Help Me Help You
BAD BEHAVIOR, CALIFORNIA, HOSPITAL, NURSES, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 3, 2020
I am in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. While I am there waiting for surgery, I overhear a conversation with a man being extremely loud and a nurse trying to tend to him.
Nurse: “Sir, I need to ask you to calm down so we can treat your injuries.”
Man: “No! I bet you gonna try and sew me up so you can pass it off to my insurance! I ain’t falling for that s***!”
Nurse: “Sir, I’m gonna ask you to please calm down so we can stop the bleeding and at least bandage you up!”
Man: “NO! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO STEAL MONEY FROM ME! I’M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR S***! SEND ME ANOTHER NURSE OR SOMETHING!”
Nurse: “Listen! I don’t have to deal with your attitude, but it’s my duty as a nurse to tend to injuries. Now either you can calm down and let me at least bandage you up and give you pain relievers and send you on your way, I can have security escort you out while we clean the mess you made, or I can send you to [Nearest Hospital, in another city] if you want to be rowdy as you are. What’s it gonna be?!”
I don’t hear anything for ten minutes, or I pass out from the painkillers, but I overhear the nurse and another nurse speaking after a while.
Nurse #1 : “I can’t believe he was that stubborn over a ‘paper’ cut on his arm.”
I’m guessing that is a code term for minor cuts and whatnot.
Nurse #2 : “Paper cut? That did not look like a paper cut!”
Nurse #1 : “Trust me; when you’ve had to file paperwork as much as I have in my time, you realize the difference between a ‘stab wound’ and a nasty paper cut.”
I have been thankful ever since for how kind the nurses were while I was in the hospital, after seeing what they put up with daily.
Apparently, Not Everyone Hates Needles?
HOSPITAL, LIARS/SCAMMERS, NON-DIALOGUE, USA, WEST VIRGINIA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 1, 2020
My coworker is working registration in the emergency department. A visitor for a patient comes in, and after my coworker checks with the nurse, she tells the gentleman to have a seat in the waiting room and she will get her as soon as he can go back.
Shortly after, a nurse comes out calling the names of a few patients ready to be seen.
She is busy helping a new patient check in when she believes she sees the gentleman sneak in with the group of patients.
She is busy and doesn’t have time to stop him and she figures staff will end up sending him back out.
After a few minutes, she has everyone checked in and a patient comes out of the waiting room enquiring how long until he can go back.
Once he tells her the name, she instantly recognizes it as one the nurse had just called. She looks up the name, and sure enough, it’s showing him roomed in the ED.
She quickly calls the nurse who is about to put an IV in the visitor’s arm.
Unlike sneaking to visit a patient like my coworker expected this guy would do, instead, he followed the nurse to the room pretending to be someone else.
I don’t know how he faked his way that far since all nurses ask for name and birthday confirmation before they do anything.
Security removed him quickly after they realized what was going on.
Which Hurts Worse? The Broken Bone Or Worker’s Comp?
BILLING, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, JERK, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 31, 2020
I fall down at work and badly injure my foot and ankle. I limp to the bathrooms and feel it; it’s puffing up quick. My supervisor comes over and asks what happened. I tell him; he facepalms and tells me to drive myself to the hospital and not to worry because I have worker’s compensation.
I do, but the adrenaline wears off. I can’t use my right foot because it’s too painful, so I have to use my left. Luckily, there’s no traffic because it’s very awkward and painful to drive. I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming. Once I get there, I park and hop to the lobby. My supporting leg buckles and I can’t go further.
I yell for help and the receptionist gives me a wheelchair. I check in and tell her it’s worker’s compensation and she says okay. I’m feeling quite sorry for myself, and then I hear sobbing. There’s an older woman whose foot looks black and rotted. I stop feeling so sorry for myself.
After a long wait, I’m taken to get x-rays, and after a longer wait after that, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: *Very cheerily* “Well! I looked over your x-rays and you have sprained your ankle and broken your foot!”
Me: “Oh, no! I’ve never broken anything. Will I need surgery?”
Doctor: *Big grin* “No, it’s just a foot! Ha! You can just use a boot!”
Me: “Oh, but I need it.”
Doctor: “Now, let me just wrap your foot!”
She grabs my poor, already black and blue foot, roughly.
Me: “Owwwwww!”
Doctor: “Oh, I’m sorry. Does it hurt?”
Yeah, it’s broken, duh.
She wrapped it up while humming and gave me a boot and crutches. Then, I was thrown out, and later, the hospital said I needed to pay. I told them again that it was worker’s compensation and they said okay. But they kept calling and sending letters every day, saying the worker’s compensation company wouldn’t answer their calls! They kept harassing me until I finally gave in. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have, but anyone who’s been harassed every day for years would go nuts. I still have pain in my foot.
More Like “Harmacist”
EMPLOYEES, NEW JERSEY, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 30, 2020
My boyfriend and I decide to have sex one night, so we grab a condom, but it breaks halfway through, and we don’t realize until we finish.
I decide to go to the pharmacy to get a morning-after pill. I don’t look particularly young. When I arrive at the pharmacy, the pharmacist comes right up to the counter.
Me: “Hi. Can I get the morning-after pill?”
Pharmacist: “Did you speak with your doctor?”
Me: “Um, no.”
Pharmacist: “You need to speak with your doctor, first, sweetheart. And I need your parents’ consent.”
Me: “Um, first of all, no, you don’t. Even if I was underage, you don’t need their consent. And I should get the pill if I ask for it right here; I shouldn’t have to speak to my doctor.”
Pharmacist: “Underage? How old are you?”
Me: “Twenty-four.”
The pharmacist looks surprised before consulting with another pharmacist. They both come over, the first pharmacist watching from behind the second pharmacist. The second pharmacist hands me the package with the pill.
Second Pharmacist: “Sorry about that. She’s never acted like that before. I’ll have a talk with her.”
That’s The Trouble With Affordable Healthcare
EMERGENCY ROOM, ENGLAND, HOSPITAL, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, LONDON, NURSES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, STUPID, UK | HEALTHY | AUGUST 28, 2020
I work in a hospital. A mother brings her daughter into the emergency room.
Nurse: “Hi there. Could you describe the nature of your medical needs?”
Mother: “My daughter stepped in dog poop and I’m afraid she might have an infection.”
Nurse: “Okay, does your daughter have any open wounds, blisters, warts, etc., near where she came into contact with the dog poop?”
Mother: “No.”
Nurse: “Did you wash her foot afterward with warm water and soap?”
Mother: “That’s disgusting! Why would I do that?”
Nurse: “To protect your daughter from infection?”
Mother: “No, I just threw it out.”
Nurse: “Wha…” *Lightbulb moment* “Was your daughter wearing shoes when she stepped in the poop?”
Mother: “Yes! Of course.”
Nurse: “So, you’re telling me that your daughter stepped into dog poop wearing shoes and socks, and she has no open wounds on her feet, and you are worried she has an infection?”
Mother: “Yes, of course, I’m worried.”
Nurse: “No offence, but this is an emergency room. It is very unlikely she got an infection, and since this is obviously a very low-priority case, you may be waiting here for up to six hours to see a doctor. I recommend you go home and make an appointment with your regular doctor in a couple of days’ time. If your daughter does take any severe turns, you can always bring her in or call an ambulance and she will be seen immediately.”
Mother: “Oh, no, you don’t! I want you to get my daughter to see a doctor as soon as you can!”
Nurse: “Very well. Please be aware that you could be waiting a very long time as we assign cases on a priority basis. Also please be aware that, whilst we make every effort to remove the risk of infection, this is a hospital and there is a chance that infected blood or bodily fluids may be present. Also be aware that, since this is a walk-in center, we do get a lot of homeless men and drug addicts coming in to get out of the rain.”
It is clear that the nurse is doing everything in her power to dissuade this mother from trying to see a doctor.
Mother: “Whatever. Those infections probably aren’t as bad as the ones you can get from dog poop.”
Nurse: “Actually, blood and bodily fluids might be contaminated with any number of infections, including HIV.”
Mother: “Oh, don’t be silly.”
The woman and her daughter moved on to the waiting room and were sat there for approximately four and a half hours. The woman was told by the doctor to do exactly what the nurse had advised and left looking overly smug.
Not Quite What They Meant By “Immaculate Conception”
EMERGENCY ROOM, HEALTH & BODY, LGBTQ, MINNESOTA, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 26, 2020
I’ve been in the ER enough to know that there is no avoiding the “you’re a woman; you must be pregnant” song and dance, despite the multiple variables that stand in the way of me personally conceiving. I’ve started having fun with my answers.
Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”
Me: “Nope.”
Nurse: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Positive. Unless… babe, did your lack of penis knock me up again?”
Wife: “I’ve gotta stop doing that.”
On another occasion:
Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”
Me: “I’m on a few different birth controls, so I really hope not.”
Nurse: “What method of birth control do you use?”
Me: “An IUD and lesbianism. I really hope that second one still works.”
On one memorable occasion, the nurse replied, “Girl, me, too!”
Listen Well To This Painful Lesson!
HEALTH & BODY, HOME, MISSOURI, NON-DIALOGUE, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 25, 2020
Have you ever wondered why your doctor tells you not to shove things in your ears?
I know all of the conventional wisdom: no Q-tips, cotton balls, hairpins, etc. However, that doesn’t mean my ears don’t get occasionally itchy, and sometimes, you just have to scratch.
One night, I was lying in my bed, and I felt the irresistible urge to scratch an itch inside my ear. So, I did what any reasonable adult would do. I slid my pinkie in my ear, twisted it, and pulled it out, quick as you like.
It should be noted that I have notoriously tiny ears — ridiculously so — and that I’m used to feeling a little suction when I scratch my ear with my pinkie.
But this time was different.
This time, when my pinkie caught suction, it caught hard — so hard it created a vacuum inside my ear canal.
When my pinkie made it out of my ear, there was a loud POP and such pain that I immediately started to cry. It felt like someone had jabbed a screwdriver into my ear.
Within two hours, the pain had partially subsided, but my ear was hot and leaking clear pus. Sounds were muffled, and I couldn’t hear my own voice in my skull on that side of my head. So, I once more did what any reasonable adult would do and tried to sleep it off.
Fight the inevitable as I might, when I woke up the next morning, I knew I had to go to urgent care. The hearing loss had grown profound, my head was tilting to the left, and everything was muffled and uncomfortable.
The doctor looked in my ear for less than two seconds and gave me the bad news I’d been dreading, along with $500 in antibiotics. Healthcare in America is a b**** if you’re on a state-funded plan, and I was on vacation 2,000 miles outside the area my insurance would cover. Yay, America!
And that’s how I ruptured my eardrum by scratching an itch with my pinkie.
A Close Shave To Get Those Teeth Clean
ASSISTED LIVING, AWESOME, CANADA, INSPIRATIONAL | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 10, 2020
It’s my first day working as a care assistant in a home for adults with learning difficulties. Every resident is treated as a member of the family. A more experienced colleague is showing me around.
Colleague: “This is John. He needs a lot of personal care, but he’s a great guy. He’s quite happy and easy to take care of.”
Later, we are putting him to bed and my colleague is demonstrating to me how to clean his teeth. John won’t open his mouth for the toothbrush.
Colleague: “He really doesn’t like the taste of toothpaste. We have to be patient.”
Two minutes later, he still hasn’t opened his mouth.
Colleague: “Would you switch on John’s shaver? It’s on the shelf there.”
Me: “Huh? We haven’t finished cleaning his teeth yet.”
Colleague: “Just switch it on and watch carefully.”
Confused, I switch it on. Then, I look at John to watch the reaction. He grins and opens his mouth wide. My colleague puts the toothbrush in and cleans his teeth without issue.
Colleague: “You see, he hates getting his teeth cleaned, but he loves getting shaved. The sound of the shaver is enough to distract him. Getting shaved is his reward for letting us clean his teeth.”
I was amazed that something so simple would work! Several months later, I enjoy working with him.
It’s An Emergency! But It Can Wait.
JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, NURSES, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 7, 2020
I have a concerning problem and decide to ask my insurance’s nurse advice hotline if I should go to the ER. This is what happens at the end of our conversation.
Nurse: “I definitely think you should call 911 and have an ambulance take you to the hospital. But before you do that, would you mind answering a few survey questions about my performance today?”
Me: *Incredulous pause* “No.”
I hung up, pretty shocked. I could not believe that she did that. An online survey later, sure. But in a situation urgent enough to call 911?
As for my medical issues, a new medication was causing serious complications. Reversing the medication, plus a few other things, solved it. I should be fine.
Attention-Seeking Isn’t Always A Bad Thing
CALIFORNIA, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 5, 2020
This happens when I am sixteen, almost seventeen. My mom is out of town on a business trip and I insist that I am fine to stay home while she is gone. I haven’t been feeling well for a few days, so I go in to see a doctor. My regular doctor isn’t in that day so they send me to see a different doctor.
The doctor comes in and starts to look over my medical history. While he’s doing so, we have the following conversation.
Doctor: “What seems to be the problem?”
Me: “My stomach really hurts and I haven’t been able to keep anything down for a few days. The pain keeps getting worse, and then I throw up and the pain gets better for a while, but then it gets bad again.”
Doctor: “Can you describe the pain and where it’s located?”
Me: “It’s sharp and right here.”
I point to the lower right part of my abdomen.
Doctor: “Uh-huh.” *Looks up from the computer* “Well, just get plenty of fluids and rest and you should be fine in a few days. Nothing to worry about.”
Me: “I really don’t feel good. It feels like something is wrong.”
Doctor: “Well, I can see from your medical records that you’ve been seeing a therapist for the past year and are on antidepressants. I’m putting in your file that you are having attention-seeking behavior. There is nothing wrong with you other than a stomach virus. I will follow up with your therapist.”
With that, he left the room.
I called my mom and told her that the doctor said it was just a stomach virus and that it should go away soon. My mom got home late the next day and checked on me. I still wasn’t feeling well and we made another appointment for me for the next day. I woke her up at two am because something felt wrong. The pain was gone but I couldn’t get warm. She took me to the ER; my appendix had ruptured. I ended up spending a week in the ICU with an infection and it took another month to fully recover.
Taking A Page Out Of Jean Milburn’s Book
EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, HOSPITAL, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RUDE & RISQUE, UK | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 4, 2020
My mother is a retired midwife. I was raised with a clear understanding of motherhood and everything it entails. As a ten-year-old boy, I would read her professional magazines. I could have an intelligent conversation about menopause or explain an epidural. Then, in my early teens, this happens.
Mum: “Hey, [My Name]. How are you? You won’t believe what happened last night. We had a model breast.”
Me: “A model— Wait, what?”
Mum: “We had some professional development training to do in breastfeeding, and they had a model breast for it.”
Me: “Er, model breast?”
Mum: “A model of a boob; it’s supposed to imitate a functioning boob. It came complete with a nipple that dispenses a liquid.”
Me: “Right… but almost all midwives are women. Aren’t there enough boobs in a maternity hospital for this to be obvious?”
Mum: “We all thought that, so we repurposed the training boob.”
Me: “I— Wait, what? A model boob was supplied to your colleagues for training and… Where is it now?”
Mum: “In the bathroom.”
Me: “Model breast in our bath… huh?”
Mum: “Since we didn’t need it, we reused it as a soap dispenser.”
Me: “I… What?”
Mum: “We obviously didn’t need it, so we might as well put it to good use. So, we glued it to the wall of the staff bathroom and added liquid soap. Press the nipple and soap comes out.”
Help Me Help You
BAD BEHAVIOR, CALIFORNIA, HOSPITAL, NURSES, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 3, 2020
I am in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. While I am there waiting for surgery, I overhear a conversation with a man being extremely loud and a nurse trying to tend to him.
Nurse: “Sir, I need to ask you to calm down so we can treat your injuries.”
Man: “No! I bet you gonna try and sew me up so you can pass it off to my insurance! I ain’t falling for that s***!”
Nurse: “Sir, I’m gonna ask you to please calm down so we can stop the bleeding and at least bandage you up!”
Man: “NO! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO STEAL MONEY FROM ME! I’M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR S***! SEND ME ANOTHER NURSE OR SOMETHING!”
Nurse: “Listen! I don’t have to deal with your attitude, but it’s my duty as a nurse to tend to injuries. Now either you can calm down and let me at least bandage you up and give you pain relievers and send you on your way, I can have security escort you out while we clean the mess you made, or I can send you to [Nearest Hospital, in another city] if you want to be rowdy as you are. What’s it gonna be?!”
I don’t hear anything for ten minutes, or I pass out from the painkillers, but I overhear the nurse and another nurse speaking after a while.
Nurse #1 : “I can’t believe he was that stubborn over a ‘paper’ cut on his arm.”
I’m guessing that is a code term for minor cuts and whatnot.
Nurse #2 : “Paper cut? That did not look like a paper cut!”
Nurse #1 : “Trust me; when you’ve had to file paperwork as much as I have in my time, you realize the difference between a ‘stab wound’ and a nasty paper cut.”
I have been thankful ever since for how kind the nurses were while I was in the hospital, after seeing what they put up with daily.
Apparently, Not Everyone Hates Needles?
HOSPITAL, LIARS/SCAMMERS, NON-DIALOGUE, USA, WEST VIRGINIA | HEALTHY | SEPTEMBER 1, 2020
My coworker is working registration in the emergency department. A visitor for a patient comes in, and after my coworker checks with the nurse, she tells the gentleman to have a seat in the waiting room and she will get her as soon as he can go back.
Shortly after, a nurse comes out calling the names of a few patients ready to be seen.
She is busy helping a new patient check in when she believes she sees the gentleman sneak in with the group of patients.
She is busy and doesn’t have time to stop him and she figures staff will end up sending him back out.
After a few minutes, she has everyone checked in and a patient comes out of the waiting room enquiring how long until he can go back.
Once he tells her the name, she instantly recognizes it as one the nurse had just called. She looks up the name, and sure enough, it’s showing him roomed in the ED.
She quickly calls the nurse who is about to put an IV in the visitor’s arm.
Unlike sneaking to visit a patient like my coworker expected this guy would do, instead, he followed the nurse to the room pretending to be someone else.
I don’t know how he faked his way that far since all nurses ask for name and birthday confirmation before they do anything.
Security removed him quickly after they realized what was going on.
Which Hurts Worse? The Broken Bone Or Worker’s Comp?
BILLING, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, JERK, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 31, 2020
I fall down at work and badly injure my foot and ankle. I limp to the bathrooms and feel it; it’s puffing up quick. My supervisor comes over and asks what happened. I tell him; he facepalms and tells me to drive myself to the hospital and not to worry because I have worker’s compensation.
I do, but the adrenaline wears off. I can’t use my right foot because it’s too painful, so I have to use my left. Luckily, there’s no traffic because it’s very awkward and painful to drive. I have to bite my tongue to keep from screaming. Once I get there, I park and hop to the lobby. My supporting leg buckles and I can’t go further.
I yell for help and the receptionist gives me a wheelchair. I check in and tell her it’s worker’s compensation and she says okay. I’m feeling quite sorry for myself, and then I hear sobbing. There’s an older woman whose foot looks black and rotted. I stop feeling so sorry for myself.
After a long wait, I’m taken to get x-rays, and after a longer wait after that, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: *Very cheerily* “Well! I looked over your x-rays and you have sprained your ankle and broken your foot!”
Me: “Oh, no! I’ve never broken anything. Will I need surgery?”
Doctor: *Big grin* “No, it’s just a foot! Ha! You can just use a boot!”
Me: “Oh, but I need it.”
Doctor: “Now, let me just wrap your foot!”
She grabs my poor, already black and blue foot, roughly.
Me: “Owwwwww!”
Doctor: “Oh, I’m sorry. Does it hurt?”
Yeah, it’s broken, duh.
She wrapped it up while humming and gave me a boot and crutches. Then, I was thrown out, and later, the hospital said I needed to pay. I told them again that it was worker’s compensation and they said okay. But they kept calling and sending letters every day, saying the worker’s compensation company wouldn’t answer their calls! They kept harassing me until I finally gave in. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have, but anyone who’s been harassed every day for years would go nuts. I still have pain in my foot.
More Like “Harmacist”
EMPLOYEES, NEW JERSEY, PHARMACY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 30, 2020
My boyfriend and I decide to have sex one night, so we grab a condom, but it breaks halfway through, and we don’t realize until we finish.
I decide to go to the pharmacy to get a morning-after pill. I don’t look particularly young. When I arrive at the pharmacy, the pharmacist comes right up to the counter.
Me: “Hi. Can I get the morning-after pill?”
Pharmacist: “Did you speak with your doctor?”
Me: “Um, no.”
Pharmacist: “You need to speak with your doctor, first, sweetheart. And I need your parents’ consent.”
Me: “Um, first of all, no, you don’t. Even if I was underage, you don’t need their consent. And I should get the pill if I ask for it right here; I shouldn’t have to speak to my doctor.”
Pharmacist: “Underage? How old are you?”
Me: “Twenty-four.”
The pharmacist looks surprised before consulting with another pharmacist. They both come over, the first pharmacist watching from behind the second pharmacist. The second pharmacist hands me the package with the pill.
Second Pharmacist: “Sorry about that. She’s never acted like that before. I’ll have a talk with her.”
That’s The Trouble With Affordable Healthcare
EMERGENCY ROOM, ENGLAND, HOSPITAL, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, LONDON, NURSES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, STUPID, UK | HEALTHY | AUGUST 28, 2020
I work in a hospital. A mother brings her daughter into the emergency room.
Nurse: “Hi there. Could you describe the nature of your medical needs?”
Mother: “My daughter stepped in dog poop and I’m afraid she might have an infection.”
Nurse: “Okay, does your daughter have any open wounds, blisters, warts, etc., near where she came into contact with the dog poop?”
Mother: “No.”
Nurse: “Did you wash her foot afterward with warm water and soap?”
Mother: “That’s disgusting! Why would I do that?”
Nurse: “To protect your daughter from infection?”
Mother: “No, I just threw it out.”
Nurse: “Wha…” *Lightbulb moment* “Was your daughter wearing shoes when she stepped in the poop?”
Mother: “Yes! Of course.”
Nurse: “So, you’re telling me that your daughter stepped into dog poop wearing shoes and socks, and she has no open wounds on her feet, and you are worried she has an infection?”
Mother: “Yes, of course, I’m worried.”
Nurse: “No offence, but this is an emergency room. It is very unlikely she got an infection, and since this is obviously a very low-priority case, you may be waiting here for up to six hours to see a doctor. I recommend you go home and make an appointment with your regular doctor in a couple of days’ time. If your daughter does take any severe turns, you can always bring her in or call an ambulance and she will be seen immediately.”
Mother: “Oh, no, you don’t! I want you to get my daughter to see a doctor as soon as you can!”
Nurse: “Very well. Please be aware that you could be waiting a very long time as we assign cases on a priority basis. Also please be aware that, whilst we make every effort to remove the risk of infection, this is a hospital and there is a chance that infected blood or bodily fluids may be present. Also be aware that, since this is a walk-in center, we do get a lot of homeless men and drug addicts coming in to get out of the rain.”
It is clear that the nurse is doing everything in her power to dissuade this mother from trying to see a doctor.
Mother: “Whatever. Those infections probably aren’t as bad as the ones you can get from dog poop.”
Nurse: “Actually, blood and bodily fluids might be contaminated with any number of infections, including HIV.”
Mother: “Oh, don’t be silly.”
The woman and her daughter moved on to the waiting room and were sat there for approximately four and a half hours. The woman was told by the doctor to do exactly what the nurse had advised and left looking overly smug.
Not Quite What They Meant By “Immaculate Conception”
EMERGENCY ROOM, HEALTH & BODY, LGBTQ, MINNESOTA, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 26, 2020
I’ve been in the ER enough to know that there is no avoiding the “you’re a woman; you must be pregnant” song and dance, despite the multiple variables that stand in the way of me personally conceiving. I’ve started having fun with my answers.
Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”
Me: “Nope.”
Nurse: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Positive. Unless… babe, did your lack of penis knock me up again?”
Wife: “I’ve gotta stop doing that.”
On another occasion:
Nurse: “Is there any chance you might be pregnant?”
Me: “I’m on a few different birth controls, so I really hope not.”
Nurse: “What method of birth control do you use?”
Me: “An IUD and lesbianism. I really hope that second one still works.”
On one memorable occasion, the nurse replied, “Girl, me, too!”
Listen Well To This Painful Lesson!
HEALTH & BODY, HOME, MISSOURI, NON-DIALOGUE, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 25, 2020
Have you ever wondered why your doctor tells you not to shove things in your ears?
I know all of the conventional wisdom: no Q-tips, cotton balls, hairpins, etc. However, that doesn’t mean my ears don’t get occasionally itchy, and sometimes, you just have to scratch.
One night, I was lying in my bed, and I felt the irresistible urge to scratch an itch inside my ear. So, I did what any reasonable adult would do. I slid my pinkie in my ear, twisted it, and pulled it out, quick as you like.
It should be noted that I have notoriously tiny ears — ridiculously so — and that I’m used to feeling a little suction when I scratch my ear with my pinkie.
But this time was different.
This time, when my pinkie caught suction, it caught hard — so hard it created a vacuum inside my ear canal.
When my pinkie made it out of my ear, there was a loud POP and such pain that I immediately started to cry. It felt like someone had jabbed a screwdriver into my ear.
Within two hours, the pain had partially subsided, but my ear was hot and leaking clear pus. Sounds were muffled, and I couldn’t hear my own voice in my skull on that side of my head. So, I once more did what any reasonable adult would do and tried to sleep it off.
Fight the inevitable as I might, when I woke up the next morning, I knew I had to go to urgent care. The hearing loss had grown profound, my head was tilting to the left, and everything was muffled and uncomfortable.
The doctor looked in my ear for less than two seconds and gave me the bad news I’d been dreading, along with $500 in antibiotics. Healthcare in America is a b**** if you’re on a state-funded plan, and I was on vacation 2,000 miles outside the area my insurance would cover. Yay, America!
And that’s how I ruptured my eardrum by scratching an itch with my pinkie.
App-ly Your Brain To This Situation
AUSTRALIA, CURRENT EVENTS, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, STUPID | HEALTHY | AUGUST 24, 2020
I’m a receptionist checking in a patient.
Me: “Okay. Have you been tested for [widespread illness] in the last two weeks?”
Patient: “I have the app.”
I patiently waited for an answer. The patient just stared at me.
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Make Sure You Stretch First
HEALTH & BODY, HOME, PENNSYLVANIA, SPOUSES & PARTNERS, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 23, 2020
I am old enough that I’ve gone through menopause. A few months ago, I had some bleeding, so my doctor wanted to do a biopsy. This was very uncomfortable, not because of the biopsy itself, but due to me having to be dilated. Having never had children, I’d never experienced the pain.
Today, I have a followup biopsy to make sure everything is still okay since the first one turned out okay.
I tell my husband that when I come home I’ll take one of my strong painkillers to help with the pain. The following exchange takes place.
Husband: “Why are you going to do that? They’re only taking a snip of tissue.”
Me: “It’s not the snip that hurts. It’s the dilation!”
The kicker is that he and his ex have two kids. It shouldn’t be a foreign concept to him!
But on the plus side, my mother-in-law who took me got me a pack of snack-size dark chocolate bars! That’s one of my favorite takeaways from “Harry Potter”: that chocolate makes everything better. And best of all, it’s scientifically proven.
This Patient Needs A Patience Refill
JERK, OREGON, PHARMACY, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 21, 2020
I’m at a drive-thru for my local pharmacy. There are two lanes: one for drop-off, one for pickup. I’m in the pickup lane when a lady pulls up to the drop-off lane. It’s currently Saturday afternoon.
Pharmacy Tech: “Good afternoon. Are you dropping off today?”
Lady: “Actually, I need to get a refill on a prescription. I’ve been unable to reach you guys by phone for a week and a half.”
Pharmacy Tech: “Okay, can I get your info?”
The information is passed and a minute or so passes.
Pharmacy Tech: “We do not have the prescription in stock, but we’ll have this filled for you by Monday afternoon.”
Lady: “I can’t wait that long! I need my prescription. Can you see if any other location has it?”
Pharmacy Tech: “Just a couple of minutes.”
A couple of minutes go by.
Pharmacy Tech: “The other pharmacies in this area also don’t have it; it’s not a common prescription. If you had called it in prior to now, we’d have it all ready for you.”
Lady: “This is unacceptable!”
Pharmacy Tech: “We didn’t know you needed a refill. We do have an automatic refill service.”
Lady: “I don’t like those automatic refill things.”
Pharmacy Tech: “If you needed the prescription today, you should have called it in a couple days ago, or you could have done it online.”
Lady: “I don’t have time for this. You should have my prescription ready. It’s not my fault I didn’t call for a refill.”
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