “It’s in park, you moron!”
Me: “Then in that case the car is considered parked. Please move away from the fire lane or I will have your car towed.”
(The fuming customer finally moved, glaring at me as he did so.)
Eww, Fresh Food
FUNNY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, RESTAURANT, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 18, 2009
Server: “Um… one of our tables asked me to bring this salad back.”
Cook: “What’s wrong with it? It looks fine to me.”
Server: “He complained that the lettuce was too green in his Greek salad.”
Cook: “His lettuce was too green?”
Server: “Yeah.”
Cook: “I really don’t want to know what kind of lettuce that guy’s been eating…”
(In the end, we had to call our manager in to explain to this guy that our lettuce only comes in one color, green.)
Almost As Bad As The Large Hadron Collider
CRAZY REQUESTS, FAST FOOD, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 24, 2008
Customer: “Hey, what’s the deal with this cherry slushie?”
Me: “Sorry, sir?”
Customer: “It’s WHITE!”
Me: “Yes, sir…”
Customer: “Why isn’t it RED?!”
Me: “Sir, the watermelon flavor is red.”
Customer: “That’s sacrilegious!”
Me: “Sir, the color does not make a difference in the flavor.”
Customer: “You should be ashamed!”
Customer’s Wife: “Okay, let’s just let the man do his job, it’s not his fault for the color of the slushies.”
The Lost And Take Whatever I Want
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY, CRAZY REQUESTS, PHONE, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 7, 2008
Caller: “Hi, I lost my cellphone this weekend. I was wondering if you’d found it?”
Me: “Well, maybe. What does it look like?”
Caller: “It’s a black Nokia; orange on the sides.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but your phone is not here.”
Caller: “Oh. Well… can I come by and just, like, take another one?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Caller: “Well, you know, since I’ve lost my phone and all, and it’s not like the phones you have is anyone’s property…”
Me: “Ehm… well… how would you feel if I gave your phone away to someone else?”
Caller: *silence* “Well that would be kinda rude.”
Mix It Up A Very Very Little
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JULY 4, 2013
(I’m working at a take away counter at a corporate place that serves ‘Pan-Asian Cuisine’. A family comes in a couple days every week.)
Customer: “We want four of the sweet & sour with chicken and the steamed white rice. Make sure the chicken has no sauce, and no vegetables; we just want the plain chicken and rice. And four cokes, please.”
Me: “Would you like ketchup and fries with that?”
Customer: “Oh, do you have those?”
Me: “No, I was just kidding. This is an Asian restaurant.”
(After the meal, the father of the family comes back to me.)
Customer: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about it the whole meal, and I just didn’t understand the joke you made. I’m really good with knock-knock jokes, but I didn’t get it. Can you explain it to me?”
Me: “Sorry, I was just kidding because… well… I was just thinking it was funny you come to a restaurant that’s supposed to be spicy and exotic, but you always order the most extremely bland thing you can. It was kind of an American joke. And to be honest, I’m puzzled why you spend such a large amount eating out every week on only a few bowls of steamed white rice and chicken. You know, when I was really poor, I used to eat the same thing because you can get rice and chicken at the grocery store for less than twenty bucks a week. If I had that much money to spend on food, I’d be eating… well, something else. Mixing it up once in a while.”
Customer: “Hmmm. I guess you have a point.”
(I was wondering if I should have just kept my mouth shut, and hoping I didn’t lose their business. A few days later, the family comes in as usual, only they spend some time looking at the menu before they approach my counter.)
Customer: “Hi, we’d like to get four of the Thai coconut curry with chicken.”
Me: “No way, really?!”
Customer: “Yep. And we would like that with no sauce or vegetables, just steamed white rice.”
Me: “Oh. Why did you ask for the Thai instead of the Sweet & Sour plain like you usually do?”
Customer: “I thought about what you said and you’re right, we wanted to mix it up a little!”
High-Strung At Heart
TOY STORE | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 5, 2012
(I work in a toy store that sells a variety of products, aimed at all kinds and all ages. A teenage boy and his young brother come in, and are being quiet and behaving.)
Girly Voice: “I’M TIRRRREEED.”
(My back is turned to them, so I expect that they must have a young sister with them. Instead, I turn around to see a tall, pouting, blonde woman in 6-inch heels. Her boys call her “mum”, so it’s clear who she is.)
Mother: *flails arms and stamps her feet* “I’M BORED! I WANT TO SIT DOWN. MY FEET ARE TIRED! I’M HUNGRY. CAN WE GO NOW? HAVE YOU SPENT YOUR MONEY YET?! I’M GOING BECAUSE I’M BORED AND I’M TIRED—”
(I’m not the only one to notice her behavior; other customers are agog at this grown woman having a tantrum in a toy shop. While this is going on, an elderly woman at the till smiles at me sweetly.)
Elderly Woman: “Goodness, if that were my daughter, I’d give her a good slap!”
Quite Rightly, Waiting Impolitely Is Unsightly
CANADA, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, ONE-LINER, ONTARIO, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | APRIL 14, 2010
(The restaurant is very busy, so food wait time is longer than usual.)
Table #1 : “When is our food coming out? This is ridiculous; we’ve been waiting twenty minutes!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We are very busy right now, but I’ll be bringing out your food very shortly.”
Table #1 : “Well, I hope so! You’re the worst server we’ve ever had!”
Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Like I said, it’ll be out shortly.”
(I move to another table.)
Me: “I’m really sorry about the wait, I’ve checked on your food and it will be out shortly. I’m so sorry. I realize you’ve been waiting 40 minutes.”
Table #2 : “That’s not a problem at all… Don’t worry about it.”
Me: “I’d like to offer you your meals on the house, and thank you again for your patience.”
Table #1 : *overhearing* “How come WE don’t get our meals on the house?”
When Patience Is Paper Thin
RETAIL | RIGHT | JUNE 26, 2013
(A customer comes into the copy and print area while I’m helping another customer and her son. After ignoring my greeting, she goes over to the customer color-copy machines, and starts making copies.)
Customer: “Excuse me, but why am I being charged $0.49 a copy, when that sign says black and white are only $0.09?”
(The customer points to the sign over the black and white copy machines that advertise $0.09 a copy.)
Me: “You’re using the color machine, not a black and white. It’ll charge you $0.49 a copy when you use it.”
(I point to the sign above the color machine that states just that.)
Customer: “Well, can’t it see that I’m not copying color pages?”
Me: “No, it doesn’t have that sort of capability. It only knows that it is used for color copies, and charges accordingly.”
Customer: “Well why didn’t you stop me before I started making copies?!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but I didn’t know you only had black and white pages. I can return your money and help you on the black and white machine if you would like.”
(The customer hands me the credit card she used to make the copies, and I refund her money. As I start to walk towards the black and white she pushes past me.)
Customer: “I don’t need your God-d*** help. You did enough already!”
(I return to the other customer and her son, and continue talking about his school project that he needs printed and finished. Five minutes go by, and the older woman has a stack of approximately 250 papers in her hand. She walks up to me and interrupts my conversation with the other customers.)
Customer: “I need these cut.”
Me: “We charge $2 for every 500 pieces of paper cut, per cut.”
Customer: “$2! Just for a few pieces of paper to be cut?! You must be out of your d*** mind! I’ll do them myself!”
(I show her to the small hand-cutter. I show her how it works, using only a few sheets of paper at a time. Only five seconds after I turn away, she starts shouting again.)
Customer: “THIS. ISN’T. WORKING!”
(I turn around to find that she has stuffed a quarter of her stack of papers under the blade. Every time she tries to cut, she rips the papers.)
Me: “Ma’am, you’re only supposed to do a maximum of 10 sheets at a time, like I showed you.”
Customer: “I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WASTE DOING ONLY A FEW PAGES AT A TIME!”
(The other customer and her son, and other nearby customers and associates are now watching as this angry customer fumes at me.)
Me: “I offered to cut them for you, and it was too much money. I showed how to properly cut them using the hand cutter, and you didn’t follow what I said. I don’t understand what you want me to do.”
Customer: “I WANT YOU TO REFUND MY RUINED COPIES AND DO THEM OVER, YOU LITTLE B****! AND THEN I WANT YOU TO CUT THEM ALL FOR FREE! YOU’VE WASTED MY TIME, AND I’M NOT PUTTING UP WITH YOUR SNARKY ATTITUDE!”
Me: “I’m not going to do that. I showed you how to cut them, and you didn’t listen. I have every right to refuse, especially after treating me with disrespect.”
Customer: “I AM NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN!”
(The customer screams, grabs the ruined papers, and throws them into the air before storming off into another area of the store with her few good copies.)
Yukon Not Believe This Juan, Part 2
AIRPORT, GEOGRAPHY, MILITARY, STUPID, USA, VIRGINIA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 20, 2010
(Canadian Army Reservists go to Fort Pickett in Virginia to train with the National Guard. I am in the last flight out of the U.S. and back to Nova Scotia. I am in my uniform, waiting for to be processed through security when a fellow traveler approaches me.)
Traveler: “Thank you so much for protecting us! We are so proud of the bravery of soldiers defending the United States!”
Me: “Thank you, ma’am, but I’m not an American. I’m from the Canadian Army.”
(She looks confused, so I point to the small Canadian flag on my shoulder.)
Me: “You know, your friendly neighbours to the north?”
Harry Potter And The Deathly Embarrassments
MOVIES & TV | RIGHT | AUGUST 12, 2011
(I am the assistant manager at a movie theater. There is a showing of the latest Harry Potter movie that is completely sold out. A pair of teenage girls approaches me to ask for some help. A woman is refusing to let them sit down in the theater, and the movie is starting in about 5 minutes. I go with them and find that their seats are the last two in the theater. The woman in question has three kids, all who look to be younger than 12.)
Me: “Excuse me, miss, but could you let these two girls sit down? The movie will be starting soon and–”
Woman: “No. My kids can’t sit by strangers. They might get kidnapped or raped.”
Me: “I understand that you care about your children very much, but these two girls need to sit here.”
Woman: *raising voice* “I just told you, my kids can’t sit by strangers! What don’t you get about that?”
Me: “Ma’am–”
Woman: “I mean, look at them! That one’s wearing a rapist symbol on her shirt!”
(She points to one of the girls, who is wearing a shirt with her astrological sign on it.)
Me: “Ma’am, if you’re going to make a scene, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”
(The woman continues to raise her voice at me and insist that these girls cannot sit down here. The movie is already going to be delayed at this point, and the two girls are looking visibly upset. I go ahead and call for security. At this point, the woman realizes that she’s been beaten, so she makes one last stand.)
Woman: *standing up, at the top of her lungs* “Help! These girls are touching my kids!”
(Security comes and holds her in their office for the rest of the movie. Her kids got to stay for the movie. Afterwards, I run into her again.)
Woman: “I’m going to call the police on you! You let those girls touch my kids!”
You’ll Have To Connect At Baked Alaska
AIRPORT, FUNNY NAMES, LONDON, TRANSPORTATION, UK | RIGHT | OCTOBER 6, 2010
Me: “Hi, would you like to buy a ticket?”
Customer: “Yes, when is your next flight to Oregano?”
Me: “Oregano?”
Customer: “Yeah, it’s in America. I think it’s a state?”
(On my computer, I find the Wikipedia page for Oregano.)
This Query Is Not Remotely Cheery
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY, LIBRARY | LEARNING | APRIL 15, 2013
Student: “My professor wants me to use [Business Database] for my homework, but he said I have to use it in the library. I want to know how I can use it from home.”
Me: “Unfortunately, that database can only be used within the library at those two computers over there. They’re in use right now, so you should wait over there until one is available.”
Student: *rolls eyes* “No, you’re not listening. I want to use it from home.”
Me: “I understand it’s not as convenient, but we are not able to offer it outside of the library. You need to use it here, just like your professor said.”
Student: *speaking very slowly* “I do not want to use it in the library. I have Internet at home and I want to use this database from my home. Please show me how to log on from home to use this database.”
Me: “Let me see if I understand your question. You have to use [Business Database] for your homework. It is more convenient to do that from home, so you would like to use your library card to log on from home and use the database there. Is that your question?”
Student: “Finally! Yes, that’s it.”
Me: “We are able to do that with some databases, but not every database. The company that created that database has the right to restrict how and where we provide it to our users. They only allow us to have two dedicated computers with that database on it, and it must be used within the library. You cannot use it from home. We wish you could, but you can’t. Also, because there are only two computers available, there is sometimes a wait for them, so don’t leave your homework until the last minute as you might not be able to get on the computers right away. If you would like to wait over there by the dedicated terminals, I will come over and show you how to use it when it’s your turn.”
(There’s a long pause as all of this sinks in for the student. Suddenly, they yell back at me.)
Student: “Well, you don’t have to be such a b**** about it! God!” *storms off*
Meow-rons Give Im-purr-fect Advice
PET STORE | WORKING | MAY 24, 2012
(My cat has recently developed a rather unusual habit. The local pet shop has so-called “cat experts” on staff, so I got to talk to them to figure out if this habit is a problem.)
Me: “Hi, are you one of the cat experts?”
Employee: “Yes, ma’am! What can I do for you?”
Me: “So, my cat has been doing something kind of funny lately. I don’t really think it’s something that is that big a deal, but I want to make sure that it isn’t going to cause him any problems.”
Employee: “I’ll be the judge of that. What’s she doing?”
Me: “He. He has been burying spiders alive in his litter box. I’m thinking it’s harmless, but I have found poisonous spiders in the house. So, I’m a little concerned about him getting bitten because he eats them sometimes, too.”
Employee: “She what?”
Me: “He. My cat is a boy. He eats spiders. And sometimes buries them alive in his litter box.”
Employee: “You’ve got to stop her! She can’t do that. It’s for POOPIES!”
Me: “Right…he knows that’s what it’s for, that’s what he mostly uses it for. But when he catches spiders that he doesn’t eat, he buries them alive. I don’t think it’s a huge problem, I just want to make sure that it won’t create a health risk for him. I know it’s unlikely but since cat litter is designed to trap moisture I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to trap toxins from any potentially poisonous arachnids that could get into his system.”
Employee: “Cat litter traps moisture?”
Me: “Is there someone else I can talk to?”
Employee: “Look, whatever reason she’s doing this, you need to get your cat to stop. Spiders are GROSS anyway!”
(I ended up finding another employee to “help” me. Their suggestion? My cat needed to see a shrink.)
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