The Customer Is Damaged
RETAIL | RIGHT | JANUARY 31, 2015
(I notice that a customer has been hovering in the back corner of my store for a while, so I go see if she needs any help.)
Me: “Hi there! Can I help you at all today?”
Customer: “Oh, yes, I… Uh… Found this handbag. It’s… damaged and I want a… discount on it. It’s torn in this corner here… One moment…”
(As she is saying this, I see her trying to forcibly tear a corner of the handbag, which otherwise has no damage. It is already heavily reduced to 80% off, as it’s on clearance, and does not cost much at all. She is forcibly trying to tear it right in front of me with as much force as she can muster.)
Me: *snatches the bag from her* “Well, ma’am, if you forcibly tug on it, it will break, and there won’t be a further discount, and you will have to buy it. People who deliberately break stock are also not welcome back, I’m afraid.”
Customer: “Oh… Oh, well, then… Never mind.”
(She slowly and sadly walked out of the store, as if to see if I would change my mind and let her break it and give her a discount. I didn’t. I, thankfully, never saw her again.)
It’s Not Fine When You’re Out Of Line
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY | WORKING | JULY 11, 2012
(I happen to go to the same college as my fiancé. He and my best friend at school are both in wheelchairs. I am able-bodied, and am buying food in the cafeteria when this exchange happens.)
Cashier: “Your friend is quite a character!”
Me: “Which one?”
Cashier: “The one in the wheelchair.”
Me: “Which one?”
Cashier: “There’s more than one?”
Me: “Well, my best friend and my fiance are both in wheelchairs.”
Cashier: “Your fiancé is in a wheelchair?!”
Me: “Yes.”
Cashier: “Was he in an accident?”
Me: “No, he was born with a disability.”
Cashier: *long pause* “So, what do you think it is about you that makes you okay with that?!”
It Would Explain Canada’s Lack Of Sun
CANADA, GEOGRAPHY, ONTARIO, PHONE COMPANY, TECHNOLOGY, TORONTO | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 22, 2010
(I have just activated a new smart-phone for a customer. I am showing them how to set it up.)
Me: “…and that is how you would send a text message. Do you have any other questions?”
Customer: “The time is wrong on this phone.”
Me: “That’s because you haven’t selected the correct time zone. Here, I will show you the time setup.”
(I show the customer the list of time zones, and briefly leave her to answer another customer’s question.)
Customer: *impatiently* “Excuse me! Excuse me! This phone you have given me is broken!”
Me: “Broken? Why do you say that?”
Customer: “There is no ‘Canadian’ time zone! It keeps trying to put it on ‘Eastern’!”
Me: “Yes, that would be correct, it’s seven o’clock here.”
Customer: *indignantly* “We don’t live in the east! This is Canada!”
Past, Present, or Future, She Ain’t Graduating
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY, DATE, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, TIME, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 14, 2008
(A mother is worriedly telling me her daughter wants to graduate, but may be past the deadline to apply to do so.)
Mom: “She was planning to graduate early, instead of in the Spring! Now you’re telling me she can’t do that?”
Me: “Well, it’s October already, and there is a lot of preparation involved. She wanted to graduate in January ’09 instead of May?”
Mom: “No, she wants to graduate January ’08!”
Me: “… That’s in the past, ma’am.”
Mom: “Oh, fine! Well, whatever technical time you go by!”
This Employee Isn’t Par For The Course
RETAIL | RIGHT | MARCH 8, 2013
(I work at a store that sells clothing for casual wear and work wear. On random occasions, customers mistake our store for the sports store next door. On this day, an elderly lady is just such a customer, as she wants to find something we definitely don’t carry.)
Elderly Customer: *yelling at a male employee* “You d*** kids don’t know anything these days!”
Me: “Excuse me miss, can I help you?”
Elderly Customer: *whirls around, clearly angry* “You! You are too young, too! You won’t know what I’m looking for!”
Me: “If you would just tell me, I’m sure I can help you.”
Elderly customer: “I’m looking for a tam! Do you even know what a tam is?! You don’t! You’re too young!”
(I actually know what a tam is, because my grandfather golfs all the time.)
Me: “A tam is a slouched hat for men to wear while golfing. It has a small bill and a loose cap, and sits on your head like a French beret.”
(I’ve clearly surprised the customer, as she remains silent.)
Me: “Try the store next door, ma’am.”
(I calmly escort her out, all the while, my other coworkers stare. I had a bit of a tough time explaining it to my manager though. I never expected a tam to be something so few people knew of.)
This Is Why We Don’t Color Code People, Part 2
CELLPHONE STORE | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 4, 2012
(I work at a mall kiosk store for a major telecom company in Canada. One morning, two full-time employees and I are all at work. I’m white, but the other two are Iranian and Filipino. A customer comes in.)
Customer: “Are you available?”
Me: “I can be.”
Customer: “Oh, thank God! I don’t think that g***…” *gestures to my Filipino coworker* “…over there is smart enough to fix my problem.”
Me: “Excuse me?!”
Customer: “You know what I mean! Does that P*** even speak English?”
Me: “Sir, you can leave now.”
Customer: “EXCUSE ME?!”
Me: “Leave, sir. I need you to leave the area around my kiosk.”
Customer: “I want to speak with your manager.”
Me: “Very well, sir. Would you like to speak with the assistant manager, too?”
Customer: *nods*
(I wave over my Iranian and Filipino coworkers, who happen to be the managers.)
Filipino Coworker: “Hello, sir, what seems to be the problem?”
Sauce For The Saucy
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 2, 2012
(At our take-out counter, we frequently have people order online and pay by credit card before they arrive. Once in a while, someone forgets they still have to sign the receipt when they get there.)
Caller: “Yes, hello, I’d like to speak to a manager. I have a take-out complaint.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I work at take-out; what seems to be the problem?”
Caller: “I just came and picked up my order, and it isn’t right at all!”
Me: “Oh, yes. You came in just a moment ago, grabbed the bag on the counter, and left?”
Caller: “Yes, and I already paid for it.”
Me: “True, but that bag wasn’t yours. Sir, that bag was full of our spare packets of soy sauce.”
Caller: “Oh. I was wondering why you gave me so much of the stuff.”
The Power To End This Call
OFFICE | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 24, 2015
(After a expletive-laced tantrum on the phone about an issue I resolved, I’m still being screamed at by this jerk, for no reason. Finally I have had enough.)
Caller: “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO THE F*** I AM?!”
Me: “Sorry to interrupt your tirade, sir, but I just need to verify a few details.”
Caller: “Okay, what?!”
Me: “Your name is [Caller], you live at [Address], your phone number is [number], your wife’s phone number is [number], your birthdate is [date], you work at [Business,] your mother’s maiden name is [Name], and your social security number is [number], correct?”
Caller: “Yes.”
Me: “Do you know who I am?”
Caller: “…”
Me: “I’m the girl who makes eight bucks an hour to put up with the likes of you. I can ruin your life, and have another job making eight bucks an hour tomorrow. I suggest that you speak to me like a big boy. Now, is there anything else I can help you with, Mr. [social security number]?”
Caller: “No. I’m sure you are not allowed to tell people to f*** off, so I’m just gonna do it myself.”
Some Stupidity Needs To Be Caught On Montevideo
THEME PARK | RIGHT | AUGUST 14, 2013
(At the theme park I work at, our name tags have our hometown on them. Despite the fact that I have lived in Orlando since I was an infant, my name tag says I am from Uruguay, since that is where I was born.)
Guest: “It’s so terrible they make you work here.”
Me: “I actually quite enjoy my job. I like seeing people enjoy their vacations.”
Guest: “Yeah, but what about your vacation?”
Me: “My vacation?”
Guest: “They shouldn’t ruin your vacation by making you work.”
Me: “No, I think you misunderstand. I work here. I live in the area, and I go to school down the road. The park isn’t my vacation; it’s my job, and I enjoy it.”
Guest: “Oh, honey., do they tell you to lie? You’re from Uruguay; it would be stupid to commute all this way for a job.”
Call 911: We’ve Got A Serious Case Of Insensitivity
HOTEL | RIGHT | JULY 22, 2011
(I am a supervisor at a hotel in the Canadian Rockies. This particular day, I am on duty alone and on the phone with a caller when this takes place.)
Guest: *shouting* “Call 911 now!”
(I glance up from the phone call to see that a guest has collapsed in the lobby.)
Me, on the phone: “There is an emergency and I need to put you on hold.”
(I put him on hold to call 911. I alert the paramedics and begin first aid on the fallen guest. In the meantime, my boss goes behind the desk to assist other clients. He notices there is a call on hold and picks up.)
Boss: “Yes, sir. I understand, sir, however, there is a legitimate emergency taking place in the lobby as I speak which she had to attend to.”
Caller: *inaudible*
Boss: “Yes, I understand your time is important, as is your business, however, I am sure you can appreciate why she was called away so abruptly.”
Caller: *inaudible*
Boss: “That’s fine, sir, you can have your lawyer contact us if you deem it necessary.”
Attack Of The Killer Tomato Customers
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | JANUARY 7, 2013
(I am cashiering on the first express lane with one of our new hires on the second express lane. I’m cashing out a customer when I hear an outburst from the new girl’s line.)
Customer: “What are you doing?! Don’t touch my tomatoes! Leave them in the bag!”
New Cashier: *turns around, looks at me* “Help me, please?”
Me: *walks over* “Good afternoon, sir. How can I help you?”
Customer: “I bought these tomatoes, and she is taking them out of the bag and ringing them up separately! I want them rung up together!”
Me: “Well, sir, it looks like you bought 3 different tomato varieties.”
Customer: “So?”
Me: “Each variety is a different price per pound. To keep our inventory counts accurate, we have to weigh and ring these up separately.”
Customer: “I don’t want you touching my tomatoes!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it is store policy.”
Customer: “I want to see a manager!”
Me: “Sure.”
(I flag down a supervisor, who is female.)
Supervisor: “What can I do for you, sir?”
Customer: “No! I want to talk to a manager!”
Supervisor: “I assure you, I’m a manager.”
Customer: “No! A man!”
Supervisor: *sighs* “I’ll be right back.”
(She returns with the store manager, who is male. He walks off with the now-livid customer.)
New Cashier: “Did he really pitch a fit over tomatoes?”
Me: “Yep. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he got them for free now.”
New Cashier: “No way.”
(15 minutes later, the supervisor returns.)
Supervisor: “Well, [store manager] just gave our angry customer his tomatoes for free.”
She’s A Million Miles From Reality
CAR DEALERSHIP | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 18, 2015
(I’m sitting in the back seat as a kid test drives a car, deciding if it would be a good fit for him while he’s at college. His mother is in the passenger seat.)
Mother: “So, this car only has 6,000 miles on it?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am.”
Mother: “That seems low for a three-year-old car.”
Me: “I wasn’t here when they took this in trade, so I don’t know its story, but it is pretty low. That’s what makes it such a bargain!”
Mother: “How do we know the odometer hasn’t rolled over once?”
Me: “Um, it’s a six-digit odometer, ma’am.”
Mother: “So?! What does that have to do with anything?”
Kid: “Mom! Someone would have to drive it over a million miles!”
Me: *jokingly* “And if it’s got 1,006,000 miles on it and still running, you know it’s reliable at least!”
The Child May Get A Himself Complex
FUNNY NAMES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | MAY 15, 2009
(I am working at the registers as a lady walks in with a child in a stroller. One of the other employees walks up to her.)
Employee: “Aw, what a cute baby. What’s his name?”
Say Namaste To Namaskar
DAYCARE | WORKING | DECEMBER 15, 2013
(I work at a daycare run by an organization that originates from India. Most of my coworkers are international. I am in the office when the phone rings.)
Me: “[Daycare], this is [Name].”
Caller: “Hello, namaskar! Is [Boss’s Name] there?”
Me: “She’s not here right now. Can I give her a message?”
Caller: “Please have her call me back.”
(I write down the message. Later, my boss returns…)
Me: “[Boss’s name], Namaskar called for you.”
(My boss starts laughing, and at first I don’t know why.)
Get A Sign Pointing To The Sign
MOVIE THEATER | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 18, 2014
(When the ticket office is closed customers can buy tickets at the popcorn counter.)
Customer: “Where can I buy tickets?”
Me: “At the popcorn counter.”
Customer: “Well… you should have a sign saying so!”
Me: *pointing at a six-foot tall sign* “Do you mean like that one?”
Taste The Rainbow
CONVENIENCE STORE | RIGHT | OCTOBER 3, 2011
(Quality Street is a brand of chocolates here in the UK. They have launched a range of large size versions of their sweets, such as The Big Green Triangle and The Big Purple One.)
Customer: “Excuse me, but do you guys have big, purple ones?”
(My colleague and I, despite our best efforts, burst into giggles.)
Jurassic Lark
HISTORY, HOUSTON, MUSEUM, PETS & ANIMALS, TEXAS, TOURISTS/TRAVEL, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 1, 2010
Customer: “Excuse me, but are all of these things real?”
Me: “Sorry, are you talking about the artifacts on my cart? Some of these are replicas, because the real things are too breakable to touch.”
Customer: “No, I mean the exhibit.” *points to the dinosaur exhibit*
Me: “Dinosaurs did exist millions of years ago beginning in the Triassic Period, but about 65 million years ago the dinosaurs went extinct.”
Customer: “Are you sure? I thought the museum was making it up to attract visitors.”
Expanding The Borders Of Young Minds
MIDDLE SCHOOL | LEARNING | SEPTEMBER 6, 2013
(I’m an intern teacher and several years younger than many of the other teachers. I teach a mythology unit, I made a quick reference to Pandora’s box, and the game ‘Borderlands.’ A week later, a student approaches me.)
Student: “I like that you referenced Borderlands in class.”
Me: “I’m glad you liked it! The game had a lot of elements of the myth in it, didn’t it?”
Student: “But how did you know about it?”
Me: “I played through it when it first came out. Actually, I liked it so much that I just bought Borderlands 2.”
Student: *completely dumbfounded* “You… play games?”
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