Husband And Strife
FAST FOOD | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 7, 2012
(A man walks in with his wife and starts ordering their food. She goes over to the soda machine to grab a drink, but the ice machine stops working. Frustrated, the wife starts slamming on the bar you push to get ice.)
Wife: “IT’S NOT WORKING!”
Me: “I’ll be right over. Sometimes it jams and you just have to hold down the handle for a bit.”
(I go over and hold down the handle for a good 30 seconds which is usually enough time for the ice to start coming out again, but it still doesn’t work.)
Me: “I’m really sorry about that. Usually there’s an additional charge for bottled drinks but you can have one for no extra cost if that’s okay.”
Wife: “Okay, thanks.”
(The wife goes to grab a drink but just stands there for a moment.)
Wife: “You know what? WHATS THE POINT OF GRABBING A G**D*** DRINK IF THERE’S NO G**D*** ICE?!”
Husband: “Baby, it’s fine. Just grab a bottled drink.”
Wife: “NO, IT REALLY ISN’T!” *throws cup on the ground and stomps out the door*
Me: “I’m so sorry… you can have a bottled drink for free at this point.”
Husband: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah, sure. I’m sorry about the ice.”
Husband: “No, no, don’t worry about it. She’s just a huge b****!”
Turning Down Is A Turn Off
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | JULY 3, 2013
Coworker: “Okay, sir… your order is—”
(I can hear a p*rnographic film being played in the background.)
Coworker: “Okay, I’m going say this and kindly, but bluntly: sir, I can’t hear you over your p*rnographic film. Can you turn it down a bit?”
Customer: “Wait, you can hear that?”
Coworker: “Yes, sir, it is quite loud. I’m attempting to give you your order number, but—”
Customer: “Oh…”
Coworker: “Yeah.”
Customer: “You like it?”
Coworker: “Uh… no, actually. If you can turn it down a little I’d be—”
Customer: “What?! Are you telling me to turn off my p*rn?!”
Coworker: “No, sir, I’m not. However, I’m having a hard time talking over the delivery guy with a medium sausage pizza. If you can turn it down a bit, I can give you your—”
Has Too Much Four-sight
CALL CENTER, PETS & ANIMALS, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | MAY 20, 2011
Me: “Thank you for calling [pet microchip database company]. How can I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, I already have a microchip registered with your company, but our dog received another chip. We were hoping we could link them so we can avoid additional charges.”
Me: “I can fix that. What’s the old and new chip numbers?”
(The customer reads off both numbers, but one doesn’t sound right.)
Me: “Sir, what are you reading that number from?”
Caller: “It’s on the dog tag they gave us today.”
Me: “You see, that number doesn’t sound like one of our chips. Give me just a second.”
(I talk to someone in another department, who thinks the number the customer gave starting with an F should instead start with a 4. I change the number, and the number clears as a new, non-registered chip.)
Me: “Okay. We took another look at the number, and we think the tag has a misprint. If we’re not mistaken, that number should start with a 4, not an F.”
Caller: “I totally read that 4 as an F.”
Customer’s Wife: *faintly over the line* “That’s what I told you!”
Me: “That’s alright. We’ve already taken care of linking the two chips. Either one will work to identify your dog. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Caller: “Do you have a number for a speech therapist? Or a kindergarten teacher?”
It Will Forever Be A Mister-ey
CALL CENTER | WORKING | OCTOBER 26, 2013
(A customer service agent is sending an email to another department for me. He is extremely slow and quite obviously an elderly man with poor hearing. My lunch break is almost over, so my patience is admittedly growing thin. I am a 31-year-old man.)
Agent: “Okay, so I am… writing him… an e-mail… for you. It says… ‘Ms. Smith called and—”
Me: “Mister.”
Agent: “Oh, uh, yes?”
Me: “Mister.”
Agent: “Yes, what can I do for you?”
Me: “No, it’s ‘Mister.'”
Agent: “Oh, you can just call me [Name].”
Me: “No, I’m not calling YOU ‘Mister.’ It’s ‘Mr. Smith.'”
Agent: “Right, ‘Ms. Smith called and’—”
Me: “No, it’s ‘MR. SMITH called,’ not ‘MS. SMITH called.'”
Agent: “Oh, I’m so sorry, Ms. Smith—I mean, Mr. Smith. Should I call you Mr. Smith?”
Me: “Just fix the e-mail please.”
Agent: “Okay so it goes ‘Ms. Smith called and’, oh wait, I should probably change that to Mr. Smith, shouldn’t I?”
A Father’s Love Is Very Console-ing
FUNNY, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, SCOTLAND, UK, VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | MAY 4, 2010
Customer: “Excuse me, could you give me some advice, please?”
Me: “Sure, how can I help?”
Customer: “I was looking to buy a Nintendo 360 for my son.”
Customer’s Son: “Dad! It’s an Xbox360!”
Customer: *to me* “This is how much help I need. Would you, please?”
A Father’s Love Is Very Console-ing
FUNNY, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, SCOTLAND, UK, VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | MAY 4, 2010
Customer: “Excuse me, could you give me some advice, please?”
Me: “Sure, how can I help?”
Customer: “I was looking to buy a Nintendo 360 for my son.”
Customer’s Son: “Dad! It’s an Xbox360!”
Customer: *to me* “This is how much help I need. Would you, please?”
Why Can’t You Be Omniscient?!
IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, TRAVEL AGENCY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 23, 2007
Customer: “Do other places besides Disney sell Disney tickets?”
Me: “I believe so, but I only have information about the tickets we sell.”
Customer: “How much do other places charge?”
Me: “I don’t have any information on other ticket resellers.”
Customer: “Is it cheaper if I buy tickets somewhere else?”
Me: “Sir, I don’t know anything about other places, only Disney.”
Customer: “Will they add the no expiration option for me?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Customer: “Can you give me names and contact information for other ticket places?”
Me: “Sir, I can only help you if you wish to purchase tickets directly from Disney.”
Customer: “I don’t understand why you’re being unhelpful!”
Drunk Punch Love
RETAIL | ROMANTIC | AUGUST 29, 2012
(I’m the assistant manager at a liquor store. One day, a customer with whom we’ve previously had problems comes in clearly intoxicated. She begins berating a new female employee, who refuses to sell the customer alcohol due to her drunkenness. Note that this new employee has been on the job only two days. The employee is getting scared and upset, so I step in.)
Me: *to the customer* “Hey, you know I can’t sell you anything when your like this.”
Drunken customer: “You can’t refuse me! I’ll kick your a**!”
(There is a line forming behind her. I calmly ask her to leave or I’ll call the police. Note: I’m 6’4″ 240 lbs. She starts swinging at me about five or six times, but lands only two very weak slaps on my face. I stand perfectly still and let her do it, knowing she is too drunk to do any harm to me. I turn to the customers
hanging back in line.)
Me: *to line of customers* “I would like to ask if you all saw her assault me, because I’m calling the police.”
(Fortunately, another regular of ours is a local police detective. He saw the whole thing as he was walking in from the parking lot, and immediately cuffs her and charges her with being drunk in public and assault.)
Me: *to the detective* “Glad you stopped in. I’m sick of dealing with that woman. Thanks. I owe you a six pack, on me!”
Detective: “Save it for tomorrow, and come over to my house for a barbecue I’m having…”
(When I get there the next day, the new employee who got berated by the drunk customer was there too. Turns out she was the detective’s niece, but I had no idea. Even better: she and I hit it off at that barbecue. We’re getting married next June!)
From Very Important To Very Impotent
CONVENIENCE STORE | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 6, 2012
(I am a customer in line at a convenience store. Customer #1 , the lady in front of me in line, is complaining loudly about everything, from the slow service (which wasn’t slow at all) to the way the young clerk is dressed. Finally, Customer #2 , the man in front of her, turns around.)
Customer #2 : “I’m sorry if I’m being forward, ma’am, but, may I ask your name?”
Stir, Yes, Sir!
BIZARRE, FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 17, 2009
Coworker: “Thank you for choosing [Fast Food Restaurant]. How can I help you?”
Not Quite The (Ice) Cream Of The Crop
RETAIL | RIGHT | JUNE 21, 2014
(I work in a very popular chocolate shop that also sells ice cream in the summer. It is a particularly busy, hot Saturday. I am serving ice cream. There was a huge line of customers. Suddenly, a customer strolls into the store, leaving her bicycle outside. Eventually, it is her turn.)
Customer: “Finally. I’ll have a hazelnut.”
Me: “Sure, a double or a single?”
Customer: “Double.”
Me: “Would you like it in a cone or a tub?”
Customer: “A bag.”
Me: “…Pardon?”
Customer: “A bag.”
(I look at her for a moment)
Me: “I’m sorry, Miss, but the ice cream only comes in a cone or a tub.”
Customer: “Well, I need it in a bag. Do you have a bag?”
(We put chocolate in small transparent bags, but they would definitely not fit an ice cream tub, also there are no lids on the tubs to cover the ice cream.)
Me: “It won’t fit in one of our bags, miss.”
Customer: “Yes, it will. Get one.”
(I protest again, but fetch her bag anyway. I present it to her and show her the size, to prove it won’t fit.)
Me: “See, Miss? It’s too small. The tub won’t fit in there.”
Customer: “Oh, honestly, how do you even have a job? Do you even have a brain?”
(I’m hurt by this comment, and am getting quite angry.)
Me: “Look, it won’t fit; I don’t know what you’d like me to do.”
Customer: “Let me do it, girl.”
(She proceeds to take the full-to-the-brim ice cream tub and squeeze it into the bag sideways, smearing her ice cream all down the sides. I stare at her in disbelief. Ice cream is dripping everywhere.)
Customer: “Was that so hard?”
Me: *still staring* “Would… you like a spoon?”
(She held out the open bag and I dropped in a small plastic spoon with the already nearly melted ice cream. She paid and left. I watched her outside the window as she put her bag of squished ice cream into the child-seat of her bicycle, STRAPPED UP THE SEAT BELT, and cycled away down the road. I stared in disbelief for the rest of the day.)
Skipped The Last Couple Commandments
HOME | FRIENDLY | FEBRUARY 20, 2014
(It’s Good Friday, which means that, traditionally, no faithful Christians are allowed to do even the slightest amount of labor, not even cook or wash their hair. I am on the balcony, hanging our laundry on the line to dry, when a neighbour sees me.)
Neighbour: “What do you think you’re doing?! It’s Good Friday!”
Me: “It’s okay. I’m not religious. I had to do some housework.”
Neighbour: “But how can you be so inconsiderate of us true believers? Have you no respect?”
Me: “So, whenever Muslims have a religious holiday, does your family also honour it out of respect?”
Neighbour: *clearly frustrated by the good point I made* “BURN IN HELL!”
Service With A Smile
SANDWICH SHOP | RIGHT | MAY 7, 2013
(My coworker, who is fairly new, has just finished helping a customer. The customer is approaching the counter again, and we assume for a moment that my coworker has made a mistake.)
Manager: “Is something wrong?”
Customer: “Oh, no!”
(The customer turns to the co-worker.)
Customer: “Can I just tell you that you did really nicely? You looked at me! You looked me in the eye, and you smiled! You were friendly. There is nothing more impersonal that staring down at the counter making the sandwich, then staring down at the change, and paying so little attention that it could have been a flea walking through that door. So I just wanted to let you know that you did that very nicely. Thank you for that.”
(I was smiling the whole way home that day! Not a lot of customers go to the trouble of coming back to tell an employee that they’ve done something well, especially something as simple as a smile and eye contact. If that customer happens to be reading this, thank you for making my day! You made my coworker’s day, too!)
A Heated Topic, Part 2
MOVIES & TV, NEW JERSEY, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, USA | RIGHT | JULY 19, 2010
(A woman and her two younger children go in to see a kid-friendly movie. Ten minutes later, the woman comes up to me.)
Customer: “Excuse me, but there is a preview on right now with a man on fire!”
Me: “A man on fire? Okay, that shouldn’t be the right preview.”
Customer: “This is ridiculous. I have kids in there!”
(I check the theater.)
Me: “Ma’am, this is a preview for Fantastic Four. The man on fire is a superhero. His special ability is that he can turn into a fireball and fly around.”
Customer: “I don’t care who it is; he shouldn’t be on fire!”
Drop(out) The Bomb
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 16, 2012
(I live in a small town; as such, little stories such as ‘so and so made this all star team’ or ‘this person went to a university’s honor band” frequently appear in the newspaper. During high school, I was part of the later group until I started university, where my name would continue to appear in the Dean’s List published at the end of each semester. At this moment, university has been out for a week, while the high schools are finishing up their school year.)
Customer: “Hey, why aren’t you in school?”
Me: “Beg pardon?”
Customer: “It’s 11:00 AM; not even the students with special privileges to work during school hours should be out yet! Why are you not at [School] and working here?”
Me: “Sir, I graduated a few years ago.”
Customer: “No, you didn’t! I just saw your name in the paper for some fancy list.”
Me: “Oh, you mean the Dean’s List? Yes, I’m happy that I got on it this semester. I was taking a full load of classes!”
Customer: “You shouldn’t be done yet! School doesn’t finish for another three weeks.”
Me: “Sir, I no longer attend [High School]. Instead, I—”
Customer: *shocked* “You dropped out?! After all those times you were in the paper for music and smart stuff? What in the world possessed you to do that?!”
Me: “I didn’t drop out sir. I just—”
Customer: “Where is your manager? I need to talk to him about hiring drop outs, even if they appear to be smarticle like you!”
(Yes, he did use the word ‘smarticle.’)
Me: *pulls university ID card out of pocket wallet* “Please read the date this was issued.”
Customer: “Summer 2010?”
Me: “Yes. Now, why would I have a university ID card?”
Customer: “Because you go to that university?”
(I wait.)
Customer: “Oh… yeah. That was the college list, wasn’t it?” *gathers up items, pays, and leaves*
Why You Never Stereo-Type
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | WORKING | NOVEMBER 7, 2012
(I have just gotten out of the hospital after being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. It’s a huge change for me as I now have to take insulin injections and watch what I eat. The cashier at the fast food restaurant is a girl in her late twenties.)
Cashier: “Hi, what can I get for you?”
Me: “Actually, can I see a menu with the nutrition information on it, please?”
Cashier: *rolls her eyes and sighs* “Here ya go…”
Me: “Thank you…okay, I’ll have a grilled chicken salad, please.”
Cashier: “And I suppose you want LIGHT dressing?”
Me: “Yes, please.”
Cashier: “And I SUPPOSE you want a DIET Coke?”
Me: “Yes, thank you.”
Cashier: “You teenage girls are all the same, doing crash diets and having self esteem issues. It’s getting old. ”
Me: “Wow… well, thanks for your concern, but I just got out of the hospital.” *show her my hospital bracelet* “I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and now take lots of injections and check my blood sugar when I eat. That means I have to eat the right amount of carbs.”
Cashier: *turns red* “Well, I didn’t mean you. But you know how teenage girls are!” *gives me my receipt and bolts to the kitchen*
Straight Eye On The Queer Guy
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY | ROMANTIC | JULY 13, 2012
(At University, I am dating a girl for about 6 months. However I realise after some deep thought that I am gay, so I decide to break up with her.)
Me: “Honey, we need to talk?”
Girlfriend: “Okay…”
Me: “There’s no easy way to say this, but, I’m gay!”
Girlfriend: “Okay.”
Me: *confused* “Erm…”
Girlfriend: “I knew you were gay 2 months ago. It’s pretty obvious. I didn’t say anything because you needed to figure it out on your own. Now, tell me what you think of these new shoes I bought?”
(We’re still best friends, and we make constant jokes about this when we’re out with our respective boyfriends.)
Was Gonna Say Stupid, But She Already Called It
FUNNY, NORTH CAROLINA, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 17, 2010
Caller: *sighs* “Well, I’m glad somebody decided to answer the phone over there. I’ve been trying to get through to you all day, but all I get is a busy signal!”
Me: “Ma’am, the phone has barely rung here all day. Are you sure you were calling the right number?”
Caller: “What? Of COURSE I was! I was calling the number on this here invoice you all sent me last week.”
Me: “I see. Do you mind reading the phone number to me?”
Caller: “It’s 704-366…oh. Now, wait a minute. That’s MY number. Well, no wonder I kept getting a busy signal. I’ve been calling myself all day long!”
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