Canada: America’s Hat, Part 2
BOOKSTORE, BOSTON, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, GEOGRAPHY, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MASSACHUSETTS, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | MARCH 22, 2010
Me: “Hi, can I help you?”
Customer: “You’ve got an accent.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ve heard that. I’m not from here.”
Customer: “You’re American?”
Me: “Yeah, I’m from upstate New York.”
Customer: “But American, right? You’ve got a visa? You need one to work here?”
Me: “No, I don’t have a visa–”
Customer: “Holy s***! You’re illegal? They know you’re illegal here?”
Me: “I’m not illegal. I’m from upstate New York, near Canada.”
Customer: “Oh, if you’re from Canada, you’re not really illegal then. Canada’s like America, just different. Welcome to our country. I’m looking for a book. You probably only read books in Canadian, but I can help you with the language and you can find me a book here.”
Canada: America’s Hat
AT THE CHECKOUT, BOSTON, GEOGRAPHY, MASSACHUSETTS, MONEY, MUSIC STORE, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 3, 2010
(The customer’s total is $9.67. She hands me a ten-dollar bill and three Canadian quarters.)
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t accept this change.”
Customer: “Why not? It’s 67 cents and I gave you 75.”
Me: “Right, but this is Canadian currency.”
Customer: “So? They’re still quarters.”
Me: “Right, but they’re Canadian Quarters. I can’t accept foreign currency.”
Customer: “Canada’s not foreign! It’s in America!”
When You’re Bean An A**-Hole
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JULY 13, 2016
(A customer walks in, cutting in front of a 35-person-long line.)
Customer: “I’ll take three soft tacos to go.”
Me: “Would you like any rice or beans on that?”
Customer: “Steak.”
Me: “Okay…. Rice or beans?”
Customer: “Steak and green salsa…”
Me: “Sir, do you want rice or beans on the tacos?”
Customer: “This is the third time I’ve told you. Steak and green salsa.”
(Another employee puts the steak and green salsa on while I help the next customer.)
Customer: *shoves the current customer out of the way* “Hey, you, where the hell are my rice and beans?”
Me: “Sir, I asked you three times if you wanted any and you ignored me and repeated ‘steak and green salsa’ each time. If you want to change your order then you can go to the back of the line that you cut in front of the first time and ask politely.”
Love Begets Life Begets A Love-life
HOSPITAL | ROMANTIC | JUNE 12, 2012
(At 17 years old I found out that it was a strong possibility that I wouldn’t be able to have children. So my life-long best friend decides he’d help me have a baby then, as it might not be possible later on. My best friend is handing me our newborn daughter just after giving birth.)
Me: “Isn’t she beautiful?”
Best friend: “Yeah she is, but look at her onesie!”
(I unwrap her blanket. Her onesie reads ‘Will you please marry my daddy?’)
Me: “Are you serious?”
Best friend: “I didn’t do this as a favor, I did this because I love you, and I’m ready to start an adventurous life with you and our girl! Marry me?”
(I said yes. We were married four weeks later, and have been married for five years. He was right, every day is an adventure and our baby daughter is the light of our lives!)
Caught Red Quartz Handed
CONVENTION, KIOSK | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2013
(I run a precious gems and minerals booth at a trade show. A customer walks up to me and does some looking around first.)
Customer: “Do you buy things?”
Me: “Sometimes. Is it minerals?”
Customer: “Sorta, yeah.”
(The customer takes out a palm sized velvet pouch.)
Customer: “I have a friend that cuts rocks and does things to them. I had him make me a set of ruby quartz flat gems and paint them with gold leaf. They’re kinda rare, and I was hoping to get $90 for them.”
Me: “That depends…”
(I hold out my hand for the bag. Instead he opens it, and pours out a couple of red glass, aka ‘fused quartz’ flat facet gems with runes on them in gold color paint. One has a chip in corner.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but these are in the trade wholesale catalogs in five colors, come with a booklet, and retail for $20. Without the book and damaged, best I could hope to get is $5, so that means I won’t pay you that much.”
Customer: “How dare you! Bad karma ON YOU! My friend spent TWO WEEKS cutting and carving these!”
(I spot another vendor across from me, talking to security.)
Vendor Across From Me: “Yeah, that’s the guy!”
Customer: *Oh, s***!”
(The customer took off, leaving the bag. Security got him before he got out the door. If he had gone all the way around my booth, he would have seen that I have full sets, in all five colors for sale, with the booklet, for less than $20. Bad karma indeed.)
Very Closed Minded
ELECTRONICS STORE | RIGHT | JANUARY 21, 2015
(I’m the idiot customer this time around. I needed to get some supplies for my computer, and thought the local store was open until 10 pm. It’s currently 8:55 pm when I enter.)
Security: “Oh, we’re getting ready to close.”
Me: “Huh? It’s 8:55.”
Security: “We close at 9. Hope you’re quick!”
Me: *starting to dash* “Watch me.”
(I make a mad dash through the otherwise empty store as fast as I can go, grabbing my three items and running to the register. Timestamp on the receipt: 8:59pm.)
Cashier: “You used to work retail, huh?”
Me: “Yup, and I would’ve kicked my own a** if I took too long!”
(The staff laughed and gave a brief cheer as I, the last customer of the evening, was out the door at nine on the nose.)
One Sells Cats, The Other Sells Cat-Suits
ADULT STORE, CALIFORNIA, RUDE & RISQUE, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 19, 2010
(I am the assistant manager at a store that specializes in adult videos and toys.)
Customer: “How did you end up here, anyway?”
Me: “What do you mean?”
Customer: “How did you end up working here?”
Me: “I applied?”
Customer: “No, I mean, what’s an innocent little girl like you doing working at a place like this?”
Me: “Well, you know how people who love animals work at pet stores?”
(The customer has a moment of realization and becomes clearly flustered.)
Barking Up The Wrong Culinary Tree
HIGH SCHOOL | LEARNING | AUGUST 4, 2014
(It is international week at my school, and several Chinese students are giving a slide show presentation about Chinese culture.)
Student: “And now we talk about the food!”
(The slide changes to a blank one with the heading ‘Food.’)
Student: *turns to look at the audience and smiles*
(The slide changes to a picture of a puppy.)
Audience: *screams*
Student: “It is a stereotype that Chinese people eat dog. That is not true. Most Chinese people would tell you, ‘that’s gross’. Chinese people would eat food like this…”
(He continued his presentation as if nothing was unusual.)
My Hypocrisy Ate Your Democracy
BIGOTRY, CALL CENTER, MONEY, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 23, 2008
(This is before same-sex marriage had been legalized.)
Me: “Thank you for calling the Benefits Center. How may I assist you today?”
Customer: “Hi. I am trying to enroll in my benefits for next year.”
Me: “Okay, how may I assist you?”
Customer: “I just got engaged and I want to add my fiancé to my insurance.”
Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to add your fiancé to your coverage until you get married.”
Customer: “So… those f****** f****ts can get benefits, but I can’t?”
Me: “Yes, sir, but you have the option to get married; they don’t.”
Customer: “Those f****** f****ts, f****** us over anyway they can!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have the option to get married; they do not. That is the only reason we offer health benefits to same-sex domestic partners.”
Customer: “What if I can’t get married? What are you going to do about that?”
Me: “Why can’t you get married?”
Customer: “Well, a**hole if you must ask… it’s because I am already married.”
Me: “Sir, I can assure you we don’t pay for infidelity.”
Acting Shifty About The Shift
RESTAURANT | WORKING | OCTOBER 29, 2013
(It’s a busy day, and my coworker calls in to say she will be unable to come in for her shift. This is the third time in two weeks she’s dropped a shift.)
Coworker: “I locked my keys in my car, and have no other way of getting to work, so I can’t come in today.”
Manager: “Did you call AMA?”
Coworker: “Yeah. They said they can’t come out today because my small town is too far. I called a towing company too, but I can’t afford their rates.”
Manager: “Huh. That’s weird. I guess I’ll start trying to find someone to cover your shift.”
(Instead of trying to get the shift covered, my manager calls AMA to confirm that they won’t come to my coworker’s town. It turns out they have a service centre located there, and would be willing to go unlock my coworker’s car. My manager calls the coworker back.)
Manager: “Hi. So I called AMA, and it turns out they’re located in your town. So they can come get your keys out of your car. Maybe I talked to a different person than you did. Anyways, I can call them back and have them come to you; I just need your address.”
Coworker: “I’m not comfortable giving you my address.”
Manager: “Okay… well, have the towing company come then. You can have them forward the bill to me, and I’ll pay it. I really need you at work right now because it’s busy.”
Coworker: “I’m not comfortable with you paying for that.”
Manager: “Well, then I’ll charge it to our store. They’d be okay with helping you get to work. We need you here.”
Coworker: “I’m not comfortable with that either.”
Manager: “Do you have anybody that could give you a ride in?”
Coworker: “No.”
Manager: “What if I call you a cab? I’ll pay for it now, and you can pay me back later.”
Coworker: “You’re being really pushy! I’m not comfortable with any of this!”
Manager: “I just offered you multiple suggestions for getting to work, all at no cost to you. At our store, employees do everything in their power to show up for shifts because it’s not fair to the other people working when you don’t. Now somebody will have to work overtime to cover your a**. I’m not going to ‘push’ you any further on this, but if you ditch another shift this month, you’re fired.”
(The coworker continued not coming in for her shifts, but quit before the manager had a chance to fire her.)
Living On The Edge, Part 2
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY, COMPUTER STORE, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | JULY 10, 2008
Me: “Thanks for your purchase. Would you please sign anywhere on the receipt?”
Customer: “Anywhere?”
Me: “Anywhere.”
Customer: “But there’s no line!”
Me: “That’s right; the printer doesn’t draw a line for this type of receipt, so just sign anywhere on the receipt.”
Cash Back, Government Style, Part 2
ENGLAND, GROCERY STORE, MONEY, STUPID, UK | RIGHT | DECEMBER 16, 2010
(We have a pay-point for customers who pay for their gas and electricity on a pay-as-you-go plan.)
Me: “Hi there, how can I help?”
(The customer pushes £20 note and a gas card into my hand.)
Customer: “I want £10 back.”
Me: “So you want £10 on the gas with £10 change?”
Customer: “No, I want £20 on the gas and £10 cash-back. You know, cash-back? Like from the till?
Me: “I’m afraid we only offer cash-back when you’re paying with a debit card.”
Customer: “I don’t have a debit card. Can’t you do it anyway?”
Me: “No. Cash-back is money taken from your debit account. Like it’s from an ATM.”
Customer: “I don’t understand.”
Me: “Well, you’re asking for £10 cash-back without paying for it from an account. You’re basically asking for me to give you free money.”
Not Even A Nugget Of Truth
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | OCTOBER 16, 2013
(I am the only manager at a fast-food restaurant on a night that is known for being slammed. We are short-staffed, so I’ve been picking up the slack in many different parts of the store. I am trying to bag the 50 orders on the boards when the phone rings and is quickly handed to me by my coworker.)
Coworker: “She needs to speak with a manager.”
Me: “This is the manager; how may I serve you?”
Customer: “Yes, I was in your drive-through earlier for lunch and I got the nugget meal. I drove all the way back to work and when I bit into my nugget red juice came out! I could tell they were all raw. Now I have to go ALL DAY without eating anything. I want my money back!”
Me: “Yes, ma’am, I am very sorry you had this experience and can understand why you’re upset. I will personally speak with our kitchen manager to ensure the proper procedures are being used and I will be more than happy to replace your entire meal with any meal on the menu.”
Customer: “No, I don’t want anything else. I want my money back. I drove all the way there because I wanted to eat your food but I can assure you that I will not be eating at your restaurant again. You can’t even cook the food properly. DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT GETTING PEOPLE SICK?”
Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that food safety is most important at our restaurant. I am unable to give you a cash refund without the food present. I can give you a gift card for the price of your meal, or I can replace your meal with any other meal on the menu.”
Customer: “I won’t accept another meal! Do whatever you need to do to get me my money back, or I’ll go to the city and they’ll get it back. As a matter of fact, you owe me reimbursement for the gas it took for me to drive there and back only to get this s*** food!”
(I get her information, and tell her I will have to leave a message for my supervisor, and that he would get back to her as soon as possible. She remains unsatisfied with my response and hangs up on me mid-sentence. First of all, every batch of nuggets is cooked at a specific temperature for a set time period every time they are cooked. Secondly, if there were some crazy incidents where the nuggets did not get cooked thoroughly then we should expect that more than one customer would have experienced this issue as well. Finally, with the increasing addition to her list of demands and very detailed story and threats, I have the suspicion that she may be trying to scam me. After the phone call ends, I text my supervisor.)
Me: “I told her I would speak to you and give you her information but she wants and cash refund and gas money.”
Supervisor: “If she brings me back a raw nugget I will be happy to refund her meal.”
Me: “She said she wouldn’t be back for days so I told her she probably shouldn’t keep them that long.”
Supervisor: “Of course! And paying for her gas? Total scam. Thank you for playing. Come again.”
Expressly Mannerless
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 17, 2015
(There are already four checkout lanes open at the store but the lines are still fairly long when the following happens
Loudspeaker: “Attention, customers. We have just opened the Express lane for customers with less than 10 items. Again, we have just opened the Express lane for customers with less than 10 items.”
(Several people, including myself move over to the new lane, however we are beaten by Customer who has a cart nearly overflowing with groceries.)
Me: “You know this lane is for 10 items or less, right?”
Customer: “How was I supposed to know that?”
Me: “Well, there’s the sign posted clearly right there, or, if you’re blind, she said it twice when she made the announcement that made you race over here.”
Customer: “Oh, well, I didn’t know” *starts putting groceries on belt*
(Because it’s still faster than moving back to one of the other lines I wait for her to finish.)
Cashier: *when customer has left* “I’m very sorry about that. We’re not allowed to turn anybody away, even if they don’t have any manners.”
Killing Two Types Of Bigot With One Stone
HARDWARE STORE | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 6, 2014
(I recently got married. Due to the nature of my job, I opted for a simple wedding band instead of one with a stone that could easily get caught on things while I am working.)
Customer: “Are you a lesbian?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “You have a man’s ring.”
Me: “Oh, no. My husband and I got matching bands. I didn’t want a stone because it could get in the way at work.”
Customer: “Husband? So you’re not a lesbian?”
Me: “No, I am not. Like I said, a simple band seemed more practical to me.”
Customer: “Well, you should get a girl’s ring! How do you expect people to know you’re not a lesbian with THAT on your finger?”
Trouble Brewing, Part 6
BAR | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 4, 2013
(A group of three customers enter the bar. They are wearing wristbands after attending a local MMA fight. The wristbands are supposed to be only for people of drinking age.)
Customer #1 : “Hey, can I get three rum and cokes?”
Me: “Sure, I just need to see everyone’s ID.”
Customer #2 : “Aw, s***, I don’t have my ID, man.”
Customer #1 : “Well, you shouldn’t have let the cops take your ID!”
Me: “Right, well if you don’t have your ID on you, I can’t serve you.”
Customer #2 : “But I got this wrist band at the fights. You can’t have one unless you’re old enough.”
Me: “Yeah, but if I can’t see your ID myself, it doesn’t do me much good.”
Customer #1 : “Well, hey is [Other Bartender] here tonight?”
Guess He Couldn’t Beat The Final Boss Beagle
GAMES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, USA, VIDEO GAME STORE, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | OCTOBER 19, 2008
Customer: “I need to return this game. It’s too hard for my son.”
Employee: “Well, miss, according to your reciept, you bought this new. So, all you can do is get another copy of the same thing if it’s defective.”
Customer: “Who the h*** are you? I’ve never seen you before!”
Employee: “I’ve been here for close to a year…”
Customer: “I’ve been coming here for a long time and I’ve never seen you!”
Employee: “Well, be that as it may, you cannot return the game. I’m sorry.”
Customer: “F*** you!”
Me: “Miss, I am the store manager here and what my associate is telling you is true; you cannot return the game and you need to leave. I will not tolerate you insulting my employees.”
Customer: “Make me leave! See what happens!”
Me: “Okay, I’ll just call security. Will that do it for you?”
Customer: “Call security! I’ll call the cops!”
Me: “Be my guest… That’d be awesome.”
Customer: “I’m the store manager of [Store] across the street and I’d never treat a customer this way!”
Me: “Would you break return policy just because someone is yelling?”
Wherefore Art Thou Passing Grade?
HIGH SCHOOL | LEARNING | JUNE 2, 2014
(I am in freshman English class reading ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ It’s the last class of the day and it’s a warm spring day, so no one wants to be there. There are only two girls in the class so some of the boys, myself included, get female parts from time to time. This day I am reading Lady Capulet. A boy reads his line in a very monotone and dry manner.)
Teacher: “Come on, guys. Tybalt was just murdered! There was a fight! Put some emotion into it!”
(The next boy reads his line also very monotone. At this my teacher just slumps into her seat in defeat. It’s now my turn to read Lady Capulet’s monologue accusing Romeo of killing Tybalt. I summon all the femininity, rage, and pain to my voice and deliver the speech, standing up in the middle of the speech, knocking over my chair, and then collapsing to the ground when I’m done. My teacher looks up with tears in her eyes.)
Teacher: “[My Name], you just got an ‘A’ for the rest of the year. Don’t even bother coming to class anymore.”
Misbehavior Reaches Critical Mass
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | OCTOBER 17, 2012
(My husband and I are sitting a few tables down from a family of six. All of the children are older, the youngest looking about 17, so I didn’t expect any problems until a priest walks in.)
Teenage daughter: “Hey [brothers’ names], look at the priest!”
Teenage daughter: “Oooh, you swore in front of a priest! You’re going to Hell!”
Son #1 : “You’re going to Hell for being a wh***.”
(The parents look mortified at their behavior. I am shocked, too, especially at a man in his early twenties calling his younger sister a wh***. After chastising them both, the parents go back to conversing with the older daughter until the other two start up again.)
Teenage daughter: “Hey, [other brother], I dare you to go ask for confession.”
Teenage daughter: *completely ignoring her mother’s warning* “You’re scared of a little priest? What’s he going to do? Send me to Hell?”
(Finally, it appears the priest has had enough, and stands up, approaching the table from the girl’s side.)
Priest: “First off, young lady, I have heard your mother tell you to be quiet several times. The fourth commandment says honor thy mother and thy father. You, my dear, obviously need some work on that. Secondly, if anyone needs confession at this table, it is you. Thirdly, the makeup doesn’t quite cover the hickey on your neck.”
(At this, the second son bursts out laughing, and the father profusely thanks the priest for reigning in his now speechless daughter. They ask the priest to join them and insist on paying for his meal. Besides that, on the way out, I hear the mother tell the daughter she’s grounded until she’s 30.)
A Thin And Crispy Argument
PIZZA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 13, 2015
(I am managing a very busy popular grab-and-go pizza place. The customer is the father of some former employees and his family; we always tend to give them a good deal on their food since two of his kids have worked at our location in the past. On this occasion they have received their food, with significant discount, when the father comes back into the store with a displeased look on his face.)
Customer: “Hey, [My Name], can you come over here?”
Me: “What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: *opens pizza box displaying the thin and crispy pizza they had ordered and steps back, arms crossed with a look of disgust*
(I look at the pizza and can see nothing wrong.)
Me: “I don’t understand.”
Customer: “You would eat this?!”
(I look again and see that the pizza has all the characteristics that we look for when making a thin crust, particularly the fact that it has cooked slightly longer than our classic crust pizza, to give it the crispy part of the ‘thin and crispy.’)
Me: “Of course! It looks delicious!”
(He looks at me dumbfounded.)
Customer: “No, this pizza is burnt!”
(Every time they have ever ordered this same pizza, it has always looked like this, but, trying to be nice I explain to him.)
Me: “Well, I will gladly make you a new pizza but this is how our thin crust pizzas come out of the oven. If you would like to have your pizzas lightly cooked, then we need to have that information before the order is made, so that we can have everything the way you would like it.”
Customer: *looks as if he is struggling to hold back anger* “I have never seen a pizza look like this and I have been to several [Pizza Chain]s in this area! I want my whole order redone!”
(At this point, I have a line forming behind him and I can see other customers begin to look annoyed at the extended wait.)
Me: *to the workers making the pizzas, with just a hint of incredulity* “Hey, I need [Customer]’s order redone! Make sure everything is lightly done and perfect for him before he leaves again.”
(He then storms out of the store, leaving his kids to wait for the food. After the rush has calmed down a bit, I and a coworker, the one who had cut the pizzas for him originally, are in the back of the store inspecting the pizzas he had the issue with.)
Coworker: “I can’t believe he would make such a fit about his food, in front of a lobby full of people, especially when he has had two kids work here in the past who have had to deal with rude customers like him!”
Me: *grabbing a slice of the thin crust and taking a bite* “Oh, well. I was hungry anyway!”
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