It’s Enough To Give You A Tick
BAD BEHAVIOR, DRY CLEANERS, HEALTH & BODY, OHIO, PARENTS, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 20, 2011
(A customer walks in with several trash bags full of clothes to be cleaned.)
Me: “Okay, sir. I’ll need to sort and count all these items before I can give you a price. Would you mind opening that bag while I work on this one?”
Customer: “Why would I do your job?”
Me: “Of course, sir.”
(The customer watches silently as I sort, count, and fold over forty items, including clothing, bedding, and towels. Essentially, I am touching his clothes with my bare hands for over twenty minutes.)
Me: “Okay, sir, your total comes to [price]. We’ll have them cleaned for you tomorrow after four.”
Customer: “You can’t clean them sooner?”
Me: “Is there a specific reason you need them sooner?”
Customer: “Yeah, my kids have head lice. That’s all their contaminated stuff. They won’t have anything to sleep on tonight.”
Life Is Stranger Than Non-Fiction
BOOKS & READING, BOOKSTORE, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, USA, VIRGINIA | RIGHT | MAY 20, 2011
(A customer approaches the information desk at a large chain bookstore.)
Me: “Hi. How can I help you?”
Customer: “I’m looking for the non-fiction section.”
Me: “Could you be more specific?”
Customer: “The non-fiction section.”
Me: “Well, the non-fiction section includes computers, travel, art, poetry, religion, health, biographies, beauty, and many other topics. It’s 60% of the store. Is there one area of non-fiction you are looking for?”
Some People Need To Stay At Arm’s Length
OUTDOORS/OUTSIDE | FRIENDLY | MARCH 3, 2014
(It is late at night, and we are going back to our car after a long night. There are six of us: five have been best friends since high school and the sixth person is a new friend of ours. I’m considered a bit of an oddball and can get on people’s nerves, which the new person has made quite clear. We also happen to be walking through a very bad part of town.)
New Friend: “Ugh… you are so annoying! You should consider yourself lucky that we don’t ditch you somewhere.”
Friend #1 : *to New Friend* “Dude, stop whining already. You’ve been at it all day.”
New Friend: “I’m just saying [My Name] needs to learn how to behave. I don’t know why you all keep him around.”
(At that moment a drunk stranger comes up and cops a feel of one of our female friends. The new friend, who is standing right next to her, backs away scared. I step up and grab the guy’s arm, lifting it up, with my best poker face.)
Me: “Ooh! I’ve been looking for an arm to add to my collection. Hope you don’t mind me taking yours!”
(The stranger freaks out and runs away. The new friend looks at me like I’m crazy.)
Friend #2 : “And that is why we hang out with him. You can sit in the back, [New Friend]!”
Way TooOOOOH Much Information
BIZARRE, GRANDPARENTS, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 23, 2009
(Someone had left a massager in my department, and a little boy of about four found it and began to experiment with it. He held it up to his dad’s back and pushed the button; when that elicited no reaction, he held it up to his grandmother’s pelvic area and pushed the button.)
Grandma: “OOOOOOOOH! It’s a vibrator! ”
Little Boy: *laughing* “Did it tickle?”
Grandma: “Yes, it tickled! But put it down before you break it and your daddy has to buy it.”
Little Boy: *skips out toward the main mall* “It’s a vibrator, a vibrator! I vibrated Granny!”
Keeping The Line Moving Is Moving
AWESOME, COLORADO, INSPIRATIONAL, RETAIL, USA | HOPELESS | MAY 20, 2018
(I am a manager at a popular discount store, known for being constantly understaffed and having ridiculously long lines. We also don’t have the nicest customers. I’ve had a lot of people quit for getting cussed and screamed at over things that were out of their control. It’s a Friday, and it’s already a s***show. Two cashiers called out, and another cashier had to leave in the middle of her shift for a family emergency, leaving one cashier and me to run the registers and get through a line of 50 to 60 people, and a fitting room attendant who is also swamped with people. A little old lady comes up to my register with two large and heavy dining sets.)
Old Woman: “I know it’s very busy, but do you think it would be possible to have someone bring these dishes to my car? I’m parked in the first row, so it’s not very far.”
(I bite my lip. Our shopping carts don’t go outside because they have a pole attached that stops them. Due to liability, employees aren’t allowed in the parking lot while on the clock, not even to help take purchases to a customer’s car. Not to mention, only three people are working in the store right now, so even if we could, one of us would have to hop off register to help, leaving only one cashier.)
Me: “Okay, ma’am… Unfortunately, we’re not allowed to step into the parking lot while on the clock. But if you would like to pull your car up to the curb, you can leave your cart here and I will watch it for you. One of us can hop off register and get it into your car for you.”
(The woman nods and accepts the help as-is. Then, a younger, male customer in line starts to push his way to the front of the line, abandoning his cart right in the middle.)
Male Customer: “Don’t worry about it, miss. I’ll help take her things to her car.”
Old Woman: “Oh, no, you don’t have to do that. You’ll lose your place in that line. I’m sure I can manage.”
Male Customer: “I’m in no hurry. I don’t mind waiting again.”
(The male customer turns to address the line.)
Male Customer: “Y’all can just push my cart out of the line; I’ll come back for it later.”
(His cart is bordered by a middle-aged couple and a woman with her kid in a car seat. They all shake their heads.)
Middle-Aged Couple: “We’ll push your cart through the line. We’ll save your spot.”
Male Customer: “Are you sure? You don’t have to do that.”
Mom Customer: “Don’t worry about it. We’ve got you!”
(I thank the customer profusely for helping the old woman out so that neither I, nor my cashier, have to sacrifice the current speed of the line. He gives me a big smile.)
Male Customer: “My mama would have my throat if I didn’t help someone in need. Y’all just keep doing what you’re doing; you’re doing a great job!”
(The guy picked up both of the dish sets at the same time and walked them to the old woman’s car. While he was gone, his shopping cart skipped the entire line to the front, so when he got back, he was next to checkout. Just shows that sometimes there are very good and nice people in this world!)
Hashpocalypse Now
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | MARCH 14, 2012
(I’m working the breakfast shift when a man comes in with his children who look about 5 or 6. He orders a large amount of food.)
Customer: “And can I get…four hash browns with that?”
Me: “Certainly.”
(I type in the total and show it to him.)
Customer: “What? $4.80? Are you kidding?”
Me: “That’s how much it is.”
Customer: “No way! That’s too expensive! I can’t justify that. Get rid of them!”
(I cancel the last item while the customer continues ranting.)
Customer: “It’s also the fact that they’re just hot oil! I can’t give my kids that poison!”
Me: “What?”
Customer: “This whole place is poison! All of it! You know the cancer charities you guys set up? Your food is causing the cancer that those kids are dying from!”
Me: “Uh…”
Customer: “You’re poisoning people! Poisoning my kids! Working here, you kill more people a year than smoking!”
Me: “Really?”
Customer: *mimicking me* “‘Really?’ Why don’t you do some bloody research before you start a job, girl?!”
Me: *speechless*
Customer: “This whole place is evil! You should have a freaking skull and crossbones out the front! I can’t justify buying hash browns and poisoning my kids!” *leaves with his kids and his food, minus the evil hash browns
Not Just For Kicks
EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, HISTORY, MOVIES & TV, NEW YORK, SCHOOL, STUPID, TEENAGERS, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 13, 2010
(I am an instructor at a Chinese martial arts school. An American teenager comes in.)
Boy: “So, do you teach all kinds of Chinese martial arts here?”
Me: “Yes, Courses are mainly in Chinese, but we can translate for you. There are quite a few Americans that learn here. What are you interested in?”
(He names several fake martial arts from novels made into television.)
Me: “Um… you’re joking, right?”
Boy: “Oh, do you not teach those?”
Me: “You’re serious?”
Boy: “Oh, yeah. I love watching them on TV and I want to learn it myself!”
Me: “You know they’re not real martial arts, right? It’s all made up in the stories.”
Boy: “You just don’t want to teach a foreigner, do you?”
Me: “No, it isn’t real. None of us here know them.”
Boy: “Oh, I’ll go somewhere else.”
Me: “No one can teach those. They’re fake.”
Boy: “Oh, I get it. You think it’s fake because you don’t know it yourself. I guess the manuals are lost and someone needs to find them. Don’t worry, I’ll be that person!”
(The boy leaves and comes back a minute later.)
Boy: “Hey, could I have a look at all your weapons?”
Me: “Why?”
Boy: “Maybe the manuals are hidden in them. At least please show me your swords and sabers. Just clash them together.”
(He’s referring to a plot in one of those novels.)
Me: *understanding that reference* “It was already recovered long ago in the Yuan dynasty, remember? They’re empty now.”
Boy: “Oh, sure. Now I’m going to find the new hiding place. Thanks for your time!”
This story is part of the Lunar New Year roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!
Popcon
ALBERTA, CALGARY, CANADA, LIARS/SCAMMERS, MOVIE THEATER, MOVIES & TV | RIGHT | OCTOBER 17, 2010
(A customer walks up holding a large red bag of popcorn to be refilled.)
Customer: “Hi, could I please get a refill?”
Me: “Did you buy this popcorn today?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Oh, that’s weird, because we stopped selling these popcorn bags a month ago. We have black bags now.”
Hugh Do You Think You Are
ARIZONA, BAD BEHAVIOR, CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 1, 2010
Me: *wrapping up the call* “Thank’s very much, Hugh! Was there anything else?”
Caller: “And what was your name? Oh, Emma, right.”
Me: “My name is Uma.”
Caller: “Yuma?”
Me: “Like Uma Thurman.”
Caller: “Oh, like the actress? Are you as pretty as she is? Do you look like her?”
Me: “No. Do you look like Hugh Grant? Or Hugh Jackman?”
A Heated Debate
UTILITY COMPANY | WORKING | MARCH 3, 2016
(I move into a new rental house early in January and call to get the electricity put into my name. The overall account is still under my landlord’s name, but the bill gets sent to me. All goes well until about two weeks after we all settle in, when there is a knock on the door.)
Me: “Hey, what can I do for you?”
Representative #1 : “I’m here to disconnect your electricity.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Representative #1 : “Your bill is overdue, and has been for 4 weeks now, so I’m here to shut your electric off.”
Me: “That can’t be right. Are you sure you have the right house? We just moved in two weeks ago and haven’t even gotten our first bill yet.”
Me: “Yes, that’s right, but I don’t understand how our bill can be overdue if we’ve not received one yet. We haven’t lived here a month and we can’t go without electric right now. It’s the middle of January. We’ll freeze!”
Representative #1 : “Well, what I can do is put a 24 hour hold on this property. Your electric will stay on for today, but they’ll send me out again tomorrow if your bill isn’t paid, and I can’t put a second hold on it again. The system won’t let me. Here’s the number to the office. Call them and see what the problem is.”
Me: *panicked* “Okay. Thank you very much.”
(I call the number and get put on hold for 30 minutes. When I finally get a representative, I explain the situation to her.)
Representative #2 : “Well, I’m really sorry to hear about that but it looks like the problem is that the electric bill is overdue by 4 weeks. The account is under [Previous Tenant]. Is that you?”
Me: “That’s not me. I don’t even know who that is. My name is [My Name] and my landlord is [Landlord]. Those should be the only two people on this account at all.”
Representative #2 : “Well, we have [Landlord], but not you. You’ll need to call your landlord then to get it straightened out. There’s nothing else we can do. The electricity will be shut off tomorrow. I can put in a request to have your electricity turned back on, but it will take about two weeks to process.”
Me: “You mean we’ll be completely without electricity for two weeks? In the middle of January?”
(At this point I’m near tears and shaking. We have two toddlers in the house that certainly can’t make it through two weeks without any heat whatsoever.)
Me: “You can’t be serious. I have two kids in the house. Can’t you talk to your manager to explain that whoever owes that bill is not me?”
Representative #2 : “Sorry. You’ll need to talk to your landlord. Can you go live with family for those two weeks?”
Me: “No, all of our family lives over an hour away and we both have multiple jobs to get to each day.”
Representative #2 : “I’m sorry to hear that. You’ll need to talk to your landlord then to get this sorted out, but there’s nothing I can do about the disconnect notice tomorrow.”
(I thank her and hang up to call my landlord. He explains that the other name on the account was the previous tenant who left in bad standing and must have not paid his bill on time. It is clearly no fault of mine and not my responsibility to pay. He calls the electric company and removes the old tenant’s name from the account and makes double sure mine is the new name, but they won’t let him pay the bill since he isn’t the previous tenant. He calls me back to explain this to me, and I call the electric company again. I hold for another 30 minutes.)
Me: *practically sobbing, I vomit out the story as quickly as possible*
Representative #3 : *calmly and sweetly* “Okay, first of all, don’t worry about your power. We will NOT turn it off. I don’t know why the other person told you that at all, but we certainly won’t turn the power off on you in weather like this. Second, I’m looking at your account and it says you called on [date two weeks ago] to put the electric in your name. You haven’t gotten a bill yet because we only send them out once a month, so I don’t know why anyone here would expect you to pay before your bill is due. Do you have a forwarding address for [Previous Tenant]?”
Me: “No…”
Representative #3 : “That’s no problem. We have his phone number so we’ll call and ask him to pay, and if he doesn’t it’ll get forwarded to collections. I’ve cancelled the disconnect order on your account and made a note just in case, explaining that you just moved in on [date two weeks ago] and your deposit has been paid. You’re all caught up with us, so you have nothing to worry about.”
Me: “Really?”
Representative #3 : *cheerily* “Really. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
Me: “Can… can I speak to your manager?”
Representative #3 : “Absolutely. Hold on one moment while I transfer you, and have a nice day.”
(I spoke to the supervisor to explain the whole story and that I had spent over three hours on the phone with various people, including the second rep, who told me there was nothing they could do about me being without electric for two weeks in the middle of winter, and how upset I had been when I called the third rep. I explained how wonderful and helpful the third rep had been and how much better she made me feel. The supervisor thanked me and assured me that she would look at the account history to figure out who the second rep was that had given me such incorrect information and sent me into a panic.)
Acts Of Kindness Can Be A Piece Of Pancake
AWESOME, HOTEL, INSPIRATIONAL, TURKEY | HOPELESS | OCTOBER 11, 2018
(I go to Turkey on holiday, and the hotel has a breakfast buffet that is the same every day, apart from one item that they cook while you wait. It is always the same elderly, smiley guy cooking. A few days in, he is frying up some amazing-looking pancakes, so I figure I’ll give it a shot. They are delicious. They are so good, in fact, that we go back for seconds, and he is very happy about it. The next day, he is cooking eggs. I’m not really a huge fan, so I don’t go and take any. The day after, there’s another egg dish, so, this happens
Me: *after grabbing some eggs for my dad* “Excuse me. You wouldn’t happen to be cooking pancakes again this week?”
Chef: “Yes, pancakes in two days! You like them?”
Me: “Yes, they’re amazing!”
Chef: “Thank you! You come and get in two days.”
(Two days later, pancakes! When I go back for seconds, he asks how long I am staying and where I am from. I say I am leaving for my home in Sweden the day after, and I think that is that. This happens the next day when I am getting food from the buffet.)
Chef: *sees me and motions me over* “Good! You wait here.”
Me: “Okay?”
(I watch him cook up eggs for a couple in front of me, and then he takes out a bowl of batter from under the counter.)
Chef: “You need good last day! Long travel, yes? I make pancakes just for you.”
Me: “Oh, my God! Thank you so much!”
(My dad, who is queuing behind me for an omelette, speaks up
Dad: “That is very kind of you; those look delicious.”
Chef: *smiles at me, but then points at my dad* “Pancakes are only for her; you like eggs.”
(My dad and I both thought this was so sweet of him. I have Asperger’s, and food was a huge worry for me for this trip, since I have trouble with a lot of textures. This man made a good week into an amazing one. My dad went back about a year later, and I asked him to say hi and thank you to that man if he saw him cooking again. He did, and the chef said I reminded him of his granddaughter, and he was happy I remembered him.)
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 4
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | OCTOBER 12, 2010
(Three women in their early twenties come in. I ring up the first two, but the third woman’s credit card is denied.)
Me: “I’m sorry, but your card had been denied.”
Customer: “No, that cant be! There’s no way! Try it again!”
(I swipe the card again, and it once more is denied.)
Me: “It still came up as declined. Do you have another card I could try?”
Customer: “No! This is stupid!”
(One of her friends lend her cash to pay for her meal. As they fill their drinks at the pop machine I overhear her talking.)
Customer: “That is so weird! My card was denied last week. Shouldn’t it be un-denied by now?”
The Cake Order Is A Lie
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JANUARY 19, 2015
(As in many establishments, whenever we answer the phone we always answer with the name of our store, and our location.)
Me: “[Restaurant], Hamilton. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Yeah, I ordered a cake from you guys and I’m supposed to pick it up tomorrow. I want some information changed with the writing on the cake.”
Me: “Okay, could you please give me your information so I can find your order sheet.”
(Customer proceeds to give me his information. We are an extremely small store and so any cake order is simply posted on a cork-board and easy to find. I cannot find his order and I start feeling anxious.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t seem to be able to locate your order sheet.”
(The customer starts getting very angry, calling us incompetent and that he specifically remembers placing this order, etc. I’m trying hard to keep it together because I am not used to people talking to me in the way this customer is. I try to see what I can do.)
Me: “Sir, if you wouldn’t mind calling me back in ten minutes, I’m going to look through the whole store to see if I can find your cake order.”
Customer: “You do that!”
(He hangs up. We have two freezers: one in the front of the store and one in the back. None of the cake orders match his description. I wait for his call back with a sinking feeling in my stomach. I answer the phone, again with the name of the store and location.)
Me: “[Restaurant], Hamilton. How can I help you?”
Customer: *angrily* “Well? Did you find it?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I couldn’t.”
Customer: “Well you’d better fix this because this is all your fault and you’re going to ruin my mother’s birthday and I’m coming in tomorrow and it better be done! I can’t believe this. Do you even understand how irresponsible you are? How would you feel if someone f***ed up your order?!”
Me: “I would be upset as well, sir. I understand your anger.”
Customer: *condescendingly* “Well, that’s real diplomatic of you, kid.”
(He gives me his order again, then hangs up the phone. I’m really upset now and shaky, and I should have done this before, but I page my manager. When she calls me back, I tearfully explain the whole situation and she’s thoroughly angry at this guy. She has me call the only two other locations we have to check if they have the cake order, which they didn’t.)
Manager: “Wait a minute. Just humour me and call [Famous Ice Cream Chain] and see if they have his cake order.”
(Dubiously, I call the store. Please note, the names of our stores sound NOTHING ALIKE.)
Other Store: “How can I help you?
Me: “Hi, I’m calling from [Restaurant]. I just got a call from angry customer about his cake order. Do you happen to have [Customer]’s cake order?”
Other Store: “Yup. We sure do!”
Me: “Oh, my god, I’m so mad. I’m going to call you back.”
(I hang up and then call my manager.)
Me: “He totally ordered the cake from the other store!
Manager: “I knew it! And you answered the phone with our store name, right?”
Me: “Of course. Twice!”
Manager: “Okay, this is what you’re going to do. Call the store back, tell them to make the changes, and tell them to add this note. ‘Dear, sir, we have made the necessary changes to the cake as you have requested, DESPITE the fact that you called the wrong store multiple times, and we’re extremely rude to an employee of [Restaurant]. You are never to call [Restaurant] and order a cake from us. Sincerely, [Restaurant].”
(I called the other store, explained the situation, and I dictated the note to them, which they wrote down gleefully. I never found out if they actually gave the note with the cake but we never got a call from him again. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he picked up his cake!)
Methinks Thou Hast A Stick Up Thine Arse
BAD BEHAVIOR, RETAIL, SARCASM, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 5, 2008
(I’ve worked in a convenience store and a computer shop, and I’ve got a little joke about credit cards and a disarming smile and laugh that people seem to enjoy…but this once…)
Customer: “Do you guys take credit cards?”
Me, smiling: “Sure do, but we don’t give ’em back.”
Customer: *very angry* “You’d god-d*** better give it back or I’ll have you arrested on the spot!”
The Pre-School Preemptive
CHICAGO, HIGH SCHOOL, ILLINOIS, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, USA | RIGHT | MAY 9, 2010
Me: “Hi, you’ve reached the office of admissions at [Private High School]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “I’m looking at schools for my daughter, and I was wondering if you could tell me some of the benefits of your school.”
(I discuss the benefits of being a student at my high school.)
Caller: “Are you a student here?”
Me: “Yes.”
Caller: “Do you see the programs changing in the next few years?”
Me: “How many years?”
Caller: “Well, my daughter is starting preschool in a month.”
Kill Them With Kindness
TECH SUPPORT, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | DECEMBER 27, 2007
Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. How can I help?”
Customer: *very irate* “Yeah! I didn’t pay my Internet bill and now it’s saying my account is suspended and I want to know why!”
Me: “Okay, you didn’t pay your bill, we suspended your account, and you would like to know why?”
Customer: “Yes! Why? Why did you suspend it?”
Me: “All right, let me take a look here… My system shows it suspended the account because you didn’t pay the last bill we sent.”
Customer: “I know I didn’t pay the bill! Have a little f****** sympathy here! Are you customer service?”
Me: “I’m tech support.”
Customer: “Where is customer service at?!”
Me: “Our billing department handles all our customer service issues. I’ll transfer you down to them.”
Customer: “You’re acting like a real a**hole; you know that? You need to have more empathy for people!”
Me: *in the most uppity happy-go-lucky voice ever conceived; I almost gagged from bringing so much joy up* “You have yourself a fabulously sunshine-filled day, sir!”
Misconceiving The Point, Part 2
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN | WORKING | FEBRUARY 2, 2014
(I am attending a ‘well woman’ clinic, and the nurse is running through the standard questions. I am married with a teenage daughter.)
Nurse: “What contraception are you using?”
Me: “None.”
Nurse: “None? Oh, are you not in a relationship?”
Me: “Um, yes. I’m married.”
Nurse: “Are you having intercourse?”
Me: “Yes.”
Nurse: “You really should think about contraception. You know you can get pregnant right up until menopause. Would you like me to set you up with some contraception?”
Me: “No, thanks.”
Nurse: “There is a huge upsurge in middle-aged women who have abortions because they fell pregnant near menopause. Abortion is really not a good choice of birth control. You really need to use contraception.”
Me: “Um, no. I don’t. Thank you.”
Nurse: “You know you could fall pregnant?”
Me: “Yes… and if I did, we’d be happy, thanks.”
Nurse: “Oh! Er… OK, then.”
(The nurse finished the exam pretty quickly after that!)
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