Holistic Medicine and the Western Medical Tradition

Real Sugar Can’t Be Beet
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 7, 2013
(A customer comes up with two packages of[energy drink].)

Customer: “Is this sugar free?”

Me: “Nope, afraid not. The sugar free usually has a lighter coloring on the box.”

(The customer repeats his question twice more, and I repeat my answer twice more. Finally, he decides to buy the two packages of normal [energy drink].)

Me: “All right, here’s your receipt!”

Customer: “Wait here. I’ll go get the sugar free…”

(Puzzled, I keep an eye on his groceries. When he returns, he takes the normal [energy drink] out of the bag, putting the new packages in the bag.)

Me: “Sir, didn’t you want to purchase those, too?”

Customer: “No! I told you, I was going to get sugar free! You rang me up for them!”

Me: “Sir, I told you three times that you were buying the regular kind. If you want those instead, you’re going to have to do an exchange.”

Customer: “No! I told you! I wanted sugar free! I have no time for this!”

(I call over my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “What’s up?”

(I explain the situation, calling it a slight problem in communication.)

Customer: “I told her; I’m very busy! I have no time for this!”

Supervisor: “Sir, in the time it took me to walk over here, you could’ve had this done and been on your way. I’ll take care of this on another register.”

(Without a word further, my supervisor takes the customer’s groceries and brings them to another register. A regular customer is behind the other customer, and has witnessed the whole thing.)

Regular Customer: “Geez! People sure are awful, huh?

And He Said, Fiat Lux
HOTEL | RIGHT | AUGUST 6, 2011
(A guest checks into our hotel late at night. About five minutes later, he comes back to the front desk.)

Guest: “My room’s supposed to have a view of the ocean. I can’t see it. Did you put me in the wrong room?”

Me: *jokingly* “Well, it is nighttime…”

Guest: *blank stare*

Me: “Here, I’ll move you to the other ocean view room.”

(I move the guest to the other room. Again, he comes back.)

Guest: “I still can’t see the ocean! I reserved this room specifically for the ocean view!”

Me: “I do apologize. If you still can’t see the ocean in the morning, we’ll give you a discount.”

(The guest reluctantly agrees to this and leaves in a huff. However, he does not return the next morning.)

Drive Through Democracy
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | MARCH 19, 2015
(A customer pulls up to my window, and he looks extremely similar to Bill Clinton.)

Me: “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Bill Clinton?”

Customer: “I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!”

(The customer then proceeded, in full Clinton style, to light up a joint at my drive-through window.)

Getting The Raw Deal
MARKET | WORKING | SEPTEMBER 8, 2013
(Near where I live, there is a popular Amish market. We buy their baked goods a lot. We buy a six-pack of cinnamon buns. Once we cut one, we realize they are raw inside.)

Me: “Yes, I’d like to return these, please.”

Baker: “Why?”

Me: “They’re raw on the inside.”

Baker: “But they’re already open.”

Me: “Yes, I cut one. That’s how I realized they were raw on the inside.”

Baker: “But you can’t return it. It’s open.”

Me: “I can’t eat it. It’s raw. You’re not allowed to sell it that way, either. It’s a health hazard.”

Baker: “Well, what do you want me to do?”

Me: “I’d like a refund. I can’t eat these, and I had no way of knowing they were raw when I bought them.”

Baker: “…”

Me: “Well, could you finish cooking them at least?”

Baker: “But you opened it! One’s cut!”

Me: “Yes. Now think about it. Do they look raw on the outside?”

Baker: “No…”

Me: “Excellent. Now, are they raw on the inside?”

Baker: “Yes…”

Me: “Good. Now the big one: How could I know they were raw on the inside?”

Baker: “…if you cut one and saw.”

Me: “Yes! So there’s no way I could’ve known without cutting one.”

Baker: “Oh. Well, I don’t want to give you a refund.”

Me: “Well, you do realize you’re not allowed to sell them like this? There are laws. There are health regulations. I could report this—”

Baker: “—fine! Here’s your refund!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Can’t Face The Speed
OFFICE | WORKING | MAY 19, 2015
(At our office we have a lot of data to upload and download. To make this a bit faster, workers who don’t have to use the Internet intensively for work purposes have their speed limited, to leave more bandwidth for the ones who don’t. It’s not a big limit, as it’s still possible to watch streaming videos and download files at normal speeds. I’m the IT guy.)

New Coworker: “Hey, my Internet is slow! Could you take a look at my PC?”

Me: “That’s normal. Since all your work is done offline you don’t need so much speed, so it’s limited.”

New Coworker: “But it takes me more than 10 seconds to load the page! That can’t be normal!”

(I’m sure she’s exaggerating, but I agree to go look at her PC. She sits down and goes to show me by loading a webpage.)

New Coworker: “See? It shouldn’t take THIS long to load!”

Me: “Umm, yes, but it’s because you’re watching videos on YouTube. That takes some bandwidth, and slows down your connection which isn’t that fast to begin with.”

New Coworker: “Yeah, even the videos sometimes glitch. So, what will you do about it?”

Me: “Well, nothing. You don’t need faster net for working purposes.”

New Coworker: “But I can’t work without music!”

Me: “Bring your own on a thumb drive, and listen to that? That’s what I do.”

New Coworker: “Why should I do that? It’s YOUR responsibility to enable ME to do my job properly.”

Me: “It’s not connected with your job—”

(She storms off and returns a minute later with our boss.)

Boss: “[New Coworker] is telling me you won’t raise her speed limit and she can’t work because of it!”

Me: “Work? Okay, why don’t we take a look at her browsing history? If it’s for work I’ll raise it right away.”

(She panics, but boss gives me a green light.)

Me: “So let’s see: Facebook, Facebook, YouTube, 9gag, 9gag, 9gag, YouTube, Facebook, YouTube, eBay, YouTube, Facebook… ah, here’s website of the guy we order toner from, so that’s work… Facebook, YouTube, YouTube, eBay… Should I keep going?”

Boss: “You’ve been working hard, [New Coworker]? Maybe I should give you a raise.”

New Coworker: “But I can’t work without music!”

Boss: “Bring an mp3 player from now on.”

New Coworker: “I don’t want to do that!”

Boss: “You’ll have to because [My Name] will be blocking all of the sites you went to that weren’t related to work. And this is your final warning; if I catch you playing with your phone or something you’ll be jobless.”

(Guess who got fired the next week for playing games on her phone?)

A Fish In Troubled Waters
AQUARIUM | RIGHT | JULY 14, 2015
(I am an unpaid volunteer at a local aquarium. On this particular day we have a chocolate company visiting and vendors are set up throughout the building selling their food. I am working at an information desk at this time.)

Guest: “Hey, do happen to have an ATM in here?”

Me: “I apologize sir, but the closest ATM is outside in the parking garage.”

Guest: *suddenly yelling* “You mean to tell me I have to go all the way outside, come in, and pay AGAIN?!”

Me: “I assure you, you won’t have to pay again if you have your ticket. If not, you can ask for me to come verify you’ve been in. However, you will have to go back outside. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

Guest: “YOU KNOW WHAT?! I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR S***, YOU INSOLENT LITTLE F***!”

Me: “Sir, please stop swearing; there are young children around. Again, I apologize for any inconvenience this has brought upon you, but we do not have a general need for an ATM except for this one day.”

(The guest goes into a rant about how I am ignorant and it is my fault the aquarium is losing money. I am losing my patience with this man and start zoning out. When he pauses to breathe, I take my chance to interject.)

Me: “I am terribly sorry, sir, but we do not have a use for ATMs as the fish do not require us to pay them on a regular basis.”

(The manager, who witnessed the whole thing, started laughing as she had security escort the man out.)

Parents, The Gateway Drug
FAMILY & KIDS, GAMES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, USA, VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 22, 2009
(A man and woman with a 10-year-old kid come up to my counter to rent Grand Theft Auto 4.)

Me: “You know, this game is rated and ‘M’ and generally not considered a good choice for young children.”

Parent: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “Just saying… Some parents don’t know. I just wanted to make sure.”

Parent: “Pfft… like I care about that. You’re going to be a boring parent!”

Well, That Went South
RETAIL | RIGHT | JULY 12, 2013
(At my job, I am well known to my customers for my politeness and excellent service. I’m also well known for my red and black hair, since it’s a bit different. My manager comes to talk to me. She is laughing a bit.)

Manager: “So we just got a customer complaint about you.”

Me: “Oh, really? I’m a little surprised.”

Manager: “Yeah, me too. You just missed the phone call, actually.”

Me: “Okay… well… what did they say?”

Manager: “She told me you were really rude to her.”

Me: “I was?”

Manager: “I know. I told her you were the nicest one here. I asked her if she was sure it was you and she said ‘Yeah, the girl with the red and black hair!'”

Me: “Okay…? Did they tell you what I said?”

Manager: “She said, ‘Well, she told me to have a nice day and everything… but she didn’t ask me how my day went! I found that incredibly rude!'”

Me: “Wow… really?”

Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday
BAR, OHIO, STUPID, TIME, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 16, 2010
(Note: this customer has heard that a girl is celebrating her birthday on Friday the 13th.)

Customer: “I hope my birthday never falls on Friday the 13th!”

Me: “When’s your birthday?”

Customer: “May 20th!”

Enough Barking Crazy For One Day
RETAIL | RIGHT | OCTOBER 8, 2014
(I’m a supervisor working a closing shift, helping out for another department, since we’re short on people that night, and doing my work at the service desk. My coworker, who is manning the service desk that night, is on the phone with someone, looking slightly perplexed.)

Coworker: *mouths toward me* “Take this! Please!”

(She passes the phone over to me.)

Me: “Thank you for calling your local [Store Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: *in a very forced high pitched voice* “Do you have any doghouses.”

(It’s pretty difficult to understand, as they’re clearly disguising their voice to sound like a woman.)

Me: “I’m sorry. Did you say doghouses?”

Customer: “Yes, doghouses.”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m sorry. We don’t carry doghouses. We do have dog cages and dog carriers, though.”

Customer: “Do you think a little boy could fit in them?”

Me: *hangs up* “Nope. Not tonight. I do not have the patience. They asked if a little boy could fit in them. F*** that!”

Your Scam Is Malfunctioning
RECORDING STUDIO | WORKING | MARCH 2, 2015
(I just received a call from ‘Allen,’ the Microsoft Certified Technician, who says there’s something wrong with my computer

Me: “I am really busy right now, but could you please call back in five minutes at my other number?”

Caller: “Sure. Just say the number.”

Me: “My number is [number]. Thanks, and I look forward to chatting with you.”

(I hang up and called the same number and the Fairfax Police Department dispatcher answers.)

Me: “Hi, [Dispatcher]. You should expect a phone call from Allen the scammer regarding a malfunctioning computer.”

Dispatcher: *laughs* “That’s a great one! I look forward to chatting with him!”

Well, That Narrows It Down
DELI, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 18, 2009
(The guy asks for a couple of beef brisket sandwiches, but has not specified the type of bread.)

Me: “Sir, what type of bread would you like with your sandwiches?”

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “We have wheat, rye, white, sourdough, nine-grain…”

Customer: “Do you have that one, you know, the square kind?”

Customers To Keep You On Your Toes
DALLAS, DANCE STUDIO, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, JERK, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, TEXAS, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 4, 2010
(My husband and I inherited a dance studio from his mother and we’re both full-time teachers there. Naturally, our five-year-old spends a lot of time with us at the studio. Her father and I were playing “Swan Lake” with her one day in one of the dance studios after all the classes were over when a mother and her daughter came in.)

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Can I help you? Classes are over for the day.”

Customer: “I would like to organize one-on-one private lessons with you for my daughter.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t do private lessons.”

Customer: “So why is he teaching that little girl how to do a lift?”

Me: “That’s our daughter. He’s not teaching her anything; he’s just picking her up. We were playing a game.”

Customer: “I demand you give my child private lessons!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve just told you, we don’t do that here.”

Customer: “She’s been in your class for two years!”

Me: “Yes, I know.”

Customer: “That little girl isn’t even old enough to be in your class.”

Me: “No, she’s not, but she’s my daughter. She’s been exposed to ballet since she was a baby.”

Customer: “So has my child! She knows culture!”

Me: “I understand, ma’am, but I just can’t give her private lessons.”

Customer: “Why are you letting her do it, then?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve told you already, she’s my daughter. She gets private lessons with me whether she likes it or not. We live together.”

Customer: “So, if I send my daughter to live with you, will you teach her?”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t send your daughter to live with us.”

My Daughter: “Mommy! Look at me!”

Customer: “Oh, she really is your daughter? I thought you were lying. See you tomorrow for class!”

A Vanessa By Any Other Name
AT THE CHECKOUT, BIZARRE, GROCERY STORE, USA | RIGHT | MAY 27, 2009
(As I’m ringing an elderly lady’s groceries through, she reads my name tag incorrectly.)

Customer: “Vanessa… Vanessa! That’s such a lovely name.”

Me: “Oh? Yeah, it is.”

Customer: “Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa!”

Me: “It’s great, but I’m not–”

Customer: “Your mother has such good taste! Van-ESSA!”

Me: “Thank you, but–”

Customer: “I bet, when you were young, she’d say things like ‘Vanessa! Get over here! You’re such a naughty girl!'”

Me: “Um, something like that…”

Customer: “Well, you have a great day, Vanessa!”

Ring Me Up And Shut Me Down
AWESOME, BOSSES & OWNERS, GAS STATION, INSTANT KARMA, JERK, USA, WASHINGTON | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 20, 2012
(I’m grabbing a few sundries after filling my car up. The only other people in the store are a young girl at the register and a customer she’s serving. I take no interest in them until I suddenly hear the customer screaming.)

Customer: “Get me your manager, now! You’ve worked your last shift at this place, you worthless b****!”

Cashier: “I certainly will, ma’am, but I was merely—”

Customer: “No! Not another word! I am the customer; the manager will believe whatever I tell him. Now stop stalling and get him for me!”

(The cashier sighs and disappears into the back room, returning with said manager a moment later.)

Manager: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I’ll say there is! This incompetent s*** rang my gum up twice and then laughed in my face when I told her to correct the error. I’m certain she rang all my other stuff up incorrectly, as well. I demand you kick her to the curb!”

Manager: “I see…” *to the cashier* “Is this true?”

Cashier: “Well, just the part about ringing up her gum twice. I apologized and fixed the error immediately.”

Customer: “Bulls***! You’re lying!”

Manager: “Could you bring the transaction up, please?”

Customer: “She’s lying! She f****** laughed in my face!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I was only smiling. I promise.”

Manager: *checking the register screen* “Hmmm, I see she did correct her error, and everything else was rung up properly.”

Customer: “FIRE HER!”

Manager: “Ma’am, may I ask you a question first? Namely, who are you?”

(She states her full name, job title, company, and the location of her office, which is a small brokerage firm in the nearby town.)

Manager: “Hmm, can’t say I’ve ever heard of them, or you. Nevertheless, let me ask you this: why should I fire this girl whom I’ve worked with for three years, has never missed a day without good reason, is always on time for her shift, and has been described by several of our regulars as one of the most courteous ladies they’ve ever met, over a simple mistake which, as I’m seeing here, she quickly corrected?”

Woman: “Wha? But… I… you… because I’m the customer!”

Manager: *nods* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t see how that’s a valid reason to side with someone I don’t know from Adam, and thus lose a model employee whom I know to be perfectly trustworthy and respectful. Is there anything else we can help you with?”

(With that, the customer screams, shoves what’s on the counter at the manager, and storms out.)

Manager: *to the cashier* “If I believed every windbag who came in here ranting incoherently, I’d never be able to hang onto any staff. I’ll be in my office if you need me again.” *disappears into the back*

Me: *stunned* “My God. That was awesome!”

Cashier: *beaming brightly* “Whole reason why I love my job!”

This story is part of our I Love My Job roundup!

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Gives New Meaning To Troubleshooting
TECH SUPPORT | RIGHT | JANUARY 12, 2015
(This is an old story. I am working Vista tech support right around the release, as a level 2 tech. This exchange happens right as the call is escalated.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve got my 22-gauge pointed at my desktop. Do you think that’s going to be a better solution than what you got?”

Me: “Uh…”

(The sad part is that he had to replace all the hardware, so the gun would have been a faster solution.)

Ring Me Up And Shut Me Down
AWESOME, BOSSES & OWNERS, GAS STATION, INSTANT KARMA, JERK, USA, WASHINGTON | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 20, 2012
(I’m grabbing a few sundries after filling my car up. The only other people in the store are a young girl at the register and a customer she’s serving. I take no interest in them until I suddenly hear the customer screaming.)

Customer: “Get me your manager, now! You’ve worked your last shift at this place, you worthless b****!”

Cashier: “I certainly will, ma’am, but I was merely—”

Customer: “No! Not another word! I am the customer; the manager will believe whatever I tell him. Now stop stalling and get him for me!”

(The cashier sighs and disappears into the back room, returning with said manager a moment later.)

Manager: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I’ll say there is! This incompetent s*** rang my gum up twice and then laughed in my face when I told her to correct the error. I’m certain she rang all my other stuff up incorrectly, as well. I demand you kick her to the curb!”

Manager: “I see…” *to the cashier* “Is this true?”

Cashier: “Well, just the part about ringing up her gum twice. I apologized and fixed the error immediately.”

Customer: “Bulls***! You’re lying!”

Manager: “Could you bring the transaction up, please?”

Customer: “She’s lying! She f****** laughed in my face!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I was only smiling. I promise.”

Manager: *checking the register screen* “Hmmm, I see she did correct her error, and everything else was rung up properly.”

Customer: “FIRE HER!”

Manager: “Ma’am, may I ask you a question first? Namely, who are you?”

(She states her full name, job title, company, and the location of her office, which is a small brokerage firm in the nearby town.)

Manager: “Hmm, can’t say I’ve ever heard of them, or you. Nevertheless, let me ask you this: why should I fire this girl whom I’ve worked with for three years, has never missed a day without good reason, is always on time for her shift, and has been described by several of our regulars as one of the most courteous ladies they’ve ever met, over a simple mistake which, as I’m seeing here, she quickly corrected?”

Woman: “Wha? But… I… you… because I’m the customer!”

Manager: *nods* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t see how that’s a valid reason to side with someone I don’t know from Adam, and thus lose a model employee whom I know to be perfectly trustworthy and respectful. Is there anything else we can help you with?”

(With that, the customer screams, shoves what’s on the counter at the manager, and storms out.)

Manager: *to the cashier* “If I believed every windbag who came in here ranting incoherently, I’d never be able to hang onto any staff. I’ll be in my office if you need me again.” *disappears into the back*

Me: *stunned* “My God. That was awesome!”

Cashier: *beaming brightly* “Whole reason why I love my job!”

This story is part of our I Love My Job roundup!

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Read the I Love My Job roundup!

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Gives New Meaning To Troubleshooting
TECH SUPPORT | RIGHT | JANUARY 12, 2015
(This is an old story. I am working Vista tech support right around the release, as a level 2 tech. This exchange happens right as the call is escalated.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve got my 22-gauge pointed at my desktop. Do you think that’s going to be a better solution than what you got?”

Me: “Uh…”

(The sad part is that he had to replace all the hardware, so the gun would have been a faster solution.)

Tastefully Talking Turkey
AT THE CHECKOUT, AWESOME, FUNNY, HOLIDAYS, INSPIRATIONAL, MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 4, 2013
(I am in line waiting to be checked out for some items. The customer ahead of me has paid for his merchandise. As he takes his change, he strikes up a conversation with the young clerk.)

Customer: “I was wondering, are you going to be open on Thanksgiving? I know some stores are starting to do that.”

Clerk: *sighs* “Yes, sir. We’re open until eight pm.”

Customer: “Well, that’s certainly some bulls*** right there!”

Clerk: *laughing* “I’m not allowed to comment, sir.”

Customer: “Well, I am. Please tell your boss you got some resoundingly negative feedback from a customer over that. And, while you’re at it, tell him the same customer gave you resoundingly positive feedback on your service. You’re a very nice young lady. I hope you prosper in life.”

(The customer then walks out, leaving the clerk and me to look at each other in mutual confusion.)

Clerk: “Well, apparently, that just happened.”

Blue Screen Flash Of Death
COMPUTER REPAIR, FUNNY, TECHNOLOGY, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 15, 2008
(The client, a postman, walks in with his older machine. He sets it down on the desk. I turn it on and dust comes out the back. He explains how slow it’s been and how much he hates Windows Millennium Edition.)

Me: “We can fix that up for you, but with the cost of the upgrade to Windows XP, the memory to support it, etc., it might be wise just to purchase a new computer and transfer the data.”

Client: “Nah, that’s all right. I like this one.”

(I go around the desk to fetch his paperwork. He somehow finds a paper clip and decides to remove the dust on the back of his power supply fan with it. Shortly thereafter, a blue flash comes out the back, he jumps a bit, and the computer turns off.)

Client: “Yanno what? I’ll just get that data backup.”

Me: “One moment, please…”

In A Happy Holi-daze, Part 2
GAS STATION | RIGHT | DECEMBER 26, 2014
Me: “Happy Holidays!”

Customer: “It’s Merry Christmas you heathen!”

Me: “Really? I had no idea they cancelled Hanukkah, Ashura, Ramadan, and Yule this year!”

Making A Fractionally Better Coffee
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | WORKING | SEPTEMBER 1, 2014
(I work at a popular fast food chain that is known for their coffee. In order to make a drink that is part one drink, and part another, we have modifiers that come up as 1/2, 1/3, and 1/4. I’m making the coffees at the drive thru when I see and order for a French Vanilla come up, but the person taking the order hit the 1/3 coffee modifier three times.)

Me: “Uh, so, what am I making here?”

Coworker: “A medium French vanilla with three-thirds coffee.”

Me: “So… a coffee?”

Coworker: “No. French vanilla, with three-thirds coffee.”

Me: “But that’s just 100% coffee.”

Coworker: “No, it isn’t. It’s three-thirds coffee.”

Me: “Three-thirds is one whole. Three over three is one. It would be completely coffee.”

Coworker: “I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.”

Me: “I’m an engineering student. Math is kinda my thing.”

Coworker: “I still think you’re wrong.”

(By now it’s taken long enough so that the customer has made it to the window.)

Me: “So sorry. What was in your drink?”

Customer: “It’s a medium French vanilla with one-third coffee.”

Me: “Ah, gotcha! The person taking the order put three-thirds coffee!”

Customer: *laughing* “But that would just be a coffee!”

Me: “See?”