22 Riskiest Places for Catching Coronavirus

A Double-Edged Flat Screen
EDITORS' CHOICE, ELECTRONICS STORE, TECHNOLOGY, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 4, 2009
Customer: “You have to help me; I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “Calm down, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My husband and I bought a big screen TV last week from this store.”

Me: “What’s the problem with it?”

Customer: “I want it out of my house! Is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Is it not functioning properly?”

Customer: “No. It works perfectly. That’s the problem. Every night, our house turns into a sports bar; all his friends come over to watch TV until three am and I can’t get any sleep! They eat all the food I cook, they broke my grandmother’s crystal vase, and they spilled beer all over the rugs! I want my house back!”

Me: “Well, you know, ma’am, you could always turn the tables.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have girlfriends, right?”

(The woman’s face displays a grin of diabolical proportions.)

Customer: “You have DVDs here, right?”

Me: “Just over there.”

Customer: “Thank you very much for your help!”

(I took my break just after that and saw the woman carrying in her arms at least a dozen DVDs. Among them: the Sex and the City movie, Terms of Endearment, Sweet November, Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and even Gone with the Wind. Her husbands’ beer buddies never stood a chance.)

Selfish Smokers
AT THE CHECKOUT, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, USA | RIGHT | AUGUST 21, 2009
Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “A packet of 20 Marlboro Lights, please.”

(I hand him the cigarettes.)

Customer: “Wait, I don’t want these ones.”

Me: “Why? They’re Marlboro Lights. Did you change your mind?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want ones with this health warning about cigarettes causing impotency.”

Me: “Ok. Do you want ‘smoking harms those around you,’ or ‘smoking causes testicular cancer?'”

Customer: “Give me the ‘harms others’ ones.”

For My Next Trick…
RETAIL | RIGHT | JANUARY 26, 2009
(A woman who had gone through my line earlier that day came up to me.)

Customer: “Give me back my g****** keys!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My car keys! Give them back!”

Me: “I wasn’t aware that I had them. Ma’am, are your keys lost? I can get someone to help you find them if you want.”

Customer: “No! I know it was you who took them! I put them up on this little tray– *points to the tray next to the debit machine* “–and when I got home I couldn’t find them anywhere!”

Me: “When…when you got home? Ma’am, did you drive home?”

Customer: “Well, duh! What kind of idiot are you? Do you think I’m poor?” *gives a disgusted look*

Me: “No…how did you get back here, ma’am?”

Customer: “I drove here, of course!”

Me: “With your car keys?”

Customer: “Yes! Now give them back!”

Me: “Ma’am…if I had taken your car keys, would you have been able to drive home and back here?”

Customer: “No! But I know you took them!”

(I then notice the keys shining in her hand.)

Me:: “Open your hand please, ma’am?”

Customer: *upon seeing her keys in her hand* “Oh, you little witch! What did you do, ‘magic’ them back into my hand?! What kind of store lets witches work for them?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a witch…but you are a complete stereotypical blonde.”

Customer: “Oh, how dare you! I demand to speak to your manager.”

(My manager, who is a Wiccan and has been listening to this exchange for the past few minutes, comes up behind me, playing with her five-pointed star necklace.)

Manager: *in a mystical voice* “Well, hello there, earth-walker. What can I do for you?”

Customer: *sputters curse words and quickly storms out*

Quite Rightly, Waiting Impolitely Is Unsightly
CANADA, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, ONE-LINER, ONTARIO, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | APRIL 14, 2010
(The restaurant is very busy, so food wait time is longer than usual.)

Table #1 : “When is our food coming out? This is ridiculous; we’ve been waiting twenty minutes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We are very busy right now, but I’ll be bringing out your food very shortly.”

Table #1 : “Well, I hope so! You’re the worst server we’ve ever had!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Like I said, it’ll be out shortly.”

(I move to another table.)

Me: “I’m really sorry about the wait, I’ve checked on your food and it will be out shortly. I’m so sorry. I realize you’ve been waiting 40 minutes.”

Table #2 : “That’s not a problem at all… Don’t worry about it.”

Me: “I’d like to offer you your meals on the house, and thank you again for your patience.”

Table #1 : *overhearing* “How come WE don’t get our meals on the house?”

Table #2 : *to [Table #1 ]* “Because WE’VE been waiting POLITELY!”

Best Not To Exchange With Haters
BIGOTRY, COLORADO, DENVER, EDITORS' CHOICE, ELECTRONICS STORE, LGBTQ, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 11, 2012
(I’m a manager. I am ringing up a woman I have sold things to before. We are making small talk as I ring her up. Note: I’m a lesbian.)

Customer: “I can’t believe the president came out in support for gay marriage!”

Me: “I know; kind of unbelievable!”

Customer: “That f** lover is going to burn in Hell for that!”

Me: *biting my tongue* “Okay.”

(I finish ringing her up and hand the customer her bags.)

Customer: “They should round up all the gays and put them down.”

Me: “That would be bad for me, seeing as I am a lesbian.”

(The woman turns pale and walks out without saying a word. A few hours later, I get a call from the manager of another one of our stores. On the line, I can hear the same customer I previously sold items to ranting.)

Manager: *also a woman* “So, this woman is here wanting to exchange a bunch of stuff from your store. When I asked her what was wrong with the items, she said you tainted them; I have no idea what she is talking about. Could you maybe clear this up for me?”

Me: “Well, I bet it is because she found out I am gay.”

Manager: “I see.” *starts talking in sultry voice* “Well, I’ll see you tonight for our date. You should put on that that black lace bra and panty set I got you for your birthday! I love you!” *hangs up*

(I am very confused, seeing as I have never dated that manager, nor did she ever get me underwear, and as far as I know, she is not gay. Fast forward a few days later to the manager weekly conference call: apparently, the customer left the other store after thinking the other manager was also gay. That manager then called every other store in the area and told everyone about the customer. Over the next few days, the customer went to every store in a 20 mile radius trying to exchange the ‘tainted goods.’ Everyone she talked to pretended to be gay when working with her and she left every time. To my knowledge, she never got her exchange.)

The Economy Is Crumbling
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 20, 2010
(The phone is ringing off the hook and my coworker finally answers it.)

Coworker: “Hello this is [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have that guitar game that just came out?”

(My co-worker looks to me and I confirm we only have one left.)

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, but we only have one left.”

Customer: “If you hold that f****** game, I swear I’ll bring you homemade f****** cookies.”

Coworker: “It’s f****** held.”

(Less than half an hour later, the woman came in to pick up her game, with a huge bag full of homemade cookies.)

Tricks Of The Trade
CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, LIARS/SCAMMERS | RIGHT | JULY 28, 2010
Me: “Welcome to [Company] hotline. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My name is [Caller]. I’ve ordered mobile broadband weeks ago, but I didn’t receive squat!”

Me: “Let me just check with customer service to see what we can do about that. Do you mind holding?”

(I put the caller on hold and dial customer services. They check the tracking number for his modem and it seems he has already picked it up from his local post office. He is trying to get a free modem out of us.)

Me: “Hi, I’m back. Looks like I’ve got a solution to your problem. Try to open the mobile partner software on your desktop.”

(This is software that automatically installs itself first time you plug in the mobile broadband modem.)

Caller: “Sure, no problem.”

(I briefly explain to the customer that he couldn’t have done that without receiving the modem.)

Caller: “I want to talk to your manager!”

(I hand the call to my manager.)

Caller: “Your employee tried to trick me! Now what are you going to do about it?”

Manager: “Promote him?”

Setting Mother Straight
BIGOTRY, FAMILY & KIDS, GROCERY STORE, LGBTQ, USA | RIGHT | JANUARY 23, 2013
(I’m working the cash register when a mom comes through with a teenage daughter in a private school uniform. I’m pretty flamboyantly gay.)

Me: “Hello today, ladies. Did you find everything you need?”

Mom: “Just shut up and finish this, f**.”

(I’m used to this kind of abuse, so I continue ringing her up. I notice the daughter roll her eyes at her mother, but doesn’t comment.)

Me: “And if you could just sign that receipt right there, ma’am.”

Mom: *snatches receipt* “You should be ashamed of yourself! Acting that way in front of my daughter! Homosexuals are ruining this country! Look at those two over there making out in the middle of the store!”

(Her rant continues as she points to a young couple walking through the store holding hands. She then goes on to attack the ‘biker chick’ with the tattoo in the next line. I can see her daughter getting angrier, and finally she snaps.)

Daughter: “Can you please just stop? This guy’s been pretty d*** helpful and probably has better taste in men than you! And those two are freakin’ adorable so leave them alone. You want to hear something really good? I have a boyfriend. We’ve had sex. Oh, and I got a tattoo.”

(She proceeds to rip up the back of her shirt to reveal a tattoo on her lower back before turning back around to face her mother.)

Daughter: “And you can’t say anything because I’m an adult just like every other person in this store. So you can take your prejudiced opinions and shove them up your a**. If you want me, I’ll be at Dad’s!” *storms out*

Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk
AT THE CHECKOUT, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RETAIL | RIGHT | JUNE 11, 2009
(I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)

Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”

Customer: “Yes, I would.”

Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the key pad.”

(The total rings up as $24.32.)

Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”

Me: “Okay…”

(We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)

Customer: “Well, what do I do?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Mom.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”

Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry… I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”

Customer’s Daughter: *to me* “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”

Customer: “Smart a**!”

After This, She’s Gonna Need An Antidepressant
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MONEY, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | OCTOBER 26, 2008
Customer: “Hi, can I have some of those allergy medications that are behind the counter? The 24 hour kind.”

Me: “Sure thing…”

(I grab one, because law mandates that the computers only allow me to check out one 24 hour medication for a certain period of time).

Customer: “Oh, I wanted four. Can I have four, please?”

Me: “Sorry, I can only give you one. There’s a law that makes me check your ID on the computer. It won’t let me check out more than one for you, at least not in the 24 hour dose.”

Customer: “Well, can you at least try? If you’d TRY once in a while, you never know what you can do!”

Me: “All right, then…”

(I scan one and sure enough, the second won’t go through.)

Me: “Yup, it won’t let me check out the second one. Your total’s gonna be about 20 bucks.”

Customer: “Okay, now try the third one.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “If the second one didn’t work, maybe the third one will.”

Me: “Ma’am, all four of these are exactly the same. If the second one didn’t work, what makes you think if I rang up another box of the exact same thing would work?”

Customer: “JUST DO IT!”

Me: “Okay… yeah… it’s not working.”

Customer: “Okay, now try the fourth one.”

(Suffice it to say it doesn’t work; after she buys her one box, she comes back about fifteen minutes later.)

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU SELL ME THIS EXPIRED MEDICATION!”

Me: “Err… what? I can guarantee you it’s not. I checked it before I gave it to you.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Then what’s this? It says FEB 20!”

Me: “Yes… February… of 2020. Not February 20th.”

Customer: “Uh… well, I’m older than you and I probably make way more than you anyway, so I’m right. I’m 42 and I make $[amount] an hour!”

Me: “I’ll agree with you, you’re much older than I am. I’m only 26. But, ma’am, you are talking to a pharmacist. I make twice that. Oh, wait… I’m in overtime now… three times that. Actually, in the time it took me to help you, I just made one hour’s worth of your wage. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Insanity Comes Through Loud And Clear
CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | APRIL 22, 2009
(This guy calls in and gets the wrong department. The correct department is in another city, or perhaps country.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t access your account from my department. If you’ll let me put you on hold, I’ll transfer you to someone who–”

Customer: “No! Every time I get put on hold I get dropped.”

Me: “Well, I can’t help you unless you let me put you–”

Customer: “Stop interrupting me!”

Me: “I… I’m not–”

Customer: “Yes, you are! Do we have to start using the over-and-out method?”

Me: “I’m not sure what–”

Customer: “After everything I say, I say ‘over.’ Then you can talk. Then you say ‘over,’ and I can talk.”

Me: “I’m not really sure that’s necess–”

Customer: “Now, I need to put more minutes on my phone. Over.”

Me: “I’m in the post-paid department and I can’t access prepaid accounts here. If you’ll let me transfer you I can get someone who can help you. Over.”

Customer: “No. I refuse to be put on hold. Just get someone to come over and use your phone.”

(There is a long pause.)

Customer: “Hello? Are you ignoring me?” *another long pause* “HELLOOOOOO!”

Me: “You didn’t say ‘over.'”

DE TING, DE TING!!!
BIZARRE, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, TECH SUPPORT, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 2, 2008
(I worked tech support for a major software company, specifically with their digital media products. This call was about their video editing software.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company] tech support.

(The customer gives me her info and has a thick accent I can’t place.)

Me: “Great! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “Yes. I am trying to edit dees beedio, and eet’s blue and blue on de ting.”

Me: “So… it’s blue, and blue… on the thing?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Where is it blue?”

Customer: “On de ting.”

Me: “By ‘thing,’ do you mean the computer screen or your camera?”

Customer: “Yes… de ting.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see what you are looking at so you’ll have to tell me the name of the thing that is blue.”

Customer: *getting angry* “DE TING!!! Eeet’s BLUUUUE AN BLUUUEE ON DE TING!!!!”

Me: “What exactly is blue? The video on your monitor? Are you outputting to TV? The viewfinder on your camera?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Yes… which one?”

Customer: *yelling* “DE TING!!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I don’t understand where you are having a problem.”

Customer: “THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS!!! I SPEAK PERFECT ENGLISH!!! MY HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HE WILL BE VERY VERY ANGRY WIT YOU!!! I DEMAND RESPECT!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, I agree. You speak English very, very well. The problem I am having is you are not telling me where you are seeing blue video.”

Customer: “ON DE TIIIING!!!”

(This exchange went on for a while before she got frustrated and hung up. The best part is, my call was being listened to by some higher level support guys. They created an internal troubleshooting document that appeared as follows

PROBLEM: VIDEO IS BLUE AND BLUE ON THE THING.

SOLUTION: NONE AT THIS TIME.

TROUBLESHOOTING:
>(TECH SUPPORT) IS THE THING BLUE? TRY REINSTALLING THE THING.

>(TECH SUPPORT) THING REINSTALLED. STILL BLUE.

>(ENGINEER) CANNOT RECREATE THING IN LAB.

>(ENGINEER) PROBLEM ALMOST RECREATED. THING RED.

(And so on and so on…)

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Powers
ADORABLE CHILDREN, AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, KIOSK, NEW YORK, NEW YORK CITY, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | JANUARY 14, 2013
(I’m half-Chinese, but with my sunglasses on, people usually can’t tell. I’m fluent in Mandarin. One day I get a text from my friend, a grade-school teacher.)

Friend: “You speak Chinese, right?”

Me: “Yeah, why?”

Friend: “Come down to [intersection] around noon and explain what the f*** is going on.”

(At my lunch break I head down there. On one side of the street is a crowd of school kids, while on the other side an elderly Chinese man with an ice cream cart.)

Kid #1 : “I’m gonna do it.”

Kid #2 : “No way.”

Kid #1 : “Yeah way. I’m fast enough!”

Kid #2 : “You’re not Chinese.”

Kid #1 : “So?”

Kid #2 : “Only [Chinese Name] can do it.”

Kid #1 : “I’m gonna do it.”

(Kid #1 dashes across the street, yanks back the cover of the cart, and grabs a handful of ice cream. He takes off, but the vendor catches him, pinning both arms behind his back.)

Vendor: “Ah, three bars? Your total is $9.28.”

Kid #1 : “Lemme go!”

(The vendor removes some money from the kid’s pocket with his free hand.)

Vendor: “Cash paid is $20.”

Kid #1 : “Yeah, yeah, I know the drill.”

(While still holding the struggling kid, the vendor deposits the $20 in his till and takes out change.)

Vendor: “Your change is $10.72.”

(The vendor puts the change and ice creams in a bag and hands them to the kid, who takes off.)

Vendor: “Have a nice day!”

Kid #2 : “Told you.”

Kid #1 : “Fine! Okay, [Chinese Name], you do it!”

(A short Chinese boy steps forward. His clothes are patched and despite the weather, he’s not wearing a coat.)

Chinese Kid: “Let us meditate… on the way of the wind.”

(He strikes a ridiculous pose and exhales loudly. The other kids jump back.)

Chinese Kid: “…on the way of the snake…”

(New pose, hissing loudly. The others back away even more.)

Chinese Kid: “…on the way of the hawk.”

(He flaps his arms and jumps in a circle. The kids are a good twenty feet away now.)

Chinese Kid: “The meditation is done.”

(He runs up to the ice cream vendor and grabs a handful of bars. The vendor strikes him with an exaggerated karate chop which the kid easily blocks.)

Chinese Kid: *flees, speaking Chinese* “Thank you, Mr. [Vendor]!”

Vendor: *shakes his fist angrily, also in Chinese* “Sorry we are out of lime today!”

(The Chinese kid kicks towards the vendor from across the street.)

Chinese Kid: “My mother says she hopes your leg feels better!”

Vendor: *red-faced with rage* “It does! Tell her thank you for the tea!”

(The kids are enthralled. As they eat the ice cream, I approach the vendor.)

Me: *in Chinese* “What just happened?”

Vendor: “Oh… you understood. That little boy is a new immigrant, and all the other children mocked him because he is small and weak. He told them Chinese people have special powers, and they beat him up and told him to prove it. But I overheard and whispered to him to rob me. Now we have a deal.”

Me: “How wonderful!” *pointing behind him* “Hey, can you tell what that is?”

(As he turns around, I drop some money on the cart and grab a bar of ice cream, fleeing.)

Vendor: “You forgot your change!”

Me: *shakes my fist* “It’s a tip!”

Kids: “Whoa! How did you do that?”

(I slip off my sunglasses. The Chinese kid bows to me and I bow back.)

Kid #2 : “Told you they have special powers. Never bully a Chinese kid, man. Never!”

You’re Only As Old As You Act
ALCOHOL, AT THE CHECKOUT, BIZARRE, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 17, 2009
(An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)

Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”

Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary.”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”

Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”

(She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)

Me: “Ma’am… this card says you’re seventeen.”

Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*

Me: “…”

Tellin’ It Like It Is
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | AUGUST 17, 2008
Me: “Hello! Welcome to [restaurant].”

(I begin pouring water, as is customary at any restaurant.)

Woman: “We didn’t ASK for water.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. Should I bring you something else?”

Woman: *sighs* “No! No! No! Fine! We’ll take the darn water.”

(I proceed to bring her the food, and she complains incessantly about everything she can think of until finally her entree comes out.)

Woman: “This isn’t what I ordered.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is what you ordered. I can show you the bill… it’s clearly written that this is what you ordered.”

Woman: “No it’s not! I DID NOT ORDER THIS!”

Me: “You did now…”

Woman, to husband: “Come on, let’s leave!”

Husband: “Why? Because you’re being a pain?”

Aspirin(g) To Be A Better Doctor
BAD BEHAVIOR, USA, VET | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 2, 2009
(My husband works for the out-of-hours service, and drives and assists the doctors with their house calls. I’m a veterinary nurse and as we work in the same area we often see the same people. At two am, the phone rings.)

Me: “Uh, hello?”

Husband: “Hi, my love. It’s just me. The doctor has a question for you about some meds. Do you mind talking to him?”

Me: “No problem, put him on.”

Doctor: “Hi, we’re at a patient’s house now. She’s worried because she accidentally took her cat’s medication. The thing is, she’s decanted the tablets into a tub and has lost the label. Can you tell me what they are?”

Me: “Well, give me a description of the tablets, I’ll see if I can recognise the med code.”

Doctor: “The pills are round, white, and have A-S-P-I-R-I-N stamped on them.”

Me: “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

(This clearly sets the doctor off, as he goes off on the following tirade

Doctor: “No! You said you would help! What’s your problem, for f*** sake?! I have a patient that may be poisoned and you’re being a b****! It’s my JOB on the line here; do you understand that? MY JOB! I don’t know why I listened to that b**** driver. What would you know, anyway? You are just some idiot nurse for f***ing animals! Nobody would give a s**t what you say, you ignorant cow!”

Me: “It’s an aspirin… spelled A-S-P-I-R-I-N.”

Doctor: *prolonged silence* “I guess I should say sorry now, right?”

A Not So Bitter End
EDITORS' CHOICE, PIZZA, STUPID, USA, WASHINGTON | RIGHT | APRIL 28, 2010
Customer: “Are you in charge of the salad bar?”

Me: “Of course. I make sure all the food is fresh. Was something wrong?”

Customer: “Your dressings are too sweet!”

Me: “We buy our dressings pre-packaged, but it is possible that something went wrong somewhere along the way. Which one was it?”

Customer: “The dressing!”

Me: “They are all too sweet?”

Customer: “Were you born simple? The dressing is sweet!”

Me: “Is it red, orange, white, or brown?”

Customer: “The brown one is too sweet!”

Me: “That’s the balsamic vinaigrette. It shouldn’t be sweet at all, but I will pull it and put out a new container of dressing for you.”

Customer: “Thank you! Was that so difficult?”

(I begin to pull the only brown dressing we have and she stops me.)

Customer: “My God, you are such an idiot! You’re pulling the wrong d*** dressing!”

Me: “You said the brown dressing, right? I am pulling the brown dressing like you asked.”

Customer: “Not that dressing, you idiot, this brown dressing. You are so stupid!” *points*

Me: “You mean the chocolate pudding?”

You Couldn’t Make It Up
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, LGBTQ, TELEMARKETING | RIGHT | JANUARY 17, 2011
(My job is to call people and pitch the brand of make-up my company sells. I call and an obviously really young girl answers the phone.)

Little Girl: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I talk to the lady of this residence?”

Little Girl: “That’s me.”

Me: “I mean, may I talk to your mom?”

Little Girl: “I have two dads.”

Me: “Oh well, never mind, then. Have a nice day!”

Little Girl: “Wait! Why did you call?”

Me: “I’m selling make-up.”

Little Girl: “Oh! One of my daddies loves that stuff. It makes him look pretty when he goes dancing! Let me give him the phone! Dad! Dad! Some girl wants to make you look pretty!”

When Two Wrongs Make It Right
EDITORS' CHOICE, LIARS/SCAMMERS, RETAIL, STUPID, USA, WASHINGTON | RIGHT | DECEMBER 5, 2010
(The night previous we had a customer shoplift about $300 worth of merchandise while I was on shift. Thankfully, while she did get away with quite a bit, she escaped with only one boot of a pair, as I had removed the second boot, with ink tag intact, pending acceptance of her check.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. What can we help you find today?”

Caller: “Hi! I was at your store last night and the lady that helped me shorted us a shoe!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What style was it?”

Caller: “A [Brand]. It was the right shoe. She was going to take the tag off and never did! I live far away, so do you think you could transfer it to the [Different Location] store?”

Me: “I don’t believe that would be feasible as we don’t have a way to get it to that store, but we might be able to mail it to you! Can I get your name, phone number, and address?”

Caller: “Sure. It is [Name, number, and address].”

(I got off the phone looking like the Cheshire Cat. The thief had just given her full name, phone number, and address.)

Tellin’ It Like It Is
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | AUGUST 17, 2008
Me: “Hello! Welcome to [restaurant].”

(I begin pouring water, as is customary at any restaurant.)

Woman: “We didn’t ASK for water.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. Should I bring you something else?”

Woman: *sighs* “No! No! No! Fine! We’ll take the darn water.”

(I proceed to bring her the food, and she complains incessantly about everything she can think of until finally her entree comes out.)

Woman: “This isn’t what I ordered.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is what you ordered. I can show you the bill… it’s clearly written that this is what you ordered.”

Woman: “No it’s not! I DID NOT ORDER THIS!”

Me: “You did now…”

Woman, to husband: “Come on, let’s leave!”

Husband: “Why? Because you’re being a pain?”