The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One
EDITORS' CHOICE, HISTORY, HOLIDAYS, HOTEL, TOURISTS/TRAVEL, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 4, 2009
Me: “Thank you for calling the [Hotel]. How may I direct your call?”
Customer: *in a British accent* “I need a room for tonight.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are booked.”
Customer: “Why?”
Me: “It’s the Fourth of July. We’re always booked on the Fourth.”
Customer: “I know the date! Why are you booked?”
Me: “Um, it’s July Fourth.”
Customer: “Listen, just give me a room!”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we are sold out. The entire town is sold out.”
Customer: “The entire town? Why?”
Me: “Sir, it’s the Fourth of July. Independence day.”
UK is OK
ALABAMA, BIGOTRY, EDITORS' CHOICE, RESTAURANT, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 11, 2013
(I’m British, white-skinned, blue/green-eyed, red-haired, Celtic. I’m studying in the U.S. and work at a restaurant part-time. It’s a small-ish town and most people there seem to be quite sweet and any comments on my accent have always been ones of surprise or complimentary.)
Me: “Good afternoon, sir and madam, are you ready to order?”
Customer #1 : *looks at her husband, confused* “What did she say?”
Customer #2 : “Must be a foreigner not bothering to learn English.” *slowly and loudly* “I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU. DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?”
Me: *slowly and loudly* “YES, I DO, SIR. I ASKED IF YOU WERE READY TO ORDER.”
Customer #2 : “Oh, this is ridiculous! She doesn’t speak a word of English! Tell you what, all these foreigners are coming into America, taking American jobs from real Americans!”
Customer #1 : “Let’s find one who can understand us!”
Me: “I can find someone else to take your order from you, if you’d prefer.”
Customer #1 : “She was screwing with us the whole time! This is unacceptable! We don’t come here to be made fools of!”
Customer #2 : “Stupid foreigners coming in stealing our jobs and screwing up the American way of life!”
Me: “If you’re worried about foreigners coming to America and stealing your livelihood and culture, you can take your complaints down to the nearest Native American reserve, where they will be more than happy to sympathise.”
Customer #2 : “How dare you?! You think you can come over here and disrespect the American people like that!”
Customer #1 : “We want the manager here now! I’ll have you fired and deported back to your own dirty country!”
Me: “I’ll fetch him now for you.”
Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”
(Customer #1 & #2 rant excessively at him for employing foreigners who don’t speak English and disrespect Americans.)
Manager: “Well, sorry to burst your bubble there, guys.” *gestures to me* “[My Name] here is from the United Kingdom and arguably speaks better English than all of us. And she’s a valued employee so if it comes down to a choice between your custom and her working here, I’m a have to choose her over you two. Now get out of here!”
(At this point, Customer #3 , an old man with a thick southern accent, beckons me over.)
Customer #3 : “On behalf of the United States Of America, I just wanna apologise for the way those two morons just treated you. I been a citizen here for 78 years, an’ I ain’t never let nobody tell me howta treat people. I served alongside a British guy in a the last war and I never had a problem wi’ him. Far from it.”
Me: “That’s so nice! Thank you!”
Customer #3 : “Woulda married him, too, if people like that wouldn’t make such a fuss about it.”
Some Callers Are Proper Dementor
BOOKS & READING, CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, GEEKS RULE | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 10, 2010
(I have a caller named Victor Krumm in the computer system. I’m a Harry Potter fan.)
Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re Victor Krumm?”
Caller: “Yep, that’s me.”
Me: “Sorry, this might sound funny, but did you know that there’s a book series called Harry Potter with a character with that name?”
(There’s a pause, as if he’s thinking, and suddenly he yells.)
Caller: “THE MUGGLES KNOW!”
(He hangs up. His wife calls a little while later to actually schedule.)
Ah, Children
ALBERTA, CALGARY, CANADA, CHILDREN, COFFEE SHOP, INSTANT KARMA | RIGHT | MARCH 22, 2011
(A customer approaches with her two-year-old son in arms, and her five-year-old daughter. As she is about to order, a customer from a few minutes earlier storms in front of her. She is yelling and screaming incoherently, and throws her drink on the counter.)
Daughter: *to her mother* “Mummy, why is the lady yelling?”
Mother: “Never mind it, she’s just being rude.”
(The little girl scowls, and points at the customer.)
Daughter: “You cut that out right now! You need to be more polite!”
(Taking the example from his sister, the toddler starts pointing and yelling.)
Toddler: “BAD! BAD!”
(The irate customer is embarrassed. She shuts up and storms out. The little girl gets a free hot chocolate.)
The Dark Chocolate Knight
ADORABLE CHILDREN, AWESOME, COFFEE SHOP, EDITORS' CHOICE, INSPIRATIONAL, USA, VIRGINIA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 12, 2009
(I work in a coffee shop. I am on break in the lobby when a couple walks in. Directly behind them is a cute little boy in Batman costume.)
Me: “Oh, my God! It’s BATMAN!”
(The boy stops, strikes a pose, and starts looking around menacingly. After a few seconds, he approaches the counter.)
Mother: “Jeff, would you like a chocolate milk?”
Boy: “I am not Jeff. I am The Batman.”
Mother: “The Batman, would you like a chocolate milk?”
Boy: “Yes. Yes, The Batman would.”
(The couple pays while the boy sits down with his chocolate milk. He keeps a stern look on his face as he sips the drink.)
Small Fish In A Small Pond
AIRPORT, EDITORS' CHOICE | RIGHT | JUNE 12, 2009
(I’m waiting to board a delayed flight with one of Europe’s cheapest and largest airlines.)
Hostess: “Welcome to flight [Number] from Malmö to Dublin. Those of you with seating numbers 1 through 35, please go to line one. Those of you with seating numbers 36 and up, please go to line two. If any of you are traveling with small children or checked in online, please go to the counter and you will be let on board before we start boarding the other passengers.”
(A group of businessmen, about 35-55 years old and in suits, walk to the counter and cut in front of a family with very young children.)
Hostess: “Well, I can see you didn’t check in online, so you’ll have to stand in line. The first line is for early seating numbers; the second line is for la–”
Businessman #1: “Oh, come on… Can’t you make an exception? We’re already standing here and all.”
Businessman #2: “You only have to board us and we’re done!”
Hostess: “No, you’ll have to wait in turn, just like everyone else. The lines start over there.”
Businessman #2: “But I always get to board the plane first!”
Hostess: “You’re not a family with children and you didn’t check in over the Internet, so you’ll have to stand in line.”
Businessman #2: *very angrily* “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”
Hostess: “No, but you can’t be that important if you’re traveling with us.”
Businessman #2: *quietly retreats to the back of the line with his buddies*
Needs To Press Paws
AWESOME, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, NORTH CAROLINA, PET STORE, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 29, 2013
(I am cashier at a pet store. I see a man walk into the store, pick up a large and expensive coffee table book on show dogs, and get in my line. My manager has warned me, and shown me a picture of this man. He tries to convince cashiers to give him a refund for items he has just stolen. I immediately page my manager, who, unbeknownst to me, is tied up with a minor medical emergency in the back of the store.)
Thief: “I want to return this item.”
Me: “Do you have a receipt?”
Thief: “No.”
Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. Without a receipt, I cannot give you a refund.”
Thief: “Give me a refund.”
Me: “Sir, I watched you pick that book up when you came in. I know you did not buy it.”
Thief: “Give me the f****** money, or I’ll kick your a**.”
(Most of the customers in my line start backing away.)
Me: “Sir, I cannot give you any money, and if you leave with that item I will call the police. Please leave the store.”
Thief: “You little a**-hole!”
(The thief grabs the front of my shirt, and rears his arm back to punch me. I throw my arms up to shield my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a flash of movement. The next thing I see is a spatter of blood on my counter, and the man out cold on the floor with a bloody nose. My manager, with a paramedic from the earlier emergency, walks up.)
Manager: “What just happened?”
(As I tell my story, an assistant manager calls the police, opens another line, and checks out the waiting customers. The paramedic starts checking on the man, who has a clearly broken nose. The man slowly regains consciousness, and points to me.)
Thief: “She assaulted me! I’m going to sue!”
(I talk to the police.)
Me: “He grabbed me, but I never hit him. I don’t know how he got hurt!”
(The man, a known criminal, is handcuffed and put in the police car. The officers and my manager go to review the security cameras. About ten minutes later, I get called to come back to the office.)
Manager: “You have got to watch this!”
(The camera footage clearly showed the man getting the book, getting in line, arguing with me, and then grabbing my shirt. At that moment, the customer in line after him, a tiny, middle-aged Asian woman, leaped up, grabbed the hair on the back of his head, slammed his face into my counter, and then calmly stepped back to where she had been standing. She did it so quickly that we have to run the footage back on slow to see exactly what she had done. After the thief was out cold, she walked over to the new line that the assistant manager opened, bought her bag of cat food with cash, and left without a word. Apparently, the other customers either didn’t see what she did, or decided to keep their mouths shut. We have no idea who she was, and we never saw her again. The thief was charged with assault on me, and arrested. Wherever you are, lady, thanks! You’re my personal superhero!)
Jurassic Farce
BAD BEHAVIOR, COUPON, EDITORS' CHOICE, SARCASM | RIGHT | APRIL 15, 2009
Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”
Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”
Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”
Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”
Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”
Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”
Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”
(I go into the back room for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)
Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”
Customer: “OH, NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*
(I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)
Suffering From A-Salt
ALABAMA, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, INSTANT KARMA, JERK, LIBRARY, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 4, 2010
(I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a sixteen-year-old girl who is diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)
Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*
Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”
(She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)
Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your… wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”
Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”
Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”
Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”
(As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do.’ She then falls to the ground, shaking and convulsing.)
Patron: “Oh, s***!” *runs out of the library*
Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”
They’re Starting To Catch On
FUNNY, RETAIL, STUPID, TIME, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 25, 2009
Customer: “I thought I should let you guys know your phone isn’t working.”
Me: “Okay. Are you sure you’ve been dialing the correct number?”
Customer: “Yes, I’ve been trying 0800-2100 all week, and it never goes through.”
Me: “…0800-2100? That’s not our number – our number is [Number]. If you don’t mind me asking, where did you get 0800-2100 from?”
Customer: “Right there, on your door.” *points*
Me: “Sir, that’s not a phone number… Those are our business hours.”
Teaching The Next Generation
CLOTHING STORE | RIGHT | JULY 15, 2009
(I’m folding clothes when a young girl of about six comes up to me. Her mom is in a nearby fitting room trying clothes on.)
Girl: “Why do you have to fold those shirts?”
Me: “Well, they have to look neat on the tables, so I need to fold them.”
Girl: “So whenever someone looks at a shirt, you have to refold it?”
Me: “If it gets unfolded, yes.”
(Just then another customer walks up to the table and proceeds to unfold the top shirt from the pile, look at it, and throw it back down on top of the pile.)
Apparently Bad Parenting
BAD BEHAVIOR, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RESTAURANT, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 25, 2011
(I walk into the kitchen and see a toddler reaching for a knife, blade first. I run and grab him before he gets it. He cries, but I let him play with my necklace while I take him back out to his mother, who is attached to her cell phone.)
Mother: “Oh, my God!”
(I hand him to her.)
Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, he’s fine, I just–”
Mother: “I’m calling the cops! You tried to kidnap my son!”
Me: “You’ve got to be kidding.”
Mother: “I saw you! You had my son!”
Me: “Yes, I found him in the kitchen.”
Mother: “You took him in there!”
Me: “Why would I do that?”
Mother: “Cause you want to be a mother so bad that you had to take my sweet boy!”
Me: “If I took him, why would I bring him back?”
Mother: “Stop distracting me!”
(She begins to dial 911. Another customer walks up. I recognize him.)
Officer: “Ma’am, hang up your phone. I’m a cop.”
(He shows his badge.)
Mother: “Arrest her!”
Officer: “Ma’am, I watched your son walk into the kitchen on his own accord. If anyone is getting arrested, it’s you for endangering the welfare of a child.”
Would You Like A Foot To Go With Your Mouth
BAD BEHAVIOR, BULLIES, COFFEE SHOP | RIGHT | JUNE 5, 2009
(I’m a customer and overhear this exchange while waiting in line.)
Barista: “Here’s your change… Have a nice day.”
Customer: “You know, you haven’t smiled once.”
Barista: “Sorry.”
Customer: “I’m so sick of the attitude of people in the service industry! Is it so hard to give your customers a smile as you’re pouring water through beans? You all are so arrogant. It makes me sick!”
Barista: *eyes begin to well up*
Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling?!”
Barista: “…because my father died last night.”
(You could hear a pin drop. The customer was literally glared out of the shop, forgetting her coffee.)
Just A (Cast The First) Stone’s Throw Away From A True Christian
ALABAMA, BIGOTRY, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, LGBTQ, RELIGION | RIGHT | MAY 15, 2014
(I live in the Bible Belt of America, where homophobia is the norm. I’m a gay man and was outed by a previous coworker, so now I deal with two or three bigots per week. This takes place on an early Sunday morning.)
Me: “Hello. Did you find everything today?”
Customer #1 : *a bigot who frequents my lane just to insult me* “Everything except a good, god-fearing cashier!”
Me: *scanning items and not paying attention* “Your total is $48.50, sir. Would you like to pay cash or credit?”
Customer #1 : “You’re going to Hell, you know! You and all your god-d***ed f****ts! Pick up a Bible and learn how to be a Christian!”
(He then throws his credit card at me. I check him out while enduring his verbal abuse, as usual. Finally, he’s gone to bag his groceries while the next customer comes up. He’s an elderly man, around 60, wearing a sweater and a large prominent cross. I fear the worst but he hands me a gift card.)
Customer #2 : “Bless you, son. I’d like you to have this to make up for those of us who are less than their best.”
([Customer #1 ] has heard [Customer #2 ] and starts yelling.)
Customer #1 : “You’re going to Hell for supporting this f**! Learn how to be a good Christian!”
([Customer #2 ] removes his sweater to reveals he’s a priest. [Customer #1 ]’s eyes widen in shock.)
Customer #2 : “Well, if I’m going to Hell I don’t believe there’s much hope for any of us now, is there?”
(He was the new pastor for the church and one of his first sermons was on spreading love instead of hate. I thank you, good sir, for reminding me what a real Christian is like.)
Did you find this story using our Harvey Milk Day roundup?
Playing Unfair With The Fairer Sex
BIGOTRY, CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, NORWAY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 8, 2009
(I provide Internet support over the phone. I am the only qualified technician working today. I also happen to be female.)
Me: “Welcome to [Company] Internet support. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Oh, hello, sweetheart. I didn’t realize I’d reached the reception. Would you please connect me to Internet support?”
Me: “This is Internet support. What can I do for you?”
Customer: “I want help with a technical problem. I can’t talk to you. I want to talk to a man!”
Me: “Sir, I can assure you that I’ll be able to help you with your technical problem. I am the qualified technician here today.”
Customer: “You are a girl! You have no clue how to help me! This is man stuff. I demand to speak with a man!”
(This continues for ten minutes. The customer gets more and more aggravated, and starts yelling nasty comments. I give up, and connect him to my coworker, who sits next to me. My coworker is male.)
Coworker: “Welcome to [Company] Internet support. My name is [Coworker]. How can I help you?”
Customer: “Finally, a man! My Internet is so unstable these days; I can’t seem to stay on it! It takes forever to load and the speed is horrible!”
Coworker: “Sir, I see the problem, and I’m sending a report. It will be fixed on Monday.”
Customer: “What?! It’s Saturday! Why do you have to wait until Monday? I want it fixed now!”
Coworker: “Well, we would need a qualified technician to log into the system to fix your line. It’s Saturday, so there is only one qualified technician working.”
Customer: “Get him to fix it now! I demand to speak with him!”
Coworker: “Sir, you have already spoken to her.”
Customer: “Wait. Her?”
Coworker: “Yes. You spoke to our only qualified technician earlier today. You yelled profanities at her, and demanded to speak to a man.”
Customer: “So, I’ll be lucky if my Internet is up again on Monday?”
Coworker: “You’ll be lucky if you have Internet at all.”
The Forbidden Fruit
ICE CREAM SHOP, ONE-LINER, RUDE & RISQUE | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 9, 2009
(I’ve just finished putting a cherry on top of an older woman’s ice cream. It’s slowly starting to roll down the side.)
Me: “Oh, watch it! You’re about to lose your cherry!”
Customer: “Oh, dearie, I lost that a long time ago.”
Stereo-Griping
CLOTHING STORE, EDITORS' CHOICE, LGBTQ | RIGHT | OCTOBER 14, 2010
(While stocking items on the shelf I notice a guy sitting by the changing rooms with the bored, “being forced to go shopping with the missus” look on his face.)
Me: “Girlfriend making you comment on everything in the store?”
Guy: “Me? No. I’m gay. My friend only just found out and figured we could go shopping together despite my protests.”
Me: “Sorry bout the mistake, you just had the usual ‘get me out of here’ look.”
(At this point the girl comes out of the changing room to show off her outfit.)
Girl: “What do you think?”
Guy: “I don’t know. It’s good, I guess.”
Girl: *in a huff* “You’re no good at this! What’s the point in being gay if you don’t like shopping for clothes?!”
(She storms back into the changing room.)
Guy: “Jeez, this is worse than having to come out to my parents.”
Kookie Cookie Karma
BAD BEHAVIOR, RESTAURANT, STUPID | RIGHT | JULY 16, 2009
Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”
Customer: “Yes. What are these?”
Me: “That is a fortune cookie, ma’am.”
Customer: “It doesn’t look like a cookie. Where are the chocolate chips?”
Me: “Ma’am, these are a different kind of cookie. You open them up and they tell your fortune on a piece of paper.”
Customer: “What kind of cookies have paper in them!?”
Me: “Fortune cookies, ma’am.”
Customer: “This is an outrage! Cookies are meant to be eaten, and paper isn’t EATABLE!”
Me: “Please, ma’am, the paper is–”
Customer: “Shut up! I’m leaving.”
(The customer began to storm out but in her anger missed the door and walked right into the wall. When she finally stumbled out, I opened up the fortune cookie and read its message: “Do not worry. You will get what is coming to you in life.”)
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